Logan swore to himself as he rummaged through the last of the toolboxes in the mansion garage.  Who'd have thought Mr.
"Neat-As-A-Pin-With-Everything-In-It's-Place" would've managed to hide his keys  so well.  He stared longingly at Scott Summers' motorcycle, the keys  to which were the object of his search.  It was really sort of funny;  Cyclops used to just leave the keys with the bike, since it would  take someone with a sledgehammer (or mutant pulverizing power) to  break into the garage from the outside.  But now, Ol' Tightass had  evidently decided that the biggest threat came from within, and that
left Wolverine without his favorite mode of transportation.  "Guess I  purloined the damn thing once too often." Logan muttered, and headed back into the mansion.

Now, the question was where to hunt for Cyclops' keys and still avoid  running into Cyclops.  Logan wandered the halls aimlessly until Ororo  Monroe came out of one of the classrooms with an armload of essays.   On a whim, he exclaimed, "Hey, Storm, you seen Cyclops anywhere?"

"I saw him heading down to the infirmary, why?"

"Uh, Jean was looking for him."

"I guess she found him; he was with her."

"Oh, okay." Logan gave Storm a little wave, "Have fun grading  papers," he added nonchalantly, and headed back down the hall. *Okay,  so Cyke's downstairs with the redhead, that leaves the upstairs for  me to explore.*

He left their bedroom as a last resort—somehow the idea of rifling  through Scott and Jean's underwear didn't exactly appeal to
Wolverine, *well, Jean's might be fun, but I doubt Cyclops'd hide the  keys in them.*  Instead, Logan found a likely target, a little den that served as Scott's office in the school.  The door was unlocked,  and he slipped inside to find a room so perfectly organized that it  made the Library of Congress look cluttered.  There were several keys, hanging on nails from the bookshelf covering one wall, but the motorcycle key wasn't among them.  Gritting his teeth in disappointment, Logan absently glanced over the books.  The Collective Works of Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, several dozen plays and classics that Logan had never heard of, Webster's Dictionary, English to French Dictionary, English to Spanish Dictionary, French to Spanish, Spanish to French,  The Elements of Grammar, The Elements of Writing Style, War and Peace, The entire Encyclopedia Britannica, The Disciplined Mind *hah! If that guy got any more disciplined,he'd be a robot!* and Today's English Grammar and Composition.

"He has no life.  He REALLY has no life." Wolverine muttered in disbelief and turned his attentions to Scott's desk.

Top drawer: six perfectly sharpened pencils, four pens, the keys…to the other drawers.  Damn!

Second drawer: English essays and English gradebook.  No keys.

Third drawer:  French tests, Spanish tests, French and Spanish  gradebooks.  No keys.

Fourth drawer: Mechanics assignments, two Mechanics books, Mechanics gradebook.  No keys.

Fifth drawer: a Discman and some CD's—hey!  Logan leafed through them.  Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, the Boston Philharmonic—this was  ridiculous!  Hey, wait a minute…BRITNEY SPEARS?!?!  There was a post-
it note stuck to that one: "Return to Bobby next Friday."  *Aw, man,  I thought I had something!*  Still no keys.

Sixth drawer—locked.  He unlocked it to find nothing inside except  what looked like one of those self-help books that never seemed to go  out of style.  "Let me guess, Chicken Soup for the Mutant Soul."

Logan turned it over and gaped.  The title read You Suck, by J.J.  Sharpe.  "What the hell?!" This just didn't add up to
Cyke's taste in  literature.  He opened the book and smothered a laugh; on the inside  cover was written, "You need a little spice in your reading  material.  This should help.  Love, Jean."

Logan closed the book, laughing, "I knew there was no way he'd have  bought that."  He put the book back and started to close the drawer,  then rearranged it with the title facing down, the same way he had  found it.  Slim would be the one to notice something like that.

Wolverine ambled down the hall toward the Summers-Grey bedroom only  to find it occupied by both of its residents.  "To hell with it,  looks like I'm taking one of the cars," he grumbled and headed back  to the garage.
 

Part II:  Lily Page's Tavern…

Several miles from the mansion, Wolverine found what he'd really been  wanting, a bar that served decent beer.  Adding yet another thing to  the List of Ways that Boy Scout Summers Annoys Me, he thought.  Won't  let me have beer on school grounds.  The bartender, a blonde woman in  her fifties, eyed him with a smile, "Ya new around here, hon?"

