Table of Contents Amazing Grace Argentinean Chugging Song Bagpipe Song Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies Bestiality’s Best Carolina Chugging Song A Few of my Favorite Things Dead Whore Dear Old Dad Doggies’ Meeting The Engineer’s Song Eye, Yeye, Yeye, Yeye Four and Twenty Virgins Gang Bang Glorious, Victorious I Like Beer I Like Cunt I Put my Hand I Used to Work in Chicago If I Were the Marrying Kind Incest is Best Illinois Touring Song Mary Anne Barnes Duluth Molly Malone Moose Song My Oneskin Hangs Down to my Twoskin Necrophilia’s Best No Balls Rawhide S and M Man The Sexual Life of the Camel Sloop John B Sweet Violets Swing Low (Insert sport) Chicks Twelve Days of (insert sport) Welcome Song When the Time of the Month Comes Around Wild Rover Woodpecker’s Song Yogi Bear The Engineer’s Song An engineer told me before he died, Ah-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, An engineer told me before he died, Aye --- oh --- oh --- oh, An engineer told me before he died, And I’ve no reason to believe that he lied, Ah-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, Ah-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum. He had a wife with a cunt so wide, Ah-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, He had a wife with a cunt so wide, Aye --- oh --- oh --- oh, He had a wife with a cunt so wide, That she could never be satisfied, Ah-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, Ah-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum, titty-rum. So he built a bloody great wheel, With two balls of brass and a prick of steel. The balls of brass he filled with cream, And the whole fucking issue was powered by steam. He tied her to a leg of the bed, He tied her hands above her head. There she lay demanding a fuck, He shook her hand and wished her luck. ‘Round and ‘round went the bloody great wheel, In and out went the prick of steel. Up and up went the level of steam, Down and down went the level of cream. ‘Till at last the maiden cried, “Enough, enough, I’m satisfied.” Now we come to the tragic bit, There was no way of stopping it. She was split from ass to tit, And the whole fucking issue was covered in shit. Dinah CHORUS: Dinah, Dinah show us your leg, Show us your leg, show us your leg. Dinah, Dinah show us your leg, A yard above your knee. I wish I were the diamond ring, On Dinah's dainty hand. Then every time she wiped her ass, I'd see the promised LAND! LAND! LAND! The rich girl rides a limousine, The poor girl rides a truck. But the only ride that Dinah has, Is when she has a RIGHT GOOD FUCK! The rich girl uses a sanitary towel, The poor girl uses a sheet. But Dinah uses nothing at all, Leaves a trail along the STREET! STREET! STREET! The rich girl wears a ring of gold, The poor girl one of brass. But the only ring that Dinah wears, Is the one around her ASS! ASS! ASS! The rich girl wears a brassiere, The poor Girl uses string, But Dinah uses nothing at all, She let's the bastards SWING! SWING! SWING! The rich girl uses Vaseline, The poor uses lard. But Dinah uses axle grease, Because her cunt's so HARD! HARD! HARD! The rich girls work in factories, The poor girls work in stores. But Dinah works in a honky-tonk, With forty other WHORES! WHORES! WHORES! Illinois Touring Song From the depths of deep Antarctica, Where the Brits will never reign, Lies the body of a great big polar bear, Fucked to death by a (insert sport) team. Chorus: We are the perverts of society, We are the worst you’ve ever seen. We are a bunch of loud-mouthed bastards, We are the Illinois RFC Well we don’t go up no mountains, ‘Cause they’re too fucking steep; And we don’t go down no valleys, ‘Cause they’re too fucking deep. Well we have this reputation, For molesting little boys; For robbing old-age pensioners, And for stealing kiddies’ toys. (optional fourth verse) From the coast of California, To the cesspits of D.C., We leave a trail of gonorrhea, Syphilis and VD. Chugging Song Why was he born so beautiful, Why was he born at all, He’s no fucking use to anyone, He’s no fucking use at all. He should be publicly pissed on, He should be publicly shot, He should be tied to a urinal, And left there to fester and rot. Moose Song Tune: Villikins and His Dinah/Sweet Betsy From Pike CHORUS: Moose, Moose, I love a moose, I've never had anything quite like a moose, My life has been merry, My women been loose, But nothing compares to the love of a moose, When I was a young lad I played with the girls, I'd fondle their titties and twirl their curls, But my true love ran off with a classmate named Bruce, I never got treated that way by a moose, When I'm in the mood for a very fine lay, I go to the closet and pull out some hay, I open the window and spread it around, Because mooses will come running when hay's on the ground, When I was much younger I read dirty books, I stroked myself with each gazing look, But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle, Like the feeling I get jacking off to Bullwinkle, Women like pearls and diamonds and cars, I spend all my money on them in the bars, But a moose is content to be tied to a tree, While I find other mooses to satisfy me, My girlfriend's a prude, she only likes it one way, It's Missionary style day after day, That's why I sneak off with Margie the Moose, Whenever I want to ride the caboose, The Eastern girls just aren’t quite right, The women up here are much too tight, But give them an hour out back with a moose, And they will return hot, horny and loose, Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair, I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there, I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose, But I've never had anything quite like a moose. Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night, And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight, But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose, As the feeling you gets when you humps with a moose. Now that I'm older and on in my years, I'll have you know that I shed me no tears, While I sit by the fire with a glass of Mateuse, Playing hide the salami with Mary the Moose. I Like Cunt Tune: Three Blind Mice I like cunt, I like cunt, Up against railings I've often stood, Fucking young ladies and doing them good, It's so much better than pulling your pud, 'Cause I like cunt, I like cunt. Amazing Grace Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I’m found, Was blind, but now I see. ‘Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears relieved. How precious did that Grace appear, The hour I first believed. Through many dangers, toils, and snares, We have already come. ‘Twas Grace that brought us safe thus far, Grace will lead us home. When we’ve been there ten thousand years, Bright shining as the sun, We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise Than when we first begun. (insert sport) Chicks Rugby chicks, They play one, They munch beaver just for fun, With a knick-knack, paddywhack, give the bitch a lay, Rugby chicks don’t count anyway. They play two, They have more facial hair than you They play three, They stand up to take a pee They play four, we’re not getting any anymore They play five, Tex will screw them dead or alive They play six, they play worse than they suck dicks They play seven, if they’d fuck us they’d be in heaven They play eight, they can’t drink but they still gain weight They play nine, one bear hug and they’ll break your spine They play ten, they’ve been places men have never been A Few Of My Favorite Things Middle and Pinky and Index and Ring, Throw in the thumb and you've got the whole thing, It works just fine and it's also quite safe, These are a few of my favorite things. When the dawn breaks, When I wake up, And it's feeling hard, I simply remember my favorite things, And that's when it feels so good. Penthouse and Playboy and something called Forum, They're what I use to help start something going, Centerfolds spread-eagled showing me pink, These are a few of my favorite things. When I'm lonely, Really lonely, By myself again, I simply remember my favorite things, And that's when it feels so good. Welcome Song I have a dog whose name is Rover, tra-la-la-la-la And when he shits he shits over tra-la-la-la-la Chorus: Shit on the ceiling, shit on the floor, Shit on the window, shit on the door, Sshit all over (visiting team name) tra-la-la-la-la I have a dog whose name is Lou, tra-la-la-la-la And when he shits he shits on you. tra-la-la-la-la I have a dog whose name is Niles tra-la-la-la-la And when he shits he shits in piles. tra-la-la-la-la (etc. ad infitum) Wild Rover I’ve been a wild rover for many a year, And I’ve spent all my money on whiskey and beer, But now I’m returning with gold in great store, And I promise I’ll play the wild rover no more. Chorus: And it’s no, nay never [right up your kilt], No, nay, never no more, Will I play the wild rover, No never, no more. I went to an alehouse I used to frequent, And I told the landlady my money was spent. I asked her for credit, She answered me: “Nay, Such a custom as yours I can have any day.” I reached into my pocket, pulled out sovereigns bright, And the landlady’s eyes opened wide with delight; She said: “I have whiskies and wines all the best, And the words I spoke earlier were surely in jest.” I’ll go home to my parents, confess what I’ve done, And I’ll ask them to pardon their prodigal son, And if they forgive me as oft times before, I never will play the wild rover no more. I Like Beer I like beer, It makes me a jolly good fellow, I like beer, It makes me feel good, And sometimes it makes me feel mellow; Whiskey’s too rough, and champagne cost too much, Vodka puts my mouth to tears; This little refrain, Should help me explain, As a matter of fact, I like beer. Sloop John B We come on the Sloop John B, my grandfather and me. Around Nassau town we did roam, Drinking all night, got into a fight, Well I feel so pissed up, I want to go home Chorus: So hoist up the John B’s sail, see how the mainsail sets, Call for the captain ashore, let me go home. Let me go home, I wasn’t to go home, Well I feel so pissed up, I want to go home, To Illinois, to Illinois. The First Mate, he got drunk, opened the captain’s trunk, The constable had to come and take him away. Sheriff John Stone, why don’t you leave me alone? Well I feel so pissed up, I want to go home. The poor cook he caught the fits, he threw away all of my grits, Then he took and he ate up all of my corn. Let me go home, I want to go home, This is the worst trip I’ve ever been on. The Twelve Days of (insert sport) On the first day of (insert sport), my true love gave to me, A hand job that wasn’t worth a fuck. On the second day of (insert sport) my true love gave to me, Two mother fucks. Three French fucks Four flying fucks Five high school chicks Six sixty-niners Seven slurping sisters Eight aching assholes Nine nympho nuns Ten tons of titties Eleven lesboes licking Twelve twats a twitchin’ Dear Old Dad I was out in the Arabian Desert, Beneath the great big sun, When I saw this dirty old warrior Put water in my jug; I said to the dirty old warrior, “How dare you gungadin; Take that shit away from me, And take me to a brewery.” Chorus: ‘Cause beer is best, have another one, beer is best, Makes you fit, makes you strong, Puts more muscle on the old ding-dong; Beer don’t make babies, puts hair upon the chest, What did Adam say to Eve but “beer is best.” Oh I want a beer, just like the beer, That pickled deer old Dad. It was a beer, but not the only beer, That Daddy ever had, A good old fashioned beer with lots of foam, It took six men to carry Daddy home; Oh I want a beer, just like the beer That pickled dear old Dad. I went down to the country whorehouse, About eleven O’clock, I saw this dirty old harlot Put Vaseline on my cock. I said to the dirty old harlot, “How dare you filthy whore, Take that shit off my pole, And give me some felatio.” (Chorus – tickled dear old Dad, six minutes to make Daddy come) I went back to the country whorehouse, Back to the very same place, I saw this dirty old harlot Pull down her panties of lace, She cast aside her panties And sat upon my face; I don’t know, but guys like us, We just like that cunnilingus.” (Chorus – smothered dear old Dad, six men to pull Daddy out of there) Molly Malone In Dublin’s fair city Where the girls are so pretty I first laid my eyes on sweet Molly Malone She wheeled her wheelbarrow Through streets broad and narrow Crying cockles and mussels alive, alive oh Chorus: Alive, alive