Y2K12 - Chapter 20

Pressing his head against the wall of the shower and closing his eyes
Todd let the water, almost too hot to tolerate, pour over his head and shoulders, enduring the discomfort as it ran over his buttocks. He had tried cold water on the scorched skin, but all it did was make him shiver and ache more. He had taken a look at his butt in the mirror. It was really sore and too tender to rub or do more than just hold and cradle, but the expected damage was far less than it felt like…only very, very red skin…intact and a few dark lines across both cheeks, along with bright red ovals on each lower cheek. With a groan, Todd acknowledged that he would be feeling this for a while.

As much as his lower half was hurting - and that was considerably - he felt no real anger or resentment towards Jared…just an unfamiliar aching need…deep inside. No matter how hard he tried, Todd could not work up enough excuses for his actions. He felt awful about it. He shed more tears in the shower - especially over the knife. A loud sob slipped out, and he held his breath waiting to see if Jared had heard him.

Jared had ordered him to the shower before bed, with a stern warning to be quick. Too sore and plain worn out, not to mention not quite brave enough to bristle at being pushed around, Todd did as Jared said. The shower felt good…bone deep good. Unable to hold his breath any longer, Todd took a couple deep breaths of relief and tried to relax, his mind working over the day. Had it really only been one day? Was it possible that so much could happen in less than 24 hours? This morning felt like a lifetime ago.

Todd snapped out of his reverie when the water suddenly shut off. Opening his eyes he found Jared’s large forearm holding out a towel.

“Jared!…um…it hasn’t been…”

Jared smiled at the apprehensive younger man. He had heard Todd crying. Never sure how to deal with or approach Todd when he was emotionally upset, Jared chose to play ignorant…and to keep a close eye and ear open.

“Relax. I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t fallen asleep in there.”

Todd took the towel and quickly dried off. Jared saw him wince as he did so.

“ C’mere, let me have a look.”

Not really waiting for Todd to move, Jared turned him around to look at his bottom. Jared felt a pang of regret. Todd would carry the marks from the belt for a few days for sure, and hopefully the reminder of what caused them as well. The lines were now a dark red against the duller red shade of his butt, obviously very sore. Possible bruising from the brush, just some darker oval areas of red here and there on the cheeks. He’d be feeling those for a while longer, as well.

“Get an eyeful yet?” Todd shot at Jared with quiet scorn, as he jerked the towel around his slender hips, not meeting Jared’s eyes. His cheeks stained with a flush. Jared was not sure if it was from anger, embarrassment, or something else.

“Do you think I enjoyed doing that?” Jared asked in a level tone.

“Dunno. Did you?” Todd said with a shrug, his tone not equal to the indifferent attitude.

Taking the elfin chin firmly between thumb and finger, Jared looked into liquid, still puffy eyes.

“No. I did not enjoy spanking you. Todd, do you feel abused? I don’t mean just sore, I mean abused.” Jared’s voice was absolutely serious.

Todd’s eyes slid to the marbled floor. His face burned a darker red. It was on the tip of his tongue to say he did, but he couldn’t. He knew what that felt like all too well, and this was not it. His chin was lifted higher in demand of an answer. Todd jerked his face away from Jared’s hold.

“No.”

The truth of it made him feel too open, and that feeling set off temper.

“Just…it’s bullshit!!…I fucking hate it!!!”

The blush drained from Todd’s face, he froze as soon as the words slipped past his lips. He could feel the heat from Jared’s glare with out even seeing it. His eyes flicked up briefly as Jared reached for the toothbrush. Todd felt his stomach tie up in knots. His eyes welled up as he remembered the taste of that soap. Turning back to Todd, toothbrush and liquid soap in hand, Jared waved the brush menacingly.

“You gonna clean it up…or do I?”

Head bowed and eyes shimmering with fresh tears, Todd felt and looked very small and fearful. Todd’s posture gave away his instant regret. Jared cut him some slack…Todd was clearly sorry and there was no sign of defiance, just repentant tension. Todd just gave a slight nod of his head. Jared set the things back on the counter. The boy was trying…that saved him from a mouth soaping.

“Good. Todd, listen to me. I might have busted your butt good and hard, but that was not as hard as I should have. Kid, you’re supposed to hate it. It’s punishment - that’s the point of it. To be painful and unpleasant…so you will learn from your mistakes and not repeat them…at least not very often.”

Jared gave Todd a hug. It was not returned, but there was no resistance to it or to the quick kiss Jared placed on the top of his head.

“Okay, Todd, get dried off and lets get something to eat. It’s late.”

“Ain’t hungry.”

“Ansley…what did--”

“Dude, Jared, I’m not hungry….please…I just wanna go to bed.”

Frowning at the young man, Jared pointed out that Todd had not eaten since lunch and he was already too thin. Todd nervously argued that one meal missed or taken would not change the size of his waist by morning. Jared chuckled at Todd’s brilliant logic irresistibly wrapped in his accent. That twang became more thick and pronounced when under duress. Jared relented, but only with a promise to eat any breakfast that Jared saw fit to serve with no complaints. Todd’s brain would have agreed to a meal of liver at this point, but his mouth took over…again.

“ Dude, I ain’t gonna eat nothing weird or some nasty shi…stuff.”

Jared tossed him a look of warning at the sharp tone, and told Todd to brush his teeth for bed. As Todd did as he was told, Jared said that he would eat what was in front of him or eat it standing up, then left the room, only to poke his head back in to say that he would not ask Todd to eat nasty ‘stuff’.”

Walking stiffly into his room, still wrapped in his towel, Todd found Jared straightening his bedding. He had left it this morning unmade and did not bother this after noon after his nap.

“Is being tucked in a rule too?” Todd groused, unable to keep the sharpness from the surly remark. Jared was unaffected by Todd’s mood. He knew the kid well enough to know the attitude was a cover.

“Would that be so bad?” Jared asked mildly.

Todd just rolled his eyes and shrugged.

“Whatever.”

Pulling out of a drawer a pair of flannel bottoms, Todd gingerly put them on, grateful for the soft, oversized fit.

“You sleeping in those?”

“Yeah.” Todd answered defensively.