"Yeah." Logan twirled his long neck idly.

"Workin'?" she asked conversationally.

"I live at a school down the road."

"Professor Xavier's school?" she asked, sounding  surprised.  When he  nodded, she winked, "I get some of his kids in here now and then.  I  really oughta check ID's, but as long as they're just experimentin',  I don't see the harm."

Logan laughed, imagining Cyke's reaction if he knew the kids were  sneaking down to here to experiment with alcohol.  "I hope you keep  an eye on them.  They're novices."

"Oh yeah, sweetie, don't worry.  Sometimes they come once, get  `emselves drunk enough for a hangover and never come back again.  I  figure it's a public service," she shared a chuckle with Logan,  "Teaches `em a little cause and effect.  Hell, some of the `em are  still there teaching at the school now."

Logan blinked, "Really?"  He tried to think if anyone other than the  "X-men" and the Professor taught at the school, "Which of
the  teachers came in here?"

"Well, that was a few years back, and they only came once, but I  remember `em." Lily snorted, "It was right after I bought
this  place." She frowned thoughtfully, "There was…lemme see, that lovely  redheaded girl on her way to medical school, a black girl with white  hair, and…oh yeah…" she snapped her fingers and grinned, "that  handsome young man with the red sunglasses."

Logan choked and nearly spit his beer out.  "Wh-what?!"  Lily looked  at him in surprise, and he repeated, "A guy with red sunglasses?  Are  you sure?"

She frowned at him, "Yeah, why?  You know him?"

Logan took a long swig of his beer, "Yeah, I think so.  I just… wouldn't have expected him to be the drinking type."

Lily laughed, "Well, I didn't think he was either.  He seemed a  little nervous,  but he loosened up pretty damn fast after he'd
had a  few.  He never took those sunglasses off either.  Wonder if he was  afraid somebody'd recognize him."

Logan fought the urge to guffaw.  Cyclops drinking; what a funny  thought.  "Was his name Scott, by any chance?"

"I don't quite recall, but he definitely still lives at the school.   I've seen him riding by on that motorcycle of his.  He
must've been  around nineteen at the time." She smiled slyly at Wolverine, "Hasn't  been back since either."

It was worth not getting the keys to the bike to hear this story,  "Don't tell me he got drunk enough for a hangover!"

"Oho, honey, they all got pretty smashed.  I wouldn't let `em go home  till the next morning.  I don't recall which one passed out
first,  but none of `em were what you and I would call `experienced.'"

This time, Logan did guffaw.  Jean, Ororo, and Mr. Straight-and- Narrow Scott Summers getting falling-down drunk.  "My God, what I  wouldn't give to have seen that!"
 

Part III:  The mansion, later that evening…

Wolverine was thrilled to have a weapon of revenge against Cyclops for hiding the motorcycle keys.  Arriving back at the mansion, he  couldn't wait to rub that little story in Cyke's face.  And in the  kitchen just after dinner, Scott provided him with a golden  opportunity.  "Where were you all afternoon?"

Keeping his face as blank as possible, Wolverine replied "Went out  for a drink at Lily Page's Tavern."

There was a long pause, "Oh."

Logan raised his eyebrows at Cyclops and demanded, "What, no  lecture?  Weellll, I guess that would be a little hypocritical,
wouldn't it?"

Until that point, Jean and Ororo had been cleaning up, but both of  them froze at Logan's comment.  As for Scott, he cleared his
throat  and muttered, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Logan leaned back in his seat and drawled, "It's just that the bar's  namesake mentioned to me that a certain `handsome young man with red  sunglasses'" he mimicked Lily's faintly Southern accent, "once came  into her saloon and got a bit tanked."

Scott turned as red as his glasses, Storm groaned, and Jean grinned  sheepishly, "I guess we should've figured that you'd be
the one to  find out about that."

Gleefully, Wolverine pressed his advantage, "Lily told me you all  knocked yourselves out.  Whatsa matta, Cyclops, couldn't hold your  beer?"

"I was a kid." Scott replied, aware that Logan finally had something  to hold over him, and not liking it.

