ROMANTIC BOWEL MOVEMENTS
By Pat:
An Alternative Author
Introduction: Family Oriented Towns Suck
The town of Familyville is like most suburbs. Most people have no individuality, conform, have no life, which means they are a bunch of narrow minded fucking assholes with closed minds and they have shit for brains. The biggest thrill that people had in Familyville was the opening of a new Wal-Mart store. It wasn't a very happy experience for the several mom and pop stores that Wal-Mart drove out of business. One store that went out of business, thanks to Wal-Mart was the only good place that Familyville had left, which was a record store that had a lot of cool stuff, including lots of alternative music and rap music in which every other word in the lyrics is "motherfucker". Because most people are a bunch of brain dead assholes, they bought their tapes and CDs at Wal-Mart instead of the cool record store, causing it to go out of business. Meanwhile, Wal-Mart is owned by fascist pigs who support censorship, so only "clean" music is sold there and that was the only place that sold music in Familyville.
Familyville was not the original name of that town. The name of the town used to be Boner, named after the man who founded the town during the 1800s, George Boner. The people of Boner believed in "traditional values" and "family values", so a name like Boner started to raise some eyebrows during the late 1960s and a lot of hippies and radicals flocked to the town because they thought the town had a cool name. In 1969, a bunch of hippies decided to get together and smoke pot, take acid and have a circle jerk in the town's park, which was called, "Boner Park". The circle jerk was a protest against the Vietnam War, which they called, "make love, not war".
In the late 1960s, 2 adult bookstores opened up in Boner and an occult bookstore opened up too. The occult bookstore had all kinds of interesting books and incense. They had many books on Paganism, which is an alternative way for people to get in touch with their spirituality, without getting involved with a repressive religion. One of the most popular books at the occult bookstore was called "An Orgasm is the Best Kind of Religious Experience".
In 1970, there was a major protest against the Vietnam War in Boner. The protesters burned the American flag in protest. The National Guard was called in and they arrested and beat the shit out of many of the protesters. Meanwhile, the fundamentalist Christians who were in charge of Boner were upset about their town becoming a place that was cool and hip. They said George Boner is turning in his grave over what had happened to their town. How do they know that? Did they dig him up? The leaders of Boner said a bunch of weirdoes and perverts destroyed the meaning of the town and George Boner was a man who believed in "family values". Furthermore, the Christians in charge of Boner said "how dare those people protest the Vietnam War. How Un-American". They felt that Jesus wanted all those young men to die or worse yet, be permanently fucked up for life in the name of greedy, money grubbing scumfuck corporations who had special interests there.
The Christian Nazis felt that the only way to turn Boner back to "God" and "family values" was to change the name of the town and then use force to shut down the businesses they didn't like and force anyone who's cool to leave. They said, if George Boner was still alive (doesn't that mean he's rock hard?) he would be willing to give up the name if it meant turning the town back to "family values", so the new name of the town was Familyville. Shortly after the town changed its name, the sex police raided the adult bookstores and shut them down. They also shut down the occult bookstores because they said the book, "An Orgasm is the Best Religious Experience" was obscene. The real reason they shut down the occult bookstore was they wanted to shut down any alternative religion besides Christianity. After the occult bookstore was closed down the mayor of Familyville made a speech and this is what he said: "This is the dawning of a new era. We have turned our community back to God and family values by shutting down pornography and that occult bookstore for people who are Satan worshippers. Dear brothers and sisters of Jesus, we are once again a family oriented and Christian Community, but there is much work to be done to turn this community and our nation back to God. I have a dream. There is still a record store that sells filthy rock music in our community. I have a dream that one day that music with filthy lyrics will have warning labels put on it. Then we can label it obscene and ban it. I have a dream that one day a big powerful corporation can come to our community, owned by born again Christians, that will drive record stores that sell smut out of business. I have a dream that by the time the 21st century comes we can take people who practice witchcraft and make them pay back society by making them do hard labor, then when there no longer useful, we'll put them in the ovens. Dear brothers and sisters we will have victory over sin with the help of Jesus".
In the 1990s, there are very little signs that Familyville was a cool place. It is a vast wasteland of assholism and homophobia, where teenagers are brought up to believe that it is cool to be rednecks and beat up gay people to make themselves feel tough. In the 1990s Familyville appeared to be the place where nothing weird ever happens. On the outside where Tiffany and Roger live looks like the house that is shown on "Father Knows Best". What goes on on the inside of the house is far from what is considered normal. Roger and Tiffany are married which satisfies the most conservative Christians, but what they enjoy doing when they fuck certainly wouldn't. Roger is into scat, which means he enjoys having his wife take a shit on him when they fuck. They do some really weird things to each other.
Tiffany was once the Homecoming Queen of her high school and a lot of people considered Roger to be a nerd. Now how can a nerd and the Homecoming Queen end up getting married to each other and then do such weird and kinky things to each other? Roger and Tiffany came from 2 different backgrounds. Roger was always unpopular and basically he was picked on, had very few friends and he felt very isolated. Roger was isolated and alienated because he was rejected for having a mind of his own and he felt that most of the people he saw in school were a bunch of phony, stuck up, snotty, assholes. He hated them so much, he wanted to become a serial killer and kill them. Tiffany, on the other hand was very popular. She had lots of friends who were stuck up phony assholes. One day Tiffany would have an experience that would make her realize that all her so called "friends" were a bunch of phony scumbags, which would lead to Roger and Tiffany getting married.
I know that you just can't wait to keep reading, so click here to go to Chapter I