Mom told me I was the last person she’d thought would ever help her in her old age – Gee, thanks! However, when I stood up to a visiting relative who was pushing Mom to "snap out of it", I blew up and sent her packing. I told her she had raised her kids, and it was my time to take care of my mother MY way!! Mom heard this, and suddenly, our relationship changed forever. God gave me unconditional love for my own mother, and she felt this in me. In return, she was very docile and grateful throughout her remaining years. Mom still has some slurring of her speech, but is leaving now. She worries about her left side and loss of control of her bodily functions – but I keep telling her that with each stroke, something will usually go awry with her body, most of the time with permanent effects. She is fortunate in that it has not left her permanent disabled, but the fear is a big problem for us to deal with. She knows the medicine won’t keep her from having the strokes anymore, and she is terrified.

We bought baby monitors to keep beside her at all times – one for her, one for me – also a coach whistle to wear around her neck so she can "summon" me. In the early morning, I hear Mom over the monitor singing hymns she learned as a child. It is very touching to listen to! I hate the hysteria that comes with Mom’s strokes, but try to calm her down and tell her of others who have had many more strokes than she and are still living. The bad part about all this is that I seem to be bonded to her like a mother is to a sick child. Her pain becomes mine, her fear mine, etc. It is hard to shake off and be a separate person from her. I don’t know if this is normal or not, but suspect it probably is when you are an only child and the mother is up in years and lives with you. I hope that she lives long enough to see her sisters once more, but cannot guarantee anything.

Mom has to take more medicine since this last stroke, which she absolutely hates, but has no choice. The medical profession is limited in just how much it can do to prolong life. Rationally, I understand that, but it is terribly hard to watch her struggle with her fears and lack of control. She cannot tolerate being helpless, which she isn’t yet, but she feels that she is. I do not want to live to be old, if this is what it will be like. I just do not see any good coming out of suffering, or prolonging agony and fear just to see another day dawn. That is just my own personal opinion, and I don’t expect others to accept it – but suffering myself, or watching others suffer, is something I just have no ability to tolerate. I did tell Mom that she would have to stop screaming whenever something minor happened, like making a mistake in "toilet training". I told her I am not too young to have a heart attack myself and if she gives her caretaker a nervous breakdown, then who will be around to take care of her? I have set down rules for when she can be hysterical – life threatening events, falling, strangers in the house, etc. But not because she missed the toilet or couldn’t get the door open fast enough. Every time she screams, I think she has fallen or something terrible has occurred and my blood pressure shoots straight through the roof!

I know when all of this is over, I will resume my own life again. Yet I must admit, it is hard for me to imagine going on without her – I feel guilty that she will leave and I will stay behind. My husband says this is normal, as he felt the same way when his father died. I am grateful to have his advice – as he has already been down this primrose path and I wasn’t nearly as understanding and kind to him in it as he is to me! But even though this is hard on all of us, I know without any doubt in my heart that I am doing the right thing. My purpose hasn’t been to PRODUCE life, but perhaps to PROLONG it for the one who gave me my own life. That makes sense to me.

Well things are progressing – I can diaper and clean Mom up in less than 10 minutes now. She has done well this past week, and they are going to start physical therapy on her so that she can walk a little bit again. The nurses have been surprised that she has made such a good recovery, as most they see in Mom’s shape usually don’t survive the first three weeks. She has lost a lot of her memories, but there is no set pattern to it at all. She sometimes doesn’t know who painted all the pictures in her room – but at least, we’ve got the coughing and fever under control. She still has transischemic attacks at night, usually right after the sun sets, but she doesn’t lose consciousness. She gets dizzy and queasy, but it passes in a few minutes. This last stroke took away her bowel control – She doesn’t know when she needs to go. She tires very easily – We get her up in her mother’s rocking chair at lunchtime for 20 minutes and let her walk the length of the room (about 50 feet, round trip). She usually is exhausted after that.

