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How To Handle Stress

Copyright 1993 Jason Mahoney

1. Jam 30 tiny marshmallows up you nose and try to squeeze them out.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget your diet and send yourself a candygram.
7. Make a list of things you've already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places
13. Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underware on the natives.
14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15. Buy a subscription to Sellzoid weekley and send it to your boss' wife.
16. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17. Drive to work in reverse.
18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones" during that important finance meeting.
19. Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
20. Refresh yourself, put your tounge on a cold steel guard rail.
21. Tell your boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.
22. Polish your car with earwax.
23. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
24. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
25. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
26. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
27. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
28. Lie on your back eating celery...using your naval as a salt dipper.
29. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
30. Make up a language and ask people for directions.