Inspection Husayn Reveals Farting As His Only Biological Weapon

Inspection teams of the United Nations in Iraq have found that Saddam Husayn's only biological weapon is his farting. Saddam's ominous fart gasses can bridge a couple of meters. They are completely natural. So there is no threat to be feared by Israel or the United States of America. Chili con carne is Saddam's favourite meal. He likes to cook fancy haute cuisine food for his wife and children, says Iraq's Department of Propaganda & Make Believe. 

Business

Dutch Whores Do Not Need To Get Paid Anymore

In Amsterdam's red light district rumours are heard that the Dutch prostitutes do not need to get paid anymore by their clients. Says one of the whores, Lolita: "I think our salaries were too high in the past century. I mean, we like our work a lot. So that's why from now on we do not accept money for our services anymore. In fact, we are happy to have someone around while on the job." Men all over the world hope that whores in their own country will offer themselves for free too.

Science

Archeologists Uncover Useless Crap

Archeologists from Canada have found ancient artifacts that prove that Indians smoked weed almost all the time, millions of years ago. They assume this, because they found texts no longer than five lines - and it is a known fact that pot-smoking junkies have difficulty concentrating on something. They also found fossilized, stoned poop all over the place. Marihuana junkies tend to neglect themselves. They never wash. They don't go to war. That's why they didn't survive very long. 

Entertainment

Stand-up Comedian Paralysed By Lightning After Joke On Donar

Last Thursday night, Mike Level, a 42-year-old stand-up comedian, was hit by lightning. Earlier that evening, Level had a gig, during which he made a joke on Donar, god of thunder. For safety reasons, we will not repeat the joke here. Because the police suggest that Level's joke on Donar was punished by Donar himself, by making lightning hit Level in the spine and paralysing him unrepairably. Theologians say it was "sheer coincidence". They claim that Donar does not exist, let alone that he is watching us. He has better things to do.  

Sports

Scrimmage Makes Heavyweight Rugby Player Weep

A 34-year-old quarterback named Bobby of Halifax Rugby Team is said to have been weeping. This odd incident was caused by a scrimmage. Bobby is said to have cried: "I want my mummy!" several times before he ran off the field. Team mates confirm that Bobby was absolutely not a sissy. Says Jones: "Bobby was death incarnate. He was the toughest son of a b*tch ever to be born in England. And that means a lot." Bobby was later found in his mother's house, where he beat the crap out of our intrusive reporter. So much for sentimentality and sensitivity. Back to the real world.

Editorials