Jared would have thought that the boy would rather not have anything next to his abraded bottom. Leaving his sleeping attire alone, Jared just handed Todd his backpack without another word about the pants.

“This is your home… as in you live here, and in you’re not a guest, so it’s time to unpack your bag, Todd.”

Brow puckered, Todd set the pack down on the bed. Blowing a heavy breath out his mouth, he pulled the worn straps free from the buckles while Jared busied himself with picking up the room a bit. Todd was, for his age, a very neat young man. Jared guessed not having much in life, one would tend to treasure what they had to make it last. Lack of movement from the bed pulled Jared from his musing. Todd had the pack open but was just holding it…standing there, frozen, like he didn’t know what to do.

“Todd?” Jared prodded, concerned patience in the deep voice.

“It’s never been unpacked before.” Todd spoke barely above a whisper.

“What…never, Todd?”

The dark head shook negatively, eyes never leaving the pack.

“No…never.”

Jared sat down on the bed waiting for Todd to explain. Todd didn’t expand on it further. He had never unpacked it…it had always been full and ready to be grabbed for a quick departure, if needed.

“Why, Todd?…Because that would mean - ?”

Todd pulled a face, rolled his eyes, and began to unpack.

“Get off the psycho bullshit. Dude, I just never unpacked, that’s all.”

Jared’s interrupted question was blown off, but there was something in Todd’s movements that gave away that lie. Jared didn’t want to push Todd anymore tonight. He just watched Todd put away his possessions. Mostly cycle gear, a torn army jacket, and various survival items. Todd froze when his hand pulled a small folding picture frame. Jared remembered it to hold sacred memories for Todd.

Taking the empty pack from Todd’s lax fingers, Jared put it away in the closet for him. Todd was just holding the frame and gazing at the pictures…Jared guessed he rarely did so by his reaction. Catching Jared watching him, Todd affected a causal posture, and put the frame in his nightstand drawer with poorly guised indifference. There was a look on Todd’s face…Jared couldn’t put a finger on it but it was not a pleasant one.

“Todd.”

Cold, dark eyes lifted momentarily to Jared’s.

“Todd, I can’t give them back to you. No one can, or turn back the clock and give you back your childhood - rather the childhood you should have had…deserved. I can’t erase the pain you’ve lived through, or undo the horrible things that no child should even know about, let alone experience. I wish I could.”

Todd’s young shoulders lifted in a uncaring shrug, but the tear that slipped from its spiky cage and ran down a clenched jaw, gave away that Todd did care…very much.

*I’m so sorry, baby. I’d make it all go away if I could. *Jared kept those thoughts to himself. Todd would not appreciate the sentiment just now - maybe never. But there was always hope.

“What I can…what I will do, is give you safety and love.”

Todd moved to turn away, but Jared held on to his shoulders firmly. Eyes that could shame a lost puppy avoided contact.

“Maybe not the family you were born to, but that of a family who loves you and wants you.” The young man in Jared’s hands struggled weakly to break away. Jared just kept a firm hold.

“ No Todd, hear me out. You have a home now, a home that is safe and secure. Something different for you too, boundaries that keep you safe, even from yourself, and consequences if you break the boundaries. I will give you freedom, Todd, free from the streets, from fighting for your next meal or for a place to sleep. Someone to love you - not in spite of who you are, but because of who you are. Your survival is now my responsibility – mine, and that of your new families. Your part…” Jared gave Todd a gentle shake for emphasis, “ . . . is to just slow down and learn what life is like, really like, with out having to worry and hide all the time, to just be yourself. You have rights, Todd. You have the right to be safe and happy. I’m going to make sure you exercise that right if I have to drag you kicking and screaming, understand me?”

Todd just nodded…seemingly in agreement. Jared was not fooled into thinking that one spanking and a few tears would cure Todd of his problems, but he felt Todd had made a big step tonight. He had been given the chance to leave, and chose to stay of his own will, even knowing what punishments would be his in the future. Jared said many silent prayers of thanks for that small miracle. Now if he could only get Todd to drop the icy walls that surrounded his heart, and let what he was still bottling up out. Tonight was just a scratch on the surface. Thinking perhaps a gesture of faith and trust on his own part would plant that seed of trust, Jared took Todd’s hand and placed in it the butterfly knife closing the limp fingers around it. Todd looked up at him with incredulous confusion. Jared’s face held a fierce scowl in sharp contrast to the gesture.

“Put that away someplace safe. Listen carefully: you do not carry that unless you have my express permission. I had better not ever find it on you again, or you will learn what an ass whuppin’ with a belt is really like. Is that crystal clear?”

Stunned speechless, Todd nodded affirmative. The stern warning held a threat Todd could respond too. His still-throbbing cheeks clenched against the very idea. Todd put the knife away in the drawer with the frame and what few personal treasures he had.

Standing by his bed, Todd looked at Jared expectantly. One hand had crept behind to rub a sore backside. His mind was still reeling over what Jared had just done. Giving back the knife was the last thing he thought even the Tank was capable of. Todd was given a nod of approval.

Jared ignored the wide-eyed study of himself. Tempted as he was to tuck Todd in, he knew it would not be welcome.

“Need anything before bed?”

“Yeah…privacy.”

“Ah…okay…night, Todd.”

Watching the broad retreating back, Todd felt an odd sense of panic, a need for something he could not recognize. Only making it as far as the door, Jared was brought up short by a hoarse voice.

“Jared?”

“Yeah, kid?”

Todd tried to meet Jared’s eyes, but could not - they saw too much, too clear.

“I’m…(cough) sorry ... about the knife, I mean.”

Jared quirked an eyebrow at Todd.

“Just the knife, not any of the other stuff, or running, huh?”

That beautiful young face flushed scarlet with his frustration.

“I wasn’t running…tonight, I mean…it wasn’t like…planned…it just happened.”

Jared leaned against the door jam and crossed his arms. Todd looked so confused, exposed and uncomfortable; it was all he could do not to go grab him. Todd was trying to get something out, something important, so Jared kept his distance to give Todd that space.

“When I got outside…I was sorta …I don’t know…surprised, I guess. You know…getting past the gate and stuff.”

The expression on The Tank’s face darkened dangerously. Todd, anxious to avoid any more lectures - or worse – fidgeted, and hurried to make his point.

