Chapter 5
A Teaspoon of Advice: “When you start looking at things from someone else’s perspective, well now, that’s what I call growing up.”
Kid spent most of 1862 traveling with Jefferson Davis, who was surveying battlefields and discussing war plans with the generals for the South. Davis valued his dark bodyguard; Kid was of strong character and sturdy knowledge. The two men respected one another and an unusual, but quiet friendship had formed between them.
During this current year of service, Kid ached at the silence from Sweetwater. He realized that Lou was probably angry with him, but he was shocked that her anger was so strong that she wouldn’t write him. He had sent several letters, unaware they were intercepted and disposed of before ever leaving the capital of Richmond. What Kid was aware of was the deep and abiding pain at Lou’s soundless stand.
Lou’s silence had caused him to experience a wide array of emotions. At first, Kid assured himself that she was writing, but the war had somehow kept him from receiving the posts. Next, Kid actually felt anger that she would punish him this way for leaving her. At one point, Kid even began making bargains with God; ‘if only she’d write,’ Kid thought, ‘I’ll start praying even more.’ Finally, after a year of denial, anger and bargaining, Kid accepted the fact that he probably didn’t deserve Lou’s letters.
He had left, barely two months after their wedding. The betrayal in her brown eyes continued to haunt him. He remembered the vows that they had exchanged and wondered how well he had actually kept them.
Kid now served the South like a machine, only wanting his duty done so that he could return to his wife’s side. The only bright spot in his life was his association with a man as noble and wise as Jefferson Davis, but even that far paled in comparison to his love for Lou. Kid had taken an oath to serve as Davis’ body guard faithfully during the course of the war; sometimes that oath was all that kept Kid in Virginia and the South.
Often taking him onto the battlefield toward the end of the fighting was Davis’ keen interest in knowing exactly what was going on. Therefore, one of Kid’s jobs was to scout ahead for Davis’ safety when the Confederate president wished to visit a specific battle site. Kid slept many a night on a cold, unforgiving ground, but the ground could be no more unforgiving than Kid himself. Self-doubt and scorn began to eat at Kid’s insides; the guilt of leaving Lou tortured him.
Kid had always tried to make the most moral and upright choices, but found himself paying the price for his biggest wrong choice – leaving Lou. On those nights alone, Kid would pray, sometimes for hours, to the God his mother had told him about. Apparently those prayers were being heard because Kid would finally relax enough to sleep without tortured thoughts of Lou.
***
Jimmy walked over to the kitchen window. The weather was unusually warm on this autumn November day and Rachel had made a pitcher of lemonade. Under the shade of a tree just outside the window sat Lou on a wide blanket. In front of Lou, staring into the leaves moving in the soft breeze above her, was Emma. Lou was reading a book to the five-month old girl and Emma was listening to every word.
Lou’s hair was much longer now than when Jimmy had arrived nearly a year ago. And having a child had filled out Lou’s figure. Still a petite woman, Lou now had more curves, but her truest beauty was in the soft smile on her lips as she gazed down at her child. Emma had dark, wavy brown hair and her eyes were a startling blue. Even Jimmy sometimes caught his breath at how much Emma Jane looked like her father, but the thought warmed his heart. Jimmy was glad that Lou would always have a tangible part of Kid, her husband she had loved so much. Jimmy watched them both from the window with an ache in his chest. The ache seemed to grow stronger every day.
By now, Jimmy was a permanent resident at the Sweetwater homestead. He had made a home in the old bunkhouse with a little rearranging and Teaspoon’s help and no one found it odd that he had remained.
“I’m just wondering Jimmy, are you ever gonna tell her?”
Jimmy was startled at the interruption though Rachel had spoken the words quietly.
“What?” Jimmy looked at her blankly.
“When you gonna tell Lou that you love her?” repeated Rachel.
“She knows I love her,” replied Jimmy, shrugging.
“What she knows is you love her like a brother – the rest she ain’t figured out yet.”
Jimmy’s attention, pulled away from his two favorite ladies outside, turned completely to Rachel. He eyed her thoughtfully.
“Am I that obvious these days?” he asked, deciding against pretending Rachel wasn’t right.
“Jimmy my boy, it’s been ‘obvious’ to me since you rode in last Christmas. Truth be told, I suspected before she ever married Kid,” explained Rachel.
