"Ouch!! You stupid, stupid, very stupid cat!!!!!! How dare you trip me?!" screamed Varice, in her high-pitched voice, shattering glass windows all around room. But Fearless, true to its name, stood fearlessly in front of Varice. Varice, who absolutely couldn't stand being ignored, screamed at Fearless, "Look, you stupid cat. If you don't answer me, I'm gonna get...get...get guards!...to cut you in half!!" At this, Daine burst out crying. Mithros, seeing Daine cry, couldn't control himself any longer and said to Fearless, "Fearless, remember, you are created by a God??? And you can actually talk???" "Thankyou very much for reminding me that, Mithros. Now, let's see. Miss Varice, you said that you are going to cut me in half?" said Fearless "Yes, that's exactly what I said!" "Judges?" "Yes, what would you like?" asked a fairly amused Jonathon. "I would like to sue Miss Varice for attempted murder." "What?!!!" exclaimed Varice + audience + Faithful + judges + contestants. "Yeah, Varice said that she was going to cut me in half! That's attempted murder!!" "hmmm...." nodded Mithros thoughtfully, "You have a point! Ok, point taken, case accepted." ---------------- 1 hour later --------------------- "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Miss Tortall. Right now, we will be bring to you live the case of Fearless against one of our contestants, Miss Varice! In this case, Fearless will be accusing Miss Varice of attempted murder. Let's see, the lawyer of Fearless will be....Miss Daine!!! And the lawyer of Miss Varice will be....Numair?! The couple against each other?" "Yes!" said Numair, "I'm not gonna care about that unfaithful bitch anymore." "You called me and unfaithful bitch??" yelled Daine. "Duh, what else would I call a bitch who flirts with everyone else???" "You little-" "Ok! That's enough!" interrupted Faithful, "We need to be on with our show. Now, where were we? Oh yes, the accusing will be Fearless and Daine, and the defending will be Varice and Numair. The judge will of course be the great god Mithros, and the jury will be...Jonathon, ...George, ...um...Neal and Cleon, ... Miss Alanna and Miss Kel, ...and LORD WYLDON???? What? He's back???" "Yesss!!!!!!! Hi everyone!! I'm back!!!" Lord Wyldon happily skipped in. *a/n: yes, skipped* "Has he finally recovered?" George whispered to Jon. "I think he's gotten worse. He's gone worse to such a bad state that the Duke Gareth has given up on him and kicked him out." whispered back Jon, and George nodded in approval. "QUIET!" ordered Mithros, "May the court case begin. Accusing first." Daine steps out. "Good, arh... afternoon, Judge and jury. This is actually quite obvious that Varice in guilty. She openly threatened dear darling Fearless to cut her in half! I'm sure you will realise that this is definitely unacceptable. Isn't that right Mithros?" Daine batted her eyelashes at Mithros. Mithros blushes and slightly nods. Daine grinned and carried on. "As for witness, well, everyone was there, so I'm sure everyone heard and saw what happened, but I suppose I still should get a witness. So, um, my witness is, let's see, Faithful!!" Faithful walks on proudly and sits in the witness seat. Daine takes out the book of Tortallan laws and Faithful places his hands - agh, actually paws - on it. "Faithful, repeat after me. I, Faithful, -" "I Faithful, -" "Solemnly swear, -" "Solemnly swear, -" "In the name of Mithros, -" "In the name of Mithros, -" "That all I say hereforth, -" "That all I say hereforth, -" "Is true." "Is true." "Now Faithful, just tell us what happened when Varice attempted murder on Fearless." "ok. Now, let's see. Fearless, accidentally tripped Varice. And Varice started screaming at Fearless. But Fearless didn't know that he could talk, and everyone saw that, I mean, he only started talking after Mithros reminded him." everyone nods "So Fearless didn't say anything and Varice started threatening to cut him in half." Daine nodded. "Why thankyou Faithful. Judge and Jury, from the above evidence, I'm sure the jury will know what to do - to pronounce Varice guilty of attempted murder. Thankyou." With that Daine walked back to her seat next to Fearless and sat down. "Would the defending lawyer speak?" Numair steps out. "Good afternoon Judges and jury. I'm sure all of you have a good enough common sense to see that what Daine and Fearless said are all nonsense. Varice just said an empty threat. Not an attempted murder! Thankyou." "Is that all you have to say Numair?" asked Mithros. "Yes." "ok. jury, do we have a verdict yet?" "Yes. The verdict is .... GUILTY!!" "Yeahhh!!!!!!!" celebrated Daine. "NOOOOOO!!!!!!" yelled Numair. "QUIET!" ordered Mithros. BANG! "I hereby sentence Varice to three years jail for attempted murder on Fearless!" "NNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" wailed Varice as she is carried away. --------------- 10 