Part 15/?

Spike strained against the arms that held him 
immobile, but he held his full 
strength in check.  He didn?t want to get free, not 
right then.  He?d heard 
the soldiers threaten the Cynon with his violence and 
he was willing to play 
along.  He was willing to do whatever it took to find 
Xander.

He?d woken up to find Xander already gone.  A note on 
the kitchen counter 
had told him that the dark-haired man was out running 
errands and that he?d 
be back soon.  Spike had debated what to do while 
waiting; watch the telly, 
read a magazine, prank call the Slayer?  He had 
decided that none of them 
suited his mood.  He?d wanted to wake up and talk to 
Xander, make sure the 
other man wasn?t too torn up about what had happened 
the night before.  He 
knew Xander was going to take it to heart, knew that 
the boy was going to 
feel the rejection and the loss of Graham more than he 
should.  Behind the 
laughing eyes, Xander hid a soul that felt too much, 
too deeply.  He?d 
wanted to hold Xander and make sure that he was all 
right, to tell him he 
was loved and to get those dark eyes to smile for him 
once more.

If he couldn?t be near Xander, then he could at least 
immerse himself in the 
other man?s presence.  He?d probably never be able to 
live it down if anyone 
caught him at it, but he didn?t care.  He wanted to be 
with Xander and this 
was the next best thing.  He had pushed open the 
closed door to Xander?s 
bedroom, intending to spend time in the place that 
smelled and felt the most 
like the mortal.  It was there that he?d found the 
letter with his name on 
it, waiting for him on the bed.

//Spike-

No matter how I write this, I know I?m going to end up 
pissing you off.  I?m 
just going to beg you to read this all the way through 
before you do 
anything, all right?

The first thing I have to tell you is thank you.  
Thank you for keeping me 
alive these past few weeks.  I would have been dead a 
dozen times over 
without you there by my side.  Thank you for watching 
out for me in other, 
smaller ways.  If I hadn?t had you to talk to, I 
probably would have ended 
up going out of my mind.  You helped me to hold it 
together.  You were a 
friend when I needed one most.

The past few days have been something out of a secret 
dream for me.  Thank 
you for giving me the chance to live it.  You let me 
feel things I never 
thought I?d ever be able to, made me feel better and 
closer to love than I 
ever have before...and that?s as mushy as I?ll get.  
I?ll spare you any more 
sloppy feelings.

This is the hard part, the part that?s going to piss 
you off.  If you?ve 
found this letter, then I guess I didn?t come back and 
there?s a good chance 
that I?m dead.  I have no right, but I need to ask a 
final favor of you.  I 
need you to make sure that if I?ve been turned, that 
you make sure that I 
don?t rise again.  None of the others could handle 
having to stake me.  
You?re the only one I can trust.  Please, Spike.

Xander//

Spike had dropped the letter and run to his room, 
pulling on his sun-cloak 
as he?d left the apartment.  He didn?t even know if 
he?d shut the door 
behind himself and he couldn?t bring himself to care.  
Xander was out there 
performing some noble, bullshit sacrifice and Spike 
wasn?t going to let it 
happen.  He?d gone straight to the one being that 
would know where Xander 
had gone.  The Cynon.

The Cynon, who was currently cringing against the 
wall, stared at him with 
healthy amount of fear.

?Where is Xander??  Spike demanded.  ?What did you 
send him up against??

The blue-skinned demon straightened a little.  ?I 
didn?t send him anywhere.  
I merely gave him the information he desired.  What he 
did with that 
information can hardly be construed as any fault of 
mine.?

?I?ll construe it any way I damn well please.?  Spike 
lunged forward a bit 
for effect.  ?Start talking or start dying.?

?He came to me and I told him what he wanted to know.  
There are new 
vampires hiding in the Serenity Acres cemetery, a clan 
of Blorten demons 
moving through town on their southern migration path, 
and a few demons 
hiding out in the woods near the abandoned south 
cabin.?

?What demons are out in the woods?? asked Graham.

?A small group of Kladdersh.?

Spike hissed.  That explained it.  Kladdersh demons 
were notoriously nasty, 
even aside from their interest in vampires as snack 
food.  Xander had gone 
after them alone to protect him.  Of all the stupid, 
suicidal, whiteknight 
gestures...  ?If anything?s happened to him, I?m going 
to hunt you down and 
make your dying last a month.?

