Jokes
If you have any jokes and would like to share them with me, e-mail me with the subject title: Jokes. I will be happy to put them on the site and give you credit for them. Please keep the jokes rated PG-13 and about 1 paragraph or less in length.
A farmer was in a pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice" he said. Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids." The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg."Which accident did the pig lose it's leg in?" he asks. "Neither. A animal like that you don't eat all at once."
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Your crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
This guy runs home bursts in yelling,"Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" She says,"Oh wonderful! Should i pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies,"I don't care! Just get the hell out!
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the farebox and took a aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me," she said. The man sympathized and said,"Why,he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "Your right." she said."I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "Good idea." the man said."Here, let me hold your monkey."
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night long. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave but falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but he falls on his face again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, stands up then falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries once more to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He awakens the next morning to see his wife standing over him shouting loudly,"So, you've been out drinking again!?" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on a innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
A man order a beer at a bar. Before he even takes a sip, he realizes he needs to goto the bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to drink his beer, so he puts a note on it that reads," I spat in this beer." When he comes out of the bathroom, he sees something scrawled on the bottom of the note. Under his writing, someone wrote,"So did I."
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after a attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises on his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in a attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1)Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy
2)Some call the janitor, we are going to need a mop!
3)Wait a minute...If that is his spleen, then what is that?
4)Hand me that uhh...that..uh...Thingie
5)Ya know, there's a big monkey in his kidneys. Hell, the guy has 2 of em
6)Oh no! i just lost my rolex
7)The knee bone is connected to the something bone....damn! how did that song go again?
13 signs you are too drunk:
1)You lose arguments with inanimate objects
2)You have to hold on to your lawn to keep it from falling off the earth.
3)The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat
4)You believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
5)The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
6)Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger! Screw dinner
7)Every night you begin to find your roomates cat to be more and more attractive
8)Don't recognize wife unless she is seen through the bottom of a glass
9)That damned pink elephant followed me home again
10)You fall off the floor
11)Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops
12)Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
13)At AA meetings you begin with saying: "Hi my name is...eeh....umm...."