Jean seemed chagrined, but willing to grin and bear it, "It was  Scott's idea, actually."

"What?!" Logan exclaimed, choking on a howl of laughter.

Scott glared at his fiancé as if to say, Whose side are you on? and  Jean brushed his scowl aside with a wave of her hand, "Relax.  You  said yourself, we were kids.  We were all entitled to a little youth  rebellion."

"I should've known better."  He answered stubbornly.

"What about me?  I was older than you!" Jean retorted, grinning at  the memory, "I didn't raise a single objection."

"Was he the first one down?" Logan asked eagerly.

Storm laughed and said, "Well, he didn't win, but he didn't lose  either."

"Really?  Who lost?"  Logan was surprised.

Looking abashed, she admitted, "I did.  Scott was down second and  Jean won out.  At least that's what they told me the next
day."  Glaring playfully at the snickering Jean, she added, "Hey now, I  would have outlasted both of you if I hadn't been so
ambitious!"

"What do you mean, `ambitious?'" Wolverine just couldn't seem to form  the image of a drunk Ororo in his mind.

She shrugged, blushing, "I tried drinking tequila.  Those two were  only drinking beer," she pointed out with a mocking gesture at Jean  and Cyclops, "If I'd stuck to beer, I could have stayed conscious  longer than Jean, and I'd definitely have outlasted the Virgin Liver  over there."

"Hey!" Scott exclaimed, but for the first time, he began grinning  too, "It's not necessary to go into that much detail."

Logan chortled behind his hand, but Jean replied, "Detail?  At least  she didn't tell him how plastered you were after only one
beer!"

"I was NOT plastered!" Cyke blurted out as Logan roared with  laughter.  He kept trying to give both women dirty looks, but the  conversation had triggered his previously-believed-nonexistent sense  of humor, and a grin broke through.  Then he admitted, "I was…just a  little tipsy."

That set all of them laughing, "You see?  You have to do something  illegal, outrageous, and stupid at least once during your youth so  you'll have something to laugh at when you're older." Jean declared,  sitting down next to Scott.

Scott shook his head, still embarrassed, but he added, "I'll never  forget the professor's face when we came home nursing the mother of  all hangovers."

Wolverine snorted, and Jean buried her face in Scott's shoulder to  smother her giggling, "D'you suppose he could hear our
thoughts when we were drunk?" Storm mused.

"Good God, I hope not!"

"What thoughts?  I don't remember having any!"

"I'm surprised you remember anything at all, Cyke." Logan snorted.

"Look, I wasn't that inexperienced."

"Had you ever had a drink before then?  No?  Got news, Bub, they  don't come more inexperienced than that."

"I wasn't even twenty-one.  You're supposed to be inexperienced at  that age."

"Hah!  Like having one party night makes you experienced.  You'd  still get plastered after one beer."

"That's ridiculous!  I'm older, I'm more responsible—"

"—And it's been years since you've had a single drink!  You've got no  more tolerance than a thirteen-year-old!"

"Don't ya love it when the testosterone starts flowing, Storm?  Now  they're arguing about their drinking prowess."

"At least they're not arguing about their sexual prowess."

"I may not be a seasoned drinker, but that doesn't mean I can't—WHAT  did you say, Storm!?" Cyclops broke off and stared at the normally  reserved Ororo in astonishment.

"Don't try and change the subject," Wolverine said gleefully, "I  could drink bourbon while you were drinking beer, and I'd still
last  longer than you!"

They locked eyes and Storm glanced over at Jean, "Am I thinking what  you're thinking?"

"`Fraid so."

"Oh no."

Part IV:  Lily Page's Tavern, even later that evening…

Lily Page, the proprietress of Lily Page's Tavern, was enjoying the  peace and quiet of a slow evening when the most interesting patrons  she'd had in a long time came through the door.  "Dear Lord, I  expected that you'd come back," she said to Wolverine, "But I never  imagined I'd see the three of you again."

"Neither did we." Jean said with a smile, but then she grimaced,  "Were we so bad that you remember us?"

"Have no fear, sweetie, I remember every first-timer.  I spot `em the  minute they walk through the door; they're the ones who look like  they're afraid Mommy and Daddy are gonna show up."  Logan laughed  aloud and Lily gestured to the bar stools, "You want a booth, or is  the bar good enough?"

