Greenpeace Threaten To Kidnap Bush If He Doesn't Sign Kyoto Treaty  

Greenpeace have stated that if American president George W. Bush does not sign the Kyoto Treaty (which must guarantee the survival of humankind), they will kidnap Bush when he least suspects it. The U.S. say: "Splendid, we will hand him over a.s.a.p. We will never sign the Kyoto thingy. We don't give a rat's ass about the rest of the world." Tabloid rumours suggest that the real reason president Bush will not sign is that he doesn't know how to hold a pen.

Business

Gluctagookah Plastics To Recycle Lost Ballpoints

Glucktagooka Plastics from Peru, South America, are proud to announce that they are going to recycle lost ballpoints. Says Gluktagukaa Plastics' public relations manager Quicho: "Every year, millions of ballpoints are lost. We are going to track them down and recycle the ballpoint's plastic parts. Doing this, we not only help the environment, we also save a lot of hard bucks on raw materials. First, we send the ballpoints to schools in Africa. As soon as a ballpoint is empty, they send it back to us. Then, we recycle it." It may happen in the future that toothbrushes will also be recycled. "Who knows how many of them are forgotten all over the world. And they are really useful for poor Africans who can afford almost nothing."

Science

Researchers Discover Causes Of Boredom

After a four-year research by a group of accountants and administrative employees, it is discovered exactly what causes severe cases of boredom. The results are published in 'This Is Boring'. Says one of the researchers: "The main conclusion of our research is that boring researches lead to an overall boredom. Luckily, our team consisted of boring people, else the research would have led to a severe case of boredom. Wow, this is exactly what Einstein meant by relativity. With the same amount op boringness, boring people get less bored than less boring people. I have to call my mum and tell her this immediately."

Entertainment

Bruce Springsteen Dances In Dark - Breaks Leg

Mister Springsteen, born in the U.S.A., is a well known musician for everybody aged 40 and over. Two days ago, he had an anniversary party in his secret garden when suddenly the sun was eclipsed by the moon. Springsteen, still dancing, got disoriented and fell off the roof of his penthouse. As a result he broke his left leg, lost consciousness and lay on the ground a couple of hours. Luckily, his wife got home early that night and called an ambulance. Nobody knows if Bruce will ever be able to sing.

Sports

FC Zwepsuk Score 102 Goals, Doesn't Fit On Scoreboard

Swiss amateur football club Zwepsuk have scored 102 goals against poor FC Trubwear. Half of them were penalties, six Trubwear players were sent off. The scoreboard could not display an ammount of over 99 goals. So the counter went zero when it should have went 100. Trubwear scored three countergoals. With the score being 2 - 3, FC Trubwear say they theoretically won. Zwepsuk deny this and are planning to go to court.

Editorials