?Even if you find him in time, you may not save him.?  
The Cynon looked from 
Spike to Graham and then back again.  ?I tasted his 
emotions.  He is torn by 
the feelings inside himself, convinced that the love 
he feels is wrong, that 
it can only hurt him and the two of you.  He didn?t 
leave here dreading 
death.  He was looking forward to it.?

?Motherfucker.?  Graham released Spike and took a step 
forward.  ?I should 
kill you now.?  No matter what the blue-eyed man might 
have tried to make 
Xander believe, he still loved him.  It was there in 
the fear and the rage 
that filled his voice and gaze.

?I didn?t do that to him,? the Cynon said.  ?The 
credit belongs to you, you 
and the situation and Xander?s own delicious fears.  
If you don?t realize 
that, you will gain nothing by saving him.  He?ll just 
find another way to 
escape, another way to die.?

Spike glared at the Cynon.  He understood what the 
demon was saying, but all 
that had to wait until Xander was safe.  ?Pray to 
whatever it is that you 
serve that Xander is still alive.?  He shook Riley off 
and stalked out of 
the crypt.  Behind him, he could hear Riley talking to 
Graham, persuading 
the other man to follow.  When the two soldiers made 
it outside, Spike was 
waiting for them.

He moved forward until he was right in Graham?s face, 
staring up at the 
taller man.  ?You don?t like me.  Fine.  I don?t like 
you.  Right now, all 
that means shit.?

Graham nodded.  ?Let?s go get Xander.?

Spike raised an eyebrow approvingly.  ?Then let?s get 
to your vehicle.  I 
know where the cabin is.?

Graham drove with barely controlled desperation at 
speeds that almost made 
Spike nervous.  The same need that drove Graham was 
also pounding through 
the vampire and the insane pace that Graham had set 
didn?t seem to be nearly 
fast enough.  The knowledge that Xander could be dying 
as they sped to reach 
him made him wish that the cheesy legends about 
vampires being able to fly 
were true.  When they finally got within a mile of the 
cabin, Spike was out 
of the vehicle before it stopped moving.  Graham and 
Riley took a moment to 
finish gearing up with weapons and then they were 
behind him.

Spike held up his hand and listened to the wind.  ?The 
Kladdersh are in the 
woods.  I can hear them moving.  They don?t like to be 
up during the day, so 
something must have drawn them out of the cabin.?

?Xander?? Graham asked.

?I can?t hear him out here.  The Kladdersh are upset.  
I don?t know what 
they?re saying, but they sound pissed.  I think Xander 
pushed them out of 
the cabin somehow and that they?re planning to take it 
back.?  He stared off 
into the woods.  The Kladdersh were angry and they 
wouldn?t welcome a pair 
of humans into their territory.  He, on the other 
hand, would be welcome.  
Snacks were always welcome.

?We go hard, we go fast, and we get to the cabin.?  
Graham?s voice was firm. 
  ?Then we get Xander the hell out of there.?

Spike grinned savagely as he took in the blood-thirsty 
determination on the 
soldier?s face.  ?Let?s go.?

Luck was with them:  the Kladdersh were so focused on 
muttering about 
whatever had happened at the cabin that they didn?t 
even notice the three 
men moving through the woods.  Spike made sure they 
stayed well away from 
the Kladdersh.  He didn?t fancy ending up an appetizer 
before he got the 
chance to shake Xander?s teeth loose for coming up 
with a plan like this.

Once they reached the clearing that surrounded the 
ramshackle cabin, Spike 
broke into a run, knowing that Riley and Graham would 
be right behind him.  
He lunged through the door, the sound of Xander?s 
rapid heartbeat filling 
his ears.  ?Xander!  Where the hell are you??

?Spike??  Xander voice, weary and surprised, drifted 
down from the upper 
floor.

Graham was closer to the staircase, so he was the 
first one up the stairs.  
Spike followed him closely, managing to push past 
Riley.  He and Graham ran 
to the first room on the right of the hall.