Startled again, Jimmy eyed her warily. “She loves Kid.”
“Kid’s dead,” sighed Rachel, “and you two ain’t. You think Lou won’t ever marry again? I’m telling you, some man’s gonna see what a great woman she is and she’ll be gone from under your nose again if you ain’t careful.”
Jimmy stared back out the window a moment, considering Rachel’s words. “I didn’t want to rush her,” he explained.
Laughing, Rachel patted Jimmy’s back in comfort. “Jimmy, it’s been long enough. She’ll always love Kid, but she has a big enough heart to love you too. She’s moved on from her grieving.”
Sighing, Jimmy looked alternately out the window at Lou and back at Rachel. “How do I tell her?”
“Why Jimmy Hickok, you really need me to tell you that?”
Jimmy looked sheepish. “Hell, I’ve been courting her for months and she ain’t realized it, but I sure don’t want to blurt it out and ruin it.”
“Oh my,” breathed Rachel. “You got it worse than I thought.”
Jimmy just smiled in reply. The two turned to watch out the window. Emma had rolled onto her tummy and had pulled her knees up underneath her. Leaning on her arms, bottom in the air, Emma rocked back in forth, her current effort to crawl. Lou’s face glowed as she laughed at her daughter’s attempts. Jimmy and Rachel began laughing and, turning away from the window, they moved outside to see Emma’s antics better.
Lou smiled up at the two of them before looking back at Emma. Getting frustrated, Emma began making earnest sounds of displeasure.
“Come here you,” laughed Rachel, scooping the child up into her arms. Emma giggled and Jimmy cupped his large palm over her soft downy hair a moment.
Lou stood and began shaking the blanket out. Jimmy moved to help her fold it.
“As beautiful as today is, why don’t you two go for a walk, or fishing or something,” urged Rachel.
Lou looked at Jimmy to see if he was interested. He nodded. “You don’t mind…,” Lou began.
“I don’t mind watching Emma one bit,” grinned Rachel. “Now scoot you two.”
Lou grinned over at Jimmy. “I’ll go fix a picnic lunch and we’ll fish – how does that sound?”
“Sounds nice,” responded Jimmy. “I’ll saddle our horses and get some cane poles.”
Less than an hour later, the two rode away from the homestead. The day was indeed beautiful, the sky a clear blue and the soft wind tasted like autumn.
“You know, when Rachel told us to scoot, I felt like a kid working for the Pony Express again,” laughed Lou.
“Yep, she and Teaspoon just have a way of doing that to us with only a couple of words,” agreed Jimmy.
Lou sighed, but it was a contented sigh as she looked at the land around them. They rode in companionable silence to the creek. Reaching their destination, Jimmy jumped off the horse, taking the fishing poles and bag of food while Lou dismounted and untied her skirts. Lou hadn’t begun wearing pants again, but she was quick to tie her skirt up a bit for riding. Jimmy found the habit intriguing, but had always refrained from comment.
“Wanna eat or fish first?” asked Lou.
“How ‘bout fish while we eat?”
“Sounds good,” replied Lou, as she began spreading a blanket near the creek. Jimmy watched her economical moves as he readied the fishing poles. Lou was so practical and yet so feminine; she was at once shy and aggressive, amiable and hot-tempered, amusing and yet serious. Lou was a fascinating woman and he loved her to distraction.
Jimmy folded himself onto the blanket near her, watching her empty the saddlebag full of food. As Lou handed him a sandwich, he grinned.
Lou nodded, “Yep, it’s cheese.” Laughing, Jimmy took it from her hand.
“You know me so well.”
“That I do,” Lou replied, smirking.
The two ate, watching their poles for naught, silent again. Often, they sat like this…on the porch, in town, in the buckboard…both quiet, but comfortable with one another. Today, Jimmy couldn’t enjoy the silence for the pounding in his ears. When he confessed his feelings to Lou today, his life would either become more joyous than he had ever imagined or despairingly lonely.
“Want more to eat?” Lou interrupted his thoughts.
Shaking his head no, Jimmy moved the cane poles to a better position. “Thanks though.”
