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Remember this is not one of my collections... and unfortunately I don't have a reference to who it has been written by.
Q:How do you kill a red elephant?
A:With a red rifle...
Q:And a green elephant,how do you kill it?
Q:With a green rifle...?
A:No.You strangle its nose until he becomes red and then kill it with
the red rifle.
Q:And a yellow elephant?
A:No idea.
A:Take it on a rollercoaster till it turns green, then strangle it
until it turns red and kill it with the red rifle.
Q:How do you pass an elephant under the door?
A:Put it in an envelope and put it under the door.
Q:And if it doesn't fit?
A:Then you'll need to take off the stamp.
Q:How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
A:2 in the front, 2 in the back.
Q:How do you get 4 giraffes in a mini?
A:You can't. It's full of elephants.
Q:How do you get 2 whales in a mini?
A:Over the Severn Bridge.
Q:How do you know when an elephant's been in your fridge?
A:Footprints in the butter.
Q:How do you know when it's still in there?
A:The door won't shut.
Q:How do you know if there's 4 elephants in your fridge?
A:There's an empty mini parked outside!
Q:Why do elephants wear sandals in the desert?
A:To stop them sinking in the sand.
Q:Why do ostriches bury their heads in the sand?
A:To look for elephants that didn't wear sandals.
Q:How do you hide an elephant?
A:Send him into the desert without sanals.
Q:Give me another way of hiding an elephant.
A:Paint the bottom of his feet yellow and stand him upside down in a
bowl of custard.
Q:I've never seen an elephant standing upside down in a bowl of custard.
A:I told you it works.
Q:Give me a third way of hiding an elephant.
A:Paint its toenails red and hide it in a cherry tree.
Q:Why shouldn't you stand under a cherry tree between 2pm and 5pm?
A:The elephants are jumping down.
Q:Why are pygmies so short?
A:They stood under cherry trees between 2pm and 5pm.
I had an elephant in my cherry tree last week, which was unusual. You
don't often get elephants in Berkshire. Most of them are in Hampshire.
Anyhow, I called the local pest exterminator, urging him to come before
2pm. He arrived at noon with a ladder, a ferocious dog and a gun.
"I'm going to climb the ladder and shake the tree until the elephant
falls out," he said. "The dog is trained only to attack elephants and
humans and the moment the elephant hits the ground, the dog will maul it
to death." He handed me the gun.
"What's this for?" I asked.
"Sometimes the elephant pushes me off the ladder," he replied. "If
that happens, shoot the dog!"
Q:What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A:Big holes all over Australia.
Q:Which noise are Australians most afraid of?
A:BOING!!! BOING!!! BOING!!!
Q:Why are Koalas so short?
A:They didn't get out of the way when they heard the BOING!!!
Q:How do you know when there's an elephant in your bed?
A:BY the big E on his pyjamas.
Q:How do you know when there's 2 elephants in the bed?
A:Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q:How do you know when there's 4 elephants in your bed?
A:There's an empty mini on the bedside table.
Q:How do you know when there's been a sandstorm in your room?
A:There's an ostrich looking for the elephants.
Q:Why do elephants wear green felt hats?
A:So they can walk across snooker tables without being seen.
Q:Why are elephants wrinkly?
A:Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q:Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly?
A:If they were small, round and white, they'd be aspirins.
Q:What's grey, has 4 legs and a trunk?
A:A mouse going on holiday.
Q:What's brown, has 4 legs and a trunk?
A:A mouse coming back from its holiday.
Q:What's red, has 4 legs and a trunk?
A:A sunburnt elephant.
Q:Why couldn't the 2 elephants go swimming?
A:They only had 1 pair of trunks.
Q:How do you know if there's an elephant in your bath?
A:He's using his trunk as a snorkel.
Q:How do you know if there's 2 elephants in your bath?
A:All the water's on the floor.
Q:How do you know if there's 4 elephants in the bath?
A:There's an empty mini in the soap tray.
Q:What do you do if you see an elephant coming towards you at high speed?
A:Get out of the way!
Q:What do you do if you see 2 elephants coming towards you at high speed?
A:Make a trunk call and reverse the charges.
Q:What do you do if you see 4 elephants coming towards you at high speed?
A:Hope they know where the brakes are in a Mini.
Q:What do you do if you see 12 elephants coming towards you at high speed?
A:Don't worry, they're just refilming The Italian Job.
Q:What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant coming towards him at
high speed?
A:Aaaaaaaaaah.
Q:What did Tarzan say when he saw 2 elephants coming towards him at
high speed?
A:Here come the elephants.
Q:What did Jane say when she saw 2 elephants coming towards her at
high speed?
A:Here come the grapes ( she was colour blind! )
Q:Who is the best singer in the jungle?
A:Elephants Gerald.
Q:What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A:Time to get a new fence.
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