Xander stood in the middle of the room, frowning.  
?What the hell are you 
guys doing here??  His face was streaked with dust and 
sweat and he swayed a 
little as he stared at them.  Discarded weapons 
surrounded him and an empty 
duffel bag was tossed into a far corner.

?What the hell are we doing?? Spike parroted back, 
tearing off his 
protective sun cloak.  ?You?re the one on the suicide 
mission, pet.?

?How did...I don?t know what you?re talking about.?  
Xander looked out the 
window.  ?Listen, there are Kladdersh out there, 
Spike.  I can handle this.  
You?d better just get out of here.  Riley, Gr-graham, 
this isn?t your fight. 
  You shouldn?t be here.?

?You can handle this??  Graham shook his head.  
?Xander, there are demons 
out in the woods working themselves up to come back 
here and take their 
house back.  You?re not going to be able to beat 
that.?

?They?re coming back??  Xander didn?t look dismayed by 
that; instead, a 
little more life appeared in his eyes and he stood up 
straighter.  ?Then you 
definitely need to get out of here.  I?ve got this 
under control.  I?ve got 
a plan.?

Spike shook his head.  Whatever plan Xander had wasn?t 
going to happen.  It 
no doubt ended with the demons being taken care of, 
but without Xander 
walking away.  It was obvious:  from the resigned 
slump to his shoulders to 
the way Xander refused to meet anyone?s gaze, it was 
clear that Xander had 
given up.  ?It won?t wash, luv.  We?re not leaving you 
behind.  You?re 
coming with us.?

Xander did look at Spike then.  A bitter smile twisted 
his lips.  ?I?m not 
going anywhere.  And you have -? he checked his watch 
?-two minutes to get 
out of here.?

?Why two minutes?? Riley asked.

Spike felt a frisson of real fear.  He?d heard stories 
about Xander, knew 
that the other man was willing to do what ever it took 
to protect his 
friends.  He could be as ruthless as an alpha 
protecting his pack.  In the 
past, he?d relied on pilfered napalm 
and...?Explosives.?

?Those, too,? Xander agreed.  ?The two minutes is 
actually how long I think 
you have before the Kladdersh decide to rush the house 
and you?ll either be 
killed by them or trapped in here.  Being trapped 
would be bad because the 
explosives are set to go off in four minutes.?  He 
looked back at his watch. 
  ?Three minutes now.  I?d suggest running.?

?Not without you,? Graham said.

?This really isn?t any of your business.  Spike, don?t 
forget to take that 
cloak with you.?  He swallowed hard and looked at his 
watch.  ?One minute 
till they come back.?

Spike met Graham?s gaze.  He read exactly what he 
wanted to see in the 
soldier?s eyes.  ?Right then,? he said quietly.  He 
bent down to pick up his 
cloak and pulled it on.  ?Are you sure you can handle 
this, luv?? he asked 
as he settled it into place.

?You need to get out of here,? Xander insisted.  ?And 
I?m going to be fine.? 
  His voice broke.

Spike nodded once, then lunged forward and grabbed 
Xander, tossing the 
taller man up over his shoulder and running for the 
door.  Xander cried out 
a protest and began to struggle immediately, but Spike 
just tightened his 
hold on him and continued to run down the stairs, 
Riley and Graham?s 
footsteps a heavy echo just behind him.  As he cleared 
the front door, he 
saw that the Kladdersh demons were finally staging an 
effort to retake the 
house.  He turned quickly.  ?Give me some cover fire 
and then follow me out 
the back!? he ordered.  This could work.  If the 
Kladdersh followed them 
into the house...

Graham and Riley please him by understanding exactly 
what he was thinking.  
A brief burst of gunfire behind him told him that the 
Kladdersh would be 
delayed, and then he was out the back door and down 
the rickety stairs.  
Xander fought to get free of his hold, but Spike 
ignored the warning twinges 
from the chip and just held him tighter, refusing to 
let him go.  He heard 
the two humans get out of the house and then he was 
running, trying to 
outpace whatever explosives Xander had rigged.

They almost made it.

