Chapter I
HAL AND MEG BLUNDY:
FROM COOL PEOPLE TO ASSHOLES
Jeff's parents were assholes, but it didn't start out that way. They used to be cool. Jeff's parents met each other back in 1969 at Woodstock while Jimi Hendrix was singing Purple Haze. They were both hippies and they were on drugs that day. They did acid and smoked a lot of pot. The problem was those drugs caused them brain damage, which contributed to them turning into assholes.
At the time, Meg was living in Newark, New Jersey and Hal lived in the Bronx in New York City. After Meg and Hal met, they began dating each other. Jeff's mother and father decided to go to college together. They went to Kent State University in Ohio. He was studying to be a teacher and she was studying to be a nurse. While Jeff's parents still had a brain, they were in many protests against the Vietnam war. They were horrified when they witnessed the National Guard murder 4 people who were protesting the Vietnam war back in 1970.
Jeff's mother was a Jew and his father was into the New Age movement. While they were still cool, they decided to move to Minneapolis, because they heard that it was liberal there. At first, they liked Minneapolis, but as time went on and as they turned into fucking assholes, they started to hate Minneapolis. They also felt that the weather was too cold there. The only time that they liked the weather was when it was hot and humid with temperatures in the 90s, which didn't happen often enough in Minneapolis.
In the mid 1970s, Jeff's parents decided to get married after Jeff was conceived out of wedlock. They were married the same year that they graduated college and Hal became a teacher. They started to get brainwashed by mainstream society. On April 4, 1976, Jeff was born. That was the year that his parents really started turning into fucking assholes too, especially his father and it had to have something to do with doing too much drugs. They would change from hippies to hippycrites. They got brainwashed a lot more by mainstream society. 1976 was the Bicentennial and they began to believe all the bullshit propaganda the media was telling everyone about how "wonderful" America was. Before 1976, Hal had an open mind about rock music, but 1976 was the beginning of the end of that.
One year later, Jeff's mother gave birth to his sister whose name was Tiffany. In that year, Hal started going to school board meetings and that is when his open mind really began to close up because they talked about how they wanted to make everyone believe that rock music harms kids. Hal decided to believe everything they said because doing too many drugs caused him brain damage. Hal heard about the group KISS and he said that they were disgusting faggots because they wore make up and vomited blood on stage, even though it was fake blood. He was really disgusted after he heard about the "Sex Pistols", especially when he heard that Sid Vicious vomited for real on stage. Hal still liked "The Doors", "Crosby Stills and Nash", and "Jimi Hendrix", who did some radical songs, but why didn't he like the "Sex Pistols"? He said their songs were about anarchy and violence.
In the early 1980s, Hal took some more major steps that would turn him into a bigger fucking asshole than he was already. He managed to become good friends with someone who was on the school board who was a Republican and a member of the Moral Majority. He and his friend got involved with helping Ronald Reagan become President.
Hal's friend was horrified when he told him that he was into the New Age movement. He told him that the New Age movement was Satanic and he believed him. No questions asked, so Hal decided to become a born again Christian. Once again, the effects of brain damage from doing too many drugs.
Meanwhile, Jeff's mother decided to stay a Jew, but her husband tried desperately to convert her to a Christian. Because Jeff's mother was Jewish, Jeff would be protected for the time being and remain Jewish.
Of course 1980 was the year that Ronald Reagan became president, but Hal hated Minnesota because Jimmy Carter won that state. In 1984, he hated Minnesota even more, in fact more than any other state because that was the only state that Walter Mondale won. Ronald Reagan won every other state. In 1988, he was disappointed again after Mike Dukaukis won Minnesota over George Bush, even though George Bush won the election. Meanwhile, Jeff loved Minneapolis. He had some cool friends and he felt content there, however, his father felt that Minnesota was a bad place for kids to grow up in because Jeff brought home a "2 Live Crew" tape and played it. Jeff's father heard the tape and he found it to be totally disgusting. He was wondering, what kind of state is Minnesota for allowing record stores to get away with selling "filth" like that to kids? If that wasn't enough, Jeff's father walked into his room and found a dildo with Dan Quayle's face on it. He knew at that point that he was going to have to move out of Minnesota. His son was being corrupted with "2 Live Crew" and a plastic penis that was an insult to one of the greatest people of all time, Dan Quayle.
He knew he was going to have to move to another state, but he wasn't sure which one. He wanted to move to Washington because they had legislation that would censor kids from purchasing "filthy" music, but he felt that the weather would still be too cold there, even though it would be warmer than Minnesota. He then heard that Governor Bob Martinez of Florida managed to get "2 Live Crew" banned in most parts of the state. At that point, he knew that Florida is the state that he wanted to move to and the weather would be nice and hot there too. What a perfect combination, censorship and hot weather!
Jeff's father decided to take the whole family on a vacation to Florida during the summer when it was too fucking hot. Jeff was looking forward to his vacation to Florida, because with all the propaganda and lies he heard, he thought it would be like Disney World and paradise. Not! After Jeff got to Florida, he thought it sucked. Every day it was hot, muggy and disgusting with the temperatures in the 90s. Even at night the low temperature was 80. From the experience in Florida, Jeff learned that anyone who loves Florida is a fucking asshole and has shit for brains. Jeff's parents and Tiffany loved Florida. Jeff was so glad when he got back to Minneapolis.
