(It's a scary, foggy night in the stupid, dumb, evil town of Silent Hill. The village idiot- errrrr- I mean- Joe, is walking up some steps to a metal platform. He hopes to find the answers to all his stupid questions. You know, I know the answers! Why doesn't he ask me? Oh well. He's just dumb. Any how, he reaches the top and looks around.)

Joe: Okay... There's nothing here. You mean to tell me I walked around this stupid town and nearly died on at least 3 occasions AND had to kill some stupid zombies just to reach the end to find nothing!? Damn it! This sucks!

(Maybe if you scream a little louder someone will hear you.)

Joe: Shut up.

(Fine.)

Joe: Any way...

(Oh yeah! Well, Joe is pretty po'ed that he came all this way to find nothing. As he turns to leave, he notices something he missed the first time he looked over the platform.)

Joe: Hey... What's that?

(He walks over to it)

Joe: A stuffed dog? That's strange.

(He picks it up. He notices some paper attached to it. He opens the paper and reads it.)

Joe: Oh great. It's the stupid letter again.

(He throws it, then looks at the dog. He notices something strange about it.)

Joe: Were you always smiling?

Dog: No.

Joe: Oh. Okay. I didn't think-

(He looks at the dog)

Joe: Did you say something?

Dog: Yes.

(He throws the dog)

Joe: It's the devil! Satan dog!

Dog: Hey! That's rude! I'll have you know I'm not satan!

Joe: Yes you are! Dogs don't talk- especially not stuffed dogs!

Dog: How do you know?

Joe: I collect stuffed dogs AND NONE OF THEM TALK TO ME!!!

Dog: Okay, okay. I'm special.

Joe: That's great...

Dog: Isn't it? Well, you're Joe, aren't you?

Joe: How do you know my name?

Dog: I've been waiting for you.

Joe: Why?

Dog: Fun.

(Joe looks at him.)

Dog: I'm only kidding. I have to talk to you.

Joe: Why?

Dog: You came looking for answers, didn't you? Well, I have answers.

Joe: This isn't normal... I must be hearing things... Yeah! I'm hearing things! It's all in my head! That's why it knows who I am! So, I'm going to leave now...

Dog: Dude, I'm real and you need to talk to me!

Joe: No! You are a stuffed animal! You don't talk! This stupid town is making me crazy! I need to get out of here!

(He turns around to go to the stairs. The stuffed dog is sitting at the top of the stairs.)

Dog: Hi Joe!

Joe: You were just over there! I threw you there!

Dog: I know. I don't even know why I bothered to save your ass. You're mean.

Joe: What are you talking- No! Dogs don't talk! You AREN'T talking!

Dog: Yes I am...

Joe: No you aren't!

Dog: Then why do you answer me when I say something?

Joe: Stop it! Stop confusing me!

Dog: Dude, just calm down, okay? I'm your friend. I want to help you.

(Joe officially goes into crazy mode now.)

Joe: I'm crazy. I am crazy. I need help. I need to go to a hospital and I need to get help. Yes! That's what I need. Okay mister talking dog hallucination, I'm leaving now. It was a blast talking to you. Lets not talk again EVER! Good bye!

Dog: You're making this much harder than it has to be.

Joe: Shut up! Just shut up! I want you to leave, so get out of my way!

(He picks up the dog and throws it over the edge. He runs down the stairs. Never slowing down, he runs onto the street where the dog is staring up at him.)

Dog: I'm hurt! I'm just trying to be your friend and you throw me off a building!

Joe: What!? No! I threw you and you should be gone and-

Dog: Shut up and listen!

Joe: No!

(He runs away from the dog. He runs and runs. He runs until he's out of the town. He turns and looks back at the fog.)

Joe: There. Now I'm out of that stupid town and free from that stupid dog!

(He turns to see the dog sitting on his car. It looks pissed.)

Dog: Face it, stupid! You can't get away from me! I have to talk to you and you WILL listen.

Joe: NO! NO! NO! NO! Leave me alone!

(He throws the dog off the car, gets in, and drives away. After driving 50 miles an hour over the speed limit for a few minutes, he slows down. He looks back and sees no sign of Silent Hill or the dog. Then he looks over to the passenger seat and there's the dog.)