A terrific concussion of sound and force knocked Spike 
to his knees.  Time 
seemed to slow down as he attempted to react.  He 
tried to gentle Xander?s 
fall, but the dark-haired man still slammed into the 
ground hard.  Spike 
tried to cover Xander?s body with his own, but Xander 
was writhing like a 
man possessed, yelling about shrapnel.  Spike 
understood there would be 
shrapnel - that?s why he wanted to make sure Xander 
was protected.  Xander 
pulled one of his arms free and smashed his elbow into 
Spike?s face.  The 
pain caused Spike to flinch and that was all the 
opportunity Xander needed.  
He squirmed free...

...only to roll on top of Spike and pin the vampire to 
the ground.  Spike 
realized dimly that Xander wasn?t trying to get away.  
It took a few moments 
more for full understanding to penetrate the pain in 
his head:  Xander was 
shielding *him*.  Before Spike could react, debris 
began to rain down on 
them:  parts of the cabin and parts of the Kladdersh 
fell indiscriminately 
from the sky.  After a few seconds it was over.

Spike pushed Xander off to the side.  ?What the hell 
did you think you were 
doing?? he demanded, adjusting his hood to better 
shield his face.

Xander didn?t answer.  His eyes were closed and he 
made no moved to get up.

?Xan??  Spike touched his throat gently, searching for 
a heartbeat.  It was 
there, slow and regular.

?How is he?? Graham demanded, kneeling on the other 
side of Xander.  
Kladdersh innards stained one side of his pants and 
splinters of wood were 
caught in his hair.

Splinters.  Xander had been trying to protect him from 
the wood.  ?The 
bloody noble bastard?s out cold.?  He gently pushed up 
Xander?s shirt, 
hissing a little as the sight of the bruising.  ?He 
probably got hurt 
getting into the house.?

?Add that to the blast and no wonder he?s out.  He 
might have even gotten 
knocked over the head by some debris.?  Graham reached 
out and brushed some 
dust from Xander?s hair.  ?He needs to be taken care 
of.?

?I?ll take him back to his place.  I can watch him 
there.?  Spike readied 
himself for a fight.  Either Graham was going to want 
to take the boy to a 
hospital or he was going to try to take Xander home 
himself.  He had to 
realize how big a mistake he?d made in letting Xander 
go.

?I?m coming with you.?

Spike blinked.  ?To Xander?s??

?Yeah.  Ri, can you go back to base and cover for me 
there??

Riley nodded.  ?Are you sure??

?I need to do this.  I?ll be in contact soon.?  Graham 
pulled a few more 
splinters out of Xander?s hair, then scooped the 
unconscious man into his 
arms.

?I can take him,? Spike protested, but not very hard.  
There was something 
in the way that Graham was looking at him, something 
in his gaze that looked 
like acceptance and maybe even anticipation.

?I got him.  Just make sure nothing eats us on the way 
back to the car.?

With Riley taking point and Spike bringing up the 
rear, they left the 
smoking remains of the cabin and headed for the SUV.  
Even as he cast an 
admiring glance at the wreckage - the dark-eyed man 
knew how to place 
explosives - Spike knew that things were nowhere near 
over yet.  Xander?s 
attempt at suicide by combat had to be dealt with, as 
did his relationship 
with Spike and that with Graham.  They couldn?t let 
things go or walk away 
any longer.  Beyond that, there was that new look in 
Graham?s eyes to deal 
with.

Spike had a suspicion that things were about to get 
very interesting.

Part 16/?

Xander rolled over and hissed as his head protested 
the movement.  The pain 
roused him out of sleep and he opened his eyes slowly.  
As he opened his 
eyes, he frowned in puzzlement.  He was in his room.  
Why?  He?d set out to 
wipe out the Kladdersh demons and he?d held no 
illusions about his chances 
of survival.

Memory slowly returned to him.  He?d gathered up the 
supplies he?d wanted, 
then headed over to a crypt that was housing a 
half-dozen vampires.  Old 
enough so that they knew him to be a friend of the 
Slayer, he?d woken them 
up and stood in the sunlight taunting them.  He?d 
called them stupid and 
unimaginative, laughing at them for being held 
prisoner by sunlight when it 
was so easy to cover up and walk about free.  A 
conveniently placed pile of 
tarps guaranteed that the vampires would grab them and 
try out the idea he?d 
just handed to them.  They had chased him, just as he 
had been sure they 
would.  He?d counted on the tarps to slow them down as 
they avoided the sun 
as best they could.  Xander had led the angry vampires 
to the cabin the 
Kladdersh had moved into.  The Kladdersh had been 
drawn outside by the noise 
and the promise of a mid-day snack.

