27.MAY.05

PASSE

It's 10.30am and I'm perched on a high stool in front of the uni's library computers. I should be in class. I should be listening to the heated rows between a shaved head lesbian and a opinionated carrot head over the legitamacy of abortion. I really should be in class instead of posted on a skyscraper chair contemplating what i should and shouldnt do whilst nibbling on dried perservatives that only asians know of. Why do they make these chairs so high anyway? I almost expect a bartender to offer me a straight vodka on ice. Mmm...morning tea. FUCK. Felt like swearing. Is it too late to put in a disclaimer on now? Monologues are my forte, i can conduct a converstaion all by myself where responses are irrelevant. I much prefer it that way...a MONOlongue. One. Singular. A. Total compromise.

This is of no new relevation, i am, as a dexterous writer, aware of the lack of recognition my blog is recieving. But then again, such a circumstance is anticipated by all writers or writer wannabes. I know I am a writer based on the following supporting evidence:

1. I am constantly in a financial crisis
It doesnt matter how hard i work, or how little i spend i always end up with the 25 cents i started off with.

2. I experience the extremities of emotions
I seem to have a whole satillite dish positioned on the top of my head, i always empathize and connect with emotions with supreme reception. Foxtel should speak to me.

3. I am insane
We all know writers have to be insane to write. A mental instability is a prerequiste.

And so, i am a writer, and i am in love. Now what?


18.MAY.05

DISTRIBUTION

Finding a balance has always proven to be formidable. I tend to find myself always spiralling into long periods of highly abnormal fixations on certain agendas. Whether it be food, people, or an activity, i've always had a very capacious obsessive compulsive disorder. In some sense, its always been mono-obsession, being always preoccupied with ONE entity at a time. This possibly ties into my monogamous nature at heart, but nonetheless being mono-obsessive is still an engima.

Gone past the blueberry bagels, huge-choc-chip cookies from the school canteen, purchasing an item of clothing every second day as a self-reward system for getting through the day, wearing hats to every outing, dying my hair a colour that is sure to fade within the third wash, swimming and exercising every day in a desperate turn for a healthy lifestyle, drinking boost every day, talking on the phone every night for minimal amount of 3 hours or just watching endless number of videos consecutively until i lose my sight permanently...and so forth. I impose one question, when does this all stop?
Perhaps this is a natural and pre-determined part of growing up, of reaching maturity, of obtaining experience. Perhaps im still getting use to the idea of being born. Regardless the reason, 'excessive' tethers onto me like a parasite and there are no anedotes. I am loose.


12.MAY.05

FRIENDS

I suppose its only at critical times or times least expected do you find out who really are your true friends. Its moreso the advice they give or not give. Its moreso the eventual seeping out of the underlying truth they feel towards you. Its moreso when you realise at times of need, you're ultimately alone in a encircling laughing crowd of 'friends'. That's when you know that integrity lies only so far, behind the thin shroud of there-there hugs and soothing sweet comforting whispers of nothing.
If the clutches that im holding onto so dearly are removed, i would fall only momentarily. My stand would only be temporarily delayed. I'll still stand nevertheless if not better. For independence is about solitude. Removed and alone.


2.MAY.05

INFECT

Something crimson red spreads from my chest. It seeps across and down my body, tracing every contour. Warming to love.