The baby food idea spawned a new way to nourish Mom. She eats food when we puree it in the blender and is getting a lot more nourishment now. She got feeling back in her legs about four days ago, so we don’t have to drag her up in the hospital bed anymore. Mom seems content knowing that I am nearby, and my blood pressure and heart rate have now returned to normal. She doesn’t know when she has the strokes, and I am told she won’t remember seizures or convulsions if she lives long enough to have them. That gives me comfort, knowing that she won’t be consciously suffering or remember what happens.

As for me, when Mom first fell victim to this last stroke, so much happened so fast that I felt as if we were both caught up in a landslide and were spiraling downward into a bottomless pit. It was the most horrific experience I have ever had. I truly hope I fare better the next time, and that I am detached enough from her to let her go Home without following with her! I cannot tell you how disappointed I was with myself when all of this occurred – I thought I was prepared and also strong! I found out exactly how weak I am! I didn’t know anything could hurt me this deeply, and it is very unnerving.

I do not want my mother to suffer, as I believe very deeply in Heaven and life after death. However, I do have a great problem in handling the interim period, where the struggle takes place. I will miss her deeply – However, every day there is a little less of her personality residing here with me – so it is truly a "catch 22". Each stroke and transischemic attack takes more of her brain cells away permanently – and I find myself becoming her memory more and more. I never wanted to be a nurse, although somehow I have always known this time would come. People say I am doing a good job with my mother, but their praise means very little to me. Every day I have to face the fact that I cannot rescue her. I can only seek to keep her comfortable, warm, dry and fed. God has to do everything else. This has really made me face my human limitations. We come into this world alone, and we go out of it the same way, even if we have a roomful of loved ones surrounding us!

The thought has crossed my mind how mothers take care of their children until they grow strong enough to go out on their own into a world where their parents cannot follow. In that way, my mother has become as helpless as a little child, and maybe I am caring for her just until she grows strong enough to enter the world God has prepared for us – A place where I cannot go for perhaps decades yet. I understand why the Scripture says you must enter the Kingdom of God as a little child, because that is what Mom is now!

Mom asked me one night if I wanted to see her when she "flew away". I read the Bible that night which said, "the horrors of death overwhelm me – oh that I could fly away and be at rest with the Lord and at peace in His Heaven". I also found an old autograph book that Mom had when she was 13 years old, where her now deceased younger sister had penned "When the golden sun is setting and your mind, from cares, is free – And of others, you are thinking – Will you remember me?". It really touched me, because Mom has been seeing this sister in spirit several times recently. Apparently, her sister’s passing affected Mom more deeply than she ever expressed. That note was penned more than 60 years ago! Symbolically, that note brought peace to me, because I realized that my mother has lived a very long, good life, with more healthy days than not – and she has an entire lifetime of friends and family on the other side just waiting to see her again. Here, she has only me. I guess it’s time for her to "fly away" and for me to let her go. I have realized my limitations and also faced the inevitable. I pray for God’s will to be done – This is all any of us can do – I guess it must have taken all of this for me to finally realize that truth!

Mom was in a beautiful park which was brilliantly lit, but without the sun. She was walking, then leaping, running, dancing. She looked down and saw she had no catheter, cane or walker. She felt young again and was filled with joy and happiness. She was free of ALL physical limitations! She asked me how did this happen? I told her while she was in a coma, she left her body and went to visit Heaven! She was comforted greatly by this.

I dreamed that my husband’s mother told me she would personally help Mom with the transistion in the new world. She knew the landscape and would take MY MOTHER under HER wing, even as I had taken HER daughter under MINE! That Mom’s time was nearing and I shouldn’t be disheartened – that there were people who would be looking out for her on the other side. That I had made her son a good wife and we had achieved more in our lives than she could have ever thought possible.