Dog: Are you ready to listen to me yet?

Joe: This is not happening! This is NOT happening!

Dog: Oh yes it is. Just sit down and listen to me. Then I'll go away. I promise.

Joe: You aren't real! YOU ARE NOT REAL!

Dog: Yes I am...

Joe: No! Ahhhhhh! This isn't happening! No!

(He starts banging his head on the steering wheel.)

Dog: Oh, stop that.

(He lifts his head up and looks at the dog.)

Joe: Okay, Joe, you can handle this. It's not real. You're just crazy.

(He continues driving down the road. He drives and drives for 3 hours.)

Dog: (reading) "Welcome to Roseville". Roseville?

(Joe continues driving. 5 minutes later, he pulls into a parking lot. A big building that says "Roseville Mental Hospital" is a few feet away.)

Dog: Joe, why are we here? Neither of us are crazy.

Joe: We're going to visit my friend, Kemi. She's going to make you go away.

(Joe gets out of the car and enters the hospital. He goes up to the front desk.)

Vicky: (the front desk lady) Hi Joe! What are you doing here?

Joe: A talking stuffed dog is following me. Look.

(He points behind him. Vicky stands up and sees the dog lying there.)

Vicky: He talks, does he?

Joe: Yes.

Vicky: Hmmmm....

Joe: I know I'm crazy. I'm admitting myself.

Vicky: Okay... Let me go get the doctors.

Joe: I'll be right here!

Vicky: Good.

(She walks away. The dog walks up to Joe.)

Dog: Can we talk now, Joe?

Joe: Of course not.

Dog: Don't you want to know what the deal with Silent Hill is?

Joe: Nope.

Dog: Don't you want to know about the zombies?

Joe: Nope.

Dog: You don't want to know anything?

Joe: That's right!

(Vicky, Kemi, and Keith stop a few feet away. Joe is still talking to the dog.)

Vicky: He's lost it.

Kemi: I told him not to go to that crazy town.

Keith: Do you think he needs to be locked up?

Kemi: Yeah.

(They walk over to him.)

Joe: ... So leave me alone! Stupid dog!

Kemi: Hi Joe! How are you? Is that stuffed dog being mean to you?

Joe: Hi Kemi! I'm fine. You see, this dog followed me out of Silent Hill and keeps talking to me.

Keith: Is that so?

Joe: Yes. He likes to talk. Say "hi" puppy.

(The dog lays there.)

Kemi: Did you hit your head?

Joe: Maybe. I don't remember.

Keith: Well, we'll put this dog over here where it won't bother you any more.

Joe: Thanks!

(Keith puts the dog on a shelf that has lots of files on it.)

Kemi: Why don't you come with me. A nice room just opened up. It's across the hall from Pam's room.

Joe: Yay! Mental hospital room!

(They put Joe in a room. He sits quietly reading when he hears the dog's voice.)

Dog: Are you ready to listen yet?

Joe: No! Go away! Go away!

Kemi: Is everything okay in there?

Joe: No! The dog is bothering me again!

(Kemi opens the door and sees the dog laying on the floor a few feet away from Joe. She picks it up.)

Kemi: I'll go put it back on the shelf. I wonder how it got here, though...

Joe: It's the devil.

Kemi: I'm sure.

(She walks out of the room. Joe goes back to his reading. An hour or so later, Keith comes in.)

Keith: It's time to go outside, Joe.

Joe: I'm happy here- Plus the dog can't get me here. Kemi took him away.

Keith: Come on, Joe. You can read your book outside- or maybe you could play tennis with Pam. She doesn't understand that the ball can't come back on it's own without a hard surface.

Joe: Okay, but if the dog bothers me, I'll kill you.

(He walks out the door. They go outside. He plays tennis with Pam until he hears the dog again.)

Dog: I'm losing my patience with you, Joe.

Pam: Puppy!

Joe: Go away! Why won't you leave me alone!? Just go away!

Pam: Why, Joe? I like the puppy! Hi puppy!

(Kemi walks over to them.)

Kemi: (picking up the dog) How did you get out here? Oh well... Is this your problem, Joe?

Joe: Yes.

Kemi: Okay. It's gone now.

Joe: Okay! Thank you!