oh, alive, alive oh, Crying cockles and mussels alive, alive oh She was a fishmonger But ‘twas no wonder, For so were her father and mother before And they wheeled their wheelbarrows Through streets broad and narrow, Crying cockles and mussels alive, alive oh She died of a fever, And no one could save her, And the was the end of sweet Molly Malone But her ghost wheels her barrow Through streets broad and narrow Crying cockles and mussels alive, alive oh. Swing Low Swing low, sweet chariot, Coming for to carry me home; Swing low, sweet chariot, Coming for to carry me home. I looked over Jordan, And what did I see? A band of angels, coming after me, Coming for to carry me home. Dead Whore Tune: My Barney Lies Over the Ocean I passed a dead whore on the roadside I knew right away she was dead. For the skin on her stomach was flaking She hadn't a hair on her head She hadn't a hair on her head. Chorus: Bring back, bring back, Oh bring back my dead whore to me Bring back, bring back, Oh bring back my dead whore to me. I first met my dead whore at Mitch's With a horrible snail-sucking face She'd roll them around on her tongue one And barf them back up in your face. And barf them back up in your face. My dead whore looked into a gas tank The contents of it for to see I lit a match to assist her Oh bring back my dead whore to me, to me Oh bring back my dead whore to me. While nibbling my dead whore's festered nipples A horrible thing to discuss I thought it was milk I was sucking But it turned out it was syphilitic pus, green pus But it turned out it was syphilitic pus. My dead whore's vagina was swelling A condition I thought would soon pass I stuck in my pecker to explore it And she farted green gas from her ass She farted green gas from her ass. I thought of a way of preserving My dead whore for posterity I'd dry her like a piece of beef jerky With a leathery twat just for me, for me With a leathery twat just for me. I French-kissed my dead whore named Merly I thought she had a very active tongue But after an evening of kissing I realized it was maggots from her lung I realized it was maggots from her lung. Once upon thinking it over I realized my terrible sin So I stuck my lips on her sweet pussy And sucked out the load I shot in, shot in And sucked out the load I shot in. But before I could extract that jism My dead whore was pregnant and more Inside the maternity morgue She gave birth to a dead baby whore She gave birth to a dead baby whore. Argentinean Chugging Song Nosotros los hombres marenos, Haremos un barco de guerra, A beber, a beber en el fondo del mar, Porque hay nadie que me quirre en la tierra. La bomba va, la bomba va…. Rawhide Tune: Rawhide Rollin', rollin', rollin, My dick is gettin' swollen, I got this doggie rollin', Rawhide. My knob is hard as leather, But I'll get it in whatever, I wish I could get the tip inside, I stab but I keep missin', This wasn't made for pissin', I'm waiting for this year's first ride. CHORUS: Pull 'em down, get 'em off, Get 'em off, pull 'em down, Pull 'em down, Get 'em off, Rawhide. Stick it in, pull it out, Pull it out, stick it in, Stick it in, pull it out, Rawhide. She's movin', movin', movin', Stops my manhood groovin', This doggie won't stop movin', Raw- hide. It's gonna be sore later, But I've been a masturbator, All those years that I've just spent inside, My balls they are aching, From ages wanking, waiting, Waiting to get this thing inside. Rollin', rollin', rollin', I'm rootin' her assholin', We're mounted doggy style, Rawhide. I don't try to understand her, Just catch and grope and bang her, Now her twat is gettin' wet and wide, My foreskin's torn and tattered, Her pussy's worn and battered, At last I'll drop my load inside. Carolina Tune: Sweet Betsy from Pike Way down in Alabama where the bullshit lies thick, The girls are so pretty that the babies come quick. There lives Carolina, the queen of them all, Carolina, Carolina, the cowpuncher's whore. She's handy, she's bandy, she shags in the street. Whenever you meet her she's always in heat. If you leave your fly open she's after your meat, And the smell of her cunt knocks you right off your feet. One night I was riding way down by the falls, One hand on my pistol, the other on my balls. I saw Carolina there using a stick, Instead of the end of a cowpuncher's prick. I caressed her, undressed her, and laid her down there. And parted the tresses of curly brown hair. Inserted the prick of my sturdy horse, And then there began a strange intercourse. Faster and faster went my sturdy steed, Until Carolina rejoiced at the speed, When all of a sudden my horse did back-fire, And shot Caroline right into the mire. Up got Carolina all covered in muck. And said, "Oh dear, what a glorious fuck!" Two paces forward and fell flat on the floor, And that was the end of the cowpuncher’s whore. Bagpipe Song Here's to the lassie with the black hairy assey Who was lifting up her kilty at the Illinois (insert sport) game. Chorus: (Bagpipe Sound) Then there was the jockey with his upstanding cocky Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey Who was lifting up her kilty at the Illinois (insert sport) game. Then there was the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey Who was lifting up her kilty at the Illinois (insert sport) game. Then there was the queerie who was leering through his beery At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey Who was lifting up her kilty at Illinois (insert sport) game. Then there was the Harlot making money in the car lot To support the a' queerie who was leering through his beery At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey Who was lifting up her kilty at Illinois (insert sport) game. Then there was the rugger who was posing as a mugger Taking profits from the Harlot making money in the car lot To support the a' queerie who was leering through his beery At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey Who was lifting up her kilty at the Illinois (insert sport) game. Now the moral of this ditty is that when in Champagne-Urbana And you're with your favorite girlie chasing hairs all short and curly Just remember to take her hashing and to give her a good bashing And keep her away from rugger who was posing as mugger Taking profits from