“I sorta changed my mind. I was gonna come back in.”

Jared’s face held his skepticism.

“Really? By running away from the front door? Hmmm, kinda taking the long way home, huh?”

Todd shifted his weight and rubbed the back of his neck, both signs of his growing anxiety.

“No…just that…I don’t know…I just ran.”

“You panicked.”

It was a statement not a question. Todd nodded, red faced.

“Someone yelled at me, and I ran…I didn’t think…”

“You got that right.”

Todd’s eyes flicked up to Jared’s. Anger flashed for only a second, before he looked away and continued.

“Then everything went all weird…I dunno what happened.”

Shoving off the door jam, Jared walked over to Todd and indicated him to get into bed. Todd sighed heavily in frustration, but laid down, instantly rolling on his belly. Jared pulled the desk chair over to the bed and sat.

“What happened, Todd, was that you’re a freak’n little jackrabbit when you run. Deek’s pretty fast on foot, so you must have had a good head start, because you damn near made it to the perimeter fence and probably would have gone over if Deek hadn’t tazed you.”

Little bits of memory came back: Deek holding a pistol-like object. Todd filed that away.

“The fuc…asshole shot me!”

Todd rose up on his arms…but Jared placed a hand between his shoulders and pushed with gentle force until Todd gave up and lay back down.

“He didn’t know it was you, Todd. He might have run faster if he had known…maybe.”

“Whatever.”

“Would you have stopped if he told you too?”

Todd’s silence was answer enough. He remembered being hollered at to stop…he did not stop.

“Then what choice did he have?”

Jared sounded so reasonable, but Todd had a few answers he kept to himself. Attempting to change the subject he, himself, brought up, Todd answered with his own question.

“Who’s faster, you or Deek?”

Very much aware of Todd’s game, Jared played along.

“Deek is very quick…especially at the sprint. None faster around here, Todd…save one.”

“Yeah, who’s that?”

“Me. You’re fast, no doubt about it, but, little man, I will always be able to run you down. I will always find you. Not that we will need to worry about that…since I have your word on no more running. Right, Ansley?”

Gooseflesh pimpled all over Todd’s body. There was ironclad confidence to that smooth voice.

“Todd, you wouldn’t have been gone for long. I know that.”

Todd sat up on his elbow.

“Yeah? How do you know that?”

Jared pushed him back down on his stomach, pulling the covers over his chilled shoulders.

“Because you left your bike. You would never leave it behind. You would have been back.”

The absolute confidence Jared had, and the fact that he knew him so well rankled Todd.

“Shows what you know. I’d just boost me another bike.”

Jared’s face iced over; Todd’s heart stopped beating.

“Todd, I’m going to bed now, ‘cause, kiddo, any more little smart assed remarks like that will get you another whuppin’. It’s late and you’re crabby…that must be what’s making you say things you don’t mean, huh?”

Giving Todd a powerful smack on his bottom as a warning, Jared ruffled the mop of dark hair and stood up. Todd was never more grateful for his down comforter…the swat hurt, but it was not nearly as painful as it would have been without the covers.

“Ahhh! Yeah, I’m just tired.”

Satisfied that Todd was just that - tired and crabby - Jared said goodnight and turned out the light.

Later, Jared lay in bed reading, unable to sleep. Todd’s restlessness had kept him awake, though it had been almost two hours now since he last heard anything from Todd’s room. From the repeated sounds of the bed creaking and the headboard hitting the wall, Todd must have been very restless, or, more reasonably, very uncomfortable. He made a mental note to move Todd’s bed further from the wall.

Rubbing burning eyes, Jared set the book down and clicked off the light. He no sooner settled into the bedding, and found that sweet spot in the mattress that summoned sleep, when a noise opened his eyes.

It was the unmistakable sound of someone walking in the hall. Jared sat up and turned his light back on, eyes protesting painfully at the brightness. Seconds later, Todd appeared in the hall. There was something odd about his posture…that, and the fact that he was opening the linen closet directly across from Jared’s open door. Jared opened his mouth to speak, but was stunned silent as Todd tried to walk into the small, shelved closet. He was sleepwalking.

Jared felt momentarily alarmed, but then remembered what the doctor had told him about sleepwalking. That it usually happens with in the first two hours of sleep and emotional upset can trigger it as well as being overly tired. Todd fit the bill in all categories. The best information that Jared had learned, was that you can communicate with a sleepwalker - just don’t try to wake them. Unable to enter the linen closet, Todd turned and walked into Jared’s room and headed for his large walk-in closet. Quickly, Jared was up and running over top his mattress to head Todd off. Jared’s large hand placed at the top of the twin doors kept them closed…soft groans of frustration came from Todd. Taking a few deep, calming breaths, Jared asked very softly and slowly, “Whatcha doin’, Todd?”

“I’m tired,” Todd said in a frustrated whine. Carefully, Jared turned him around towards the bedroom door.

“Okay, baby, let’s go back to bed.”

“’Kay.”

Todd’s eyes were partially open, bloodshot, puffy, and had a flat, empty look to them. Clearly Todd was asleep. Jared was able to steer Todd back to his bed. He would have liked to put Todd in bed with him, but didn’t think that was a good idea. Todd would not be pleased to know that he was caught sleepwalking; he was overly touchy about it. There had been some very unpleasant mornings caused by Todd’s… a light dawned! It was so blindly clear now…Todd’s mood this morning - rather yesterday morning. He must have woken up in the closet. Todd had seemed so out of sorts, even for him, and he had been standing just in front of it when Jared went to wake him up. Jared cursed himself for a blind idiot - he should have seen it.

Todd’s bed was a disarray of sheets, and the down comforter was on the floor. Finding the pillow somewhere in the half dark, Jared tucked Todd back into bed.

“C’mon, babe. Into bed now.”

Todd moaned loudly and rolled off his back to lie on his stomach.

“My butt hurts,” came the sleepy complaint from the pillow.

“I know…shhh, shhh…sleep now, baby.”

Jared just made neutral shushing sounds and rubbed the boy’s back softly until Todd’s breathing became rhythmic and deep.

