PARADISE (YEAH RIGHT)
BY PAT: An Alternative Author

      Some parts of the world are nice and some parts of the world suck. Those who live in the nice parts are very lucky, but those who live in the parts that suck are very unlucky. The question to ask is, of all the places in the world that suck, which sucks the most?:
A) San Francisco
B) New Jersey
C) Tijuana
D) South Florida
E) there is no such thing as a place that sucks if you think positive

      Well, the correct answer is D. That's right, South Florida is the most scum sucking place on this planet. The next question to ask is, why does South Florida suck?

A) because so many of people in South Florida are assholes
B) because the weather is too hot
C) because the radio stations in South Florida suck
D) because South Florida looks scummy and has a high crime rate
E) all of the above

       The correct answer is E. South Florida sucks for all those reasons, as well as many other reasons.
No place on this planet has more assholes than South Florida. So many people are phony, unfriendly and stupid. A lot of people are also narrow minded and intolerant of anyone else who's different.
It is true that assholes are everywhere. You will find them in Chicago, San Francisco, Minneapolis, or New York, but one thing is certain, a lot of those assholes will end up moving to South Florida. You can bet on that!

      Because there are fewer assholes, in other parts of the world, the quality of life is much better. Out in California, the people are much friendlier and more open minded than they are in South Florida.  Another reason why South Florida Sucks, is because the radio stations suck. In places like San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Minneapolis, you will find modern rock stations. In Boston, there are a couple of radio stations that play hard-core punk rock; radio stations that play music for people that are cool and intelligent.

      In South Florida, the radio stations play nothing more than sludge. One of the worst radio stations is WEAT, a radio station for old fucks, whose brains have decayed so bad, aren't even aware that what their listening to, is so horrible. Some places up north don't even have radio stations like that any more, because most of their listeners have either croaked, or guess what? They moved to Florida, to get ready to croak. Another horrible radio station is LOVE 94, a radio station that plays songs about "love", barf out, gag me with a spoon! Now, anyone with a brain will realize that songs like that tell it like it ain't! Those songs are about phony love and listening to them is enough to make me wanna vomit.  South Florida also has the so called, classic rock stations, which is for yuppie scum, who can reminisce about the times when they used to be smart, back in the 1960s. If those are classic rock stations, then why don't they ever play classic, Sex Pistols, or classic Dead Kennedy's?

       Of course there is WKPX, the alternative, or is it? WKPX is owned by the Broward County School Board, who are ultra right wing imperialistic fascist scum that are censoring what is played, and as for the DJs who work there, they can't talk about anything that is too explicit or controversial or their ass is thrown off the air quick. DJs have already been thrown off that station, just for expressing their political views. Because WKPX is the only alternative, it is still the best radio station, but in wonderful South Florida, they go off the air at 7PM, leaving nothing but shit to listen to for the rest of the night. Out in California, and in cities up north, the alternative radio stations stay on the air 24 hours a day!  Another radio station that is good, is WVUM in Miami, and they play a lot of wonderful stuff. Then what is the problem? The radio station has a reception of 5 miles. That sure does a lot of good when you live in Broward or Palm Beach County and can't get it.

     The reason why South Florida doesn't have any good alternative radio stations is not enough people will listen to it. That's because so many people in South Florida are assholes, but what is it about South Florida that attracts so many assholes?

A) the hot and humid climate
B) the overwhelming supply of cocaine
C) the restaurants
D) the alternative music scene
E) the alligators

        The correct answer is A, the hot and humid weather. Hot and humid weather breeds maggots, mosquitos, crime, drugs, disease, poverty, but worse of all, it breeds, assholism. Hot and humid weather is evil, and it comes from Satan. Hot and humid weather is gross and disgusting, so the more hot and humid weather a place has, the more I'm going to hate it. Some people love hot and humid weather, while I can't stand it. Anyone who thinks that hot and humid weather is nice, has shit for brains.

     When the weather does get nice and cool, which rarely happens, I have to be victimized by having to listen to people bitch about it being too cold. The reason why so many people think that it's too cold is, because the media glorifies hot weather and people are getting brainwashed into believing that South Florida is wonderful. Up north, when the temperature goes up to 90°, they will talk about how bad it is, when they give the weather report. In South Florida, they have the nerve to say 90° degree weather is nice. Also, when the dew point goes above 65, it is too fucking humid and miserable and they point that out when you are up north, but in South Florida, they don't mention how fucking miserable it is on the weather report when the dew point gets very high because they don't think that any one would notice..

       Even up north, the media is glorifying Florida with all kinds of propaganda. Because of that, parents are forcing their kids to move to South Florida against their will, robbing them of a much better quality of life that they would have up north. Parents who make their kids move to South Florida are scum. Making kids live in South Florida, is child abuse! First of all, the schools in South Florida suck, so kids are being robbed of a decent education. South Florida is also a hostile and unhealthy environment to grow up in. Kids in South Florida are being taught to conform, be intolerant of anyone that's different, and to grow up stupid. Furthermore, kids in South Florida are being brainwashed into thinking that the north is evil, because the weather is cool.

      Yet, some people will consider South Florida, paradise, but it is really parasite. Ahh, maybe I'm just nuts, maybe it is paradise, especially where the homeless people hang out. A bum gets drunk and wasted, then he pukes his guts out and leaves it on the sidewalk. Nothing is nicer than the aroma of vomit when the temperature is 95°! If the temperature was 0, like it gets up north, the vomit wouldn't have it's lovely aroma.

       Some people just can't take the cold winters up north, so they move to Florida, but the weather is supposed to be cold in the winter, with snow! Because some people miss the snow up north, they take the snow that is in South Florida and sniff it up their nose instead, and that could get expensive! The snow up north is free!

      There is a lot of crime in South Florida as well as many other serious problems. That is why it sucks so bad. Because South Florida has so many problems, it needs to be healed, but what is the best way to heal South Florida?

A) by having "just say no to drugs parades" everyday
B) by getting people to bow their heads to the east and chant
C) by dropping nuclear bombs on it
D) by building more prisons
E) by having the police shoot anyone who smokes pot

     Well, the correct answer is C. That's right, while more conventional ways will work to heal cities up north, the only way to heal South Florida is to nuke it, because it will cause nuclear winter, which will eliminate the heat and humidity, which will eliminate the evil. Another nice thing about nuking South Florida is next Christmas we can sing the song, "Walking in a Nuclear Winter Wonderland"!
I do have to admit that nuking South Florida will cause a tragic loss of life for a lot of cats, and property. The question to ask is, What would be the worst loss if South Florida gets nuked?

A) the Broward County Jail
B) Uncle Sam's Records
C) Nick Navarro's lovely home
D) Century Village

       The correct answer is B. Uncle Sam's Records is the best place in Broward County, and it would be a shame to lose it, but the nice thing is, after South Florida gets nuked, it can be rebuilt into something good, and the weather would be nice and cool!

Now, Pat mentions how Florida sucks in his stories and he just wanted to share with you some of the reasons that he thinks it sucks. Click here to read more of Pat's wonderful stories!