hours later ------------------------ "Welcome back to Miss Tortall! Would you welcome our new contestant, Miss Sandry!!!" A Miss Sandry walks on and smiles at everyone while the audience clap. "Hello, Miss Sandry. How are you today, m'lady?" asked Faithful politely. "I'm fine. Young gentleman." answered Sandry. Faithful secretly thought that Sandry was exactly like a true lady. "So, Miss Sandry, tell us a bit about yourself." "Myself? Don't you guys get my profile before-hand?" "Um, yes, but we still like to hear it from you. Don't worry about it though. Why don't you just tell me a few things you like?" "Ok. My favourite singer is Celine Dion. um, my favourite colour is green, and I love wxorking with threads." Suddenly, in front of Sandry appeared Fearless, flying in mid-air singing: *a/n: for those of you who don't usually pay attention to these, you should cose it actually relates to the, um, competition. (or rather Sandry). By the way, the original song is My Heart Will Go On* Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you, That is how I know you, weave on Far across the greeness and threads held between us you have come to show you, weave on Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the threads does, weave on Once more you open the door and you're here in my threads and my threads will weave on and on Greens can touch us one time and last for a lifetime And never let go till we're one Green was when I wove you One true time I hold to In my life we'll always weave on Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the thread does, weave on Once more, you open the door and you're here in my threads and my thread will weave on and on There is some green that will not go away You're green, there's nothing I fear And I know that my thread will weave on We'll stay forever this way you are green in my threads and my threads will weave on and on Audience claps and cheers. "That was wonderful Fearless!!! Thankyou so much for that!" exclaimed Sandry "My pleasure, m'lady" answered Fearless politely. "Go away Fearless." muttered Faithful "And why is that??" "Because I'm the host, not you." "Arhh, but everyone likes me better." "No, they like me better." "No, me!" "meeeeee!" "ME!" "MEEEEEEE!!!!!!" "QQQUUUUIIIIEEETTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!" roared Mithros. "Enough! I don't want to hear anymore screaming. You're giving me a head-ache." "Gods can get head-aches too?" asked Jon. "Of course they can. They have troubles too." "Non. Mes ami." George shook his head, "Tsk tsk, I thought gods would be better at grammar and everything. Look, you are a god yourself, so you should be using *we*, not they." "Agh fine! I don't care. Just find a way to may Faithful and Fearless all behave like perfect angels for the rest of this beauty pageant and I'll be fine." "Oh that's easy." siad Jon, "Faithful and Fearless, why don't you two have like a contest to see who's most popular with the audience? You have the rest of the beauty pageant to do whatever you like to help yourselves win. Remember, bribes are accepted but blackmails are not. Ok?" Faithful and Fearless nodded. "Good. Now to stop further problems, Faithful is not to leave the stage, and Fearless is not to leave Daine's arms. What ever you have to do, you may ask your manager to help you. ok?" Faithful and Fearless nodded again. "Excellent. I suppose we should be on with Miss Sandry?" "Arrhhh yes," said Faithful, "Now where were we? Oh yes what you like. Oh! We've finished on that. Very well then, how about your perfect dream home?" "my perfect dream home? Let's see. Three storeys double brick house with indoor heated swimming pool and spa. Complete with sauna and massage services." "That sounds lovely, Miss Sandry, and... Oh! we've ran out of time. Ok, Miss Sandry, would you like to take a break over there with all the other contestants, while we welcome our next contestant, Miss....Wynona???!!!" audience claps uncertainly as Miss Wynona(?) walks out. Unfortunately, this contestant was a horrifying sight. She had dark hair, rough, dark skin, dark eyes, and a bright red lips - which is obvious the result of a too red lipstick. Her cheek bones were also a hot pink colour from too much blush. She was wearing a red and green dress that went down to her knees. Her figure, if exposed even slightly more, would send the whole audience into vomiting conditions, for it is exactly like a ball - a ball that's not even blown up properly for her skin was droopy. What was even worse was the fact that she had thick, ugly legs too. Overall, Miss Wynona was horrible. "Err, greetings, Miss Wynona," said Faithful, trying to be as far from her as possible. "Hi gorgeous!" said Miss Wynona and at the same time batting her eye-lashes at Faithful. Faithful immediately took a run off stage and the audience could clearly hear vomitting sounds coming from