BOOMER FUTURE - Or "We Want to Be Like Captain Pike"

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In the seventies, and ever since, "boomers", as a generation, have had an enormous impact on the waysand mores of society.

In statistical terms, the "boomer" cohort is the largest demographic in the world. There is no reason not to believe that this group won't continue to define the world as we know it well into the future. What will change will be the style and substance of that influence as boomers age through the life stages. Here's some predictions about what we can all expect as boomers slide into older age.

Aging will become "cool". We'll be told not to trustanyone under 50.

Every seat on a transit bus will be designated for the "elderly" except for the back seat, which will have an additional desgination. The back seat will be reserved for those boomers who need extra heat to keep warm that they can only get by sitting on top of thebus engine.

Anything that takes strength to do will be made easier. Ball bearing manufacturers will put ball bearings in everything (jar lids, door handles, supphose) to ease the strain on joints and musclesatrophied by age.

Torque wrench technology will be built into all levers and things designed to lift - door handles, gatehinges, underwear and bras.

Bob Vila will be the spokesperson for all new products designed to make life easier for boomers everywhere. His new show, "Old Again", will feature new ways to make aging seem like a walk in the park (with or without a walker or a nurse present).

Mobility will be a major focus for boomers. It will become an indexed, tax deductible benefit for boomers to spend money on electric carts (yeah, the one's you now see in WalMarts and Safeways for mobilitychallenged 90 year olds).

But boomers won't stop there. Special lanes will be designated "boomer lanes" so that boomers will have unfettered access to sidewalks, roadways, and malls. The spectre of roaming bands of boomers on trikes will be THE social problem. Boomer groups, like "Hells Trikers" and "Varicose Vixens on Wheels", will own thestreets.

While domed cities may not be commonplace, boomers will have domes over their houses and yards so that it's always warm when they go out side.

Signs and anything displaying advertising will be required to be in extra large print - 900 Font Size - so boomers never have to squint and suffer the scourge of eye strain generated headaches.

All hallucinogenic drugs will be legalized - called the "Capain Pike Law." Captain Pike, as Trekkers know, was the star of the first episode of Star Trek ever shown on TV. He was left horribly disabled and stuck in an enclosed wheel chair with only his head showing and a light on the front (I think it was one blink for "yes", two for "no", or maybe it was the other way around, but who cares). His alien caretakers were so capable at psycho-kinetics that they could make it so that Captain Pike looked and felt as if he had no disabilities at all. Captain Pike will be the patron saint of all aging boomers. However, since there will be no aliens with super psycho-kinetic powers to help boomers not realize they're old or getting old (and how annoying they've become to the rest of us), the only alternative will be safe, reliable, regulated hallucinogens.

Government will establish HallucinogenStores all over the world to ensure that boomers will never be able to feel or know they are really old. You see, there will be nothing so crabby or crotchety as an old boomer. The fear of aging will drive everything they see, feel, hear, touch, taste, smell and do. While it may seem expensive to feed into the excessive boomer whining that will be heard as they age, most in society will agree that drugged aging boomers will be much better than the alternative. Aging boomers - beafraid, be very afraid.

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