A while later, back in his own bed, Jared settled in and relaxed. Good news was that after sleepwalking the person would rarely get up again. Jared reached into his nightstand and took out a note pad to make a few notations on the time and date, and some details on tonight’s exercise, then found sleep himself.

The next morning was miserable for Todd. His butt hurt like never before; he still could not sit with out discomfort, his muscles ached horribly and his sinuses were a mess. He thought maybe some time tuning the bikes would help, and then he remembered he was not allowed in the garage. He felt weird, and very close to just curling up under the covers and bawling. Not quite ready to give in to that strong temptation, Todd forced himself out of bed and into the bathroom for a shower. Maybe the steam would kill the sinus pressure.

A quick examination of his backside in the mirror revealed only large areas of pinked skin, and the red marks from the belt still showing, as well as very faint bruising under his cheeks, but not so sore he couldn’t touch it.

“How is it?”

Todd spun around to find Jared in the doorway.

“Do you care?”

Ignoring the surly remark, Jared walked in started the shower before he turned to Todd.

“Yeah, Todd, I do care - very much. Are you having regrets or second thoughts about staying here?”

“No.” The answer was out before his brain processed the question. “Did you?”

Giving Todd an exasperated look, Jared closed the glass door to the shower as steam began to billow.

“I think you got out of bed too early.”

Todd leaned against the bathroom counter incredibly close to tears, alarming Jared.

“Todd, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“It’s just…just…I don’t know…everything. The rules … you … I’m … the … this!”

He pointed at his rear in the mirror. Jared kept his cool and his features from showing his growing concern.

“That. You had coming. You earned it.”

Shaking his head, Todd fought for the right words.

“Look, I know I fuc…(deep breath) messed up, okay? But can’t we just…”

“Can’t we do what, Todd?” Jared prodded in that calm voice.

“Can’t we just start over… you know, from scratch? It’s not like we started out the best.”

Reaching back into the shower Jared turned off the water and faced Todd, a very serious expression on his face.

“No, we can’t start over from scratch.”

“WHY?”

Even to Todd’s own ears, that came out incredibly whiney.

“Todd, that’s all you’ve done your whole life. You start but never finish.”

Confused Todd shook his head, “Dude, what are you talking about?”

“Something gets too personal, too hard, and you bail, disappear … run. You get too close to someone - you leave. Like Arizona, right, Todd? And probably other places too.”

Todd’s expression gave him away, but he still denied Jared’s words.

“Dude, you’re on crack.”

“Yeah, what about Clara? You started to care for her and she clearly cared for you. So you split before anything or anyone gets to close. She got sick, you got attached…how do I know? I know you gave her money for medicine, and how you got the money too. Next day you were gone. You’re so afraid to get close because perhaps something might happen, you might get hurt or worse…you might not.”

Todd paled. Jared had found a weak link in his armor and exposed it.

“I’m right, aren’t I, Todd?”

Jared watched a myriad of expressions cross the face he loved so much. Confusion, anger, fear and finally defeat.

“I’m not going anywhere, Todd. I don’t plan on anything happening to me, and if it does, it does. You can’t go through life living in fear and avoidance.”

“Watch me. I do alright.”

A look of pure tolerance set on Jared’s face.

“That’s a load of crap. Kiddo, you’re missing out on life, on friends and love. It’s time to finish what you start. You don’t have to go it alone anymore. You won’t be alone. I’ll be there to help.”

Todd made a negative gesture with his hand and shot hotly back, “Yeah, and bust my ass every chance you get.”

“Only when it’s needed, Todd. Not for every little thing you do wrong. Just the big things.”

“Yeah…like breathing,” the boy mumbled sardonically.

“No, I’m pretty lax on breathing…as long as it’s done regular…in, out, in, out,” Jared said trying crack the icy mood…and failing.

“It’s the big stuff, kid, like the knife, stealing, running, tantrums and your temper, that will get you into more trouble than you can handle, Todd. Fighting, unless in self-defense. And I will never tolerate you harming yourself, either physically or mentally…Let’s see, oh and general disobedience ... and that breathing thing.”

Todd just glared in annoyance at the towering man.

“So, what you’re saying is, basically…every thing.”

Jared chose to ignore the remark. Todd was plainly cranky this morning.

“Get in the shower, Todd. I’m going to go make breakfast,” Jared started to leave the bathroom. “Maybe a full stomach will improve your mood…”

Irrationally, Todd’s temper erupted at the Tank’s retreating back.

“Go on, leave! Why not? Everyone else has. You’re just like all the others, you don’t want me, no one does…not even my own Moth….” Todd caught himself. He had no idea where that came from or why…he knew better…didn’t he? He felt sick inside. His mom had wanted him, Jared had said so… he saw the report from the hospital…Jared would not make *that* up. Jared said he loved him and wanted him…even Clara had loved him in her own gruff way…the way she used to nag at him for his risks... Todd didn’t get too far in his thinking, before he was reminded that he wasn’t alone in the room.

Jared crossed the room and spun Todd roughly around to meet his stern face…he was not a happy man. Jared could plainly see the confusion on Todd’s beautiful face.

Todd just stood there stunned-like. He felt his throat constrict painfully, and his eyes burned as Jared grabbed his arms and gave him a powerful neck-snapping shake.

“Why, you little…Go on, finish.”

Todd just looked away. Jared could tell he was confused and about to cry. Not with tears and sobs like last night, or those that ordinary people display. Todd’s way was silent and private and painful. He’s eyes were red and glossy and his breathing was very shallow, making him pale.

“You can’t, can you? Todd, you have this self-pity stuff down pretty good - too good. I know that you have good reason to feel that way about some people, most, in fact, but you know better than that about your mom, don’t you, Todd?”

The dark head moved to face him. Todd’s eyes sparkled with a flood of tears, yet not one of them fell.

“Answer me…don’t you, Todd?”

Todd just nodded, not trusting his voice. Shame griped his throat with a heavy hand.

“If you believe that I don’t care, or that Brian, Deek, and the rest here don’t care, you are very sadly mistaken. Todd, I care, I care so very much. Look, every time I lecture you, or stop you from doing dangerous things, or smack your ass, it’s because I do love and care about you.”