Everything had gone perfectly to plan.  The Kladdersh 
went outside and ate 
the vampires, and while they were occupied Xander was 
able to take over the 
house, driving the demons away with bursts of gunfire.  
When the Kladdersh 
had retreated to the woods, Xander had placed the 
explosives and retreated 
to the upper floor, waiting for the Kladdersh to 
return.  Waiting for the 
end.

His eyes widened as he remembered how things had 
actually turned out.  The 
last thing he could remember was fear pouring through 
his veins at the 
thought that Spike would be skewered by a chunk of 
wooden debris and end up 
dusted.  He couldn?t remember much after that thought.  
He was pretty sure 
the pounding in his head signaled that some piece of 
wood had caught him 
upside the head.

He felt some of the fear return.  What had happened to 
Spike?  What had 
happened to Graham?  Someone must have made it out all 
right, since he?d 
gotten back to his bedroom, but they could have been 
injured.  God, what if 
they?d been hurt because of him?

He dragged himself to his feet, groaning as the 
throbbing in his head 
intensified a thousendfold.  The world swirled around 
him in sickening 
spirals and he had to close his eyes and swallow hard 
to fight down the 
nausea.  After a few deep breaths, he walked to the 
doorway, moving slowly 
to compensate for his aching head.  Just before he 
could grasp the door 
handle, the door to his bedroom swung open.

Graham stared at him.  ?You?re awake!?  He turned and 
called over his 
shoulder, ?He?s awake,? then turned back to face 
Xander.  ?How are you 
feeling??

?I...?  Xander?s words were washed away by another 
wave of nausea and he 
raised one of his hands to his aching head.

?You shouldn?t be out of bed,? Graham scolded.  ?Come 
on, back in you go.?

A warm arm slid around Xander?s waist and guided him 
back to the bed.  
Xander went along with it; it was get back into bed or 
collapse on the 
floor.  The bed was softer.  He watched in confusion 
as Graham arranged the 
blankets on top of him.  ?What?s going on??

?How much do you remember??  There was poorly 
concealed anxiety in Graham?s 
gaze.

?Everything up to the point where my head got hit with 
a chunk of the house. 
  I think it was a part of the house.?

?It was.  You were out cold, so we brought you back 
here.  Another hour of 
you not waking up and I was going to drag you to the 
hospital.?

?You?re all right??  Xander looked the other man over 
carefully.  He 
couldn?t see any signs of injury.

?I?m fine,? Graham promised.

Xander nodded vaguely.  He wasn?t sure if he was glad 
to be awake or not.  
He?d had it all planned so perfectly; he was going to 
solve the problem of 
the Kladdersh and all of his own problems at once.  
What was Graham doing 
here now?  The soldier didn?t want to have anything to 
do with him, so why 
had he saved Xander?s life?  Why was he playing 
concerned nurse?

Xander?s muddled thoughts brought another worry to his 
attention.  ?Where?s 
Spike?? he asked, sitting bolt upright.  He 
immediately regretted it as his 
head began to pound, but he did his best to ignore the 
pain.  ?Was he hurt??

?I?m fine.?  Spike was there at the other side of the 
bed, putting something 
on the nightstand before gently easing Xander back 
down onto the mattress.  
?Don?t do that to yourself, pet.  The worst any of us 
got was a bit of dust 
and splinters in the hair.  You?re the only one that 
got hurt.?  His 
expression darkened.  ?You?re the only one who went 
off on his own looking 
for a fight he couldn?t possibly win.?

Xander turned his face away, but that just left him 
facing Graham.  There 
was nowhere he could escape to:  any way he turned, he 
was going to be faced 
with a man he had betrayed.  He couldn?t figure out 
why they were there:  
how could they still care after what he?d done to 
them?  He tried to burrow 
underneath his pillow and failed miserably to suppress 
the cry of pain the 
motion produced.

