CHAPTER EIGHT

HOW CAN I HANDLE TEMPTATION?

Here's a practical question. What should a single guy do when he is innocently walking down the street and all of the sudden a sexy woman, "dressed to kill," rounds the corner and walks straight towards him?

COMMON RESPONSES

Most single men who want to avoid lustful thoughts will try one of several options commonly used by singles: First, a single man can try to avoid looking at her. He can close his eyes and try to pretend he did not see her. One group of religious leaders in the time of Jesus believed that the only way to deal with sexual temptation was to close their eyes whenever they saw a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, some of them tried to keep walking, even with their eyes closed, and they would invariably run into buildings, walls, and other people, hurting themselves in the process. Thus they were called "the Blind and Bleeding Pharisees." Obviously, that was not a healthy way to deal with sexual temptation. In fact, it was not even helpful. As anyone who has seen something and then tries to turn away knows, it is almost impossible to get the image out of one's head.

Another common response for the man is anger and self-incrimination. A Christian man who has been taught that all such thoughts and desires are evil will become angry with himself for noticing her body and being sexually attracted. Some sincere singles will even begin to punish themselves for being attracted. When confronted with a sexual temptation, one man was so disappointed with himself that he would instantly launch into a stream of verbal self-abuse. "You're such a scum, Chuck. There you go again. Why can't you control yourself? Others think you are a spiritual leader, but you can't even guard your own thoughts. What a fake. What an impostor..." He began to beat himself up with negative self-talk. After a bit of this type of self-mortification, he would feel a little better. This was because his abuse was a form of self-inflicted punishment. He felt that if he punished himself, then God wouldn't have to punish him later.

There are other options available, and women use them too. One devoted Christian woman whenever tempted to lust after an attractive man would feel condemned by God. She would say to herself, There you go again, Sheila. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. You must be really disappointed in me. I must be a failure in your eyes. Please forgive me. In spite of her many appeals for forgiveness, she had a hard time feeling forgiven. This was because she would be tempted again and again, and she believed that anyone who committed the same sin over and over was not truly repentant.

TEMPTATION IS NOT SIN


In all three instances, the common mistake was to assume that if a person is tempted sexually, he or she has given in to sin. But to be in a tempting situation does not mean that sin has occurred. There is a difference between temptation and acting on that temptation. Again, James 1: 13-15 is very helpful:

"When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me."' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

The difference between a tempting situation and a sinful situation is described by James as a process. First, there is the specific situation, and then there is the enticement to act on the temptation it presents, acting either mentally or physically. Finally, the temptation is acted out, and sin appears (is given "birth"). But notice carefully, there seems to be some type of moral space between enticement and the conception of sin. In other words, there is a difference between feeling enticed and allowing that enticement to give birth to a sinful act or thought.

Jesus describes a similar process in Matthew 5:27-28: "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." In His subtle wisdom, Jesus does not say that to look upon a woman is to commit adultery; what is wrong is to look lustfully upon someone. There again seems to be a type of moral space between the innocent look and the lustful thought. The look, in and of itself, is not wrong. There is nothing inherently evil about seeing another person. It is what we do with this image that can give birth to sin. It must be possible, then, to look without lusting.

This applies directly to singles and situations of sexual temptation. To use our example again, when that single guy walks down the street and sees a sexually attractive woman, he is confronted with a temptation. He then has two additional choices: he can indulge that temptation or have victory over it. But a temptation is not the same thing as sin. If he indulges the temptation and allows it to fester in his mind by playing out a lustful scenario, then he has sinned. But if he refuses to engage the temptation, he can actually use that situation as a motivation to develop better relationships.

ONE SOLUTION: RELATIONAL PRAYER

How can he use a potentially damaging situation to develop godly relationships? My suggestion is this: Use the attraction as a reminder that God has created you to be a relational person, and make it just one more opportunity to commit yourself to developing personal wholeness and whole relationships.