the direction Faithful went off to. Conversations all around the room. Everyone was discussing where did this Miss Wynona came from, and how she got into the beauty pageant anyway. The following conversation was one conducted between Mithros, Jon and George. "Who on earth is that?" asked a disgusted Jon. "I don't think she's from earth anyway. Looks like someone who came from Mars." said George "From the Hell of Mars." added Mithros. "Yeah. I mean, who on earth would look like that? Ugly dispicable slut." "Uh-uh," George shook his head, "Ugly and dispicable -yes. A slut - no. That term is fulltime copyright of Thayet and parttime copyright of Alanna, Kel and Daine." "Thanks alot for saying that about the girls, especially Thayet." muttered Jon. "Did you see her legs? They were even thicker than mine!" said Mithros, who has been trying to study Miss Wynona without getting too disgusted and start vomitting. Jon and George took a closer look at her legs. "Ewwww, you're right. They are DISGUSTING. They don't even look like women's legs." "Hey!" exclaimed George, "They aren't women's legs. Miss Wynona isn't a Miss either!" Jon and Mithros stared blankly at George for ten seconds before the realization dawned on them. "ohhh." George grinned. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, K1 and K2?" *a/n: translation: King one and King two* "We think we are, K3." ---------------------------------------------------------------- The audience was still deep in conversation when a order was given out from the Judges Stand for silence. George stood up. "Ladies and Gentlemen, due to the sudden discomfort of our host Faithful, Miss Tortall competition is to be delayed for a short period of time. We have been requested to help pass time while we're waiting. Therefore, we have decided to ask Miss Wynona to do a belly dance for us." Audiences groans at the thought of Miss Wynona trying to dance. Jon stood up too, and the audiences are silenced again. "Would you please all put your hands together for, Miss Wynona!" and the audience cheered and clapped as Wynona had no choice but to do the belly dance, so he - uh, she - started. The whole audience kept on clapping and cheering throughout the whole dance - with their eyes closed of course. The only three people who had their eyes open were Jon, George and Mithros. Even the other contestants were trying to stand beautifully with their eyes closed. "Is it going fine?" Jon whispered to George. "Yep," George replied, "This is going great. Hey Mithros, you're good. Can I keep this after this Miss Tortall thing?" "Of course it's good." said Mithros, "I'm a god. And yes, you can keep it after this." "But I want to keep the tape." said Jon. "No! I want it" "No! For me!" Jon shook his head. "uh-uh. for me!!!" Their voices were getting louder and louder, and Wynona was shotting them curious glances as she danced. "Shhhh.." Mithros said, "The solution is simple. I'll just make three copies of it when it's done and we can each keep one!" "Excellent idea! Oh yeah, when do we show this to everyone?" "When we reveal his identity of course." "oh." The music slowly faded away and Miss Wynona stopped dancing. "Did you enjoy that boys ?" she flirted. The three gulped in fear and smiled uneasily. Suddenly an idea came to Mithros' head.. "Yes, Miss Wynona, we enjoyed that greatly! So um, can you dance some more? I know! Why don't you dance some ballet for us?" So the music began, Miss Wynona started dancing ballet, and everyone closed their eyes while they kept on clapping. "ohh, can't I please close my eyes?" asked George. "No! You've gotta make sure that it follows her where ever she goes - uh, dances - or else there is no point in doing this!" "But I can't stand it, I'm going to started vomitting soon." "She's not that bad is she?" "Yes she is. She can't even spread her legs apart more than 90 degrees! Just open your eyes and take a look!" "No way, I don't want to spend the rest of this competition under Duke Gareth's care!" said Jon, who's got his eyes tightly closed. Mithros, who is sitting next to him with eyes closed as well, nodded in agreement. Finally after what seemed like ten years to George, the music stopped and everyone opened their eyes. They all decided, they have had enough of this entertainment-while-waiting-for-the-host-to-come-back. "WE WANT FAITHFUL BACK!!" chanted the audience, "WE WANT FAITHFUL BACK!!" "Ok ok, I'm back!!!" said Faithful as he reluctantly walked in. "Hey Faithful! Want something to cheer you up?" asked Jon. "what??" "Well, wouldn't everyone like to Lord Wyldon doing a belly dance and ballet???" Lord Wyldon doing a belly dance and ballet??? How cools it that??!?? Hey! Wait a minute! Wasn't that what Miss Wynona just did? ("Of course that's what she just did you dorks!" *author whacks everyone on the head and all gets enlightened*) "MISS WYNONA IS WYLDON???" "Uh-huh." the