(Kemi walks away shaking her head.)

Pam: What's wrong with the puppy, Joe?

Joe: It won't stop talking to me.

Pam: Why not?

Joe: He says he has to tell me something.

Pam: I dunno... Maybe you should listen to what he has to say.

Joe: Nah.

Pam: I bet he'd go away.

Joe: Maybe...

(They continue their tennis game. After an hour or so, they go inside. Kemi makes Joe take some crazy tests (ones that see if you're crazy) and then leaves him to read. Then, she, Keith, and Vicky discuss his results.)

Kemi: There's nothing wrong with him.

Vicky: He says a stuffed dog is talking to him. That's not normal.

Kemi: But all the tests say he's perfectly sane.

Keith: All of them?

Kemi: Yes.

Vicky: Are you sure you administered them right?

Kemi: I did them all 3 times. All of them said sane.

Keith: Weird.

Vicky: I'm not a crazy doctor like you, but I think the boy is crazy.

Kemi: Even so, the tests say he is sane so we have to release him.

Keith: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Kemi: It's all we can do.

Vicky: You know as well as I do that he's crazy!

Kemi: 99% of all people are "crazy". To hold him here, he has to be "insane". The tests say he isn't insane, so he has to go. I'll go tell him.

(Meanwhile...)

Joe: No, dog! Go away!

Dog: Only if you listen to me.

Joe: NO!

(Kemi walks in. She doesn't ask any questions. She just picks up the dog and sets it down in the hall way.)

Kemi: Okay. Now, Joe, all the tests we did say you're sane. That means you'll stay tonight so we can watch you, but tomorrow you have to go home.

Joe: But the dog talks to me!

Kemi: You aren't insane enough to be here. Just go home.

Joe: I never should have gone to that stupid town! Now I have a crazy dog chasing me!

Kemi: I told you not to go, but you never listen to me.. Any way, you're sane, so tomorrow, you leave, okay?

Joe: What ever.

Kemi: Okay, then. Bye!

(She leaves. Joe sees the dog sitting on the window ledge.)

Dog: Just listen to me!

Joe: Fine. Lets talk.

Dog: Okay! Lets start at the beginning. My name is Sparky (We love Sparky!). I was hired to kill you.

Joe: What!?

Dog: Your wife hired me to kill you.

Joe: I thought she was dead.

Dog: She was pretending! It was all a part of her plan. She'd fake her death, write a letter, trick you into going to Silent Hill where me and Maria would kill you.

Joe: Why?

Dog: She's evil.

Joe: Maria, too?

Dog: Especially Maria.

Joe: Why did you help me if you're supposed to kill me?

Dog: Her check bounced.

Joe: Why were zombies all over?

Dog: They were people, and dogs, in costume. They were my idea.

Joe: Then why were they trying to kill me!?

Dog: They were trying to scare you out of town. Only you would stay with big monsters trying to kill you.

Joe: None of this makes any sense!

Dog: Yes it does! Here. I'll start over again. Now pay attention.

Joe: Okay.

Dog: It all started 3 years ago...

(Yay! Flashback!)

Dog: I was sitting on a shelf at Toys R Us when my phone rang. Yeah. I had a cell phone.

then Dog: Hello? (pause) Hi. I'm Sparky. How can I help you? (pause) You have a job for me? (pause) Okay. (pause) Oh no! I only accept cash. Every time I accept a check, it bounces. (pause) Fine, but your ass better have the money. (pause) So, who do you want me to get? (pause) You could just get a divorce. (pause) Okay. It's your life. (pause) Slow and painful or quick and painless? (pause) Slow and painful it is! Any preference on how he dies? (pause) I'd recommend acid. That REALLY hurts. (pause) Yes! I love free choice! Okay. It'll get done. (pause) That's not my problem. (pause) SO what if they catch you? (pause) Okay, okay. If you don't want to be a suspect, fake your death. (pause) I know! It'll be great! (pause) Cancer? (pause) Make up a disease, then! (pause) Where should I go to finish him off? (pause) You want me to kill him in your house? (pause) I'm asking you! (pause) Silent Hill? Sounds creepy. (pause) How will you get him there if you're dead? (pause) A letter? He'd have to be pretty stupid to fall for that. (pause) Okay, then. I bet you'll have to wait awhile before you send it. (pause) He'll be more curious then. (pause) A few years would be good. (pause) Okay. (pause) Ummmmm..... No! Pay me now! (pause) Okay. Bye!