When this happens to me, rather than staring at the woman (or

billboard, or TV commercial, or whatever), I glance off to the heavens and offer up a prayer like this: I thank you, God, for this reminder that you created me to be a relational person. I recommit myself here and now to developing whole, godly relationships that reflect Your image. Because of that, I will not engage my mind with this picture. Instead, dear Lord, I pray for those other, quality relationships that I am now working on. First I pray for my friendship with (blank)---"

Speaking as a man who was single until thirty years of age, I can personally testify as to the helpfulness of this approach. I was able to confront tempting situations and not be overwhelmed or drawn into undesirable thoughts. I would pray for my closest friends, for each of my family, for church friends, for new friends, for co-workers, and for non-Christian friends. And, of course, I would especially pray for the woman I was romantically interested in or involved with.

In addition, this approach greatly improved my prayer life. By using the tempting situations as calls to prayer, I would find myself drawn into prayer several times a day.

By the time I went through this mental prayer list, several things occurred. First, I felt a deeper love and positive regard for my friends. I found that even though my friends were not physically present, I was nonetheless able to work on our relationships. I could pray for them and God's blessing on their lives, and I concentrated on thanking God for the blessing of their friendships.

Second, I was able to do something positive for them--pray for their specific needs. Then the next time I was with my friends, I was honestly able to say, "I've been praying for you," or, "It's so good to see you. I've been thinking about you a lot and praying for you." I'll bet they thought I was some prayer warrior, spending hours a day on my knees in prayer. No, I was just a young man with normal hormones who lived in a sexually tempting culture. But each time I was tempted, I used that as a call to pray, and I prayed a lot!

Third, I was able to deal with my own weak spots. Whenever I pray for friends, there are always a few with whom I am feeling tension at present. Maybe I'm mad at a friend for an unkind thing she said. Maybe a friend is mad at me for a thoughtless gesture of my own. Maybe the friendship is experiencing growth pains as the two of us are drifting apart. Maybe I'm jealous of the attention my friend is receiving from others. There really are a hundred things that can cause irritations between friends. I try to pray about those irritants and allow God to prune me into the friend He wants me to be.

Finally, when I answer this unique call to prayer, I am strengthened in my own resolve to be a godly man of integrity and purity. This not only means that I do not want to allow a tempting situation to entice me into sin but also that I will not degrade others by using them as objects for my selfish desire.


A CALL TO PRAYER

Whether we are facing major temptations and crises or are simply proceeding through the pressures of the day, prayer empowers us. This concept of a call to prayer is not unusual. In a monastery or convent, the church bells will ring several times a day, calling the monks or nuns to gather for times of prayer. In the religion of Islam, devotees are called to prayer five times a day. At each appointed hour, Muslims are to face Mecca, kneel, and pray. In the time of Jesus, the Jewish leaders had developed a regular call to prayer. Jesus refers to this in Matthew 6:6-15 when He says, "And when you pray..." He then takes their normal customs of prayer and corrects their abuses, but what He does not do is suggest that they abandon their calls to prayer. He assumes the opposite--that they will continue to pray regularly. Peter and John, two of the apostles, continued to follow this Jewish call to prayer, as is seen in Acts 3: 1: "One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer at three in the afternoon."

In the Old Testament, court officials encouraged King Darius of Persia to issue a royal decree prohibiting normal prayer. They suggested to the king, "Anyone who prays to any god or man during the next thirty days, except to you, O king, shall be thrown into the lions' den" (Daniel 6:7). The officials knew that Daniel prayed to God three times a day, and they were jealous of him and his favor with the king.

The Scriptures record Daniel's brave response: "Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to God, just as he had done before" (Daniel 6:10). In spite of the king's edict, Daniel did not abandon his regular call to prayer.