three kings nodded. "NO!! YOU'RE WRONG!" screamed Miss Wynona - or rather Wyldon. "IT'S LORD WYLDON!" "Not anymore! You're fired!" screamed back Jon. "And you are to receive a punishment as well!" yelled George. "And your punishment is to watch yourself do the belly dance and ballet." concluded Mithros. "Ahh, but that is not possible, Sir!" "Oh yes it is," Jon held up a small black tape, "We filmed you throughout the whole way!!!" And so it came the little tale that mothers would now tell their children to make them behave: *screen becomes blurry and changes to a different setting. (A tired looking mother is trying get ten very naughty children to be quiet.) "Now be quiet and behave. If you don't, Miss Wynona will dance a belly dance and ballet in front of you!" "Who's Miss Wynona, Mummy?" the children asked naughtily, and mother showed them a picture from that video clip, and the children were all silenced. This is the secret behind the world reknown fact, that Tortallan children, were the best behaved in the world by far. (screen becomes blurry again and comes back to the Miss Tortall competition) Everyone has just rewatched the belly dance and ballet. The audience are rolling on the ground, choking on their laughter, and Judges are argueing over who should keep the original tape (even though Mithros did make three copies of it, everyone wanted the original tape). Wyldon has left Tortall. He decided that he had lost his reputation, respect and honour due to this 'stupid' competition, so he go and learn to be a Shang Warrior, then come back and regain his honour, respect and reputation...or whatever he thought he had. Suddenly someone called out: "I'm thirsty. I need a drink!!" Everyone else nodded in agreement. Immediately, there was about twenty girls, dressed in white dresses with orange hair walked out pushing trolleys of drink. Fearless called out from Daine's arms. "Here's some drink for you all to have. If you need anything else, just ask. I hope you all support me in the Fearless vs. Faithful competition, and vote me as the most popular one. Thankyou." Everyone raised their drink and chorused: "Long live Faithful!" and started discussing about how they were going to vote. Now Faithful was worried. He desperately needed something to get him back in the audiences' hearts. An idea came to his head... Faithful was once again standing proudly on the stage - this time, with a enormous cake in front of him. "Ladies and Gentlemen! Many of you may not know, but today is the birthday of... Great God Mithros!!!!! Let us all sing Happy Birthday to Mithros!!!" So everyone began singing: Happy Birthday to you, You're a Million and two Happy Birthday to Mithros Happy Birthday to you!!!! Faithful went on. "This wonderful cake today, is my present to Mithros, Happy Birthday! As well as a thankyou present to all of you here today!!! Enjoy!" Audience chorused: "Long live Faithful!" as they began eating the cake. while Fearless muttered under his breath: "stupid traitors!!!! Befriending thy enemy!" There was suddenly blaze of light shining room. Everyone looked up to see Mother Goddess standing in front of Mithros, fuming with rage. "YOU STUPID GOD!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY BRAIN AT ALL?!!! TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!" "Of course I know today is my birthday, Sister! See, Faithful's even given me a cake!" Mother Goddess rolled her eyes. "LOOK, YOU STUPID GOD WITH NO MEMORY WHAT SO EVER, YOU HAVE INVITED ALL THE GODS AND SEMIGODS TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY TODAY IN THE DIVINE REALMS!!!!! REMEMBER?!!! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT THEM TO DO??? GO ON WITH A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN THE BIRTHDAY GOD ISN'T EVEN THERE???" "Well...." "YOU ARE COMING WITH ME RIGHT NOW!!!!" And then the blazes of light were gone - along with the Mother Goddess and Mithros. The audience stared at each other in shock "Oh what are we gonna do!" wailed George. "Get on with Miss Tortall of course!" said Jon. "But there are only the two of us left! You can't judge a beauty pageant with only two judges!! It's just not right!" "Then what are we gonna do?" asked a worried Jon. "I wish there was someone here to be a judge..." There was a sudden 'POP!' and a boy with brown hair appeared in front of them. Jon and George peered closely at him. "Who are you?" The boy stared back at them questionly. "Who are you? And where am I? - I'm Briar." George looked thoughtful. "Well, I'm George, King of Thieves. This is Jon, King of Tortall. You are in Tortall and at the Miss Tortall beauty pageant." He grinned. "I know! You can be our third judge!" "Third Judge? For what?" "For the competition of course! Our original third judge had just gone to his birthday party, so we're one judge short. You can replace him." So Briar