Lou just smiled in answer and watched the water. They sat close together, but not touching and Jimmy hazarded a glance her way several times. Lou was near enough though, that Jimmy could take a deep breath and inhale her scent – she smelled of Emma and outdoors and well, of Lou. So lost in thought, Jimmy didn’t see her occasional glance. Lou knew something was odd, but she wasn’t sure what.
Maybe it was hours later or maybe only minutes, but they both finally looked at one another at the same moment. Their eyes locked and both held their breath. Both let out the air pent up in their lungs at the same time, making a sighing sound as their breaths lingered in the air between them. Jimmy couldn’t believe it – he was more nervous now than he’d ever been in a gunfight; he searched his brain for the words that he wanted -- no, that he needed -- to say. Meanwhile, Lou searched his eyes, questioning Jimmy’s thoughts, his motives, his heart.
Suddenly and unconsciously, Lou clenched her hands in her lap and licked her bottom lip. In that moment, Jimmy’s ardor took over any words he might have said. In one quick move, he gathered Lou into his arms, drawing her nearer to him. She didn’t protest, but instead moved toward him easily. His mouth lowered and he took her lips with his own. Trembling, he softly crushed his warm mouth against hers, his hands splayed around her waist. When he felt her tongue tentatively sneak out, touching his lips, Jimmy groaned aloud. He captured her mouth in a deeper kiss, his tongue tracing her lips, delving into her mouth. The heat between them rose by infinite degrees as their desire for one another increased. With great reluctance, Jimmy ended the kiss, pulling back just slightly, his hands still around Lou’s waist. Her lips were swollen from their lengthy and deep kiss and she looked more beautiful than he’d ever seen her.
Lou giggled awkwardly as she cupped her hands over her face, embarrassed at her response to him, but unable to deny the intensity they had just shared. Lou knew she loved Jimmy, but having convinced herself that Jimmy only thought of her as a sister, Lou didn’t know what to make of the kiss.
“Lou, you okay?” asked Jimmy, concerned.
Lou nodded her head, peeking out from behind her fingers. Seeing Jimmy’s face so near hers, she slowly lowered her hands. Lou cleared her throat, trying to look proper and failing. She relished the feel of Jimmy’s strong hands around her middle.
“I’m okay, how are you?” Lou finally replied.
With that, Jimmy laughed with gusto. “Well, I’m feeling mighty good right now actually.”
Lou continued to stare, wondering what all of this meant. Her question must have been apparent on her face because Jimmy moved a hand to cup her cheek. “We need to talk,” he said softly.
A nod was all Lou could manage, her voice lost again at his nearness.
“Lou,” began Jimmy. There was a long pause; she watched him expectantly. Jimmy tried again. “Lou, I love you.”
“Why Jimmy,” sighed Lou in a simpering voice. “Are you sure?”
Jimmy just looked at her, until he realized she was teasing him. “Lou, I mean it.”
Lou turned serious and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “I was hoping you might,” she admitted. Jimmy continued to watch her, willing her to say more. “You know, at first I felt so guilty for loving you, but just when I got past that, I started worrying you’d never love me too.”
Jimmy’s eyes lit up like she’d never seen before. “You better mean that,” Jimmy said, afraid to believe her, but unable to contain the joy that she meant every word.
“I mean it Jimmy; I love you too,” confessed Lou simply. “I knew the night you delivered Emma -- that I was in love with you.”
Not yet ready to admit that his feelings had begun long before, Jimmy leaned in to kiss her again. This time, the kiss was soft, his passion in check for the moment. Recognizing he was about to lose that control, Jimmy pulled back.
He pulled Lou up to standing and she rose beside him. Jimmy reached down to kiss her cheek just before he moved to one knee in front of her. Taking her hand, he kissed the back of it. Jimmy then turned it over and kissed her palm. Lou felt her heart melt more at his tenderness. “Louise, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” he asked, looking up at her.
Lou nodded, speechless at Jimmy’s actions. Jimmy then pulled Lou down beside him, both of them reclining on the blanket. “You just made me the happiest man on earth.”
Lou’s throat convulsed as she swallowed, emotion overcoming her. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I never thought I’d feel this way about a man again,” she admitted.
Jimmy held her close, rocking her gently. “Do you know why I proposed like that?”
Lou shook her head against her chest.
“Because Kid got down on one knee and I never want you thinking I wouldn’t humble myself before you like he did. You deserve that kind of proposal…from him and me,” Jimmy explained.
