NEPAL - Edward Paul Shimmers was born on November 19th 1939. As a little boy he often crawled to the fields behind his father's farm. Father Edgar James Shimmers and his wife Ellen Joe Shimmers-Hayley knew that he would one day become a great explorer. Until they found out that there was no Terra Incognita left to explore on Earth. Word has it that it happened during an exchange program or something. That was also the first time they ever saw black people. Edward was not very good at school. But he was the strongest and toughest guy in his native village Manurtown. Young Edward was secretly in love with his school teacher, who was later arrested for setting Jo Betty's farm on fire. Anyway, yesterday Edward accidentally climbed Mount Everest in his search for a lost sheep.

Rastafarian Conspiracy: McSpaceCake Sold in Jamaican McDonald's

JAMAICA - A McDonald's in Jamaica is selling McSpaceCakes to children as young as three years old. The restaurant is run - coincidence? - by a Rastafarian, called Bobby Kingson. As everybody knows, Rastafarians smoke weed. Says Kingson: "Yo man, what's wrong with a little weed for them youngsters? Relax, man! I use weed ever since I found out it existed, and look what has become of me!"

Research: Gay Abnormalities Less Appreciated By Mescaline-Abusing Pitbull Dogs

MONTGOMERY - The outcome of an intensive and expensive research supports the sociologist theory that gay abnormalities, especially male fashion designers, are extremely less appreciated by pitbull dogs who are addicted to mescaline. Governor of Alabama, John Budd, said: "Anything that can be done to stop this disadvantage will be considered."

Male Fashion Designer Bitten By Pitbull

MONTGOMERY - Famous fashion designer Aussie Jenkins (36) was bitten by a pitbull out of control yesterday. Jenkins, looking for inspiration in Alabama, was visiting its capital Montgomery, when he stumbled upon a little pitbull dog, called Boris. When he extended his left arm to stroke Boris, the pitbull bit it off with his jaws. It turned out that the dog was being treated for his midlife crisis with mescaline. Says Jenkins: "Fortunately the creature didn't bite off my right arm. I hope Boris gets well soon. Poor creature."

Mercy For Blind Mass-Murderer

NAIROBI - In Kenia, a judge has granted blind mass-murderer Arthur Makubo mercy. He decided to do so because of the fact that Makubo was blind, and didn't know who he was killing before he finally killed the right guy. Said Makubo: "It was never my intention to kill 157 men. That wouldn't make sense, would it? As you can see, I am blind, and still have difficulty distinguishing one man from the next. Of course, I'm very happy to be free now, and plan on seeing to it that other blind prisoners, who don't belong in jail either, are pardoned." For the murder of his intended victim, Makubo has already done his time (20 years).