the Harlot making money in the car lot To support the a' queerie who was leering through his beery At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey Who was lifting up her kilty at the Illinois (insert sport) game. Ballad Of The Bobbit Hillbillies Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Come and listen to my story of a man named John, A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone. It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife. (Penis that is, clean cut, missed his nuts) Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, And tossed him out the window as she went around a bend. (Curve that is, pricker shrubs, wheel hubs) She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there", To John Wayne's Henry that was waiving in the air. (Found that is, by a fence, evidence) Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long, So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that Dong!", "A needle and a thread is all you're gonna need," And the whole world waited 'till they heard that Johnny peed. (Whizzed that is, even seam, straight stream) Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, With a cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape. Ya all cum back now, hear? I used to work in Chicago I used to work in Chicago at an old department store, I used to work in Chicago, I don't work there anymore A lady came in for some paper Some paper from the store, Paper she wanted, a ream she got I don't work there anymore! I used to work in Chicago at an old department store, I used to work in Chicago, I don't work there anymore Other verses: Carpet she wanted, shag she got Nail she wanted, screw she got Fishing rod she wanted, my pole she got Meat she wanted, sausage she got Beef she wanted, pork she got Helicopter she wanted, my chopper she got Camel she wanted, hump she got Translator she wanted, cunning linguist she got KitKat she wanted, four fingers she got Movie she wanted, my Free Willy she got Mary Ann Barnes Mary Ann Barnes is the queen of all the acrobats; She can do tricks that will give a man the shits. She can shoot green peas from her fundamental orifice, Do a double somersault and catch 'em on her tits. She's a great big fat shit, twice the size of me, Hair on her ass like the branches in a tree. She can swim, fight, shoot, fuck, Climb a tree or form a ruck. She's the kind of girl that's gonna marry me! Woodpecker's Song Tune: Dixie I put my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Take it out. take it out, take it out, REMOVE IT. I removed my finger from a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Put it back. put it back. put it back, REPLACE IT I replaced my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Turn it around, turn it around, turn it around, REVOLVE IT I revolved my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Turn it back, turn it back, turn it back. REVERSE IT I reversed my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, In and out, in and out, in and out, RECIPROCATE I reciprocated my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Speed it up, speed it up, speed it up ACCELERATE IT. I accelerated my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Slow it down, slow it down, slow it down, RETARD IT. I retarded my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Once again, once again, once again, REPEAT IT. I repeated my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Leave it in, leave it in, leave it in, RELAX IT. I relaxed my finger in a woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul. Let it go, let it go, let it go, RELEASE IT. I released my finger in a woodpecker's hole, a And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out, RETRACT IT. I retracted my finger from a woodpecker's hole, a And the woodpecker said, God bless my soul, Take a whiff, take a whiff, take a whiff, REVOLTING. My One Skin Hangs Down to My Two Skin Tune: My Barney Lies Over the Ocean My one skin hangs down to my two skin, My two skin hangs down to my three, My three skin hangs down to my foreskin My foreskin hangs down to my knee. CHORUS: Pull back, pull back, Please pull back my foreskin for me, for me. Pull back, pull back, Please pull back my foreskin for me. (There’s verses to this song, but who needs them, the chorus is good enough) I Put My Hand Tune: When Johnny Comes Marching Home I put my hand upon her toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her toe, She said, “;Hey rugger, you're way too low, Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!” Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her knee, She said, “Hey rugger, you're teasin' me, Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!” Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her thigh, She said, “Hey rugger, you’re way too shy, I put my hand upon her tit, She said, “Hey rugger, you're getting’ it, I put my hand upon her twat She said, “Hey rugger, you've hit the spot, She wrapped her lips around my cock, She said “Mmmm mmm mm mmm mmm” We laid her in a wooden box, She sucked too many a rugger’s cock. We dig her up now and then, We fucked her once, we'll fuck her again, The worms and maggots have eaten her through, That’s one more hole for us to screw Now she's dead but not forgotten, We'll dig her up and fuck her rotten Now these few ruggers are going to hell, We’ll fuck the devil, his wife as well Four and Twenty Virgins Four and twenty virgins came to the ball from Inverness, And when the ball was over there were four and twenty less Chorus: Balls to your partner, ass against the wall, If you can’t get laid on Saturday night, you’ll never get laid at all First lady forward, second lady back, Third lady’s finger in the fourth lady’s crack The Queen was in her chambers eating bread and honey, The King was in the chambermaid and she was in the money There was fucking in the hallway, fucking on the stairs, And you couldn’t see the floor for the mass of pubic hairs Jameson’s mother, she was there, swinging from the chandelier, Spraying her menstrual juices into everybody’s beer Oh, Liam he was there, what do you think about that, Amusing himself by abusing himself and catching it in his hat The village cripple, he was there, wasn’t up to much, His prick