Lou looked up at him, eyes wide. “I’d never compare the two of you.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. Kid loved you dearly and so do I. Just ‘cause you’ve been married before don’t mean you don’t deserve the same respect and fancy declarations as before.”
Lou’s eyes filled with tears, but not of tears of sadness. “Jimmy Hickok, I love you.”
“I love you too Lou.”
They began to discuss their pasts, and especially their shared past with the Kid. They had both, on their own, worked through any lingering guilt that their feelings for the other had produced. Both accepted that Kid was dead, his best friend and her husband; since they had been blessed enough to discover love with each other, both felt sure Kid would bless their new relationship.
Lou knew Jimmy loved Emma as if she were his own daughter. He even desired that Emma take his name as well after the wedding. The rest of the afternoon was spent talking, loving and planning a wedding. Just like he’d vowed a year before across the kitchen table, Jimmy would always be there for Lou. On December 25, 1862, Jimmy made Lou his wife.
A Teaspoon of Advice: “To find a good woman is hard out here – to find a pretty one is even harder , but to find one that also rides and shoots like a man is rarer still.”
1863
The July sun was hot as Rachel and Lou sat on the porch. Rachel churned butter while Lou, with a bowl carefully placed on her lap, shelled peas. Emma, barely one year old, toddled around near them, playing in the dirt at the bottom of the steps.
Teaspoon and Jimmy were off in the land near the property, sorting the horses, choosing which to sell and which to keep for breeding. Between the two men, the Sweetwater homestead had become a thriving horse ranch.
There was a tangible peacefulness, a calm for the family, first united by the Pony Express and now held together by love. Rachel and Teaspoon, though not involved romantically, were surrogate parents to Jimmy and Lou and proud grandparents to Emma.
Emma’s dark hair had grown in thick and wavy, with curls cascading all around her face. Her large blue eyes were pools of curiosity and mischief. She was sweet tempered, but a very busy child. Lou felt lucky to have Rachel giving her hand, especially now.
“Ohhh,” gasped Lou. “That was a hard one.”
“I’d say so,” laughed Rachel. “The bowl is even rocking.”
“So it is,”giggled Lou, reaching to rub her lower back. “I don’t remember getting this big, this fast with Emma.”
“It’s your second one,” reminded Rachel. “The second one is usually bigger and your labor is usually shorter.”
“Well, I’m sure glad to hear that,” grinned Lou.
“You and Jimmy seemed to handle the last one pretty good,” Rachel said, gesturing at Emma and smiling her approval.
“Jimmy will be relieved you’ll be here this time,” nodded Lou.
Rachel winked and got back to churning as Emma climbed the steps.
“Mama -- for you,” grinned Emma, drool on her chin and a stick in her hand.
“Is this a flower?” asked Lou, carefully setting aside the bowl, holding the stick like a beautiful bloom.
Nodding eagerly, Emma climbed on her lap. Lou hugged her daughter quickly for Emma was already jumping back down to, eager to play in the dirt again.
Lou let out a long sigh of contentment. “Rachel, you think Jimmy will love Emma as much as this baby?”
“Louise Hickok, how could you even think such a thing? Emma’s his in every way but blood,” replied Rachel, sternly.
“I know, I just wonder sometimes. I know it’s crazy,” answered Lou, sheepishly.
“I’ve never seen you happier than these last few months,” remarked Rachel.
Nodding, Lou smiled. “Jimmy makes me happy. You know, I was only a bride to Kid – he was gone so fast after the wedding, but I’m Jimmy’s wife.” Lou’s brown eyes looked out across the yard and land. “I like being a wife,” she added softly.
Rachel laughed warmly at the woman beside her. Patting her hand, Rachel leaned over to pick up the bowl. “That belly is just making you worrisome. Why don’t you finish with those peas and quit thinking so much?”
***
Two months later, Lou walked out on the porch. The crispness of fall was tangible and Lou inhaled the brisk air deeply. Rachel and Emma were making cookies in the kitchen and Lou wanted to see her husband.
Approaching the barn, hand on her back she looked for Jimmy. Hearing voices in the back, she walked in that direction.
“I don’t want her to know Teaspoon,” she overheard Jimmy say sternly.
