1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful insturment; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've cum and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up the ass should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a phone call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to cum on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semem is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases-but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a on-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway> You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed anything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 percent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi etc. all could still lose a few pounds-so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to cum sooon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please do not ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man wouold rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like, "I love it when you cum in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you-especially if a). sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b). you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is alwyas nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain-prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fall in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statues limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is unerstandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cu, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE dosen't. Be considerate please.
23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look at so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent ass but no tits for example, wear stocking and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaires with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME: 1). Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought if was important to remember your name he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME: 2. Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let is proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimeter of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45 minute delays while you go off to make yourself presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist-even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portforlio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty this is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN: 1). It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not: a). Pretend your period has finished, or, b). That it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN: 2.) Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of yor period. Use this specail time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to there natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible hidden beneath your caked-on makeup.
39. PUTTING A DAMPER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER: The only TV programs suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football game. No gardening or knitting programs are to be watched.
40 Reasons Men Fail
1. NOT KISSING FIRST: Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones make her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ulimate form of foreplay.
BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR: Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as it you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3. NOT SHAVING: You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST: Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5. BITING HER NIPPLES: Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES: Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between your finger and your thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclmation points.
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HRE BODY: A Woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagaina. So start paying them some attention.
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED: Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that agrressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT: Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS: Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK: Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12. UNDRESSING HER AWKARDLY: Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY: Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA: Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY: You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY: Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST: A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18. GOING TOO FAST: When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool-she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19. GOING TOO HARD: If you bash your great triangular bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20. CUMMNING TOO SOON: Every man's worst fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21. NOT CUMMING SOON ENOUGH: It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22. ASKING HER IF SHE HAS CUMMED: You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY: Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN: Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX: Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.
26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO: Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES: In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES: Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she dosen't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT: This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30. TAKING PICTURES: When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words, "____ to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH: Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it of. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are al handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS: There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES: If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE: Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate.
35. GIVING HER LOVE BITES: It is hightly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS: Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37. TALKING DIRTY: It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE CUMS: You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39. SQUASHING HER: Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40. THANKING HER: Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