After Hal got back to Minnesota, he got appointed to be a member of the school board. That made him very happy because that would give him the chance to have the power to control and ruin kids lives. He was really upset when the school board proposed the possibility of passing out free condoms to the kids in the schools to help protect them from getting pregnant and getting AIDS. Because of Hal's Christian teachings, he was totally opposed to the idea. He felt that kids don't deserve to have the right to protect themselves from getting AIDS. The reason he felt that way was if kids had access to condoms it would interfere with God's plan to give them AIDS for engaging in sexual acts. Once again, it was the brain damage from doing too many drugs. He was hoping that the school board would vote down the idea. Because he was appointed to the school Board, Hal was having second thoughts about moving to Florida. Even though he felt that Minnesota was too liberal, he started to believe that the Lord almighty would step in and make Minnesota a state where people believe in "family values", just like Florida. That and with the Greenhouse effect, someday it might be as hot in Minnesota as Florida too.
Jeff's father didn't only blame Minnesota for corrupting Jeff, he also blamed his mother for being a Jew. He kept trying desperately to convert her to a Christian, but she wouldn't listen to him. After a while, she got really pissed off at him and she ended up telling him to fuck off. He kept praying to the Lord that she would stop being a Jew and become a Christian. Then something happened that would answer his prayers. One day Jeff's mother was arrested after she got caught stealing toilet paper from the bathroom of a department store. She was distraught over what had happened. She was stealing toilet paper ever since she was a kid and she finally got caught. She was so depressed and upset over what had happened, she didn't know what to do. She then turned on the tv set and the 700 Club was on with tv evangelist, Pat Robertson. She felt that he had a special message for her. Now, she was being affected by the brain damage of taking too many drugs. Well anyway, she called their "counseling" hotline and told them that she was distraught because she got caught stealing toilet paper. She also told them that she was a Jew and they told her that she was in the wrong religion because that's how Jews are. The counselor said, "they sin by stealing just so they can save a couple of bucks". She then realized that she was wrong for being a Jew and she decided to let Jesus into her life and become a born again Christian.
As time went on, Jeff's parents picked on him more and more. His parents favored Tiffany over Jeff because she was "normal" and he wasn't. Tiffany was "normal" because she was good looking, popular and was a mainstream all American girl. She liked top 40 music instead of the "filth" that Jeff listened to. She was a cheerleader at her high school and she just loved Florida. The only reason that she got to become a cheerleader was because she was willing to let her gym teacher fuck her in the ass and she was willing to piss in his mouth. Tiffany's gym teacher felt that piss that comes out of a girl named Tiffany must taste good. In fact it tastes great, less filling!
Even though Tiffany was a slut, her parents treated her much better than Jeff. Tiffany would get whatever she wanted. On her 16th birthday, her parents bought her a new car. Meanwhile, Jeff got shit on his birthday. They spent $5 by giving him an Old Time Gospel album. He felt that a pile of dogshit would be preferable to that. The least that they could have done was give him an album with explicit lyrics, which is something that he would have loved. Tiffany thought that music with explicit lyrics was gross, disgusting and should be banned, even though she was a slut who would piss in someone's mouth and get fucked in the ass, but she was normal and Jeff was weird.
Jeff's parents and Tiffany thought he was weird for hating Florida, and he loved Minnesota. Jeff was watching a special report on the Weather Channel, which was about Hurricane Andrew hitting Homestead, Florida on August 24, 1992, which caused $20 billion in damages. It was one of the worst disasters in American history and that convinced Jeff that anybody who would give up living up north and move to Florida was a total fucking asshole. People had their homes destroyed and those who didn't had their electricity knocked out for weeks, which meant no air conditioning with 90 degree heat. Jeff was so grateful that he was living in Minneapolis where weather was the way it was supposed to be, so he wouldn't have to go through the shit that the people in Homestead, Florida had to go through. Jeff said if he had to live in a scumfuck shit place like Florida and a hurricane hit his house and had to live in 90 degree heat without air conditioning, he would turn into a serial killer.
At least visiting Florida taught Jeff a valuable lesson and that was to be grateful that he was living in Minnesota, instead of Shitville (Florida). In Minnesota, Jeff was always grateful and appreciative of the weather, except in the summer when it got too fucking hot, but he realized that when it got too fucking hot in Minnesota, at least it wasn't as bad or as often as it is in Shitville. In Minnesota, he was so glad when Fall came because the weather would be nice and cool, not too fucking hot like it would still be in Shitville.
On Christmas Eve, the weather was nice and cool in Minneapolis with snow. The way the weather is supposed to be on Christmas. Jeff was hoping that his parents would get him a snow mobile for Christmas, but he got something else, instead. Jeff asked his mother the $64,000 Question. "What are you getting me for Christmas"? His mother said, "Jeff, Tiffany, we can't afford to buy you anything this Christmas. See, your father spent all the money on a house in Florida. The Lord has blessed us. We're moving to Florida! That's your Christmas present".
Tiffany's reaction to the news was: "Yay, Yay, Yay, We're moving to Florida, Yay, Yay, Yay. No more cold weather. Nice long hot summers with 90 degree weather everyday and hot weather on Christmas too, Yay, Yay, Yay".
Meanwhile, Jeff's reaction was somewhat different, which was: "God damn you mother fuckin' cunt, fuck, fuck, fuck you, you fuckin bitch, son of a bitchen fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You arrogant fucking cunt, shit, fuck, son of a bitchen fuck, cunt, shit. Take that Christmas present and ram it up your fucking cunt, you fuckin bitch". While he was ranting and raving, he whipped out his dick and took a piss on the Christmas tree and said, "this is how I feel about your Christmas present, cunt". After that, he took a match and set the Christmas tree on fire. Then he stormed out of the house.
With a rampage like that I know you can't wait to see what happens next in Chapter II