CHAPTER ELEVEN

HOW FULL IS YOUR MORAL BANK ACCOUNT?

The singles' sex triangle is a life with problems and pitfalls. Rather than helping singles develop patience, it makes them impatient. Rather than teaching self-control, it encourages self-indulgence. And rather than helping singles grow spiritually, it tends to create intense spiritual dissonance. It creates more problems than it solves. It asks more questions than it answers. But most tragically, it leaves singles and couples feeling bankrupt rather than valuable.

As I struggled to deal with the problems inherent in the singles' sex triangle, I came to think that one ingredient is missing from the model. Not surprisingly, it is the same thing that is also missing from our contemporary culture's view of single celibacy--value. The down-fall of the singles' sex triangle is that it doesn't help couples build a moral sense of self-worth and value. Instead, the sex triangle ignores the central theme of our value as singles: celibacy is a way of protecting and asserting value.

A NEW GUIDE TO SINGLE SEXUALITY

So I made a simple change to the singles' sex triangle and came up with a much better model, which can guide singles in their sexual behavior. I call it the Singles' Value Triangle. This triangle adds value to one side.

This new triangle replaces the side representing levels of physical intimacy with levels of value. Levels of value means the mutual sense of value and esteem that each person in the relationship feels. As a couple begin to date and their level of commitment slowly rises, my suggestion is that this should be matched by a corresponding rise in their mutual feelings of physical and personal self-worth.

In chapters 9 and 10 we have seen how the singles' sex triangle does not protect mutual value for the couple. In chapter 11 we now consider how the singles' value triangle can guard our sexual value.

The value triangle reminds us that our sexuality is like an expensive and fragile gift. God has wrapped and boxed our sexuality carefully, and we must unwrap this gift just as carefully to fully appreciate its value and inner beauty. As we consider this new model of sexual ethics for single adults, we will learn to unwrap this gift carefully.

THE VALUE TRIANGLE AND FINANCES

Looking at the singles' sex triangle, it is easy to understand what is meant by the two sides; but in the singles' value triangle, the value side is admittedly more difficult to grasp. Can self-worth or a sense of mutual value be quantified or measured? And how can such a triangle guide sexual conduct? Though these questions seem tough at first, they actually are not all that difficult for singles, because most singles already live out a value triangle in the area of finances. In fact, the way that couples relate financially can also be illustrated with our value triangle diagram. The singles' finance triangle looks like this: (picture)

The singles' finance triangle suggests that the higher the level of mutual commitment, the more a couple should save their funds in order to begin their marriage upon a solid financial foundation. This transforms their relationship. As they increasingly value the other person, this affects one area most singles value highly, their finances. As a result, how they treat their budgets and spending will change. Though couples may spend lavishly in the early dating period, they usually cut back on the extravagances and begin to save, as they begin to talk about marriage. It is the rare couple that does not realize the importance of building a solid financial foundation before marriage.

Sometimes this transformation can be shocking to family and friends. For me, this has never been truer than when it happened in my own family. My older brother was a sort of wild guy who loved three things in life--hunting, fast cars, and riding his Harley-Davidson motorcycle. Randy called me one evening with the great news that he was getting married soon and asked if I would be his best man. I was honored and said yes, but I also expressed some skepticism. I hadn't even known that he was dating anyone. So I said, "Sure, Randy. I'd love to be your best man. Let me take you out to dinner, and we can talk about it." My plan was to get him by himself and try to talk some sense into him--to at least get him to postpone the date a bit. I thought that if we could spend some time alone together, I could get him to admit that he was rushing into this thing and wasn't really ready to marry.

So we went out to dinner and had a great time. I took him to his favorite restaurant, which served his favorite dinner- barbequed beef ribs. I can still remember trying to talk between bites of ribs, hands messy from the sauce and teeth straining to pull the meat from the bones. Between bites and wipes and trips to the salad bar, he told me all about his fianc‚e, how he had met her, and about their decision to marry. He also was frank about the rough spots in their romance and about how they still had plenty of areas to grow in. Then he noted that neither of them had much money, so they were trying to save as much as possible.

I thought the time had come for my big push. I said, "Randy, it sounds to me like you two have something really great going but aren't quite ready to get married. Why don't you just give yourself a few more months before the wedding?"

He was visibly hurt by my suggestion and said in an angry voice, "Forget it. She's the right woman for me, and this is the right time. We are ready!"