had fallen off, so he fucked them with his crutch The village economist he was there, pecker in his hand, Waiting for the time when supply would meet demand Concrete’s mother, she was there, sitting on the floor, And every time she opened her legs the suction would close the door Pookie, he was there, with his favorite toys: A dozen beautiful women and a dozen beautiful boys The village butcher, she was there, sickle in his hand, And every time he turned around he circumcised a man The U’s, they were there, the egocentric elves, The women weren’t good enough so they went and fucked themselves Boo Boo, he was there, what a sight to see, They bent him over a table and the rest was Greek to me O’Neill, he was, but he was fast asleep, Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep Little Luke, he was there, he was only eight, He couldn’t have the women so he had to masturbate Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see, The ladies sat upon his face and shouted “Lie to me” The village blacksmith, he was there, sitting by the fire, Performing abortions by the hour with a piece of red-hot wire The U’s, they were there, they refused to work, So that sat around in circles, and they had a circle-jerk Donkey, he was there, for this he is renowned: His pecker is so very long it drags along the ground James the Brit, he was there, looking kind of grumpy, He had pulled down his pants, and the ladies called him stumpy There was fucking on the couches, fucking on the cots, And lining up against the walls were rows of drooling twats The village magician, he was there, doing his vanishing trick, Pulled his foreskin over his head, and disappeared in his prick The village dwarf he was there, the little randy runt, He’d dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt I’m a pain-in-the-ass, boys, for singing this awful song, But if I’m a pain in the ass, I’m doing you all wrong When the Time of the Month Rolls Around Tune: As the Caissons Go Rolling Along You can tell by the stain that she's in a lot of pain When the end of the month rolls around. You can tell by her stance she's got cotton in her pants When the end of the month rolls around. CHORUS: Singing aye, aye, aye in the Tampax factory, Shout out your orders loud and clear, Large and small, medium too, A pair of socks will fucking do, When the time of the month rolls around. You can tell by her walk that you'll sit around and talk You can tell by the blotch that she's got a leaky crotch You can tell by her eyes there is blood between her thighs You can tell by her pout that her eggs are falling out You can tell by her stance that she's bleeding in her pants. You can tell that it itches by the way she always bitches You can bet it isn’t sweat when her underwear is wet You can tell by the stink that she isn't in the pink You can tell by the frown that you’ll have to go for brown You can tell by the smell that she isn’t very well You can tell by the whining that she’s losing vaginal lining You van tell by her panties that it’s time to use her aunties You can tell by the moaning that she’s losing hemoglobin Yogi Bear Tune: Camptown Races I know a bear that you know well, Yogi, Yogi I know a bear that you know well, Yogi, Yogi Bear. CHORUS: Yogi, Yogi Bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear, I know a bear that you know well, Yogi, Yogi Bear. Yogi has a little friend - Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo Boo-Boo has a girlfriend - Suzi, Suzi Yogi has a girlfriend - Cyndi, Cyndi. Yogi has an enemy - Ranger, Ranger Cyndi has a shaven snatch - Grizzly, Grizzly. Cyndi wears crotchless undies - Teddy, Teddy Cyndi likes it on the ice - Polar, Polar Suzi likes it up the rear - Brown, Brown Yogi knocked our Boo Boo’s teeth - Gummi, Gummi Suzi's snatch it smells like cheese - Camen, Camen, Suzi she has great big tits - More than, More than (I can bear) Yogi didn't use a condom - Daddy, Daddy Boo-Boo likes it upside down - Koala, Koala Suzi does it with a Kennedy - Teddy, Teddy Cindi has a girlfriend - Klondike, Klondike.. Yogi likes to roll his own - Smoky, Smoky If I Were the Marrying Kind If I were a marrying kind I thank the lord I’m not sir The kind of man that I would be Would be a rugby…. Prop, Sir Prop, Sir? Why’s that, Sir? ’Cause I’d support a hooker, You'd support a hooker, We'd all support a hooker together, We'd be all right in the middle of the night, Supporting hookers together. 2nd row - Sniff Ass Scrum half - Put it in Halftime orange - Get sucked Spectator on a rainy day - Come in rubbers Spectator on a sunny day - Come again Illinois spectator – Never come Goal post - Stand erect Grounds keeper - Trim bush Grounds keeper #2 - Do lines Boot - Come in boxes Cleat - Get screwed Ball - Get pumped Whistle - Get blown Duluth Tune: She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain Oh the birds they fly high in Duluth, in Duluth, Oh the birds they fly high in Duluth, Oh the birds they fly high, And they shit right in your eye, Aren’t you glad that the cows don't fly in Duluth. CHORUS: In Duluth, in Duluth, In-mo, in-mo, in-Duluth, (Oh the birds they fly high and they’ll shit right in your eye, Aren’t you glad that cows don’t fly in Duluth) There's a girl by the name of Dinah in Duluth, in Duluth, There's a girl by the name of Dinah in Duluth, There's a girl by the name of Dinah, Who thinks there's nothing finer, Than a prick up her vagina in Duluth. There's a shortage of good whores in Duluth......etc. But there's keyholes in the doors, And there's knotholes in the floors in Duluth If you're ever thrown in jail in Duluth......etc. Well there's no need for bail, 'Cause the sheriff's wife's for sale in Duluth. Oh the ruggers get no tail in Duluth, in Duluth, Oh the ruggers get no tail in Duluth, So for want of recreation, They indulge in masturbation, It's a hell of a situation in Duluth. Oh there's a brand new lighthouse in Duluth......etc. Which the birds use for a shit-house, Now the lighthouse is a white-house in Duluth. There's a Jew by the name of Cohen in Duluth......etc. To the Christian church he's goin', 'Cause his foreskin keeps on growing' in Duluth. There's a man by the name of Hunt in Duluth......etc. Who thought he had a cunt, But his balls were back to front in Duluth. There's