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How
To Piss Off A Wiccan
- Borrow their eyeliner and
then don't give it back.
- Snicker when the fat ones
go skyclad.
- Rearrange their alter.
- Clean their "tools."
- If they mention Magick,
ask them to explain......you never understood that dumb
card game.....
- Step into that drawn circle
and ask them what their doing.
- Sharpen that dull knife
of theirs.
- Claim to be a non-Wiccan
witch.
- Ask if they can wriggle
their nose like in Bewitched.
- Put on your best Judy Garland
voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
- Throw water on them and
expect them to melt.
- Explain how adding "an
it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema.
Then explain what Thelema is.
- Lend them a copy of Liber
OZ.
- Take them to a Catholic
Mass.
- Turn their pentagrams upside
down.
- Recite good poetry during
ritual.
- Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
- Tell the goddess to put
up or shut up during the invocation.
- Ask if they can do those
things like in that movie...what was it?... oh yeah, "The
Craft!"
- When they start talking
about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian
barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously
wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
- See if they know any Hebrew
attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.
- Ask them who Gerald Gardner
was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask
them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic
tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it
harm none" bit.
- Talk to their cat. Tell
them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
- Scream "KALI YUGA!"
when they invoke the Goddess.
- Ask them who you have to
sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.
- Ask why so many Wiccan
rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
- Half way through a ritual,
ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...
- Edit their book of shadows,
inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons
or the Satanic Bible.
- Ask them to recommend a
good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat
that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.
- When one tells you that
s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.
- Explain the difference
between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'.
- Remind them the moon has
four phases, not three;
- Men - wear amber and jet;
- Wear a white rob and hood
to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.
- Worship the devil and call
yourself a '_real_ witch'.
- Tell them that the green
ray only appeals to people that like having their brain
shut down.
- Tell them the story about
how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired'
a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped
it during the five fold kiss.
- Point out that you can't
meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait,
that's for annoying Hermeticists...
- Put fire wood around the
maypole.
- Let them know that the
roots of their 'tradition' are alive and well in the backstreets
of Latin America.
- Ask where your church group
can find a copy of the Hammer of the Witches
- Stand on your head, stick
out your tongue, and spin circles while spitting. If they
ask why you're doing this, tell them that this is the way
the Goddess REALLY wants circles drawn.
- When they perform the fivefold
kiss shout "MORE TONGUE, MORE TONGUE!"
- Wear a trenchcoat with
nothing underneath instead of a robe. Don't forget your
bunny slippers
- Explain that man never
landed on the moon
- Tell them the earth is hollow
- Use their altar bowl, the
one filled with earth or sand, as an ashtray.
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