Mom dreamed she was riding on a streetcar. She could walk fine, without a cane. Door opened and driver told her to get off, that this was her stop. She refused, said she wasn’t going to get off until he took her directly to town, her final destination. She was confused because she didn’t recognize anyone, although the streetcar was full and so was the place where it stopped. I told Mom that if this occurred again, to look for my husband’s mother or her own mother – then she could feel safe to get off. She said she’d never heard of going to Heaven in a streetcar – I reminded her that Biblical people went to Heaven in wheels within wheels, in chariots of fire, flew there with wings of their own – So anything is possible. At least I know that when her time comes to leave this life, she will not get off the streetcar unless someone else is there to hold her hand. It makes it easier for me to handle, knowing that she won’t be alone in transistion, from this life into the next.

Everytime my mother puts her hand on my face, it feels like she is touching my heart. There are times, as I watch my mother asleep in her bed, that I long to curl up beside her, hold her tight and put both her hands in mine – attempting to offer both of us some semblance of safety and security. But I realize that were I to fall asleep and then awaken, I would still be here upon this earth – while my mother would awaken in Heaven. I would know that I could not hold her here, nor could she take me there. Our bodies would be touching, but our spirits would be separated by death. Perhaps this is what is meant by "One will be taken – the other left". For the one who is taken actually takes their essence with them – and the one who is left behind wonders how and when they will ever see that loved one again. For although separated by death, we are united in Love – and throughout it all, the love remains. The questions are never erased, but then neither are the memories. Such is the cycle of life…

Mom asked me to send her sisters some jewelry she had, because she had nothing else of value to offer them. She sent her love, although she no longer can write – I am the mediator. The doctor says Mom is in the "terminally ill last phase" – Mom is now permanently bedfast, as another stroke finally took her down. She has 1-2 good days a week, 3 really bad days, and 2 so-so days. And you never know which day you’ll get until after you get up and check on her. Some days I would just like to go back to bed until the day is over, and start with the next day. It’s like a cross between Halloween and Groundhog Day (the movie) – Every day is the same, except with horror thrown in here and there! Mom is not suffering, although every stroke weakens her more and more. She had two smaller strokes this week, on top of the major one last week – so she doesn’t get much time off between them. She does get sick now when the strokes hit. But she’s fine once the stroke subsides. They said her final stage will probably be to enter into a coma and then leave us for good.

We have invented head, eye and hand signals, should she forget how to speak, which is a real possibility now. This way we can continue to communicate. When the bather washes her hair, I lay her down on me to dry her hair and we look like a human centipede – two sets of arms, two sets of legs. So we still have some humor in our lives. The bathers come daily and the nurse comes 2-3 times a week. They tell Mom how lucky she is to have me caring for her. But I feel that I am the lucky one, because I have learned very important lessons – especially that all we leave this life with is the character we have developed inside – not all our achievements or possessions. All we leave behind is our influence in the hearts of others. It all comes down to LOVE – This is all that we can take with us, while at the same time, leave it behind.

I know I have done the RIGHT thing where Mom is concerned, perhaps often in the WRONG way – but we have survived and grown in spirit, although her body fails day by day. I waited my whole lifetime to gain my mother’s trust and affection, and now I have it. I also know that I am loved, wanted and needed – something I didn’t know 6 months ago. I hope to carry this into my own future as a better, more secure person – one less bent on self-destruction and less concerned with ambitious pursuits. For the end remains the same for us all, each in our own way, instead of focusing on making the most MONEY in LIFE, I intend to make the most OUT of LIVING itself! Stop and smell the roses, so to speak. My mother has taught me more by example in the last 6 months than in the 40 years prior to this! It has been hard, no doubt, to watch her fade away before my eyes – Yet it has also changed me for the better. It seems that for every day her BODY FADES, her SPIRIT GROWS just a little bit brighter!

Another interesting detail: One day, I felt as though Mom and I were on a landslide going down a steep cliff to our demise. But somehow, after we became airborne, instead of FALLING, we began to FLY! I found that now my FEAR OF DEATH has been transformed into FREEDOM FROM IT. We can fly now, and we are free!!