To be sure, specific hours for prayer and tolling bells seem to be natural and appropriate calls to prayer. They even sound religious. But this idea of a sexually tempting situation as a call to prayer--well, that's quite different, I admit. However, I have found that God is not limited to the religious or sacred situations. He uses very normal people, things, and events to carry out His will. And the same is true with prayer. He uses common things to call us to prayer, if we will only be discerning enough to hear His voice. In fact, everything we see, hear, or do can be a call to prayer. If we see a person in need, read about a family tragedy in the newspaper, watch a news clip about an important diplomatic meeting--all of these things and more can be calls to prayer. In this way, we can easily live out what Paul suggested, "Pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5:17).


This concept is easy to misunderstand, so allow me to clarify what I don't mean by suggesting that temptation is a call to prayer. I'm not saying that the solution to temptation is the trite "Just pray about it." This would be no different than the earlier example of the man who avoided his sexuality by studying the Bible more. Neither am I suggesting that prayer will keep a person from sinning. Prayer is not a miracle cure. As we all know, it is possible to sin while praying (have you ever had an evil thought that kept creeping back into your mind during prayer?), and it is possible to pray while sinning. (Have you ever asked for forgiveness during the very moment of sin? Have you ever prayed, "Oh, God, I know I shouldn't be doing this. Please forgive me.") A call to prayer is not a simplistic solution, it is not a guarantee, and it must not be used as a magic formula to insulate ourselves against temptation. Instead, it is an effort to include God in the very details of life that seem most ungodly. This may seem simple, but it is not simplistic. The Christian life should not be compartmentalized. We humans are especially adept at dividing up our lives into different parts and then revealing those parts only when they seem appropriate. Children are especially good at this and are able to segment their language, mannerisms, and attitudes. For instance, children often have one vocabulary around mom and dad and a completely different one with their peers. Their parents are separated from a part of their children's experiences and personality. Some parents even like this--they claim to not want to know what goes on at school.

But God does not want to be allowed into only certain areas of our lives. He desires to be included in everything, not just those certain thoughts and actions that are clean and pure. The Bible says that God never leaves us or forsakes us" (Hebrews 13:5), and that as our shepherd, the Lord walks with us even through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:4). This is one of God's most amazing attributes--His willingness to descend with us even to the depths of our depravity. The psalmist wrote, "If I make my bed in hell... even there your right hand will hold me" (Psalm 139:8, 10). About this verse Smedes commented, "If you fall into hell, you may land in the hand of God."

A call to prayer during temptation is God's call to us to not exclude Him, to not shut the door in His face. He wants us to include Him at all times. That's why the summons to prayer originates from God, not within ourselves. Yes, I believe God uses temptation to call us to prayer. But by prayer I mean more than just the motions and verbiage. He is doing something much more intimate and loving: He is sharing His desire for communication and relational interaction. In other words, He is reminding us to be in relationship with Him.


When I come home in the evening, my daughter usually runs to the door, jumps into my arms, and begins to tell me about her day. I just love it when she does that. But some days she is preoccupied or troubled, and the troubles seem to cause her to forget that I want to be involved with her. So if she doesn't come running, I go looking for her. I run after her and get involved in whatever she is doing, because I want to be a part of her life. I find her, kiss her, and ask what she's doing. Then she begins to tell me about her project, problem, or whatever. And I love that just as much. I don't care what we talk about, as long as we talk. I just want to communicate and relate with her.

Of course, we don't call our father/daughter discussions prayer. It's just talk. But since prayer is simply talk between a person and God, the analogy fits well. God welcomes our conversations with Him. And He cares as much about our interacting with Him as the content of the prayer. He is interested in our lives, ready to help during the tough times. And when we fail to go to God in prayer, He too will seek us out and call us into conversation. When Paul suggested to the Philippians "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything" (Philippians 4:6 TLB*), he wasn't merely suggesting, "Just pray about it." He was calling them to something much deeper, an open and ongoing relationship with God. In essence, he was saying that they should include God in every facet of their lives. That's how we can pray without ceasing.