a man by the name of West in Duluth......etc. Who thought he had a breast, But is balls were on his chest in Duluth. Oh the parson is perverted in Duluth......etc. And his morals are inverted, There's a thousand he's converted in Duluth. The virgins they are rare in Duluth......etc. When they get their pubic hair, They're deflowered by the Mayor in Duluth. There's a lad named Dirty Danny in Duluth......etc. And he likes a bit of fanny, And he gets it off of granny in Duluth. There's a bastard named Mercator in Duluth......etc. Who's the greatest masturbator, Fornicator, cunt-inflator in Duluth. There's a girl with no ambition, in Duluth......etc. And when she isn't wishin’ She gets it in the kitchen, From the local obstetrician in Duluth. Oh, the chemists are the key men in Duluth......etc. Selling dehydrated semen, To emasculated he-men in Duluth. Oh, I chased the Colonel's daughter in Duluth......etc. And I shagged her when I caught her, Now the daughter's got a daughter in Duluth. Oh the cows they are all dead in Duluth......etc. So they milk the bulls instead, 'Cause the bastard's must be fed in Duluth. S & M man Tune: The Candy Man Who can take his bicycle, Take away the seat, Put his girlfriend on it, Ride her down a bumpy street? CHORUS: It's the S & M man, Oh, the S & M man, The S & M man because he mixes it with love, And makes the hurt feel good. Yes, the hurt feel good. Who can take a hammer, Shove it up her twat, Move it back and forth, ‘Til he finds her G-spot, Who can take a hammer, Wave it overhead, And slam it on his pecker, ‘Til he wishes he were dead? Who can take some sandpaper, Gotta be 50 grit, Rub it back and forth, ‘Til she has a bleeding clit? Who can take a chainsaw, Rev it up on high, Shove it up her ass, Just to hear her scream and sigh? Who can take a razor, And no shaving cream, Scrape her pussy bald, While he listens to her scream? Who can take a mallet, Claim that he's a stud, Smash it on his pecker, ‘Til it starts to ooze blood? Who would use machinery, To masturbate at work, Rip off his left testis, And pretend it didn't hurt? Who can take some fiberglass, Wrap it round his pud, Shove it up her arse, ‘Til she's shitting chunks of blood? Who can take a light bulb, Shove it up her ass, Fuck her up the rear, ‘Til she's shitting chunks of glass? Who can take a bottle, Shove it up her ass, And hit it with a hammer, And line her ass with glass? Who can take a chainsaw, Cut the bitch in two, Fuck the bottom half, And toss the other half to you? Who would take a condom, Put pepper in the ring, Use it on the wife, 'Cause she twitches when it stings? Who can take two ice picks, Stick one in each ear, And ride her like a Harley, While he fucks her up the rear? Who takes jumper cables, Clamps one on each tit, Starts up the car, And electrocutes the bitch? Who gives children candy, Takes them round the block, And rips up their innards, With the ramming of his cock? Who can take a chainsaw, Stick it up her hole, Turn it round and round, And make tuna casserole? Who can take some clothes pegs, Hang his girlfriend by her nipples, Leave the bitch just hanging, ‘Till her tits are nearly tripled? Who can take a Doberman, Let him do a show, Let him fuck your girlfriend, While he takes a video? Who can take a hair curler, Turn it up on high, Stick it in her cunt, And listed to her fry? Who can find some newlyweds, Sneak into their room, Fuck the bride in bed, And sodomize the groom? Who can take a glass rod, Shove it up his prick, Put it on the table, And smash it with a brick? Who can take a Catholic Priest, Bend him over the pew, Fuck him up the ass, 'Till he screams that he’s a Jew? Who can take a puppy, Hold it by the ears, Fuck it in the ass, Until it sheds those puppy tears? Who can take a vice clamp. Clamp it on a tit, Squeeze the sucker down, Till it pops just like a zit? Who can take a transient, Rip out one of his eyes, Skull fuck the bastard, While he listens to his cries? Who can take a cheese grater, Strap it to his arm, Fist fuck the bitch, And make vagina parmesan? Who can take a baby, Lay it on a bed, Turn the fucker over, Fuck the soft spot in its head? Who can take a pregnant woman, Fuck her ‘till she's dead, Leave his dick inside her, ‘Till the fetus gives him head? Who can go to the abortion clinic, Sneak around the back, Root around the dumpster, And find a tasty snack? Who can take a little girl, Before she's on the rag, Fuck her till she's dead, And then toss her in a bag? Eye, Yeye, Yeye, Yeye Eye, Yeye, Yeye, Yeye Eye, Yeye, yeye, yeye, Rodriguez the Mexican pervert, He buggered his mother, And cornholed his brother, So they waltzed him around by his willy. Eye, yeye, yeye, yeye, your mother swims after troop ships CHORUS: So sing me another verse, That's worse than the other verse, And waltz me around by my willy. There once was a girl from Nantique Whose sex life was very erratic She dodged every feller from 3d floor to cellar But slept with them all in the attic. Eye, yeye, yeye, yeye, your sister could suck start a Harley (CHORUS*) There once was a couple from Adair That made love at the top of the stair On the sixty-eighth stroke, the banister broke And they did 69 in the air. There once was a girl from Jayling Who said she had no sexual feeling Until a cynic named Boris touched her clitoris And they're still scraping her off the ceiling. There once was a young man from Brighton Who said to a young lass, “You're a tight one.” She said, “Oh my God you're in the wrong one. There's plenty of room in the right one.” There once was a man named Bruno Who said “Fucking is one thing I do know. A woman is divine, a boy is more fine. But a llama is numero uno” There once was a young lady from Dallas Who used dynamite as a phallus They found her vagina in North Carolina And bits of her tits in Dallas. There once was a woman from Peru Who stuffed up her pussy with glue She said with a grin they'll fight to get in And they'll fight to get out of it too! There once was a villain most feared Who tied a girl to the train tracks and leered But he tied her up wrong ways, not crossways but long ways. And a forty car train disappeared. There once was a man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it So he would say with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it. There