At hearing those words, Lou stopped abruptly.
“All’s I’m saying is she is tough and can handle it,” replied Teaspoon.
“She’s gonna have a baby any day now and I ain’t telling her yet.”
Before hearing Teaspoon’s reply, Lou moved quickly toward them, making her presence known.
Jimmy jerked toward the sound, eyeing his wife carefully. Lou planted her hands on her hips.
Teaspoon loudly cleared his throat before speaking. “I think I’ll go check on those cookies.” He hastened to leave the barn before Lou began her tirade. Jimmy would be in serious trouble.
“How much did ya hear?” asked Jimmy.
“More than enough to know you are keeping secrets from me,” replied Lou coolly.
“I just didn’t want to worry you.”
“Like knowing my own husband is keeping things from me isn’t worrisome enough?” hissed Lou.
“Now Lou, calm down,” sighed Jimmy, lifting his hand to her shoulder.
Lou jerked away, her brown eyes shooting sparks.
“I’ll tell you everything,” Jimmy offered.
“Now that I caught you, you sneaky polecat” yelled Lou.
“I’d have told you eventually anyway Ducky,” explained Jimmy in a soft tone.
Lou just stared at him, hardly mollified by his offer. She began tapping her foot, hands still on her hips.
“When Teaspoon and I were in town earlier today, we heard some talk about a gunfighter wanting to take on Wild Bill Hickok,” Jimmy detailed the situation to his wife. “They say he’s on his way here.”
Lou’s anger quickly turned to concern. “No one’s come after Wild Bill in a long time,” Lou answered.
“Nope, but it looks like someone new is after my so-called title,” sighed Jimmy. “If I fight him, it’s another kill for Wild Bill. If I don’t fight him, he could kill me anyway for the privelege.”
Lou began rubbing her lower back. Jimmy moved nearer his wife. Removing her hands, he took their place, massaging her backache. Lou hung her head, biting her lips with worry.
“I just didn’t want to worry you right now,” Jimmy whispered in her ear.
Looking deep into his eyes, Lou studied his face. “Don’t keep things from me. I’d rather face things with you and face them together than not even know what’s going on.”
Jimmy nodded, knowing she was right. “You going to shoot him for me?” he grinned.
Turning in his arms, Lou swatted his chest. “I think I know how to use a gun well enough.”
Jimmy laughed as he hugged her close and they walked toward the house. “Let’s see if there are any cookies ready yet.”
***
Later that same night, the couple crawled in bed. Lou cuddled spoon fashion against Jimmy, her tummy making it impossible to be near him any other way. Jimmy sighed as he drifted off to sleep, but Lou lay there wide-awake and worried.
An hour later, Lou shook Jimmy awake. “Honey?”
Mumbling in his sleep, Jimmy only moved slightly. Lou shook him again, harder.
“Ducky?” he whispered.
“Jimmy, the baby’s coming,” Lou stated bluntly.
Immediately, Jimmy sat up. “Right now?”
“Very soon, I can tell,” said Lou as another pain enveloped her body. She squeezed her eyes shut, grasping the sheet in white knuckles. Jimmy stroked her arm through the pain and then jumped out of bed.
Opening the bedroom door, he called out to Rachel. Within moments, Rachel was coming down the hall, wrapping a robe about her body. “What is it Jimmy?”
“The baby’s coming,” Jimmy explained.
“Oh my, okay, I’ll…,” Rachel began.
“Would you please boil some water and get us some linens?” asked Jimmy, interrupting.
“You don’t want me to help her?” Rachel asked, eyebrows raised.
“I delivered the last one didn’t I?” grinned Jimmy. “I think we’ll handle this one too.”
Just then, Lou let out a soft cry and Rachel scurried down the stairs as Jimmy moved back to his wife’s side.
Within an hour, Lou gave birth to another daughter. She was so petite that Jimmy could hold the child in one large palm. Tears of joy again filled his eyes, just like with Emma.
“That backache all day must have been the early pains,” grinned Rachel from the end of the bed. After a quick clean-up, a proud Rachel turned to go. “I’ll leave you three alone and bring Emma in when she wakes up in the morning.”
“Isn’t she beautiful?” sighed Lou, happy and tired.
“She looks just like a pretty doll, like that doll you had as a little girl. Wasn’t her name Annabelle?” Jimmy agreed.