During such moments of fellowship and conversation with God, He will aid us by leading us to other resources to help us in our battles--the strength of His Word, accountability of fellowship, and the value of self-discipline. All of these will become valuable weapons in the fight against temptation and will help us to respond to temptation by resisting it, fleeing it, and denying it any power over our lives. This idea of sensing God's call to prayer during a sexually tempting occasion helped me transform a potentially destructive situation into a positive experience. This is what James meant when he instructed Christians, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything" (James 1:2-4).

J. B. Phillips captured the essence of turning every temptation to good in this translation of the above verses:

When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don't resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become men of mature character with the right sort of independence.


As a single adult, I slowly learned how to welcome instances of temptation--even sexual temptation--as friends rather than enemies. They were like spiritual advisers that reminded me to stay in relationship with God, to keep developing wholeness and intimacy with Him and others. And now that I am married, this still continues to work very well. After all, the tempting situations do not cease after the proverbial knot is tied. I still use such situations as a call to prayer, but now the prayer has changed slightly:

Thank you, dear God, for loving and blessing me so much! And thank you for this reminder that you want me to be a relational man, working hard to develop the kind of marriage, family, and friendships that reflect your glory. I first of all thank you for my wonderful wife, Amy.

GOD'S REMINDERS

It may sound strange, but any tempting situation can become an enriching moment if we recognize within it a hidden call to prayer. In this way, sexual power will be used for godly ends, and its strength can be channeled into developing quality Christian relationships. The urges that draw us toward others will not be denied or avoided but will be taken as signals from God. They are God's reminders to us that we are not to give up on relationships with others, even though the pain of past relationships has made us gun-shy. God will not allow us to remove ourselves from relationships and become hermetic outcasts. He will not passively watch us diminish the glory of His image in us. Love is too important; intimacy is too central to who and what we are.

Our sexuality is God's reminder to us that we are to work toward developing friendships. At each stirring of sexuality within us, He is gently telling us again that we were created to be relational people. Seen from this perspective, our sexual urges become positive reminders, and the energy can be used to advance toward healthy and Christian goals. The impulses become opportunities for obedience rather than temptations toward sin.

THE DEEPEST REASON

Though our sexuality is how God ensures we will be involved in relationships, this is not the main reason God has made sexuality an integral part of our being. After all, even our earthly friendships and loves are only preludes to the most delightful music to come. What is this music? John gives us the answer: "We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete" (1 John 1:3-4).


Here is the ultimate purpose of human relationships, the deepest reason that God leaves our sex switches on: human love is a laboratory in which we develop our ability to relate with and love God in a complete, full way. Rather than just creating humans and plopping us into heavenly bliss, God in His wisdom chose to let us grow to value and appreciate intimacy first here on earth. As Paul described in the beautiful love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13, we are only able to love imperfectly as humans. He writes, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known" (1 Corinthians 13:12). Love between humans is imperfect, imprecise, impeded.

Such obstacles to perfect love we cannot remove. They are barriers that cannot be surmounted or broken through. This does not mean that earthly love is valueless, though. It is of immense value and worth, both in its own right and as a kind of tutor. In Greek days, a tutor was called a pedagogos, from paidos, "a young boy," and agogos, "to lead." Thus a pedagogos was a leader or teacher of young children. Even today, a schoolteacher sometimes takes special effort to tutor the little informed. Earthly love, then, is an instructor for us, a tutor in the ways of relationship and intimacy. We learn what true love is and is not. We discover the value of deep, enduring intimacy, and we grow in our own ability to experience and appreciate love.

We are like little children who are created with an ear to enjoy the best of philharmonic music. But our wise teacher knows that if we attend the best symphony without any instruction or experience, we probably will neither appreciate nor enjoy the music fully. So before we are ever allowed to go to a symphony, the teacher first takes us to a practice room, pulls out instruments, and begins to teach us how to make music ourselves. Of course, the instruments are old and worn, and even at our best the music is marginal. At first, it is fun to learn how to play the different instruments; it's sort of a game. But soon we realize that making beautiful music is no game--it's serious business and requires effort and concentration.