Todd’s gut began to tighten, he fought to get a grip on what he was feeling, and there was so much feeling…too much, it was too hard to hold it all in. He turned his head away, but not before a few traitorous tears slid down his cheek. Large fingers gripped his chin with remarkable tenderness, forcing eye contact.

Jared saw the tears, and the corner of the upper lip trembled ever so slightly. It let him know how much turmoil Todd was in. Poor kid, yet he brought it on himself. Jared wiped a tear away with the rough pad of his thumb.

“Do you always have to hit me to prove it? It sucks!”

“Ah, Todd, yeah, it sucks. Your sense of right and wrong and your priorities are all screwed up. As much as you want to be a grown man…you’re just not. You don’t know how to be. There are lessons that you need to learn, and sometimes it’s a lesson taught over a knee. There is no always here…I don’t always spank you. Boy, you get away with more than you would believe. Do you want me to spank you for everything you do that earns you one?”

Todd was perfectly aware of the substitution of the word ‘spank’ for ‘hit’. There was just no fighting Jared . . . no winning, anyway. Todd gave up and made a detailed study of his bare toes, regretting this whole conversation…he hated losing, and Jared had a way of twisting things to where he made sense and Todd did not. Jared turned Todd around and shoved him gently towards the shower.

“A long, hot shower and a hot breakfast will do you a world of good…and no, no weird stuff either…just a good ol’ fashioned breakfast.”

The shower helped…but Todd’s muscles still complained painfully when he moved…they were all tight and achy. His head ached less, but the pain was still lurking in the background. Todd dried off, got dressed, and joined Jared in the kitchen. The place smelled wonderful, and his stomach growled its desire to be filled. Todd nearly swooned from the amount of food piled on the kitchen table…was he suppose to eat all that? Even with Jared’s huge appetite, he didn’t think it was possible. Jared once again flexed his mind reading capabilities.

“No, Todd…(chuckle) I don’t expect you to eat all that…we have comp-”

A deep voice interrupted Jared.

“Morning, Todd.”

Brian, the human brick wall, spoke from behind Todd…completely ruining his appetite. Todd quietly mumbled what appeared to be good morning, and made to leave the kitchen.

“Don’t run off. Breakfast is almost ready.”

Todd faced Jared, saying he was not hungry. Jared felt his dander rise, but chose not to snap at Todd, or to remind him of last night’s deal. He didn’t want to scold him in front of Brian and embarrass him.

“Nonsense. How do you like your eggs?”

About to tell Jared where he could stick his eggs, Todd found himself in the cross hairs of twin pairs of green eyes both mirroring the same warning. Conceding the no win situation, Todd just shrugged.

“Dunno…cooked?”

He was serious, but he got echoing chuckles from the two brothers.

“Put in front of me, and I eat what I get…ya know?”

Trying to sound light and easy this time, Todd found matching expressions that very closely resembled pity. A large plate of soft-yoked eggs with fried potatoes and sausage and biscuits the size of large donuts was under his nose as he gingerly sat at the counter. One look at the eggs had him regretting his choice of words. He didn’t really like eggs to begin with, but eating the gelatinous mounds of yellow yoke floating on thin white beds was not something he thought he could do. His expression caught the attention of the two larger men, and Brian picked up the plate before Jared could ask a single question.

“Jared, sit…Todd, it’s okay. Taste is a funny and personal thing. To each his own.”

Jared shrugged and sat down next to Todd, giving him a tall glass of orange juice along with a look that dared him to argue. Brian put the full plate in the oven to keep it warm along with the others, and began to heat up a pan. Soon he was tossing and juggling eggs and other items with animated flair. Todd couldn’t help but be amazed that the cold brick wall was actually a little funny in a scary way, and bit of an idiot as he juggled raw eggs. Brian seemed shocked when he caught one wrong, wearing the contents. Jared just rolled his eyes and pulled broad faces.

“Um…you gonna clean that up, right bro?”

Winking at Todd, Brian ignored his younger sibling. With in moments, all three men were eating in comfortable silence. Todd was made to sit at the table with both large men, yet he felt okay…not worried or judged…a new sensation. Before him was an omelet filled with sausage and cheese with potatoes on the side…it was the best thing he could remember eating in a long time. Todd was half way through it, when he was ripped from the enjoyment and his appetite flew out the window with one phrase.

“I hear there was some excitement here last night,” Brian said casually as he ate, as if he were commenting on the weather.

Todd froze in mid-swallow. He stared at his plate, gripping his fork tightly, waiting for the shouting to come, the name calling…pain. Todd managed to swallow with a great deal of work. He could feel a hot blush creep to his face and burn to his ears. Missing the withering look Jared shot his older brother, and the equally stern glance that was returned, all Todd was aware of was that the heavenly food was now sitting like a bomb in his stomach. A large hand covered Todd’s fisted left hand placed beside his plate. It was warm, and very gentle, as it gave him a firm squeeze. It took great restraint not to yank away.

“I’m very happy to know you’re all right and no one was hurt.”

Todd wasn’t sure if he agreed with Brian’s assessment of no injuries…his butt still complained every time he sat down.

“I kinda like the idea of you hanging around son.”

Todd’s eyes flickered up momentarily; the sincerity was naked in Brian’s face. Another lump formed in his throat having nothing to do with breakfast. Brian pulled his hand back from the boy, who seemed painfully uncomfortable.

“Jared…eat up, boy…we’re burning daylight, and those reports won’t keep forever,” Brian barked good-naturedly, as he gathered his plate and put it in the sink. He returned to pat and rub Todd affectionately on the back of his lean shoulders.

“You too, young man, eat up. Didn’t mean to spoil your appetite. I’ll leave you alone to eat in peace. I want it gone, and not down the disposal either.”

Todd received a warning flick on the ear. Dumping his plate was precisely what he had in mind as soon as he was alone. The slight sting of his ear changed his plans. Both of the large men left him to retreat into Jared’s study. Normally Jared would conduct business in his office downstairs, but he did not want to just abandon Todd. Not after last night . . . and this morning the boy seemed so unsettled.

