Yes folks, it's true: there's a real war going on in Afghanistan. A war where planes bomb targets on the ground, where soldiers shoot at the enemy. That is all we know about this war so far. Hopefully they will make a movie about it some day, with perhaps Steve Martin starring as Osama Bin Laden.

Wrong translation tape Bin Laden

It has been said that the recent video showing Osama Bin Laden has been mistranslated. In reality, he is said to be talking about the beauty of his new secretary - her pleasing figure and tall blond hair - etcetera.

Taliban not offended by texts on bombs and rockets US

"Hard words break no bones," says Taliban Chief of Healthy Sandwiches, Hassan Al-Achmed.

Jalalabad still not totally destroyed

It is confirmed by citizens of Jalalabad that their town is not completely wiped off the map. "Some houses are still intact. We have painted them red so they are more visible. Let's hope the US Air Force aren't lazy and will come back to finish the job." Why the people of Jalalabad are so keen to have the whole town destroyed can only be guessed at. "We didn't like it here anyway," says the local mayor.

Giuliani terrorist of the year

Now let me explain this. We don't want Osama to win anything at all. So I chose Giuliani (mayor of New York) as the terrorist of the year, since he is also Time's Person of the Year. It is pretty easy, actually.
 
 

Sports

Kissing butt new sport Olympics

The Olympic Comity have declared that kissing butt is now officially an Olympic sport. There are several variations on this theme, such as dwarfs kissing giant's butt. There's also butt-kissing the unwilling, butt-kissing the eager, butt-kissing to get a better job and butt-kissing out of compassion with the subject.

Harry Potter

I still don't understand why so many people like Harry Potter. Who cares about an annoying boy with stupid glasses and witch outfit. It won't be long or Harry Potter will become Harry Train-spotter, doing all sorts of drugs. Because that's what celebrities do when they are famous and rich. Isn't it more heartbreaking to see some kid who happens to have magical powers (don't we all have the Force?) lying in the gutter with a needle in his arm, than to watch him on the big screen playing the noble and unselfish king of nerds?

And now Harry is also in another blockbuster, called 'The Lord of the Rings'. Only he is not wearing glasses. Like one film is not enough. We could all just go to 'Harry Porter and the Stones' and that would be enough. But now we also have to visit 'Bored of the Rings'. And there will be lots of sequels to come and watch in the cinemas. Three short bleeps, three long ones and again three short bleeps - Save Our Souls!

L.S.,

I would like to offer you the chance to get a life. I mean, maintaining this page is not what I call useful. You hardly get five visitors a day who look at your page no longer than twenty seconds. Am I right? Please correct me if I'm wrong. But I know I am right. Anyway, we would like to invite you to a terrorist training in Libya. We will train you to write terrorist texts, propaganda, subtitles for videos and your own death sentence. And best of all, it's all free. We ask one thing of you: don't talk to anyone about this. I hope you will submit yourself soon. Thanks,

Youssef Alan de Vries.