Who am I?
Part III: The Search for Who am I?

Parker Posey. A gun. An obsession with Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis. Put them all together, and you have the best movie ever made, The House of Yes. Put your hands down. I don't want to hear what you have to say, because I've heard it before: "But Casablanca is a classic." "But The Wizard of Oz is adored by millions." "But Titanic is the biggest grossing movie of all time...so far." Yadda, yadda, yadda. No movie has ever come close to making Thanksgiving so deliciously, deviantly dysfunctional. Not even close. Home for the Holidays, a different film about a family during Thanksgiving, is a decent movie. It was directed by Jodie Foster, whom I adore and one day intend to impress, but she could never have put enough savvy into the picture to make it click the way The House of Yes does. Trust me on this one. Sadly, The House of Yes is an art film, meaning that only about 20 people have ever seen it (I think they were all in the theatre with me), which is unfortunate. This also means that there are almost no House of Yes webpages out there which I can point out to you. Most of them are just reviews of the movie, which, believe you me, isn't enough. You need to see this film to truly appreciate it in all its psychotic glory. It came out on video on April 14, 1998, so go to your local Blockbuster or other video rental store, and say "I want to take a tour of The House of Yes!!!"

Update: 7/8/98. I've just received my House of Yes movie poster in the mail. It is beautiful and I love it dearly. If you'd like your own House of Yes poster, or a poster from your own favorite movie of all time, I fully recommend using Rick's Movie Graphics. Not only can you order over the internet without needing to use your credit card, but I received my beloved House of Yes poster from Rick's a mere TWO DAYS after the shipping date, even after being told it would take five to seven days to ship. God bless America.

Update: 10/24/98. My copy of the movie The House of Yes has arrived. I want to weep openly. It is a wonderful film that I bought on-line (of course) from Reel.com. Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Update: 06/08/99. This is not a drill. The House of Yes is available from Amazon.com in DVD. Dude. Like. Dude. Dude! I repeat, this is not a drill. I am calm. I am calm. Deep, cleansing breaths. I am Jack's inexhaustible sense of serenity....

In the not too distant future, next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Joel, not too different than you or me.
He worked in a satellite loading bay
Just polishing switches to pay his way.
He did his job well with a cheerful face
But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space.

So began the saga of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the show that has you watching guys watch movies. The wisecracking human and two even-more-wisecracking robots reference everything from Jean-Paul Sartre to Howard Hesseman. You won't catch everything the first time around, which is why I suggest you tape each and every episode and watch it again at a later date, like I do. I will admit, though, that as of late I've been slacking off in the recording department, due to equipment difficulties.

<SARCASM>Thanks a million for having that wonderful VCR, m0nk!</SARCASM>

Update: 6/10/99. Sadly, the Suits at the Sci-Fi Channel have decided that MST3K, as we fans affectionately called it, was too expensive to upkeep, and so has swiftly and heartlessly canceled it. A rescue by a Benevolent Network Executive seems dubious. In the final moments, I must thank Best Brains and those who helped to make the show the wonderful experience it was. They made us laugh, they made us cry, they educated us on sodium (if you consider a song whose only lyrics are the word "sodium" sung over and over again to a 50's do-wop kind of melody "educating") and lemurs (they don't panel well). Thank you, guys. You brought people together in unity against bad filmmaking. If only you had more time to do it to modern bad filmmaking, well, we'd all be peas in a pod then.

He's a tall, gawky, freckled Irish boy with blue eyes and red hair. Who'd have thought he'd be the best innovation in late night talk show history? One man did. When Lorne Michaels decided to put a scrappy young unknown named Conan O'Brien into David Letterman's shoes, many thought that he'd made the worst career move of his life. They were wrong. Lorne Michaels's worst career move was, of course, the movie Coneheads. Needless to say, Conan did for late night broadcast television what HBO did for late night premium cable. He made it worth staying up past your bedtime. What other talk show will tell you exactly what's going to happen in the year 2000? (Hint: After exhausting every possible name in existence, the National Weather Service will resort to naming all new hurricanes "That Filthy Wet Son of a Bitch.") The Official Late Night with Conan O'Brien site is owned and operated by NBC, and you can find some choice selections from previous comedy bits there, as well as upcoming guests. Conan O'Brien has some pretty strong followers on the internet, one of whom is Damone, who's as big a Conan fan as they come. Damone's Home Page has great links and resources about Conan, including information on how to join the efforts of the internet community to let them keep their Conan websites up, and to bring back the "good" opening sequence where Conan is riding his bike through the Museum of Natural History. Join the cause. Fight the noble fight.

Update: 7/28/98. Did you know that Conan was in Coneheads, but his scene was cut from the theatrical release? Too bad. His presence might have made it a better picture.

You fascinate me