More than that, we soon discover that playing well is the result of countless hours of practice and sacrifice. Several children decide that music isn't worth the effort, and they abandon the music room for the monkey bars and swings. But a few of us remain in the room. Why do we remain? Because we have begun to discover the wonder and joy of music.

Finally, the big day of the field trip to the symphony arrives. We all board the bus, even the ones who chose to play on the bars and swings.


Of course, those of us who chose to leave our instruments for the bars and swings find the concert kind of boring. We fidget and shift in our seats a lot. The reason? We have not learned how to love music. But for those of us who kept practicing, the concert exceeds even our grandest expectations. The conductor is masterful, the musicians incredible, the instruments beautiful, and the auditorium magnificent. But best of all is the music--what wonderful, grand music! In our wildest dreams we never imagined music sounding so sweet. That's what heaven will be like for those who are willing to learn the lessons of love here on earth. The joys will be deeper, the music sweeter, and--most important--the intimacy with God more valued and appreciated. In addition, the reunion with our friends and loved ones- and, I believe, the new friendships we will make there--will be richer and more fulfilling. What began here on earth in relationships with others and with God will find its ultimate completion in what the Bible calls the New Jerusalem. Heaven is not a place of boredom, filled only with harps and clouds. And it is not a carnival or theme park, catering to every whim, passion, and excitement. Heaven is a place in which the intimacy we were created to reflect will find its true fulfillment. There the essence of God within us will shine in glory. Heaven, to put it in a nutshell, will be "Friendshipland."

Such a place is hard for us to even imagine, since here on earth friendships are fragile and problematic. But finally, our innate desire to love and be loved will be completely satisfied both by intimacy with God and with other lovers of God. This is what the Bible tries to convey in its language about eternal life with God. The Revelations grand description of heaven has much to say about the quality of our relationships there:

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son." (Rev. 21:1-7)

IS CELIBACY ENOUGH?

If our sexuality is God's training ground here for the richness of interpersonal relationships in heaven, that need not imply it is of no earthly good. Earthly sexuality can be a great thing in and of itself--if it is approached from the perspective of value. But the heavenly realities also point to another benefit. By locating sexuality in the context of spiritual matters, we are reminded that sex is important to God. Even more, it is essential to understand that true sexual and interpersonal fulfillment will only develop in the context of a healthy relationship with God.


Thus the deeper reason for our sexuality also sheds light on the way singles can begin to recover a sense of purity and self-worth in this life. In the daily experience of God's love and forgiveness we learn how to love and forgive ourselves.

A SINGLE SPEAKS

I was one who in my early twenties thought that I was "technically" a virgin, not realizing that sex was a lot more than intercourse. I wish someone had told me then. I was briefly involved in intercourse with a boyfriend--the only one I was ever involved with. I decided I no longer wanted to be sexually active, stopped, and eventually we broke up; he married.

I have been celibate for about thirteen years now, but I didn't feel pure and white as snow. Why not? Surely I have confessed this enough and know intellectually what God can do and that He can make me pure. But I realized that there was no man in my life to make me feel valuable and cherished, so in my heart of hearts I didn't feel that. I still felt second class, like a reject. I also realize that men (the human beings that they are) are imperfect and not going to love us women as we need and desire or that my needs might be so great that no human being could ever meet them--only one relationship can, the relationship with Jesus.

I realized that in order to feel pure again, I needed to sense the value and cherishing that Jesus feels toward me. I need to sense His deep love for me. I can only do that by "diving deep" into a relationship with Him--getting deep in prayer and in His Word, reading about His love for me and allowing myself to sense that love. I see no other way to feel pure again; just being celibate didn't do it for me. It's probably been seven years since I've even kissed a man, though I have dated.

This single woman has grasped fully the concepts of fulfillment and value. She understands that celibacy is only one part of the journey towards personal wholeness, self-worth, and a recovered purity. Another necessary ingredient is a deeply personal experience of God's presence, love, and forgiveness.

CHAPTER NINE

THANKS FOR VISITING! GOD BLESS YOU!

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