became one of the judges to judge the Miss Tortall Beauty Pageant. Now on with the show. "Would you please, all welcome, Miss Thayet!!" said Faithful. Audience cheered and clapped while a stunning Thayet walks on stage. "Wow she's hot!" commented Briar, "Hey sweetheart! Can I have your, um, address?" George whacked Briar on the head. "You stupid! She's Jon's wife! Queen Thayet of Tortall!" "Wow!" said Briar, who did not seem to mind the fact that Thayet was married, "How cool is this? A good-looking king and REAL hot sexy queen?" Thayet blushed while Jon looked like he's number one wish was to make Briar disappear from this world immediately. "Look Judge Number Three," Jon said through clenched teeth, "This is Tortall, not where ever you came from, you at least can show some respect for the king and queen here." "Ok." "Welcome to the Miss Tortall Competition Miss Thayet. Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself?" said Faithful professionally. "Well, I'm married to Jon, King of Tortall. I have my own riders too. Oh yeah, I set the lastest fashion for Tortall." "What do you like, Miss Thayet?" "ME!" called Briar from the Judges Stand. Thayet blushed. "Well, yes, I do like you - oh but I love Jon!" she added, seeing the look on Jon's face. At this, Jon relaxed and looked happy, Briar looked disappointed. "I also like clothes, making myself beautiful and flirting - with my husband!" she added again hurriedly. Faithful nodded with a knowing look. Thayet looked scared and volunteered to let the next contestant come up. Faithful sighed. "ok then. Well, let's welcome our next contestant - Miss Tris and Daja?" Two girls walked out. One was short and had frizzy red hair, and the other was dark skinned and had dark hair. "Tris! Daja!! Over 'ere!" yelled Briar. "OH!!! Briar!!!" squealed Tris with joy, "Briar! You're here!! You're here to watch me win!!! oh!!!" Daja smiled at Briar and batted her eyelashes at him. Briar started inspecting them with a questioning look. "What's wrong Briar?" asked Tris. "Why are you two wearing these things? You look nice, yeah, but weird too. Hmm..." "It's because this is the Miss Tortall competion!" explained Tris. "oh." "Uh, excuse me ladies, but why are you two walking on stage at the same time together?" asked Faithful. "Well, we thought that two is better than one! So we teamed up against Sandry that little brat!" "Excuse me Miss Tris and Miss Daja, I would expect you not to do such a unlady like thing to me. And swearing! oh my! How disgraceful!" scolded Sandry nobly. "oh Shut Up Sandry! Don't try to pretend in front of US!!" yelled Tris. "Ladies!! Please don't yell!" cried Faithful. "She started it!" yelled the three in unison, pointing at each other. Faithful looked at them sternly. "Look, I don't want people causing trouble in my competition. Understand?" "Oh Briar! Help us against this evil monster!" cried Daja, pointing at Faithful. "WHAT??!! ME a MONSTER?!!! What on earth are you thinking! I'm just a host!" "OH BRIAR!!!! SAVE ME!!!!!" cried Sandry. No answer. "Briar, why aren't you answering our call?" asked Tris. "Hmm." came the reply. "BRRIAARRRRR!!!!!!" "What?!" "Why aren't you helping us?" "you want to know the truth?" "Yes." chorused Tris, Daja and Sandry. "Well I'm thinking what would it be like to kiss Thayet." "WHAT???!?!?!!!" exclaimed audience + Tris, Daja, Sandry + Faithful + contestants + Jon "It's true!" said Briar. Thayet blushed. While Jon, Tris, Daja and Sandry stared at her and Briar. "OH!!!! I can't take it any longer!!! We did all these all these things for you!!! But you betrayed us, for that... that....that woman!!!!" Tris is getting very very very angry, letting her magic loose. And that was all it was needed for Daja. She let her magic loose as well. Immediately there was a thunderstorm and a fire blazing. The audience recalled their horrible experience with thunder and lightning in Numair's *little* incident and ran for their lives. Faithful recalled the damage done to his tail so he fled too. This left the contestants standing shocked on the stage by themselves. "Great. What are we going to do now?" asked Alanna. "I dunno. It's all your fault Tris, letting your magic loose." said Daine. "But Daja let her magic loose too!" pointed out Kel. "It's all Thayet's fault! If you didn't flirt with Briar, then it wouldn't have made them two angry and they wouldn't have set their magic loose!" said Sandry. "I did not flirt!!!" protested Thayet. "Yeah, but you made Briar like you!" said Kel. Thayet sighs dramatically. "Being beautiful is my burden!" Everyone starts vomitting. Sandry prays for author to help save them. *author looks at Briar and reminds him that it's broadcasting live* Briar looks shocked then smiles nervously at the camera. "We'll be right back with Miss Tortall - after the commercial."

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