once was a man from Nantucket Who took a pig in the bushes to fuck it But as he entered from the rear, the pig squealed NO!, come around here, Enter from the front and I'll suck it. (Actually, you can use any limerick, there's thousands of them.) *REFRAINS : Your brother fills empty cream donuts. Your father eats your brothers cream donuts. Your sister leaves slime trails like snails. Your mother does squat thrusts on fire hydrants. Your mother licks bat shit off cave walls. Your sister douches with Drano. Your sister swims after troop ships, And catches them, And swims back. Your sister's in love with a carrot. Your sister goes down for a quarter . Your sister sucks moose cum off pine cones Your father does eight year old Brownies Your mother uses Frisbees for diaphragms. Your sister gets turned down by ruggers. Your mother eats shit and lives. Your mother's vibrator is made by John Deere. Your mother sucks farts from dead chickens. Your mother uses hamsters for tampons. Your sister rides bikes without seats. Your mother's so dry that the crabs carry canteens. Your sister can suck-start a Harley. Your mother uses used tampax for teabags. Your mother uses an orthopedic douche bag. Your sister eats green spots out of bird shit. If you like this you’re a sick motherfucker. Sweet Violets CHORUS: Sweet violets, sweeter that all the roses, Covered all over from head to toe, Covered all over in SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! My wife, she died on the toilet, She died of a horrible fit. And to satisfy her last wishes, She was buried in six feet of shit. My father was a coal miner, He worked in a deep, dark pit, Sometimes he'd shovel up coal dust, And sometimes he'd shovel up shit. Phyllis kept a sack in the garden, I was curious I must admit, One day I stuck in my finger, And pulled it out covered with shit. I sat in a gold lavatory, In the home of the Baron of Split, The seat was encrusted with rubies, But as usual the bowl contained shit. My brother he worked in a sewer, Some lamps they had to be lit, One evening there was an explosion, And my brother was covered with shit. Phyllis took a bag to her boyfriend's, But the bag was old and it split, Now the boyfriend and Phyllis have parted, For the bag was packed full of shit. I know that these veses are scanty, The rhyme seems too much for my wit, I start out like Shakespeare and Dante, But some how I end up with… Well, now my song it is ended, And I have finished my bit, And if any of you feel offended, Stick your head in a bucket of…. Gang Bang Tune: Billboard March CHORUS: I love a gangbang, Oh yes I do, 'Cause a gangbang gives me such a thrill, When I was younger, and in my prime, I use to gang bang all the time. But now I'm older and turning gray, I only gang bang twice a day. Knock-knock; Who's there? Lena Lena, who? Lean her up against the wall at the gangbang Oliver - All of her clothes were off at the gang bang Peter Meter - My peter'll meet her a the gang bang Ben - Ben-d over and have another gang bang Dolly Parton - Dolly's partin' her thighs at the gang bang Turner - Turn 'er over, let's have another gang bang Yurin - Yurin for sloppy seconds at the gang bang Tiajuana - Tiajuana bring your mother to the gang bang Kissinger - Kissinger great, but fuckin her better at the... Betty - Bet he'll have a sore dick after the... Aspen - I spend too much time at the ... Europa - You rope her to the bed post for the... Virginia - Virgins are welcome at the gang bang... Shelby - She'll be sore after the gang bang... Dairy - Dare we invite_____to the gang bang?.... Mountain grown - Mount and groan, mount and groan at... Extinct - It stinked like fish at the gang bang... Ilene - I leaned her over the couch at the... Sharon - Share and share alike at the gang bang... Bender - Bend her over the counter at the.. Mason Dixon - My son's dick's in the girl at... Shirley - Surely you got laid at the gang bang.... Eisenhower - I's an hour late for the gang bang if I... Gladiator - Glad he ate her out before the gang bang... Satellite - Sat a lot on her face at the... Charlie Pryde - Charlie pried her legs apart at the.. Glorious, Victorious (AKA: Beer, Beer, Beer) Beer, beer, beer, beer Beer, beer, beer, beer Drunk last night Drunk the night before Gonna get drunk tonight Like I've never been drunk before Cause when I'm drunk I'm as happy as can be Cause we're all part of a rugby family CHORUS: Singing Glorious, Victorious! One keg of beer for the four of us. Singing Glory be to God that there are no more of us, Cause one of us could drink it all alone Damn near, pass the beer, to the rear, Verses: Tune: She'll be Coming Around the Mountain There are no serious ruggers at the Clybourne There are no serious ruggers at the Clybourne 'cause they're all a bunch of queers Who get drunk on half a beer There are no serious ruggers at the Clybourne There are no serious ruggers at Carbondale There are no serious ruggers at Carbondale Because Blanch DuBois fucked them over And they’re bending over There are no serious ruggers at Carbondale There are no serious ruggers in New York There are no serious ruggers in New York 'Cause they talk like Donald Duck And they don't know how to fuck There are no serious ruggers in New York Oh there are no female ruggers in the Rockies Oh there are no female ruggers in the Rockies Cause when they're running through the trees Their tits hang down to their knees Oh there are no Female ruggers in the Rockies There are no serious ruggers in the Navy There are no serious ruggers in the Navy Because they're all on little boats Making love to sheep and goats There are no serious ruggers in the Navy Oh there are no honest ruggers in D.C. Oh there are no honest ruggers in D.C. Cause they're taking all our money While they're fucking our sweet honies Oh there are no honest ruggers in D.C. There are no serious ruggers in Kentucky There are no serious ruggers in Kentucky 'Cause they're all a bunch of Hicks Who are playing with their pricks There are no serious ruggers in Kentucky There are no serious ruggers in Calgary There are no serious ruggers in Calgary 'cause they'll wade through waist deep snow Just to give a cow a blow There are no serious ruggers in Calgary There are no serious ruggers from