Todd was left alone to eat. His appetite returned and he cleaned his plate. Bored and unable to go anywhere, Todd cleared up the kitchen to give himself something to do. There was this annoying mental itch in the back of his mind … ignoring it, he concentrated on cleaning. That done, he went to the game room to shoot some pool. After three disinterested games of beating himself, Todd sat down gingerly in a chair. The itch inside his mind grew, and a few times nearly took over his emotions. Practicing well-honed tricks to push the rising emotions away, Todd just switched his focus to his stiff body, rotating sore shoulders.

“Hurts like hell, doesn’t it?”

Todd looked up to see Mouse walking in. Great, just what he needed. Not having the will or the drive to fight or put up with any grief from rat boy, Todd chose to just save Mouse the trouble and his breath. Todd got up and gave the older blond a cold eye.

“Yeah, have your laugh, asshole. Yeah, it hurts, okay? I got what I deserved…I got my ass beat…you could have sold tickets to the show…sitting sucks, okay? Fuckin’ happy now?” His voice flat and detached.

Moving to brush past Mouse, Todd found himself stopped by a surprisingly strong arm.

“Dude…chill out…I wasn’t-”

Not interested in what Mouse had to say, Todd tried to shove past. Mouse might be a couple inches shorter but he was much stronger than he looked.

“Fuck you. Get out of my-”

Mouse’s temper snapped, and he placed his foot behind Todd’s heal, tripping Todd backwards into his seat…hard...stealing any chance he had of fighting back. Mouse heard Todd hiss air out through his lips and saw him reach behind as he made painful contact with the hard wood chair. The grimace on Todd’s face made plain that Jared was not messing around last night. Taking a deep breath, Mouse watched Todd nurse his tender backside. The younger kid didn’t seem anywhere as tough or dangerous as he had in days past, but he wasn’t any friendlier either. Todd refused to make eye contact, staring at the floor almost trance-like. Mouse’s temper died as he watched Todd just sit there red faced, eye’s cast down…oh, how he remembered his own first few months here, and this idiot was a bigger snot than he had been, or was allowed to be.

“Look…dude, that is SO not what I was gonna say. Believe me, I know how much “that” hurts, okay? Dude, I know.”

Todd still refused to acknowledge Mouse. Sitting down, Mouse tried to clarify.

“I was talking about being tazed, dude. It fuckin’ sucks ass.”

Lifting his head to look at Mouse, Todd’s expression was full of disbelief.

“Riiight, like you’re gonna sit there and tell me that Deek tazed you?”

A dark flush colored the light complexion of Mouse’s face as he cracked a shy grin, his blue eyes sparkled against the red cheeks.

“No, not quite…just, I know how it feels…muscles all achy and stiff. It’s from the spasms that the shock causes. It’ll ache for a while, but it should be gone by tomorrow.”

Brown eyes narrowed in disbelief.

“Yeah…how did you get shot if Deek didn’t do it?”

Letting go an annoyed sigh, Mouse shook his spiky-haired head.

“Dude, I shot myself, okay?”

Todd stared in open skepticism. Rolling his eyes in exaggerated annoyance, Mouse told the whole story.

“I was messing around with Deek’s taser and it went off. One of them damn happy blue balls nailed me in the leg, and well, next thing I know, I’m doing the dead bug on the floor.”

A strange sensation caught Todd in the chest. He had to swallow several times to get it under control. Mouse was red faced and shifted in his seat.

“Did…(cough) you get beat?”

A grimace twisted Mouse’s handsome face.

“Fool, they don’t beat kids here, all right? Deek, the saint that he is, thought it was punishment enough that I peed my pants, so he let me off with that as a warning.”

The strange feeling Todd was choking down was an overwhelming need to laugh. A few snickers came out…he looked up at Mouse, who sat there shaking his head at Todd.

“Yeah, dude, go ahead…laugh at my pain…no, really, it’s cool…just the most humiliating experience of my life, but get you some laughs.”

It was all said with a lightness and humor that gave away Mouse’s laughter at himself.

Todd laid his head down on the table, his laughter choking him. Mouse watched as Todd’s shoulders shook from the acute case of the giggles, but when Todd lifted his head, he had tears rolling down his face…but not from laugher. A faint gasp, or maybe a sob escaped, as Todd laid his head back down. Todd couldn’t stop it…never felt it coming. The mental itch he’d been ignoring, took him hostage. Sobs filled his lungs and tears fell down on the tabletop - the tentative hold he had on his emotions all day was about to completely snap. He banged his head on the table to force some control back…unsuccessfully.

“Todd? Dude, what’s wro-”

“Todd, who are you talking…oh, hey, Mouse…what’s-”

Jared came out of his study to check on the voices he and Brian could hear, to find Mouse and Todd sitting at a table in the game room. He hurried over to Todd as the boy continued banging his forehead on the hard tabletop, and looked to Mouse for answers.

“I just came up to see him. Dude, we were just talking, and only a second ago we was giggling like girls then…bang!”

Jared stopped Todd from hitting his head, lifted Todd’s face to his, and saw the tears and the look in the brown eyes. He was close to panic…and read clearly the pleading look.

“Is he okay, Jared?” Brian’s deep baritone came from the doorway.

Todd groaned miserably at the unwanted audience, and buried his face in his arms on the table.

“Yeah, he’s okay…just really tired, I think. Mouse, could you maybe come back tomorrow? I don’t think he’s up to company right now.”

Mouse gave Todd a concerned look, but got a reassuring nod from Jared.

“Sure…no dilly O. Later, Todd.”

Todd did not look up, just raised his hand and gave a peace sign.

“I’ll walk out with you, Mouse…Jared and I are done anyway.”

Jared gave his brother a look of gratitude. They had barely started on any quarterly reports, since most of the time spent in the study had been devoted to the topic of Todd.

Brian and Mouse left quickly and quietly. Jared turned his concentration on the upset young man. Todd had pulled himself together quickly, but Jared could see the strain on him.

“You okay, Todd?”

Todd brushed off Jared hands and tried to wipe his eyes.

“Oh, yeah …fucking peachy…shit, I have turned into such a little bitch.”

Jared took a hold of Todd’s face, and leveled his stern gaze at him.

“No, you’re not. Just tired. You didn’t sleep well last night.”

Rubbing his eyes, Todd allowed Jared to hoist him to his feet.