Scott went for the booth, but Logan pulled up a stool, so Cyclops  turned and sat challengingly next to him.  Lily served up the first  round—beer for Jean, Storm, and Cyclops, and bourbon on the rocks for  Logan.  Logan raised his glass in a mocking toast, "May the best  boozer win!"  He deliberately quaffed a generous mouthful, taunting  Scott who'd only taken a sip.  The youngest X-man caught Wolverine's  scornful expression and took a large swig from his bottle.  Logan  eyed Cyclops' outwardly straight face with veiled amusement, knowing  Scott must've felt that draught all the way down.  Too bad he was
so  good at keeping a straight face—wait!  His ears turned red!  Logan  looked away to hide his laughter.  This promised to be an extremely  amusing evening.

"I seem to remember you drinking something a little stronger last  time, hon." Lily commented to Ororo.

Storm firmly shook her head, tightening her grip on her bottle, "Thanks, but I'll stick to beer this time.  And I WILL last
longer  than you!" she added, glaring playfully at Jean.

"We'll see about that!"

"Best of luck, ladies!" Logan said, raising his glass to them and  taking another drink, forcing Scott to do the same.

"D'you suppose the kids are wondering where we are?" Jean asked.

"We've all gone out together before." Storm replied, unconcerned.

"That's true, they'll think we're off on some `mission' to save the  world." Logan chuckled, "It'd never cross their minds
that the noble  X-men might be out swilling alcohol."

"It shouldn't.  We have a reputation to maintain."

"Maybe YOU do, Cyke."

"Oh, lighten up, Scott, everyone needs to let loose once in awhile."  Jean said dismissively, then grinned past her fiancé at Logan and  saluted him with her long neck, "Bottoms up!"

A couple of beers later…

Hic!

"Jean?  You okay?"

"Just fine, Logan." (Hic!) "Damn." Jean and Storm erupted into  giggles.

"I guess what they say about getting the hiccups when you're drunk  really is true!" Storm laughed.

"Did you get the hiccups?" Logan asked her.

"Are you kidding?  Three shots and I was out cold!"

Scott burst out laughing, "Thank God.  That tequila was the only thing that saved me from eternal humiliation of being the first to
pass out!"

"Ain't nothin' gonna save ya tonight, Bub!"

"Oh yeah?  Bring it on!" Scott blinked several times behind his  sunglasses, "Hey, Lily, another round for me and the tipsy
redhead!"

"The wha'?" Jean gulped the last of her beer and drew herself up,  "Excuse me, sweetheart, I may be tipsy, but you're just plain
drunk!"

"I'm not!  Not yet anyway."

Storm let out a whoop of laughter and slapped the bar surface, "Give  `em a couple more, Lily, and he'll have his hand up her
shirt!"

Wolverine choked on his bourbon and leaned over to tap on Storm's  forehead, "You've got a dirty little mind in there!"

"I don't remember you being this rowdy last time." Cyclops said to  Storm, his hand on Jean's thigh.

"Tha's because I didn't have time to get rowdy.  A few shots and—"  Storm mimed hitting herself over the head dramatically.  "No sir,  this time I'm gonna get as bombed as the rest of ya."

"Gonna?  You're already bombed!" Logan declared, by no means cold  sober himself.

"I-am-not-bombed!" Ororo exclaimed, punctuating each word with a  thump on the bar, "I'm just a little befududdled.  I need a
couple  more before I'm really intosicated." She tried to take a drink from  her bottle and discovered it was empty, "Whoops!  Hey Lily!"

Several more beers later…

"I am not!" Scott drew himself up with pumped-up dignity on the bar  stool, "I am perfectly steady!"

Storm doubled over laughing, pounding on the bar before she pointed  at Cyclops and exclaimed, "Boy, you are sooooo drunk!" She punctuated  the statement with a sweeping gesture that swung her stool in a  complete circle and caused Logan and Jean to duck.  (Even though Jean  was on the opposite side of Cyclops.)

"I am sooooo not drunk!" Scott retorted in an unintentional imitation  of Ororo's tone.