"Prove it to me," I said. "Just give me one solid piece of proof that will show me that you are really ready, and then I will believe you and totally support you. Think about it for a minute, and then give me Your best answer."

He even stopped eating the ribs to give my question some serious thought. Finally, his eyes lit up with an answer that he knew would satisfy me. "Rick," he said, "I sold my Harley."

"You what?" I said, shocked beyond belief.
"Yeah-I sold my Harley a week ago. I'm using the money to pay off some bills. So you still think I'm not ready?"
"No, Randy You've convinced me. And I'm behind you 100 percent!"

My brother's decision to sell his most valued possession showed the depth of his love and commitment for his fianc‚e. He loved her enough to sacrifice for her, and, as the commitments became greater, so too became his willingness to sacrifice. He was making his way up the singles' finance triangle very nicely.

Finances are just one parameter of the value side of the triangle. Our money and possessions, after all, are among those things important to us, those things we value. What happened to Randy and his fianc‚e happens to almost every couple that decides to move up the scale of commitments. They realize that in order to support their commitments, they will have to get their financial houses in order and sacrifice in order to save the necessary money.

I know one man who decided to stop eating out every day for lunch and began brown-bagging it. Another man sold his toys--his boat and jet skis--to reduce his monthly debt load. One woman joined a car pool rather than make the hour commute alone, while another gave up her private apartment and rented a room in order to save a bit more each month. A man who was marrying a woman with two young children sold his pride and joy--an expensive sports car--and bought a used van.

There are no hard and fast rules on this triangle, but each person is required to be responsible. Each has to realize that any purchase he/she makes now will make their financial future more difficult. If one of them asked a financial counselor, "Well, how much can I spend? Can I buy a $100 coat or a $200 CD player?" the best answer is not to set an arbitrary limit. Instead the couple should redirect their focus from how much they can spend to how much they can save.

This simple economic triangle is parallel to the singles' value triangle, and the comparison can provide guidance. Just as committed couples sacrifice and save financially in order to give their new marriage a solid financial foundation, committed couples also sacrifice and save themselves sexually in order to build together a solid moral foundation for their future. As a couple sacrifices and saves themselves sexually, they slowly build considerable value in their moral bank account. On the other hand, if they spend all they have sexually, they will be bankrupt morally and have nothing to found their future upon.

Clearly, the levels of value on the singles' value triangle can be measured in terms of physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is neither the sole nor primary element to valuing the other person. We will consider specific physical parameters shortly. For now, let's consider some guideline questions to help us determine how our actions can communicate value to the other person: "Do the things I say to him communicate that I think he is a valuable person?" "Do the places I take her communicate that I value her?"

Careful attention to these questions can guide singles in concrete ways. For instance, if a woman is concerned that her male friend feel valued by her, she will avoid sarcastic humor, no matter how funny it may seem at the moment. In the same way, a man will avoid all cutting remarks, since such comments make a person feel cheap rather than valuable. Neither Joan Rivers nor Don Rickles are good role models for the couple that wants to advance up the singles' value triangle. In this simple manner, a couple can actually find specific guidance from the singles' value triangle: anything that makes another person feel devalued is not allowed; anything that builds up the other person is encouraged.

How does this all apply to sex? The guiding paradigm throughout this book has been that sex is intended for value and that positive celibacy is God's method of helping singles to protect and assert their own self-worth. How we allow our own bodies to be treated either builds up or tears down our own feelings of self-worth, and how we treat other people either contributes to or subtracts from their sense of personal value. The question that singles can focus upon is not, "What can't we do together sexually?" but instead is, "How much value do we want to base our relationship upon?" And since we have learned that celibacy is a way of asserting and protecting value, it follows that the best way to build a foundation of mutual value is for a couple to practice positive celibacy.