“Rat boy’s right…one minute we’re laughing, then next, bang…waterworks.”

“C’mon, lets get you back to bed…I think a nap would do you some good.”

Todd’s first instinct was to tell Jared where he could get off, but Todd had no energy to fight. So against his nature, he gave in and just nodded and said fine . . . such a small word ‘fine’. One that Jared would grow to hate in the next few days.

A little surprised by the lack of a fuss, Jared just took it as a gift, and put Todd to bed. Todd was fast asleep in less than ten minutes under the stroking hand that Jared used on his tense shoulders and back and hair.

* * * * *

The night Jared first caught Todd sleepwalking set the pace for the days to come. Todd said little, responded to little, was preoccupied with his own thoughts, and then would have severe mood swings from placid to near violent. His sleepwalking increased to every night. Jared could almost set his alarm to Todd’s nocturnal behavior. Two hours into sleeping - that is, when Jared could get Todd to go to sleep – the boy was up and walking about the penthouse zombie-style. Jared made notations in his notebook for each night, and soon found a direct correlation to Todd’s moods and his sleepwalking: before bed and in the morning he was an absolute terror to deal with. It was almost as if Todd knew it was coming, so he’d prolong and protest going to bed several times, near to the point of getting his butt warmed for his overreaction to being sent to bed. Jared would catch him up late in the night prowling around the penthouse. On his own, Todd would have kept hours that would wear out a vampire ... and retraining Todd to decent hours was wearing out Jared for sure. Once he caught Todd working out in his bedroom at 4am. Todd had taken his desk chair and was using it for some deep and intense pushups. The boy was nearly exhausted when Jared interrupted - evidently he’d been at it for some time. He was soaked in sweat, veins popping out of his lean muscular arms, and he had little wind to argue with as Jared scolded him fiercely.

This wasn’t the only time Jared found Todd punishing himself like this, and it had him very concerned - about it, and about Todd’s behavior when caught. It was as if he had been caught masturbating, or some such private activity. Todd’s attitude one night over being caught out of bed, earned him a very painful session with Jared’s hand on his bare bottom. Later, after Jared had both punished and put Todd to bed, the kid was soon up knocking on Jared’s bedroom door. He was very contrite, and tried calmly to convince Jared he didn’t need this much sleep. Eventually, with gentle - but firm - refusals, and subtle questions from Jared, Todd cracked open a little of his secret self and admitted in his own vague way that he was afraid to sleep much because of the sleepwalking, and sometimes bad dreams.

The days that followed were quiet, too quiet for Jared. Todd’s moods seemed to grow darker, and he tried to keep to himself. Jared would not let him just hide in his room and withdraw he cajoled him into chess games, or any activity to pull him from wherever his mind was dragging him. Mouse helped: he came by fairly frequently to get slaughtered in a game of pool or darts. The boys seemed to have made a comfortable peace between themselves. Jared took Todd swimming, or let him pound on the punching bag all he wanted. Todd never seemed himself at the bag, though. Whatever was bothering him was more intense with the bag and he would become rather hesitant and skittish. There was something to that, but Todd never would open up.

The days were not so bad ... it was the nights that were draining. Todd made nightly trips to closets, his sleepwalking showcasing his state of mind, despite the constant answers of “I’m fine.”

Jared made a call to the doctor with his concerns. He told Roy the details about the night Todd broke down, and what led to it, as well as what had followed since.

“Jared, that’s good news. Yes, it does sound as if Todd has had a possible breakthrough.”

“But? I think I hear a ‘but’ coming, doc.”

Roy could hear Jared’s scowling over the phone.

“No. No ‘buts’… just a caution. I am very encouraged by what you’ve said, I just have concerns that you may read too much into things too soon.”

Jared and the doctor went over Todd’s moodiness, and the doctor was quite sure it was, in fact, a sign that Todd was struggling within himself. Jared could probably look forward to some rough days ahead - no immediate help there.

The sleepwalking he could control now, with set bedtimes and medications to help Todd sleep. Jared accepted the prescriptions, but was holding out for hope that Todd and he could calm down the nights without them. Todd was dead set against pills of any sort. One was an anti-depressant for a short term, and the other was a potent sleeping pill.

“Jared, I am not trying to discourage you in the least, but you must understand that Todd has had years to develop and perfect these tricks of his, or habits, if you will. Think of it like this, Jared, Todd is in many ways an addict.”

Jared did not understand that example at all.

“What? An addict to what? I don’t follow.”

“ If you hadn’t have interrupted, you would have understood my point by now,” Came the terse answer from the doctor.

Unseen by anyone, a red-hot blush stained Jared’s neck.

“Sorry, Roy. Please continue.”

“Like I said, people like Todd are much like addicts. Addicted to those antisocial habits, behaviors, tricks. Being unemotional, unattached, is safe. It’s his drug, and it’s very addictive to someone who feels he has to be in constant control. It’s easy to slide back into bad or dangerous habits instead of fighting to learn new methods of working things out.”

This sounded chillingly reasonable.

“Yeah, I get that. So what do I do, Roy? Enroll him in some emotional 12 step program?” Frustration resonated in Jared’s voice, and a fair amount of fear.

“No, Jared, I’m afraid there is no such luxury. I’m only telling you what you need to know.”

Jared pinched the area between his eyes tiredly.

“ I know, Roy…I know, I know. I’m sorry…again. So what should I do?”

“No need to apologize…you’re concerned, and it’s a hard subject to nail down. Like I have said many times before, I am no psychologist. This is only my personal thoughts and experience talking, and it tells me that Todd will try to reestablish these habits given the smallest chance. So you need to stand firm - now more than ever before - on rules and consequences, as well as the rewards and reassurances. Don’t let him use this as a new tool to push you away.”

Jared was given some more advice on post-traumatic behavior, as well as a harsh lecture aimed at himself for keeping Todd so locked up. The doctor found little wonder the boy was so moody. Todd was like a mustang tossed in a barn…it was not natural for him to be indoors so much, and it was having a negative impact on his psyche. That weighed heavy on Jared’s mind most of the day.

