Jokes II
A couple
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.
About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test,"
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank,
he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks.
"I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver,
his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver,
"it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof,
power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel,
8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior,
digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10.
He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
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The Truth Is Easier
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,
where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex,
they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes,
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you.
I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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Snake Bite
John and Bob were camping in the mountains when Bob of them decides to take a pee
and is bitten on his parts by a rattle snake.
Screaming he says to his friend:
A snake bit my cock, quick read the first aids manual to see what to do!!!!
John promptly reaches for the book and reads to himself:
make two cross shaped cuts on the bite and suck all the poison out.
Well John? what does it say?
I'm really sorry Bob, but it says here that you are going to die...
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A Frog Man
A man sat at a barstool and plopped a frog down on the bar.
The bartender says, "What in the world are you doin with that frog?"
"Why I'm going to sell it for a hundred dollars", replied the man.
"What's so special about that frog?"
"This frog eats pussy," exclaimed the man.
A few minutes later in walks this beautiful woman.
She asked, "What are you doing with that frog?"
"Why its for sale mam, this frogs eats pussy. And I'll let you have it for $100."
"I'll take it", shouted the lady as she threw down $100.
"Ok mam, here's the frog and my phone number in case you have any problems."
The lady took the frog home, laid down spread eagle naked in bed and prodded the frog.
Nothing happened. She poked the frog and nothing. It didn't move.
She called the man who sold her the frog. "This frog won't do anything, I want my money back"
The man said, "Hold it, I'll be right there, give me your address."
The man heads straight for the lady's home.
He walks in and sure enough the frog is not doing anything. It just sits there.
Then the man says to the frog, "Allright, I'm going to show you this just one more time."
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SAM MEETS LEON
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation,
he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday...
thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you."
As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"
Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."