HOW TO BE A GOOD CHRISTIAN
By Pat

      Life at times can be difficult. It can be so difficult at times it can be unbearable. Did you ever feel like committing suicide? Well that's what some people end up doing when they can't find the answers, but where do the answers come from? Well they, don't come from psychiatrists. They don't come from within either. They don't come from God either, unless you are willing to become a born again Christian.

      That's right, the answers only come if you are willing to turn your life over to the Lord and become a born again Christian and close your mind. Forget about having a personal relationship with God either. That is known as secular humanism, and that is Satanic. The answers come only by becoming a born again Christian and believing in Jesus.

      Once you become a born again Christian, is life going to be easy? yes and no. Yes, because you no longer have to think for yourself, the church will do your thinking for you and decide for you, how you should live your life. No, because you will have to make changes in how you have been living your life, because you have been living a life that the church doesn't agree with. See, in order to find the answers, after you become a born again Christian you must give up the things that made you happy in order to be happy because they didn't make you happy. You get happy by getting stoned by shooting up with God and by being religious, the opium of the masses.

        What does it take to be a good faithful Christian? first of all, by making sacrifices. Maybe, you were saving your money for a trip to Hawaii or Europe. Well, Jesus doesn't want you to go to Hawaii. He wants you to prove that you have faith in him by sending the money to tv evangelists, a substantial amount of money, so they can take trips to Hawaii, but remember Jesus wants them to go, not you because they are God,s gift to the universe. If you send the money to Jimmy Swaggert he will spend the money on looking at hookers while he beats off, but remember it's ok for him to do that, but no one else can. Anyway, in order to be a good Christian you must send a substantial amount of money to tv evangelists, or Jesus won't love you.

       There are many other things you must do too, in order to be a good Christian. You have to take all your pornography and throw it in the trash. If you don't, you will be condemned to the fires of Hell because that stuff comes from Satan. See Satan puts his Demons into an XXX rated video tape. When you watch a pornographic video, Satan transmits his Demons into the tv set from video tape. The Demons then go from the tv set into your eyes. They then travel to your brain, to posses it. After that they travel to your penis causing it to get hard. This gives you the desire to evil, weird and kinky things, which of course is a sin.

      You must also change the kind of movies and tv shows you watch too in order to be a good Christian. Many tv shows and movies send messages that are anti-Christian. For example, The Simpsons, which encourage people to rebel and become homosexual, or Married With Children, which is about a tacky family. They had episodes where the wife talks about using a vibrator to pleasure herself, and they had another episode about one of the kids that ends up having sex with a mannequin, blasphemy! Watch only the tv shows that are about the "perfect" family like, Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, The Cosby Show, or the Brady Bunch. Those are good family tv shows because nobody ever has sex, has fights with each other or dies.

      You must also curtail listening to rock music, in order to be a good Christian. Listen only to the music that has the approval of your church or Tipper Gore. You must eliminate listening to most forms of heavy metal, progressive and rap music and any music with vulgar language. If the word, fuck, cunt, shit, piss or asshole is in any of the lyrics, the music is Satanic and should be thrown into the trash. If any group has a name such as the Revolting Cocks, or The Crucafucks they are Satanic and their music should be thrown into the trash.

      Music with filthy lyrics and filthy names is not the only music you need to stop listening to. A lot of music encourages people to do evil things and you need to stop listening to it, or else. Did you know that groups like Depeche Mode, Erasure, Bronski Beat and Frankie Goes to Hollywood encourages homosexuality. You better stop listening to them before you turn queer. Groups like Led Zeppelin, Motley Cru and AC/DC, have backward, anti Christian messages and encourages Satan worship. Groups like, The Dead Kennedy's, or Consolidated, encourages people to rebel against the moral values that this country is based on. Even New Kids on the Block, are evil because they shake their pelvis on stage. Remember listening to those groups just ain't cool anymore because it will lead you to the fires of Hell.

      After you become a good Christian, and get brainwashed, you will learn to live without listening to that evil music. There is plenty of good wholesome Christian music that you can start listening to. You don't always have to listen to Christian music either, just as long as it is clean and doesn't encourage evil things. You can listen to Debby Boon or Barry Manilow which is good, clean music.
Last, but certainly not least, in order to be a good Christian, you must be supportive of right wing political and social issues and you must be a Republican. You have to support censorship. Get the X rated videos out of your video store. Support censoring rock music so you can decide what other people can listen to. If you don't support censorship, Jesus won't love you.

      Being a Christian ain't going to be easy. It ain't even going to be fun, but that's how the Lord wants you to live so you can be free from sin and evil. By giving up having fun, Jesus will love you better and you will be rewarded with ever lasting life in Heaven after you croak.

Pat drops some hints in his stories that Christianity sucks and he just wanted to write a little on what you need to do if you want to be a Christian. Click here for more of Pat's wonderful stories!