The pillows were lifted away from his head and hands 
gripped his shoulders 
and pulled with steady insistence until he rolled back 
over onto his back.  
He kept his eyes stubbornly closed for a moment, then 
sighed and opened 
them.  He deserved whatever they had to say to him.  
Maybe after they were 
done yelling they?d leave and he?d be able to figure 
out what he was going 
to do next.

The explosives hadn?t worked.  He was going to have to 
try something else.

Graham reached out and touched his temple carefully.  
?How bad?s your head??

Xander blinked.  Maybe his head injury was worse than 
he?d thought.  Graham 
wasn?t mad; he was worried.  ?I can handle it.?

?Drink this, luv.?  Spike held a glass of juice out to 
him.

Xander took the glass and drank from it mechanically.  
Spike?s anger was 
gone; only the barest hints of it remained in the 
tight set of his shoulders 
and the crease between his eyebrows.  Xander couldn?t 
figure out what they 
were waiting for.  Did they want to make sure that he 
was all right and 
completely aware before laying into him?  He reached 
over toward the night 
stand, intending to put down his glass, but Spike took 
it and did it for 
him.

That was it.  Now that the glass was gone, it was 
going to come.  The final 
recriminations and then they?d both walk away from 
him, leaving him alone.  
He blinked hard and waited for it to start.

Spike reached out and laid his hand on Xander?s chest, 
right over his heart. 
  ?You had a nasty knock to the head, but you?re going 
to be all right.  The 
headache will pass and you?ll be fine.?  On Xander?s 
other side, Graham 
nodded his agreement.

Xander couldn?t take anymore.  He had no idea what was 
going on and he 
couldn?t just lay there and wonder when they were 
going to walk away.  
?What?s going on?? he asked.

?I explained that to you,? Graham said, a worried 
frown creasing his brow.  
?You said you remembered everything up until you were 
knocked out.?

?What?s going on now??  Xander knew that as soon as he 
pushed this Graham 
was going to walk away and he was never going to see 
him again, that Spike 
would finally release his hold on his anger and then 
the vampire would be 
gone as well.  ?Why are you here?  Why are you acting 
like you care,? he 
looked over at Spike, ?and why are you hiding the fact 
that you?re so pissed 
you?re cursing the chip because you can?t smash my 
face in??

Spike?s hand bunched into a fist, rumpling the 
material of Xander?s shirt.  
?I?m pissed because you didn?t wait for me.  You went 
off on your own and 
damn near got yourself killed because-?

?Enough.?  Graham?s single quiet word silenced Spike.  
As the vampire 
contritely smoothed out the wrinkles in Xander?s 
shirt, Graham held Xander?s 
gaze.  ?I?m here because I almost lost you.  Forever, 
I mean.  You almost 
died and I had to think about what life would be like 
if there was never any 
possibility that I?d ever see you again.  Thinking 
about that made 
everything clear:  I couldn?t let you die, couldn?t 
let you leave my life 
forever.  That?s why I came after you.?  Graham 
reached out and placed one 
hand over Xander?s.  ?Riley and I opened your letter 
to Giles.  That?s how 
we found out and as soon as I realized what was 
happening I was out the door 
and looking for the blue demon.?

?I found my letter early,? Spike said, moving his hand 
in soothing circles 
over Xander?s chest.  ?Soon as I figured out you were 
up to something, I 
went after the Cynon.  Ran into Graham and Riley at 
the crypt and then we 
all went looking for you.  You know what happened when 
we found you.?

Xander thought he knew what they were trying to say, 
but he couldn?t accept 
it.  He must be misunderstanding them, letting useless 
hope twist their 
words.  ?But why are you still here?? he asked 
plaintively, needing them to 
make it plain so his stupid heart would let him hear 
the truth instead of 
his own foolish dreams.

?We?re here for the same reason that you went after 
the Kladdersh on your 
own instead of taking Spike,? Graham said.  ?Love.?  
He leaned forward and 
pressed his lips gently to Xander?s in a sweet kiss.  
He sat back after a 
moment, barely giving Xander a chance to respond, but 
continued to hold 
Xander?s hand between both of his own.

?Exactly,? Spike agreed.  ?Love.?  He moved forward 
and bent his head, 
covering Xander?s lips with his own.