(end flashback)

Dog: A week later, she called again to ask me what disease she should have. I said I didn't know, so she left me alone. It was a year and a half before she sent my money. It was in a letter...

(More flashback! Yay!)

then Dog: (reading) "Dear Sparky, here is your money. $5,000 just like you asked. I also want to ask another favor of you. Can my friend Maria help you? She doesn't think you can do it alone. I know you won't mind! Thanks so much! Talk to you later!"

(end flashback)

Dog: That's when I met Maria. She didn't believe an enchanted stuffed dog could pull off a contract killing.

(flashback)

Maria: I can't believe she hired a toy!

then Dog: "Stuffed dog". And I've been a hit dog for years.

Maria: My eye.

then Dog: I have! Any way, she'll send the letter soon. How should we kill this guy?

Maria: We could shoot him...

then Dog: Nah. We need something that will hurt more.

Maria: Acid?

then Dog: I used the last of mine on a different job. I'm not getting more because it's too messy.

Maria: Uhhhhh.... We could get a rabid dog to bite him.

then Dog: No. Wait! Zombies! Pyramid headed zombies with giant swords!

Maria: Hey! That's a good idea!

then Dog: We can get regular zombies, too. Even if the giant ones don't find him, the small ones will give him a heart attack.

Maria: You rock, Sparky.

then Dog: I know. I know.

(end flashback)

Dog: So it was planned. I called my friend that made costumes and swords and ordered everything. I even had all the people I needed, but then... Then the check bounced...

(flashback)

then Dog: Insufficient funds!? You have got to be kidding me!

bank lady: Nope. It says here that that account has no money in it.

then Dog: Damn it! I ought to tip this guy off...

(end flashback)

Dog: I was about to tip you off when she sent the letter. And to make things worse, she came to Silent Hill to make sure the job got done. I mentioned the bounced check and she told me that she'd pay me AFTER you were dead. Naturally, I didn't believe it, so I got all my zombies together...

(flashback)

then Dog: Okay, guys. I want you to scare this guy out of town!

Pyramid head 2: (Vicky) I thought we were supposed to kill him!

then Dog: I haven't been paid and he doesn't die until I get paid! He must not die! Scare him out of here!

Pyramid head 1: (Keith) Are you sure?

then Dog: Yes! What ever you do, don't let him get to the park! That's where Maria is! She'll kill him!

Katie: (the little girl. She's in on this too) Should I make sure she doesn't hurt him?

then Dog: Yes! If Maria kills him, we're done. Kill her if you have to, but Joe can't die! Okay?

Everyone: You got it, boss!

(end flashback)

Dog: So it was set. I ordered them to protect you.

Joe: Katie was in on it too!?

Dog: Yeah. She and your wife were friends or something like that, but she liked me better, so she agreed to help me. They crazy thing is Pyramid head 1, better know as Crazy Doctor Keith, messed up in the apartment building. He didn't take in account your ability to fight back, so he ran. Vicky, or Pyramid head 2, did the same thing. That allowed you to meet Maria.

(flashback)

then Dog: VICKY!

Vicky: I'm sorry! I wasn't going to let him kill me!

then Dog: If Maria finds him, he's finished! Get back out there and save him!

Keith: Calm down, Sparky. You're overreacting. Maria isn't that dangerous, and if she proves to be a problem, Vicky and I can get rid of her. This isn't that big of a deal.

then Dog: It better not be.

Vicky: Why do you want to help him so badly?

then Dog: No one and I mean NO ONE writes me a bad check and gets their way. I'll see her sent to jail for attempted murder! That'll teach her!

(end flashback)

Dog: I sent Katie to keep you out of the way so Keith and Vicky could kill Maria without you getting in the way.

Joe: Is that why she locked me in the room?

Dog: Yes, but I forgot to shut off the robot zombies, so that's why you ended up in the crazy ward.

Joe: What about the pyramid head on the roof?