THE SINGLES' SEX TRIANGLE REVISITED

How will this affect the sexual area of a relationship? Its implications are best seen in contrast with the singles' sex triangle that taught that a couple's physical relationship was to progress in a way that is equal to their commitment level. In other words, if they have no commitment, they should not be physically involved. But as soon as they start dating, they can start kissing. When they start seriously dating, they can move up to serious kissing, and when they start exclusively dating, they may have longer kisses. When they finally become engaged, they can start mega-kissing. (Though it may sound odd to classify kisses, it is an old tradition. Even the Romans divided kisses into three levels and had a word for each: oscula were friendly kisses, basis were kisses of love, and suavia, kisses of passion.) Such a triangle would look like this: (picture)

A BETTER MODEL: THE SINGLES'VALUE TRIANGLE

But the singles' value triangle is a wholly different model, because as the levels of commitment and value rise, the physical intimacy should actually taper off. The further a couple grows in their commitment, the more they should be saving up in the terms of physical, emotional, and spiritual value. The greater their sense of commitment, the more they will feel a mutual sense of value. What would that mean in terms of physical involvement? Let's consider a couple who start holding hands and then kiss after a date or two.

As the couple become exclusive, they may begin long-kissing or even mega-kissing. But as they sense a need to develop a deeper sense of mutual respect and value in their relationship, they may decide to stop the mega-kissing. A few weeks before the wedding, they may choose to stop the long-kissing. And then just before the marriage, the couple might even decide to spend less time together and not even kiss.

Finally, they might agree to not even see each other on the morning of the wedding. Thus the old idea of not seeing the bride or groom before the wedding comes back in a more positive way. It's not a bad idea. It reflects the concept of taking some space and backing off physically right before marriage. I think such a tradition, if preceded by a gradual diminishing of physical involvement, makes perfect sense. This best of all triangles would look like this: (picture)

I suggest to engaged couples to look at the triangle this way and talk about what would make them feel more valuable and how their physical involvement should actually decrease the closer they approach marriage.

With this new model we can leave behind the whole notion of "What level of intimacy should we have?" and the common concern "How far can we go?" Instead, couples that want to base their marriage upon a solid foundation of moral value and mutual self-respect will ask, "How much value do we want reflected in our relationship? How valuable do we want each other to feel?" And by temporary celibacy in the dating and engagement period, couples can contribute to that sense of value.

Therefore, the closer a man and a woman get to marriage, the more they should actually back up a bit in the area of physical intimacy. What singles need most is not a new set of rules or arbitrary cut-off lines. Instead, they need a total paradigm shift, a completely different perspective on the whole question of sexual guidelines. They need to begin to think in terms of value. Of course, the value triangle makes the most immediate sense to those who are engaged and are committed to marry each other, but it also applies to all singles, whether in relationships or not.

Again, a financial example might help to illustrate the point. When I was a young single, I was frustrated by paying rent and having no equity to show for all my payments. I decided it would be a good thing to begin to save for my own home. That way, if I married some day, I would already have a home. But even if I did not marry, I would still have my own home and a base for financial security. In the same way, if a single man or woman realizes the need for building a solid foundation of self-worth, that foundation will be an asset regardless of his or her marital state.

THE TOUGH QUESTION

"Come on, Rick. Answer the really tough question--what specific acts can singles do, and what acts can't we do?"

There are many different opinions. Some authors say singles have to stop before touching breasts. Others say that anything except penetration is OK. I refuse to be a judge and jury that hands down decisions about what singles can and can't do. Instead, I appeal once again to the guiding principle and its application in the singles' value triangle--single celibacy is a way to protect and assert personal value. Some sexual acts are obviously costly, whereas others have a minimal cost. For instance, in my opinion if a couple is involved in oral sex, they are spending lots of their moral value that should be saved for marriage. I think a couple that kisses only is spending less and will have more saved up as a foundation for marriage. Consider this analogy: A couple decides to marry and wants to buy a house. In spite of that, they are enamored with nice cars and toys, so they buy new cars, a boat, and nice clothes. They spend all their money on these toys, plus max out their credit limits. They may have fun for awhile, but when the day of the wedding comes, they will find that they have nothing left with which to purchase a house. In fact, they may be so far in debt that it will be years before they get out of the hole they have dug for themselves.

Sexual profligance is just as destructive. A couple that does not limit their premarital sexual activity may have a hard time establishing a solid marriage. If the woman becomes pregnant before marriage, they have created a debt that will make it very hard for them to have a solid moral foundation for their family later. They may even have difficulty keeping their own children from making those same sexual mistakes.

TIME TO BACK UP

What about a couple who have become physically intimate and now desire to back up sexually? Is that possible? How can a couple actually do that? And how can a person who feels sexually devalued find the road back to personal and spiritual self-worth?

