Remember this is not one of my jokes... and unfortunately I don't have a reference
to who it has been written by.
Dictionary of Computer Terms
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in
getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's
released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was
invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a
plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a
German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly
dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so
enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he
shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy
began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny
spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if
the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on
speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all
files that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to
place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable
name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file
cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet
gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is
unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that
can be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to
navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they
started from without learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as
intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable
junk.
Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of
variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three
main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red
light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of
high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons
and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires
who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever
gave them noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined
by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months
from it.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or
concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a
monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate
and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer
after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
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