“You remember that?” gasped Lou, shocked that he would remember such a small detail.
“Of course. If it has to do with you, I pay attention,” Jimmy admitted, looking at his wife.
Lou began to cry softly as she reached for their newest daughter. “I love you Jimmy.”
“Oh Lou, I love you too and I love our new little girl. All these women to love and watch out for,” he grinned.
“What do you think we should name her?” Lou asked.
“How about Annabelle?” offered Jimmy.
“Annabelle it is,” Lou smiled in return. “Annabelle Louise Hickok.”
Jimmy carefully crawled into bed next to Lou, cuddling his wife and newest daughter beside him. The next morning, Emma walked in and studied her new sister. Then she crawled upon her Daddy’s chest. She patted his chin until he woke up.
“Emma,” he grinned at his oldest daughter.
“Shhhh,” hissed Emma. “Sissy sleeping.”
“That she is,” whispered Jimmy. “I guess Rachel told you ‘bout your new Sissy.”
Nodding, Emma played with her Daddy’s chin while watching her Mommy and Sissy sleep.
“You know what, Emma honey?” said Jimmy, softly, “I now have two daughters to love.”
Emma nodded solemnly. “You ‘n me, take care of Mommy and Sissy.”
“That we will,” Jimmy agreed with his oldest daughter.
***
Just as Lou was back to normal, trouble came to the ranch. His name was Hugh Waldon and he wanted the honor of killing the infamous Wild Bill Hickok. The family had just sat down to supper when a shout was heard from outside.
“Hickok, come out and face me.”
Jimmy stood, resignation on his face, as he strapped on his gun belt hanging by the door.
Lou stood, her hand on his arm. “You don’t have to do this.”
“And do what instead? Tell him to go away? You think he’ll just say ‘oh okay’ and walk away?” answered Jimmy.
“I’m waiting for you Hickok,” came the voice from outside again.
Jimmy walked out on the porch. “Can I help you?”
“Heard tell you’re fast with those guns,” taunted the cowboy.
“Ya can’t believe everything you hear,” drawled Jimmy.
During their exchange, Lou rushed up the stairs to the second floor. She grabbed her gun, little used now, but meticulously maintained, and looked out the window. Just as she suspected, she caught a flash of metal from the trees. Buck always said ‘there’s always more than one,’ she thought.
Below, Jimmy and the gunfighter had moved into the yard. Rachel took the children away from the windows. Teaspoon stood on the porch, hand near his gun.
Both men drew and four shots rang out. Jimmy fatally shot Hugh while getting clipped in the left arm. Looking up quickly, he saw Lou leaning out the window upstairs. Before the hidden gunman could aim properly, her shot had killed Hugh’s brother.
Teaspoon shook his head, his gun never clearing its holster. The older man moved off the porch, checking first the body in the yard and then walking in the direction of the stray shot. The other man lay dead on the ground, next to a tree.
Lou rushed down the stairs, onto the porch and down the steps. “Jimmy, you alright?” Lou fretted, binding his arm with a cloth.
“I’m fine Ducky, it’s not bad,” Jimmy assured her. “But how did you know about that other man?”
“Let’s get you inside first,” she said, urging him onto the porch.
“I’m waiting,” said Jimmy.
“Remember back when Kid called out Lambert? He had other men ready to shoot too. And when you fought Longley?” asked Lou. At Jimmy’s slight nod, she continued. “Buck always said there’s more than one and past experience has proved it.”
Jimmy reached out, grabbed Lou gently by the neck and pulled her toward him with his good arm. He took her mouth with a kiss full of passion, approval and pride.
“Have I told you lately what a wonderful woman you are?”
“Daily is not nearly often enough,” Lou replied cheekily.
***
As another Christmas fell on Sweetwater, Kid was just returning to Richmond. President Davis had been visiting the Southern Army in Chattanooga, Tennessee following a bloody battle. Christmas was the most difficult time for Kid. His longing need for his wife, hearth and home building to a desperate ache that nearly suffocated him.
Kid’s letters home had become scanty. By now, he recognized that Lou would not answer him. He wondered, if he made it through the war, if Lou would even want him back. Determined to win her back if necessary, Kid resolved to spend the rest of his life making this separation up to his wife.
