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Seasons In The Sun
Chapter 12: Nicola
And once again I'm thinking about, taking the easy way out...
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When I got back to Bryan's I was hysterical. I was seriously considering killing myself. Knowing how devoted Mark had been to me, it was likely that he'd never forgive me. And I couldn't even consider living without him. I've been so selfish not to tell him. The blow might have been less without the years of lying, he must think I've conned him into marriage. I was searching through Bryan's bathroom for a razor when I remembered the baby. Even without Mark, I'd still have the baby. A tiny human being was inside me, completely dependant on me. Mark would never, never forgive me if I did anything to harm it. |
I collapsed on the floor in fits of sobbing. I took the razors and a bottle of prescribed painkillers with me when I fell, the bottle broke, cutting my finger. It wasn't long before somebody knocked the door. I didn't answer it, they were all in London, it was most likely a fan, or a reporter, and what a stir it would cause if I answered at Bryan's flat. They kept knocking and I heard keys in the lock. Susan, Bryan's sister came in. She's my age. She screamed when she found me on the floor, bleeding, "Jesus Nicola what the hell are you doing? You'll work it out, come on I'll get you to hospital." "No, no, Susan, I didn't cut my wrists, I cut my hand on some glass. But I was going to end it." I picked myself up and went in search of plasters. "What are you doing here anyway?" "Bryan called me. He told me what happened. I came around to make sure you're okay." "Okay?! How can I possibly be OK? I lost the love of my life tonight, Kian ruined my life and his and I'm having a baby the father wants nothing to do with!" Susan paled, "You're pregnant?' "Yes." "Mark's the father?" "How DARE you! Of course Mark's the father! What happened with Kian happened years ago, at Bryan's 25th." "Sorry, Bryan didn't tell me any details, he just said that Mark found out that you once slept with Kian, I didn't know when." "It's okay, I'm just... you know. And pregnancy makes you bad tempered." "Bryan and the others are due home tomorrow. Do you know what's going to happen?" I looked up at her. "No. Mark says he can't live with me, but he can't live without me. It'll take time. I hope he'll come see me, tell me what he's thinking." I slammed my fist on the table. "Oh Jesus, what have I done? What am I gonna do? WHY did I drink so much? WHY couldn't I tell the difference between Mark and Kian? What if he finds out that CAN live without me?" "I don't know. But I've seen you two together. You'll work it out." Susan left about an hour later when I'd calmed down enough to be sleepy. I went back to the bathroom to clear up the mess I'd made. I picked up the broken bottle and really saw the label for the first time. Morphine tablets. It was empty. What in God's name was Bryan doing with Morphine tablets?
After a restless night's sleep, on the sofa - no way was I sleeping in the spare room, I went back home to pick up some things. I didn't know how long I'd be gone. I wandered around the house we'd made cosy, and felt a deep hurt to think that I might never get the chance to return. I saw the portraits, our wedding, Georgina's wedding. I saw our marriage certificate. I saw all the little welcome home presents I'd bought him. I left him one more on his pillow. I knew he'd go straight to bed when he got home. It was my first scan picture. The one they took when they'd confirmed the pregnancy. I went back to Bryan's flat with a full suitcase. And my wedding dress, plus a smaller framed portrait. I wandered around the flat, giving it a quick tidy for him. Then I sat down on the sofa to wait for him. I picked up a magazine from the stack on his coffee table and sat back to read. A folded letter fell out of the magazine. I picked it up and went to put it back when I noticed the "Dublin Central Hospital" logo on it. Despite myself, I unfolded it and started to read. "Dear Mr McFadden, In confirmation of the tests we ran: Bone Marrow: Negative; Blood sample: Positive; CAT scan: Negative. I regret to inform you that you have Leukaemia. It is in the late stages and there is zero chance of survival. Your GP will prescribe Morphine to lessen your pain and to make you as comfortable as possible." The letter was dated a week before my wedding. Bryan had known for little over a month.
The realisation hit me like a freight train: Bryan was dying