Leif I Jacobsen (Norway) Contact the author
Contents:
MYSTERY
A short piece for the theatre
A
room with no furniture. From a hook in the ceiling a man is hanging by the neck
in a piano wire. Under him a small pool of water. Two policemen have arrived and
are now trying to figure out what has happened. It is a hot summer's day, and
they are both perspiring profusely in their uniforms. With large handkerchiefs
they now and then remove their caps in order to wipe off sweat from the
forehead.
POLICEMAN
#1
So,
what do you think of this, then?
POLICEMAN
#2
I
certainly don't like the smell of it.
POLICEMAN
#1
I'll
tell you what; neither do I. One wouldn't expect a man who is about to commit
suicide to warn the police by mail.
POLICEMAN
#2
Of
course, he forgot about the postal strike.
POLICEMAN
#1
He
even forgot to stamp the letter.
POLICEMAN
#2
Not
to mention that he used our former headquarter address.
POLICEMAN
#1
He
obviously failed to notice our change of address advertisement in the newspapers
last week.
POLICEMAN
#2
That's
advertising for you!
Enters
a young female reporter with a scribbling pad and a pen in her hands.
REPORTER
Excuse
me; I saw a police car parked outside, and I just wondered if anything of public
interest had happened.
POLICEMAN
#1
And
who are you, if I may ask?
REPORTER
I'm
a reporter, writing for the "Daily Bosh".
POLICEMAN
#2
I
know the editor - I arrested him once.
POLICEMAN
#1
[To his colleague.]
Please
be quiet. Let me handle this.
[To the reporter.]
We'll
issue a press release in the near future, thank you very much...!
REPORTER
[Sees victim hanging from the roof.]
Good
heavens! What's that?!
POLICEMAN
#2
Huh,
you tell us!
POLICEMAN
#1
What
my colleague is trying to say, is that we haven't yet got all the facts on the
table.
POLICEMAN
#2
[Looks around.]
As a matter of fact, we haven't even got a table.
REPORTER
Is
he dead?
POLICEMAN
#1
We don't know yet. We'll know for sure when we take him down.
REPORTER
[After a pause.]
And
when will you take him down?
POLICEMAN
#1
Later
this afternoon. Unfortunately most of our medical staff is on holiday right now.
POLICEMAN
#2
In
fact, in this case we have to rely on the vet.
POLICEMAN
#1
[To his colleague.]
Didn't
I tell you to be quiet?!
REPORTER
[Ready to take notes.]
It
looks as though he's hanging by the neck in a piano wire - are you able to
confirm this?
POLICEMAN
#1
It's
certainly one of the theories we're currently working on.
REPORTER
[After yet a pause.]
So,
where's the piano?
POLICEMAN
#1
All
the furniture was removed by his creditors some time ago to go on a forced sale.
REPORTER
How
do you know?
POLICEMAN
#1
We
received a letter. The auction was held yesterday.
POLICEMAN
#2
I
was lucky to get hold of a piece of nice looking fake china.
REPORTER
That
leaves us with the question of how he managed to get that high up in the air.
With nothing to stand on, I mean.
POLICEMAN
#1
You're
right. Obviously he can't have jumped.
POLICEMAN
#2
Maybe
someone helped him. Maybe we're dealing with a so-called assisted suicide.
POLICEMAN
#1
You
mean a friend of his kindly lifted him up?
REPORTER
Are
you saying you're looking for a criminal?
POLICEMAN
#1
You
just write in your paper that if so we'll catch the bloody bastard in no time!
REPORTER
Please,
gentlemen, nobody tells me what to write. Now I would like someone to explain to
me why there seems to be a pool of liquid underneath the body. Is it water?
POLICEMAN
#2
[Wets his finger and tastes.]
Well,
it's not urine, I can tell you.
POLICEMAN
#1
It's
more like a mystery, if you ask me.
[Hastily to the reporter.]
But
don't worry, we'll solve it nonetheless. Given time. Given the opportunity.
Given the necessary resources.
REPORTER
It
looks as though the piano wire is attached to a meat hook. My guess is that the
solution of the case is to be found at the butcher's next door.
POLICEMAN
#1
The
butcher? I knew it! That lousy son-of-a-bitch!
REPORTER
I
didn't mean to imply that the butcher himself is guilty of anything. But in
addition to the hook, he probably provided your man with a block of ice, on
which he would stand with the wire around his neck, patiently waiting for it to
be melted down by the summer's heat.
POLICEMAN
#1
You
mean: so that he would be slowly strangled? Jesus! What a smart-ass!
REPORTER
[Happily.]
Anyway,
that's the story you'll be reading in the newspaper tomorrow!
Curtain.
