What Tomorrow Might Bring

For the first time... in a long time... I wonder what tomorrow might bring.

I always knew I'd go back someday. But someday had always been
some far off date in the future... something barely discernible in the
distance. Not tomorrow... not tomorrow morning.

At least I'm going back for a happy occasion. I was sure it'd be for
a funeral and instead it's a wedding. Life's so strange... and life on
the Hellmouth is the definition of strange.

Life on the Hellmouth.... such a odd turn of phrase and not one
I've used in a long time... well.. two years is a long time to me anyway.

Twenty-three months to be exact since I was last in Sunnydale.
A lifetime ago....

You'd think that almost dying would be a good thing. You'd think so.
I mean, I thought I had a second chance at life... and I guess I did,
just not the life I wanted.

I can still see his face when he told me things weren't going to
work out with us.

Not going to work out? What the hell... still makes me angry when
I think about it.

I was so hurt.. how could he hurt me when I needed him so much?
I couldn't understand how he could have just fallen out of love
with me. We were good... we were great together. Life was perfect
and then it all just fell apart.

And the great irony here is that if I didn't love him so much, I might
be with him. That's just the most colossally screwed up logic ever.

How am I going to face him? Two years...

I'm happy for Xander at least. He and Anya make a great couple. They
really do. It's bizarre but true... even though a part of me can't believe
he's really getting married.

It'll be good to see everybody... well.. almost everybody. I wish there
were some way Xander could have two weddings.. and Giles could
go to one and I could go to the other... but I guess that's asking to
much, isn't it?

Oh man.... I don't want to do this. How am I supposed to act?
All casual and cover up the my-life-is-miserable-without-you truth
of it all. I don't think I can do this.

But I want to see him so much.. I miss him.. every day I miss him.
This is either the most heroic or stupidest thing anyone ever did in the
history of the world.

I can still hear him lying to me. Telling me he thought it was best if
we both went our separate ways.... how can you do that when you
have the same soul?

And yet.. I did. I let him lie to me... I let him think I believed it... I let
him think he'd crushed me... which he had, so no great acting there...
I let him think I never wanted to see him again.... now *that* deserved
an Oscar... I let him push me away.

I didn't know why at first.. I thought I must have been in a coma. I mean
this wasn't the life I left. My life was good... I was loved and well, that's
all that really mattered.

And when I woke up after surgery... he was there, but he was different.

He always stood near the door and wouldn't touch me.

I found out later that he'd been at my bedside the whole time I'd been
under and wouldn't let anyone else touch me... I didn't understand
what had changed.

We're a happy couple... I nearly die... he breaks up with me. That is
not how the movie of the week is supposed to go.

The surgeons say I was lucky... that all I lost was my spleen.. you
don't need your spleen... all my wounds would heal... the scar on
my stomach would fade in time...

But I lost so much more and there are other scars... ones that
don't ever heal.

I was so hurt and angry when he told me it was over, that I should
leave... I stormed out. And then later... I understood and went back
to talk some sense into him.

I don't think he could bear my living in a place where at anytime
that awful night could be repeated... that I could die. I don't think
he could live dreading what tomorrow might bring. More than anything,
more than even being with me.. he needed to me to stay alive.... so
he pushed me away.

He loved me that much. And I loved him enough to let him.

The way he looked at me that last day... just my being there was
causing him so much pain... I couldn't do that to him... so I let him
think I believed his lies... and left Sunnydale.

He told me to leave to protect me and I left to protect him. How is it
that we both love each other so much and the best we can do for
each other is to never see each other again? So ironic.

Irony sucks.

I know he's been doing all right. Buffy and Xander keep me up to
date. I tried to stop wondering if they tell him about my life... If he
falls asleep thinking about me, like I do about him.

I guess it's time to get back to packing.. I've got a plane to catch
in the morning.

But for the first time.. in a long time...I wonder what tomorrow might
bring.

The End