Dog: That was Keith. He didn't mean to push you off. He messed up there. Sorry. Any way, our mistakes nearly allowed Maria to kill you, but Vicky got her just in time. We figured that would be enough to scare you away, but it wasn't. So we got other Joe to pretend to go crazy and kill people. But you killed him and kept going. So then I used my emergency plan. I sent Vicky and Keith and zombie Maria out. However you killed zombie Maria and Keith and Vicky "killed" each other. Then I knew all that was left was to tell you the truth. And here we are.

Joe: So you all wanted to kill me?

Dog: At one point, yes. Now we're cool with you. All except your wife. She's pissed. Watch your back.

Joe: So that's it?

Dog: That's it.

Joe: So, what happened to Silent Hill?

Dog: Oh! The town agreed to help us with our little scheme. They blew holes in the road, put graffiti fronts on buildings, and put dead people out for you to find. Don't worry. Those people died of natural causes.

Joe: So the town is fine?

Dog: Yep!

Joe: I guess everyone was in on it.

Dog: Everyone except Kemi.

Joe: What was Pam?

Dog: Zombie #9.

(Kemi walks in)

Kemi: What's going on here?

Joe: The dog told me the story behind why I went to that town! It all makes sense now!

Kemi: Really? Ha! That's what you think! You don't know the half of it!

Joe: What!?

Kemi: (evil psychiatrist) I'll have you know that I'm the only one that wanted you dead!

Dog: What?

Kemi: See, your wife thought she was crazy, so she started coming in. I saw this as a perfect opportunity to get rid of you, so I began convincing her that you needed to die! She believed all of it and hired the dog!

Dog: No way!

Kemi: Yes way! I ordered her to hire Maria because I didn't trust you. And I made her go watch because I knew you couldn't be trusted! And I was right!

Joe: Why do you want me dead?

Kemi: I hadn't done anything evil in awhile. I was bored.

Joe: That's a bad reason!

Kemi: And...

Joe: Do you still want to kill me?

Kemi: Not enough to actually try. If I really wanted you dead, I would have killed you earlier at medicine time.

Joe: Oh. So that's it then?

Dog: I think so...

Kemi: No more surprises here.

Joe: Oh! Why are you enchanted, Sparky?

Dog: Oh yeah! Kemi did that. She was trying to explode Buffy action figures but accidentally read the "enchanting stuffed dogs" spell.

Kemi: Yeah. I was kinda disappointed. I really wanted to explode Buffy! Oh well... Who wants cookies?

Dog: Me!

Joe: Are they poisoned?

Kemi: Maybe- I mean- no!

(He glares at her.)

Kemi: I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

Dog: Say, I wonder where Katie went. I asked her to go fetch some stuffing (my leg is missing some) and she never came back.

Joe: Who cares? I'm still mad at her for tricking me.

Kemi: Don't be bitter. That's not nice.

Joe: What do you know about being nice!? You're an evil psychiatrist!

Kemi: Hey! I was nice for most of the story!

Joe: But you're evil now!

Kemi: You're always evil!

Joe: And...

Kemi: I should kill you!

Joe: You can't now!

Kemi: Want to bet!?

Joe: Yeah!

Kemi: Don't test me, boy! I will seriously hurt you!

Joe: Go ahead then!

(Vicky and Keith walk into the room,)

Keith: Kemi! No fighting with the patients!

Kemi: Awwww...

Joe: Ha ha!

Dog: Humans are stupid.

(And so our story ends. But what happened to the characters? I know! I know!)

Joe: Lets hear it then.

(Okay! Joe got a divorce and sold his story to some writers in Hollywood. It's going to be a made for TV movie. Kemi dropped "evil" from her title and became the "nice psychiatrist". She's also plotting to take over the world.)

Kemi: Of course I am!

(Because Keith and Vicky were such good pyramid headed zombies, they started a traveling zombie show. They dress up as zombies and pretend to kill stuff. Sometimes they bring Pam.)

Pam: Yay!

(It's a great show. You should see it. Maria is still dead. I think... And Katie! Well, Katie found the lost city of Atlantis and became queen of it.)

Dog: What about me?

(Oh yeah! Sparky quit his hit dog business and became a psychic friend.)

Dog: Cool! Watch out Miss Cleo!

(And that's all. Or is it...)