Getting Todd to eat was another arena for the battle of wills. There were times Jared was tempted to just paddle Todd raw before the meal, to avoid the constant arguing and threats to do just that, which seemed necessary to get food into the boy’s mouth. Jared knew it was the boy’s nerves that were affecting his appetite. He’d fed Todd at the cabin, and the boy didn’t eat much then, but it was sure more than what he ate now. Noticing the time, Jared sighed and began to prep for lunch. It was a little early, but better to get a head start on the battle of wills.

“Todd, C’mon…lunch is ready!”

Todd showed up with his usual lack of interest. He seemed a little pale to Jared.

“You alright, Todd?”

“Fine.”

Jared gritted his teeth - he was truly beginning to hate that word. Pasting a smile on his face, Jared set a place for them at the counter. A meal of roast beef sandwiches with plenty of cheese, homemade potato chips, soup and a huge glass of milk was set before Todd. Jared sat down and began to eat, watching Todd pick, dissect, and rarely nibble at his food. He seemed a million miles away, and not in a happy place.

“Is my cooking that bad, kid?”

Todd’s face flushed and he gave Jared a sad grin.

“No, it’s fine.”

“Counting to ten is overrated,” Jared grumbled to himself.

“I’m just not real hungry.”

Pointing at the plate, Jared gently urged Todd to eat.

“C’mon Todd, eat up. I don’t get it, Todd. For someone who had to worry or scrounge for his meals, you’d think you’d eat me out of house and home like Mouse did when he came to live here. ”

“Rat boy didn’t come to live here. You snagged him - like you did me.”

Beautiful brown eyes looked sheepishly at Jared, and the kid squirmed in his chair under the emerald gaze.

“Yep, sure was…now eat.”

There was no anger or annoyance in Jared at all - just annoying single mindedness to make him choke down food.

“Maybe…could I get some…um…time in the garage…if I do … C’mon, dude, please?”

The earnest plea in Todd’s face was impossible to resist. Jared caved, but not without making Todd up the ante.

“You’re on restriction, Todd.” Jared said evenly.

Todd’s shoulders drooped in disappointment. Jared had to take a bite of sandwich to hide his smile. Thick lashes that curled at the tips hooded Todd’s expressive eyes, but not before Jared saw the flash of resentment and anger. He waited. Todd just sat there in quiet resignation, no outbursts, no arguments.

“I know…I just thought…that…”

“ That I could be bribed?”

Quirking a brow, Jared waited for Todd’s answer. Todd had to fight the urge to flinch under the emerald gaze. That was exactly what he thought. His face burned with his flush. Jared was enjoying Todd’s discomfort; he shouldn’t, but Heaven help him, he was.

“Yeah…I guess.”

Todd did notice that Jared had yet to say ‘no’. He looked over at Jared. The larger man’s expression was hard to read.

“What kind of trade are we talking about?”

Narrowed eyes peered into Jared’s. Did the Tank tease him, or was he serious? Stupid question, Todd told himself. Jared was always serious about this stuff.

“Um…half my sandwich for a couple hours?”

Jared pretended to contemplate. He had every intention of allowing the time in the garage … but not that cheaply.

“It was a couple huge mistakes that cost you that privilege. Do you really think a few bites will make up for that?”

The firm voice and the way Jared drilled him with those sharp eyes, made Todd regret ever mentioning a thing. He slumped in his seat.

“No, sir.”

A gentle smile pulled at the corners of Jared’s mouth. A second later, a frown erased that easy smile. Were those tears building in the corner of Todd’s eyes?

“Todd?”

No response - just stiff silence from the youth.

“Hey…you do not have to call me ‘sir’…I’ve never asked you to. Now Brian…well, that is a good idea…and all this time I thought you had no manners.”

What was this…was that a smirk that twitched on Todd’s lips?

“Tell you what. I want half your lunch eaten, half of the sandwich, half the soup and all the milk. No wait ... there is more,” Jared cut off Todd’s ready agreement.

“I want all your dinner eaten tonight, including the vegetables. Gone …history…every bite, and no complaints either.”

Before Todd could tell Jared to shove his offer sideways up his ass, Jared threw in the reward.

“Small price for a whole day in the garage, don’t you think?”

Todd agreed and ate half his lunch. Only about hundred or so times, did Jared have to remind him to slow down and chew. Jared nearly laughed out loud, for not more than a half an hour later, Todd was in his coveralls and back in the kitchen and filling his pockets with the homemade potato chips with a bashful shrug.

“They’re good. You said the whole day right?”

“Yes, I did. Instead of giving you a time to be back, I’ll just come and get you. Maybe a quick swim before dinner with Deek and Mouse?”

“Fuck Deek!”

It as out of Todd’s mouth before he could stop it. He sat there stunned, afraid to look at Jared, already aware of the tightness in the large body. He was doomed.

“Sorry, Jared.”

Jared barely heard the ragged whisper. So, Todd still harbored some anger toward Deek. He watched as Todd beat himself up over the outburst. Head down, bangs hiding his expressive eyes.

“Todd, who do you think is in the wrong here, you or Deek?”

Eyes full of anger and accusation regarded Jared. Only mild patience met that stare. Todd knew he had been wrong, and it galled him.

“He didn’t haveta shoot me.”

There was such a boyish quality to that complaint.

“Yes, he did…and you know it as well as he does…don’t you?”
Shrugging shoulders was all the answer Jared got, and it was close enough.

“Get your butt down to the garage before I change my mind.” Jared said as he picked up Todd’s plate. His smile belied his harsh tone.

The look Todd gave Jared made is heart skip a beat. A rare smile graced Todd’s full lips…it was wobbly and fleeting, but it was genuine smile. Jared took it as the thanks Todd could not express.

* * * * *

Todd had very little work left down here on his bike - it was competition ready, and the bike Jared owned was now as good as new. Todd kept it covered. He wanted to surprise the big man with it. Annoyed with himself for the need of the Tank’s approval and opinion, he hated the fact that he did.

Finished, for the most part, on the dirt bikes and still several hours to go before he expected Jared, Todd looked around the garage. His eyes kept returning to the same spot. Did he dare? Ah, but it would be so sweet. With no further thought, Todd picked up his tools with smug smile of pure mischief and turned his talents on some payback.

Chapter 21

Y2K12 Index

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© Copyright Frostspinner August 15, 2003