Xander responded to Spike?s kiss, wanting more of the 
gentle caress.  It was 
amazing - Graham and Spike were both there, they were 
safe and they still 
cared about him and they weren?t fighting or anything.  
It was unbelievable 
and perfect and all he?d ever wanted.

Xander twisted away from Spike and tore his hand from 
Graham?s grasp.  ?No,? 
he said, shaking his head.

?Xan, what?s wrong??  Graham reached for him again.

Shrinking away from the touch, Xander looked back and 
forth between the two 
men staring down at him.  ?Everything,? he answered.  
?Everything is wrong.  
This isn?t right.  Neither of you want this.  You?re 
just over-reacting 
because you thought I was going to die.  This isn?t 
fair to either of you.?

?Xan-? Spike tried to speak, but Xander didn?t give 
him a chance.

?No!  You don?t want this.  You?re just putting up 
with it because you?re 
scared.  But as soon as you get over that, you?re 
going to realize that 
you?re stuck in a situation that you hate because I?m 
too weak to make up my 
mind.?  Xander closed his eyes.  ?Just stop and get 
out of here now, both of 
you.?  It would tear him apart when they left, but 
better it happen now then 
later.  Losing them now would be nothing compared to 
what he would feel when 
they figured out that they couldn?t live with him 
loving both of them.  
Right now they were willing to put up with his fucked 
up heart, but how long 
could that last?  When they recovered from the fear of 
nearly losing him, 
they?d walk away and leave him and he didn?t want to 
feel that, couldn?t 
stand even contemplating it.

?No.?  A single word spoken by two voices.

Xander opened his eyes.  ?Go,? he said.  ?I don?t want 
you here.?

?Shame about that,? Spike said, sitting down on the 
edge of the bed.  
?Because there?s nowhere else I want to be.?

Graham sat down on the other side of the bed.  ?I feel 
the same way, Xander. 
  I?m not going anywhere.  We?re going to find a way 
to work this out.?

Xander shook his head stubbornly.  ?You?re both 
crazy.?

?Probably,? Spike agreed.  ?But we?ll worry about that 
later, too.  Right 
now, you?re going to finish this juice and sleep.?  He 
picked up the glass 
and held it out to Xander.

Xander didn?t want to take it, didn?t want to take 
anything from either of 
them at that point, but his mouth was dry and the 
glass was half-full so he 
snatched it anyway.  He drank it quickly and shoved 
the glass back at Spike. 
  If the vampire was going to make him drink it, the 
vampire could also pick 
up after him.

Spike took the glass and placed it back on the night 
stand.  ?Get some rest, 
and when you wake up I?ll give you something to deal 
with the headache.?  He 
reached for Xander and ignored his resistance, pulling 
him into a tight 
embrace.  ?Almost lost you, luv,? the vampire 
murmured.  ?Don?t think I?ve 
ever been so scared.?  He turned his face and kissed 
Xander?s neck, his jaw, 
his cheekbone.  He leaned back and stared into 
Xander?s eyes.  ?We?re going 
to make things all right again, Xander.  I promise you 
that.?  A brief kiss 
to his lips and then Spike released him and stood up.

Before Xander had a chance to react to Spike?s 
actions, Graham was there, 
one hand brushing over the top of Xander?s hair and 
the other sliding around 
his waist, pulling him into another hug.  He nuzzled 
at Xander?s ear for a 
moment before whispering, ?I felt something inside me 
start to curl up and 
die when I realized that I might not ever see you 
again.  I know what?s 
important now, Xander.  It was almost too high a 
price, but I know now.  I?m 
staying here and we?re going to make things right.  I 
swear we will.?  He 
brushed a kiss against the corner of Xander?s mouth 
and stood as well.  
?We?ll talk when you wake up.?

Xander sank deeper into the mattress as weariness 
tugged at him.  He wanted 
to believe them, wanted so badly to trust in their 
voices and their touches 
and the way they held his gaze as though he was the 
only thing in the world 
that mattered.  As he gave into sleep, Xander decided 
to believe for a 
little while.  It couldn?t hurt to pretend for a few 
moments that everything 
would work out.  The last thing he was aware of as he 
drifted off was the 
sight of two men hovering at his bedside as though to 
stand sentry for him 
even in his dreams.

*****