the South There are no serious ruggers from the South With their necks of crimson red And their cousins they will wed It's a sure sign that they’re all inbred Sexual Life of the Camel The sexual life of the camel, is stranger than anyone thinks, At the height of the mating season, it tries to bugger the Sphinx. But the Sphinx's posterior orifice, is blocked by the sands of the Nile, Which accounts for the hump on the camel, and Sphinx's inscrutable smile. CHORUS: Singing: rum-titty-titty, rum-titty-titty, titty-rum. Singing: rum-titty-titty, rum-titty-titty, aye. Singing: rum-titty-titty, rum-titty-titty, titty-rum. Singing: rum-titty-titty, rum-titty-titty, aye. The sexual life of the ostrich, is hard to understand, At the height of the mating season, it buries its head in the sand. And if another ostrich finds it, standing there with its ass in the air, Does it have the urge to grind, or doesn't it bloody well care? The sexual life of the oyster, is cold and clammy and cool Deep in his pearly cloister, he fingers his tiny tool But so great is the inclination, in the oyster’s mad social world That his virile ejaculation, sets solid as mother of pearl Oh the sexual life of the bullfrog shows a surprising trend At the mating season, he licks the ass of a friend But the friend’s back passage is narrow, and blocked up with mud and green slime Which accounts for the lick of the bullfrog, and why he goes “blah” all the time It was Christmas Eve in the harem, the eunuchs all standing there, A hundred dusky maidens, combing their pubic hair. When along came Father Christmas, striding down the marble halls, When he asked what they wanted for Christmas, the eunuchs all answered, “Balls!” Bestiality's Best Tune: Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys Bestiality's best, boys, Bestiality's best - FUCK A WALLABY! Bestiality's best, boys, Bestiality's best. Oh, put your log up a dog, Claude, Put your log up a dog Stick your lug in a slug, Doug, Get turned on by a duck, Chuck, Tickle the clit of a gnat, Matt, Any which way with a jay Be a queer with a deer Cunnilingo with a dingo Down the throat of a goat Drip your juice on a moose Drop some goo in a shrew Ejaculate in a snake Get a suck from a duck Get in deep with a sheep Get it out for a trout Get your release in a fleece Give a lickin' to a chicken Give some cock to a croc Give your milk to an elk Go and defile a crocodile Have a deer from the rear Have a frig with a pig Have a fuck with a duck Have a goose with a moose Have a rape with an ape Have a screw with a shrew Have a shag with a stag Have a shaggin' with a dragon Have intercourse with a horse In a bag with a stag In the esophagus of an octopus In the sack with yak Make a moose real loose Make it limp in a chimp Make it twirl in a squirrel Make love with a dove Make some porn with a unicorn Move your tool in a mule Part the hare of a mare Put your load in a toad Put your noodle to a poodle Put your spear in a deer Put your sperm in a worm Shoot your spunk into a skunk Shove your willy up a filly Sixty-nine with a swine Skull fuck a duck Stick you rod up a cod Stick your log in a frog Stick your needle in a beetle Up the ass of a bass Up the back of a yak Up the box of a fox Up the hole of a mole Incest is Best Tune: Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys CHORUS: Incest is best boys, Incest is best - Fuck a relative! Incest is best boys, Incest is best, Give a piece to your niece boys Give a piece to your niece Give a piece to your niece boys Give a piece to your niece, because Put your knob in Uncle Bob boys... Shower your sis with some piss boys... My significant other's my mother boys Shoot some goo on Aunt Sue boys... Do the bum of your Mum boys... Give a kiss to your sis boys... Make lovin' to your cousin boys... Put your sis in bliss boys... Hide the salami with your mommy boys... Necroplilia’s Best Tune: Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys Chorus: Necrophilia's best, boys, Necrophilia's best--FUCK A CADAVER! Necrophilia's best, boys, Necrophilia's best, 'cause . . . Give head to the dead, girls Give head to the dead--NECROPHILIA! Give head to the dead, girls, Give head to the dead, 'cause . . . Other verses: Do it lots 'fore she rots, boys Fuck her defunct cunt, boys Do your boffin' in a coffin, mates Sink your cable in Betty Grable, boys Go to bed with the dead, Fred Stroke her hips in a crypt, boys Jack off on old Jackie, boys Shoo the flies off her thighs, guys Shoot some creum in a mausoleum, boys Pinch your nipples hard in the graveyard, No Balls at All Come you old drunkards give ear to my tale. This short little story will make you turn pale. It's about a young lady, so pretty and small, Who married a man who had no balls at all. Chorus Balls, balls, no balls at all She married a man, who had no balls at all. How well she remembered, the night they were wed. She rolled back the sheet and crept into bed. She felt for his penis, how strange it was small. She fondled his sac, he had no balls at all. "Mommy, oh Mommy, oh pity my luck. I've married a man who's unable to fuck. His tool bag is empty, his screwdriver's small. The impotent wretch, has got no balls at all." "Daughter, my Daughter, now don't be a sap. I had the same trouble with your dear old Pap. There's many a man who'll come to the call. Of the wife of the man who has no balls at all. The pretty young girl took her mother's advice. And found the whole thing exceedingly nice. An eleven pound baby was born in the fall. But the poor little bastard had no balls at all. Doggies' Meeting The doggies held a meeting, They came from near and far, Some came by motorcycle, And some by motorcar. As each doggie passed the entrance, Each doggie signed the book, Each doggie hung his asshole, Upon his very own hook. And when they were assembled, Each mother, son and sire, A dirty little mongrel, Got up and shouted "FIRE!" The dogs they were in panic, They had no time to look, Each doggie grabbed an asshole, From the nearest hook. A dog is often listless, For it is very sore, To wear another dog's asshole, He's never worn before. And that's the only reason, A dog will leave his bone, To sniff another dog's asshole, To see if it's his own. |
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