1st of all, for those of you who are visiting from out of town, I would like to welcome you to the twin cities. I would like to give you some suggestions on how to make your visit more enjoyable. A lot of it depends on where you are staying. I notice that going on vacation is more enjoyable when I get to stay in my own motel room. The most important thing about having your own motel room is you will get to have your own private bathroom. That is very important. A lot of people forget why it is so important to have your own private bathroom. I'll tell you why. While you are on vacation, sooner or later you are going to have to have a bowel movement. 1 of the greatest luxuries in life is being able to have a bowel movement in your own private bathroom. If you have a bowel movement when no one is around, no one else will have to smell it. The problem is having your own motel room can get to be very expensive. Those money grubbing scumfuck assholes who own these motels charge $50 and more just for 1 night. Can't the people who own these motels lower their rates? Don't they realize that there are people who can not take a healthy shit unless they can have their own private bathroom? Also, a healthy bowel movement a day helps keep colon cancer away.

     Now, there are some people who can take a shit while everyone knows that they are taking a shit and they will stink up a bathroom without having any consideration for those who will have to go into the bathroom after them. "Hey, I just let out a real stinker in the bathroom HA HA." I don't like it when people have to be so tacky like that. I also don't like it when people take bowel movements so seriously, either. For example, my parents. My parents are bowel movement experts. My parents don't think it's normal, unless someone takes a shit in the morning, right after eating breakfast. Personally, I think the best time of day to take a healthy shit is at midnight. According to my parents, taking a shit in the morning right after eating breakfast will lead to healthy and normal bowel movement habits. If that's not enough, according to my father, it is not normal for someone to stand up while wiping their ass. It is not normal unless you are willing to remain sitting on the terlet until you are done wiping your ass.

     While traveling with my parents, they made sure that they took a shit at the motel right after eating breakfast, which is what "devoutly normal" people do and they would stink up the motel room. My parents would converse with one another in a serious way as to who would go into the bathroom and take a shit 1st. After they were done stinking up the motel room, they would ask me if I wanted to use the bathroom. No, I did not! The smell was bad enough to make me feel like vomiting. I can not understand how someone can stand to use a bathroom after someone just got done taking a shit?

      The 1st time that I ever got to travel with someone other than my parents was when I was living Florida when I went with a group of people to Disney World. I stayed in a motel room for 1 night with a couple of other people and I wondered if any of them would take a shit in the morning right after eating breakfast, just like my parents? No one I was with talked about taking a shit and as far as I know, they didn't take a shit to my knowledge. However, there was a guy there who kept blowing a lot of farts. He was also Cuban and he came right out and said that he's Cuban and he lets his gas out. I prefer not to travel with groups of people because most people in groups are assholes and that group of people that 1 was with was no exception. It is also extremely difficult to find privacy to take a healthy shit while traveling with a group of people. That can lead to painful cramps and gas pains.

    Now, some of you may be staying at a youth hostel to cut down on expenses because motels are too fucking expensive. At a youth hostel, you are going to have to share a room with a few other people and you will certainly not get to have your own private bathroom, but there are many advantages of staying at a youth hostel over traveling with a group of people. The thing I liked about staying at a youth hostel is it is an affordable place to stay. I was also on my own to do my own thing. The problem is it is difficult to go into the bathroom there to take a shit because the bathrooms stink because other people are taking a shit all day. If you stay at a youth hostel, the best time of day to take a shit is at 2:00 in the morning because no one is in the bathroom at that time. I will be coming up with some ways to make taking a healthy shit more convenient, while you are traveling even if you don't have your own private bathroom.

     Now, some of you may be lucky enough to stay at a friend's house while you are in town. Finding friends who will let you stay with them can be quite difficult because they know that there is a good chance that you will be taking a shit in their bathroom while you are visiting. Now, if you are staying with friends, show them a little respect and don't take a shit in their bathroom. Find another bathroom to take a shit in.

     I know a lot of people can not afford to stay in their own motel room, so I will help you find some creative ways to find the right bathroom to take a shit in. The 2 most important things about finding the right bathroom is the bathroom needs to be clean and the bathroom needs to be private. Now, a lot of people may decide to take a shit in the bathroom at the Greyhound bus station. I don't know how people can stand that? The bathrooms are filthy and there is an extreme lack of privacy.

       The best place to take a healthy shit with a good amount of privacy are places where yuppies hang out. If you can not afford to stay at a fancy hotel like the Radison, Embassy Suites or the Hilton, there is usually a good bathroom available in the lobby for you to take a healthy shit in. now, don't try to use the bathroom between 7:30 in the morning until 11:00 because it is very difficult to find privacy, because that is when a lot of people are checking out of the hotel, but after 11:00 it is almost the perfect bathroom to take a shit in. The bathrooms at these hotels are fancy, they are nice and clean and private if you wait until after 11:00 in the morning to take a dump, it is usually very private. Now, this is not always true, but another good place to find a private bathroom to take a dump in is golf courses. Now, it varies from golf course to golf course, but most golf courses have a club house and a lot of times no one is there and there is a nice clean private bathroom to take a shit in.

     I don't know if any of you shop at Target, but have you noticed how nice and clean their bathrooms are? Because the bathrooms in Target are so nice and clean would make it just the perfect place to take a shit there, but there is another problem. If you go into the bathroom at Target, there is almost always someone in the bathroom. It is not easy to take a shit in a bathroom when someone else happens to be in the bathroom. Then you will have to keep going in and out of the bathroom every few minutes only to deal with the frustration that someone else is in that bathroom. There are other times when no one is in the bathroom and you get into the stall and you are about to poop out a nice big turd when someone decides to walk into the bathroom. Now, what if someone walks into the bathroom after you have just gotten done taking a shit and the smell is fucking horrible? Well, whoever gets to smell your bowel movement will probably never see you again anyway and you will have the satisfaction knowing that you at least got the job done. Another good store to take a healthy shit in is Linens and Things. The bathrooms there are not as clean as Target, but there is almost never anyone in there when you go there.

     My friend Joon told me the importance of creativity when it comes to finding the right bathroom. Joon prefers to take a shit in public bathrooms because she has problems with being constipated and she often ends up pooping out Lincoln logs and when she takes a shit at home, her terlet ends up overflowing.  Remember, if you can take a healthy shit, you will feel a lot better and your vacation will be a lot more enjoyable.

It is so important that you take a healthy shit, so use some creativity to make it more enjoyable and less embarrassing and part of Pat's 2002 vision of the world is to find creative ways to take a healthy shit.