That sent Jean laughing hysterically and hiccuping even harder,  pointing at both of them and waggling her finger helplessly.  Lily
Page was cleaning an array of empty bottles, watching the dialogue.   Scott noticed and jerked his head at Jean, "`Scuse her, Lily, she's  jus' a lil' ineber-inebro…she's just a lil drunk."

Logan seriously shook his head, "She's not very sober."

"No." Storm agreed solemnly.

"I am a little bit wasted." Jean announced, leaning heavily on her  equally-soused fiancé's shoulder.  Cyke seemed to think that
called  for a toast and chinked his bottle against Wolverine's glass,  spilling beer into the hard liquor.

"Hey, don' dilute it!" Logan exclaimed, but downed the contents  anyway and motioned rapidly at Lily for a refill, "Ya know, Bub,  someone's gonna hafta pass out sometime along here sometime!"

"Well it ain't gonna be me if tha's what yer wondering!" Scott  replied, pointing his bottle at Wolverine, "I'll show you I
can hold  my liquor!" He waggled the bottle in Logan's face, spilling some of  the beer.

"That stuff's s'posed to go in yer mouth, Scotty-boy!"

"Pay `tention to yer own alc'hol, blub!"

"You couldn't handle thisss stuff."

"What is it?  Still bourbon?"

"Nah, stupid, bourbon's not clear.  It's Guzzler's gin.  Wanna try
it?"

"No, no, no, I still got some brain cells left, bub!" Scott declared,  throwing up a hand in rejection, "I'm nod gonna let you drink
me  unner the table."

"You should try it.  You'd like it.  It's a nice smoooooth drink!"

"Forget it." Cyclops took a large swig of beer instead.

"Suit yaself, bub!" Logan replied and both finished their drinks and  called for another round.

Jean had the hiccups again, and Scott tried to cure them by slapping  her on the back.  "Did thad help?"

"I don' think so, but thanks anyway, Scott-clops."

"Don' mention it."

"Ya know?" Logan mused, waiting until Cyke turned around to face him.

"What do I know?"

"Not a whole helluva lot, but I was just thinking thatcha don' have  muchuva life, do ya?" Wolverine took a snort of gin.

"Whaddaya talkin' about!  I have a life!"

"No ya sure don't!"  Logan replied smugly, "I seen in yer bookshelf  and yer desk in yer office and you got nothing interesting ad
all!"

Scott smacked his fist on the bar and drew himself up drunkenly,  "What the hell were you doin' in my office?!"

"I was lookin' fer your keys an' ya know what, Scotty-boy?" Logan  drew himself up to eye-level with Cyclops, "I couldin' find
`em!  All  I found was a book called You Suck by J.J. Sharpe that Jean gave you  `cause I guess SHE thinks you have no life too!"

"Now tha's not true!" Jean exclaimed, shoving her beau clean off his  bar stool so she could point a finger directly in Logan's face, "I do  not think he `as no life!  Don't you listen to him, Scott-clops,  tha's not why I gave you that book!"

Storm was watching the argument with great interest and finally  asked, "Weeeelll, why didja give `im the book then?"

"It's a slatire!" Jean replied, "It was funny an' he thought id was  funny too.  So don't-you-go-makin'-fun of
`im-because-of-thad-book!"  she ordered Logan, poking him in the shoulder with each word.

"Yeah!" Scott agreed, jumping back onto the stool, "What she said!   An' ya know what J.J. Sharpe says?  You suck!"  He pointed his long  neck again and splashed beer down the front of Wolverine's shirt.

Lily Page glanced at the clock, wondering how much longer they could  keep at it before someone crashed.  By then all four X-men were too  inebriated to have any scruples left.  "I still think you `ave no  life!  Hey!" Logan pointed over his shoulder at the lit pool table,  "I'll betcha don' even know how to play pool!"

"Welll…….no." Scott replied, and over Logan's snort and Storm's loud  guffaw, he snapped, "But I bet I could learn it an' be real good ad  it if I wanted to!"

"Brig it on then!  Hey, Lily, we need another round an' we're gonna  shoot some pools."

"Have fun," the barkeep answered dubiously, but she was chuckling  behind her hand as she grabbed three more beers and another gin.   Those four kids were going to be sick as dogs tomorrow morning!

next part