To regain a sense of moral value is again parallel to getting out of financial debt. First we must acknowledge our condition. There has to be an awareness of the true situation. In the Bible, this is called repentance. In economic terms, it is called the "day of reckoning." This takes place when we realize that we can't pay for all of our purchases and that we haven't the willpower or ability to fix the problem. At some point, we admit to ourselves, "I need help."

The next step is to devise a plan of how to pay off the debt. Financial counselors help with financial planning; spiritual counselors or close friends can help in the sexual area. Financially, we may have to cut up our credit cards. Then we must begin making payments on the debts until they are paid off.

A plan also needs to be outlined in the sexual arena. A couple may decide they need to back up in their physical intimacy and base their relationship on a sense of mutual esteem and value, rather than just on physical passion. They may say, "We need to get to know each other better, talk more, experience a greater diversity of situations and see how we interact in different areas. We need to discuss plans for the future more in depth. We need to get to know each other in emotional, social, and spiritual areas, rather than concentrating on the physical aspects of our relationship." They may have to set some limits--"We will kiss but not long-kiss," or, "We will kiss but not disrobe." The couple needs to talk through the limits (such as what parts of the body can be touched), and they need to agree to mutual boundaries.

It would also be beneficial for each person to find someone to be accountable to, someone spiritually mature, someone he or she can be honest with, someone who will pray for and with him or her. But, of course, it won't work if the person is not honest with the accountability partner or does not take seriously the friend's advice. If the advisor cautions the couple about being alone for too long a time, for example, the couple must take such suggestions seriously. Or they may be instructed to go to lunch in public rather than having an intimate dinner alone at night, not to have sexual conversations on the phone, to date only in group situations, and so on. It is best if both persons agree, but even if only one person determines to do this backing off, it is worth the price and can be done.

Of course, none of these suggestions will work if the couple does not work by the plan or the guidelines they have set. And an important aspect is that each person remain in prayer and in close relationship with God.

As strange as it may seem, sometimes it's better for a couple who has gone too far to back up--even to the point of postponing their marriage--to give them time to regain a sense of personal value and self-worth. This will be like a couple who realize they have spent too much: and are not in a position to get married. The financial obligations are great, for example, the wisest solution is to postpone the marriage until the couple are financially sound. In the same way, a couple who have spent themselves emotionally and physically may realize it will take them a long time to recover their sense of moral purity and value.

For singles who are sexually involved, such a backing off or postponing of marriage for a bit may serve to clear their minds and help them make wiser decisions. It may serve to help them build a better foundation for all future relationships. They may discover that the person they are with is a real treasure and be motivated to explore that relationship in depth. On the other hand, they may find that that person is the wrong match for them and utilize the wisdom and courage to break up in order to avoid a terrible mistake. No matter what happens, to back off a bit and become temporarily celibate is always a positive move. It is God's way of helping singles assert and protect a healthy sense of self-worth.

COMMITMENT AND BALANCE

The value triangle instructs couples that open, public commitments are a necessary part of relational growth and balance. The different commitments that couples make together are like steps up the side of the triangle. It is at this point that a problem can occur--the couple's perception of what commitments should occur at what level may differ. So let's now consider just the commitment side of the value triangle.

During one counseling session I asked a couple, Loretta and Ed, to fill in the commitment side of the triangle--without showing the other person. Loretta's triangle was labeled like this: (picture)

Ed's triangle looked quite different: (picture)

When they showed each other their completed triangles, they both were astounded. Loretta said, "Ed, this really bugs me. Here we are talking about marriage, and you are barely halfway up your triangle! And you don't even have exclusive dating on your chart. You mean you would talk about marriage with more than one woman at a time?"

Ed didn't answer. He was in a no-win situation. If he was honest and admitted it, she would be angry. If he lied, he would be dishonest. Besides, she would guess it and be mad anyway.

I recommend that couples take out pen and paper and actually do this exercise together. They each should draw triangles, fill them in separately, and then compare triangles. This can be fun if done early in the relationship, and it can be referred to again and again throughout the courtship. The triangles don't have to be fancy--I've seen them on the backs of restaurant placemats, on napkins, on computer printouts, and on scratch paper. Whatever the method, the important thing is to do this early in the relationship and discuss them completely and in honesty. If a couple has different levels of commitment (not a huge problem), they need to work through that together.

CHAPTER TWELVE

THANKS FOR VISITING! GOD BLESS YOU!

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