PARENTAL JOY
A short piece for the theatre
A
living-room. TOM and JERRY - two middle-aged men - are standing bent over a
perambulator speaking nonsense with a distorted voice.
TOM
Deek-a-deek-a-deek!
JERRY
Giggly-goggly-goo!
TOM
A
nice kid.
JERRY
Yeah,
doesn't say a word.
TOM
[Proudly.]
Resembles
his father in every respect.
JERRY
[Even more proudly.]
Indeed.
I can hardly wait to get a good look at him.
Enters
MARY with the baby in her arms.
MARY
Who
are you speaking to?
Both
TOM and JERRY look surprised. From the perambulator one of them picks up a teddy
bear.
TOM
A
teddy bear?
JERRY
[Mimics Tom.]
Resembles
his father in every respect...ha!
TOM
[Mimics Jerry.]
I
can hardly wait to get a good look at him...ho, ho!
MARY
[Places baby in the perambulator.]
Now
you can both look. Isn't he adorable?
[However both Tom and Jerry seem to have suddenly lost interest.]
What's
the matter, guys, don't you want to see your first-born?
JERRY
Well,
we can hardly be the father both of us, can we?
MARY
Why
not? Most men are only half-a-man, anyway. So I figured you two together might
make one. Actually that's why I invited you to come.
JERRY
That's
certainly very flattering. But don't you see; it's a question of whose blood he
has!
TOM
Whose
genes!
JERRY
I
wouldn't want to take a stroll in the park to feed the pigeons with a boy, whose
blood was completely different from mine.
TOM
And
I would certainly feel very awkward following a boy to school, whose genes had
originated in the cells of someone else.
MARY
Boys,
you're both behaving a bit immaturely now, aren't you?
[Baby starts crying.]
Now
look what you've done!
[Picks up the baby.]
What's
the matter, little sweetheart? Maybe you're hungry again? Yes, mummy's going to
give you yum-yum.
[To Tom and Jerry.]
I
have to breast-feed him.
[Sits down and starts to feed the baby.]
I
hope this doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.
[The
baby stops crying.]
JERRY
[Turns his back to her.]
Well,
frankly it does.
TOM
[Also turns.]
It's
a bit embarrassing, I agree.
MARY
Oh,
come on, guys; you weren't all that coy when you wanted to try out those kinky
positions you'd seen in the dirty magazines!
JERRY
I
was only doing it for chiropractical reasons.
TOM
And
as far as I'm concerned, you know I always keep pornography at an arm-length's
distance.
Both
men turn to her again.
MARY
Yes,
but only in order to focus better.
[Mimics holding a magazine at an arm-length's distance with bad eye-sight.]
JERRY
Well,
maybe we aren't as innocent as we look. But it never occurred to us that a
joyful moment or two with you would result in...in this!
[Meaning the baby.]
TOM
Exactly.
Had we had the slightest suspicion that something like this would happen, we
naturally would have...
[Unable to find the right word.]
JERRY
[Fills in.]
Abstained.
TOM
Abstained!
Yes. Of course we would. Or used a different hole.
JERRY
[Hastily to cover up for Tom's slip of the tongue.]
Technique.
TOM
Different
technique! Yes.
[After a thoughtful moment.]
But
then it wouldn't have been true love, would it?
JERRY
Was
it ever?
MARY
Boys,
boys, listening to you makes my canary sound like Einstein!
TOM
Well,
it's a great responsibility you ask us to take on. Especially since we know
nothing about babies. Except that they're very small and...and...
[Unable to find the right word again.]
JERRY
[Fills in as the baby starts to cry.]
Tend
to cry.
MARY
[To the baby.]
Yes,
my little darling, those silly men make us want to cry, don't they?
[To Tom and Jerry as the baby stops crying.]
Well,
you needn't worry. I've changed my mind.
TOM
& JERRY
[Simultaneously.]
You
have?!
MARY
You
bet I have! You're both useless. I'll manage much better without you.
TOM
Now,
that's a bit unfair, isn't it?
JERRY
You're
saying that we're no good - well, that's your opinion!
MARY
[To the baby as she puts him back in the perambulator.]
You
just take a little nap now.
[To Tom and Jerry.]
I
must ask you to leave now.
[Shoves
them to the door.]
JERRY
[To Mary.]
As
you wish.
[To Tom.]
That's
gratitude for you!
TOM
[To Mary.]
At
least you could tell us who the real father is.
MARY
All
right. Since you insist. Rest assured it's neither of you.
TOM
& JERRY
[Simultaneously.]
Neither
of us?!
MARY
Actually
it's the butcher's son. I went to bed with him once because I couldn't resist
his boiled pig's trotters. Unfortunately he ran off with a dear friend of mine.
[After a thoughtful moment.]
Yes,
indeed he did - and I still miss her!
Curtain.