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"You know you're Asian if . . . "

1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
2. your dad is some sort of engineer.
3. your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you
   were 12 when you were really 15.
4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later =
   they're still lecturing.
5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
6. you shop 99 Ranch.
7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your
   ancestors were from.
8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly   
    Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.
11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage.".
12. you drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
14. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
15. at least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . . . ".
16. you know what bok choy is.
17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet
    doors.
19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls
    you. (e.g., Jean-ee-yah! or Mary-yah!).
20. you have NO eyelashes.
21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian
    languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc.
22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
23. the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was
    last night's dinner.
24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.
25. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.
26. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12
    midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even
    more.".
27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street
    in any given area as long as they are Asian.
28. an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?
    Well then, is it your sister?".
29. your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both.
30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!".
31. everyone thinks you're good at math.
32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's".
33. you like $1.75 movies.
34. you like $1.50 movies even more.
35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with
    fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in
    great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular
    lime green.
36. your parents insist you marry within your race.
37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation
    oriental food.
38. you either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to
    stay away from it.
39. your parents have never kissed you.
40. your parents have never kissed each other.
41. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your
    parents.
42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!".
43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.
44. you have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and
    Uncle.".
45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles.
46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your
    beverage and NEVER order dessert.
47. your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say
    "Eat it anyway.  It's still good.".
48. the vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick
    glasses.
49. you will most likely be taller than your parents.
50. your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.
51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't.
52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.
53. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones
    with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
54. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.
55. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael
    Chang).
56. the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet,
    the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
57. you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances
    in your pantry for use as medicine.
58. you own a rice cooker or two.
59. you buy soy sauce by the gallon.
60. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
61. your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to
    school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how
    much they still appreciated going.
62. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can
    "grow into it" and wear it for years to come.".

Q: How do you know when your house has been robbed by Asians?
A: Your dog's gone, and your homework is finished.

102 more ways to know if you are Chinese

1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse
the wrapping (and especially those bows) next  year.

2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.

3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 roll and store them   
in your closet or in  the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.

5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil

6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.

7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.

8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.

9. You have never used your dishwasher.

10. You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times.

11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.

12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.

13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin container.

14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

15. You always leave your shoes at the door.

16. You have a piano in your living room.

17. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.

18. You iron your own shirts.

19. You play a musical instrument.

20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).

21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.

22. You hate to waste food.
a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw   
away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
b. You have tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one
leftover chicken wing.

23. You don't own any real tupperware-- only a cupboard full of used but
carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.

24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.

25. You've eaten a red bean popsicle.

26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you   
visit peoples homes.

27. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every
time you stay in a hotel.

28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in
plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go   
to McDonalds.

29. Ditto paper napkins.

30. You never order room service.

31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel
means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
a. These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums,   
dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).

32. You own a rice cooker.

33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (Thats why you   
need the vinyl tablecloth).

35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin/oranges that   
their guests just brought just to be courteous.

36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.

38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.

39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding   
the dance floor trying to look cool.

40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old. (And they prefer
it that way).
a. If you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next   
door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.

41. You don't use measuring cups.

42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didnt pay tax.

43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.

44. Your parents house is always cold.

45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.

46. You reuse teabags.

47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write   
anymore.

48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman; if you're
over 20, you own a really expensive camera.

49. You mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club.

50. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling
Information costs 50 cents.

51. You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.

52. You're a wok user.

53. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.

54. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.

55. You like Chinese films in their orignal undubbed versions.
a. You love Chinese Martial Arts films.
b. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.

56. You have acquired a taste for bitter melon.

57. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.

58. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached--means
they fresh.

59. You never call your parents just to say hi.

60. You always cook too much.

61. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've
eaten, even if it's midnight.

62. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come
home.

63. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get   
sick.

64. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked
goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese)

65. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10
feet apart.

66. Your parents never go to the movies.

67. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.

68. You use a face cloth.

69. Your parents use a clothes line.

70. You're always late.

71. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last
piece of food on the table.

72. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat-sushi.

73. You've joined a CD club at least once.

74. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or   
electronics.

75. You never discuss your love life with your parents.

76. Your parents are never happy with your grades.

77. You save your old coke bottle glasses even though you're never going   
to use them again.

78. You keep used batteries.

79. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.

80. You keep most of your money in a savings account.

81. You know what MJ means.

82. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.

83. Your kitchen has every possible version of white Corelle Livingware   
in it.

84. Your kitchen has a large variety of small bowls

85. Your mother keeps corn starch in a glass jam jar

86. Your mother keeps sugar in another identically sized jar

87. Your father has installed an industrial strength exhaust fan in the
kitchen

88. If your major is English, people look at you funny.

89. You can bump into all your friends at the cinema on "cheap movie
night".

90. Every purchase justification ends with the phrase,  "It's good   
value".

91. You have enough chopsticks in the house for the entire province of
Hunnan

92. When invited for dinner, non-chinese friends wonder if you have
forks(Honestly, this happened.  I said "No, we don't".  He brought his   
own.
Two actually.  Hid them in his socks.  Seriously.)

93. You have a large selection of silverware in a cabinet that is rarely
used. (Boy did he feel stupid)

94. You own an autofocus camera with a zoom lens and a million features

95. You bring the camera to every major social event.

96. Photo sessions at major social events seem to take forever

97. All your friends have similar photos as you do from major social   
events

98. You hate being mistaken for a Japanese tourist

99. Especially by other Japanese

100. You've been to wedding receptions where you needed a map to find   
your table

101. You're sick and tired of shark fin soup and crab claws

102. During dinner conversation, you start timing how long it takes for
everyone to start comparing their mobile phones