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November 2002
BUMPER ANNIVERSARY ISSUE!
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Article by The Shrinemaster, High Priest of TOSA | |
Greetings fellow TOSAns, it is not often that I have the chance to write an article for the wonderful publication which is News of the Screws, but when I was invited to write this introduction for the November issue I jumped at the chance. On November 14th 2001, the Yahoo club known as TOSA formerly moved to Yahoo Groups in an attempt to outflank the evil Yahell forces who were seeking to change our way of life by force. TOSA, formerly known as The Temple Of Sex Appeal changed it's acronym to The Temple Of Sensual Awareness and a new era was born. Since that day we have made many fabulous new friends and been through many scrapes together but we have stuck fast to our commandments and beliefs. It is one of the essential beliefs of TOSA that at all times we remain sexy and reveal our allure subtlely to others, so that they too may follow in the ways of the Sutra and gain true enlightenment. It is sadly true also that many are blinded to the light of our temple and seek to destroy it. May I offer my thanks and gratitude now to all those who strive to protect our temple, it's inhabitants and our beliefs even to their own cost. Over the past year we have also seen our alliances with two good friends grow and develop, they being HTOTW [Hamster Takes Over The World] and the Sea Palace of Freija and Woden. As you know, HTOTW are the official military protectors of TOSA and as such I have commissioned a brand new statue in honour of the leader to be erected at the assault course on the other side of the temple gardens, as a reminder that big things can be achieved by little people, and that teamwork overcomes all obstacles. Above all, remain sexy in the year to come, and follow your commandments! The Shrinemaster |
Radical Changes to TOSA Hierarchy!
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Story by Chuck McChuck | |
Rumours have surfaced that the TOSA Council are planning a huge shake-up of the way that members of a temple are promoted through the ranking system of the priesthood. Currently, there are 27 levels to enlightenment and to pass to the next level there are decreed acts and deeds that one must perform while studying sensual awareness at the holy sanctum in question. Now it seems that this is under review and your progression may depend on how long you have been studying at the temple. Opinion is divided on which the best way is to judge a disciple's worthiness to gain promotion and so a vote is being cast at the TOSA Sanctum OOC Group for you to have your say. Simply join the TOSA Sanctum [link via the TOSA Group] and go to the polls section. Then choose one of the following options: 1 - Promotion through deeds 2 - Promotion through loyalty We will have the results of the poll for you in the December issue of NotS and whichever way the tide turns we will expect a High Council decision in the New Year. Watch this space. |
Secret War Waged on Bouncedom?
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Story by Studd Muffin | |
Filtering back to NotS via our HTOTW correspondents, we have learnt that TOSA may have been carrying out covert operations against the Bouncedom warned about by the High Mystic Boing earlier this year. Reconnaisance information suggested that the group known as the Bouncedom had formed on the edges of TOSA territory in the North West [see world map on homepage] and were ready to move in and even 'sack' the temple itself. Now it emerges that a special crack troop of TOSAns had been sent several weeks ago to engage and disrupt the enemy and was led by no other than Shadow Carnelian - otherwise known as Scar! Confirmed details of the outcome of this operation have yet to be received, but it would explain the absence of some notable absencees from the TOSA priesthood of late. It is also rumoured that several new inventions of Professor Hamstein are in use against the Bouncedom and we will bring you news of these as we have them. |
 High Mystic Boing Seeking Help Against |
New Missions for Vice Admiral HET the Hamster?
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Story by Jairus Rosh | |
First it was "Cut Down the Mightiest Tree in the Forest wiiiiiith...a Herring!" Then, "Raise the King and have him put on a gig playing this particular set list" in the 'Great Elvis Reanimator Project.' We ask, what exactly does the Admiral of the HTOTW Rodential Militia, Ceridwen ach Eryi, have in mind for HET's next task? Well, we caught up with the Admiral during a break in her archery training to attempt to find out: NotS: So, Admiral, how's it going? Ceridwen ach Eryi: Fair enough, my friends, fair enough. What can I do for you this fine day? NotS: We were wondering what you had in mind for HET's next mission, Ma'am, given that the HTOTW HET is now a Hamster? CaE: Frankly, I have yet to give it much thought! [she laughs] After the Great Elvis Reanimator Project, I felt HET had done quite enough for a while. However, I have plans for him: he rises to the challenge so brilliantly, how could I not have something in store for him? NotS: So, what is it exactly you have in mind? CaE: That would be telling! No, I would rather he was the first to hear what is next in his saga of missions! Because we knew we'd get nothing else out of her, we made our excuses, and traipsed off down to the pub, where we came up with this list of challenges we'd like to see HET take on: 1) Down five pints of Snakebite with 3 tequila chasers per pint (bearing in mind, he's a Hamster now) 2) Go paragliding whilst playing a ukelele to the tune of "Duelling Banjos." 3) Join a male voice choir as the bass and sing Handel's 'Messiah.' 4) Speak in Swahili for a week straight to everyone he meets. 5) Get a job in a camping store as the resident Santa for the two weeks running up to Christmas 6) Write a weekly column for Time magazine for three months where he ponders upon the joys of computer gaming. 7) Actually invent a computer game that everyone likes and plays and it goes to the top of the charts for longer than should be allowed, or is really necessary. 8) Starts his own cult, "The Cult of Blue." Nothing to do with oysters, and the rules are everyone must have blue hair, like blues records, and wake up everyone morning with a song with the lyrics along the lines of: "Well, I woke up this morning / and my baby had left me / the bloody dog's gone too / and I can't seem to pee! / WHOOOAAAAAAHHHH!! / I'm blue," etc., etc. Sadly, we don't think any of the above will qualify in the Admiral's list of HET challenges, but we'd like to know what you think. Email any suggestions for HET missions (and we don't care how impossible they are!) to the usual address. |
TOSA Winter Games Planned for January
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Story by A Wicca Novice | |
Plans are underway for a Winter Extravaganza event hosted by the Shrinemaster and to be open to all comers be they TOSAn or not. It is just speculation yet but events to take place are rumoured to be:
And it is rumoured that the winners of these events will receive very special prizes indeed. We stress though that these are just 'details' of what might actually be occurring. What we do know for certain is that these events will take place at different locations in the TOSA Territories, and that the finale will take place among the beautiful snow-peaked caps of the Amethyst Mountains. Watch for announcements by the Shrinemaster at a temple near you soon! |
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