The real purpose of e-mail, as everyone knows, is to enable people to forward funny, sentimental, or cynical comments simultaneously to everyone whose e-mail address they have. I try to be fairly discriminating in my own participation--after all, I get a dozen or so a week, most of which aren't worth passing along. But now and then one or two will strike a chord for whatever reason, and "the List" is fired up.
Here are a few "gems" I've received and passed along; now I pass them along to you, too--without comment, as is my wont.
• The pipes, the pipes, are calling
• Strange parallels
• Official Baby Boomers Qualifying Exam
• Words of Wisdom for the Computer User in YOU
• Character Counts?
• Dinner With God
When Dan Quayle threw his hat into the presidential ring (as of this writing, the presidential ring has just thrown his hat back to him), it seemed appropos to reflect upon his glorious past. To refresh our collective memories of his tour of duty as V.P., here are a few actual quotes. Believe it or not, Danny boy really said all of this stuff!
* "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."* "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
* "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
* "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
* "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
* "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
* "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
* "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
* "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared."
* "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
* "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
* "I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future."
* "The future will be better tomorrow."
* "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
* I think this one sums up his life story...."People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
* "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." (To Sam Donaldson.)
* "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
* "Public speaking is very easy."
* "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
* "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
* "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
* "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
* "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
* "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
* "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
* "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
* "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
* "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
* "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
* "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
Strange parallels between the current two best-selling videos...TITANIC: $9.99 on Internet. -- CLINTON TESTIMONY: $9.99 on Internet.
TITANIC: Over 3 hours long. -- CLINTON: Over 3 hours long.
TITANIC: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. -- CLINTON: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC: Villain: White Star Line. -- CLINTON: Villain: Ken Starr.
TITANIC: Jack is a starving artist. -- CLINTON: Bill is a B.S. artist.
TITANIC: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. -- CLINTON: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. -- CLINTON: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC: Jack teaches Rose to spit. -- CLINTON: Let's not go there.
TITANIC: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. -- CLINTON: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. --
CLINTON: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%
TITANIC: Jack surrenders to an icy death. -- CLINTON: Bill goes home to Hillary
QUESTION #1:Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of course. (Consider this a warm-up. If you can't answer this one without thinking, close up the test, and move on to something else. We have nothing further to discuss.)
QUESTION #2:
Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, __ __!" (Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.)
QUESTION #3:
"Hey kids, what time is it?" ____ _____ _____ ____.
QUESTION #4:
What do M & M's do? ____ __ ____ _____, ___ __ ____ ____.
QUESTION #5:
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? ______ _____.
QUESTION #6:
Long before he was "Mohammed Ali," before he was "The Greatest," we knew him as _________ ______.
QUESTION #7:
"You'll wonder where the yellow went, ________________________."
QUESTION #8:
Those post-baby boomers, or baby-boomer wannabes, know Bob Denver as the Skipper's little buddy." But true boomers know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, _______ _. _____.
QUESTION #9:
"M-I-C: See ya real soon; K-E-Y... ___? _______ __ ____ ___. _ _ ___!"
QUESTION #10:
Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the lobby of the girls' dormitory, _____.
QUESTION #11:
"Brylcream... _ ______ ___';__ __ __."
QUESTION #12:
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ____ __.
QUESTION #13: From the early days of our music, real rock & roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder... wonder who; ___ ____ ___ ____ __ ____?"
QUESTION #14:
And while we're remembering rock n roll, try this one: "War... uh-huh, huh... yeah; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."
QUESTION #15:
This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is just as profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you could use a little help here: Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago? Where have all the flowers gone? _____ _____ ______ ____ _____ ___."
QUESTION #16:
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and ___ ________ ___.
QUESTION #17:
He came out of the University of Alabama, to became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. Later, he went on to appear in a TV commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway ___ ______.
QUESTION #18:
I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ _ ___ __ _______. I'm Popeye the sailor man."
QUESTION #19:
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was most recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ____ ______.
QUESTION #20:
In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman, was counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing: ________.
QUESTION #21:
In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er-do-well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful escape attempt, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, explaining, "What we have here is _ _______ __ ___________."
QUESTION #22:
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have _______ _____ to kick around any more."
QUESTION #23:
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive;
He stood six foot six, and weighed 245.
Kinda broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip.
And everybody knew you didn't give no lip,
__ ___ ____, ___ ___ ____."
QUESTION #24:
"I found my thrill, __ _________ ____." (You may remember Richie Cunningham saying this. But if you are a true boomer, you know it was ____ ______ who made this line famous.)
QUESTION #25:
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _________ ___ ___." (This originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.)
QUESTION #26:
"Good night, David." "____ _____, ____."
1. Home is where you hang your @2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. C:\ is the root of all directories.
6. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
7. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
8. The geek shall inherit the earth.
9. A chat has nine lives.
10. Don't byte off more than you can view.
11. Fax is stranger than fiction.
12. What boots up must come down.
13. Will Windows never cease?
14. In Gates we trust.
15. Virtual reality is its own reward.
16. Modulation in all things.
17. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
18. There's no place like home.com
Let's Imagine...It's time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on three leading candidates.
Candidate A:
+ Associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists.+ He's had two mistresses.
+ He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B:
+ Was kicked out of office twice.+ Sleeps until noon.
+ Used opium in college.
+ Drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C:
+ Is a decorated war hero.+ He's a vegetarian.
+ Doesn't smoke.
+ Drinks an occasional beer.
+ Hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice?
You say you need more information? All right...
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people: Tomorrow, I will destroy the Earth!!"
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."
Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news. The good new is that God does exist, and the bad news is that He will destroy the Earth tomorrow."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 Problem has been solved!"