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Annoying Help Desk Responses

COLUMN: The Gripe Line--Annoying Help Desk Responses
By Ed Foster
InfoWorld (US)	Category: User News & IT Management

     SAN MATEO (10/06/96) - Last week we had a chuckle or two over The Top 10 
Annoying Things Users Say When Calling the Help Desk, a list compiled by 
InfoWorld reader Rich Ellis and added to by participants in an InfoWorld 
Electric Reader Forum. But there are two sides to this coin, as we'll see this 
week. 
     Ellis, a fair and reasonable man, recognized that it's not just the users 
who are guilty of dumb or inappropriate behavior, so he supplied his Top 10 
Annoying Responses From the Help Desk. Of course, he had to admit the list 
didn't come as easily for him as the first one. In fact, he only came up with a 
Top Eight: 
     (8) "You say your computer won't turn on? Let's see... [flip flip flip]. 
Have you run ScanDisk?" 
     (7) "Hmmm... I think you should reinstall everything and try again. Call 
us back if it still doesn't work [click]." 
     (6) "Oh, you have the wrong department. You need to go through the 30- 
minute hold queue again for the guy sitting across the aisle." 
     (5) "What version of the drivers are you using?... Well, then, it must be 
working right." 
     (4) "I'm sorry, only a certified, qualified technician is allowed to 
install a new memory chip. You'll have to return it to the factory. It'll take 
about eight weeks." 
     (3) "[Tinny recording] beep beep beeeeeep... We're sorry, the number you 
have reached has been disconnected or is no longer in service... ." 
     (2) "We don't support that. You have to call Microsoft about that." 
     (1) "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to give you an RMA [return of merchandise 
authorization] until we've gone through the entire 20-page basic 
troubleshooting guide." 
     Fortunately, the fact that Ellis came up short presents no problem. Not 
only did InfoWorld Electric participants have a number of their own to add, I 
hear about dumb help desk responses rather frequently. So there are quite a few 
more to choose from if we want to make a real Top 10: 
     "It's not a bug -- it's an undocumented enhancement." 
     "It can't be fixed; it's hard-wired into the software." 
     "Don't worry about it. It's fixed in the next release." 
     "I don't know how to fix that. I recommend you reformat the drive." 
     "I ran the diagnostic diskette, and the display said, `Bad Monitor or 
Motherboard.' I figured the monitor would be easier, so I ordered a 
replacement." 
     "Yes, it's OK to log back on to the server -- we fixed it hours ago. What 
do you mean, how were you supposed to know? Didn't you get the e-mail we sent 
out?" 
     "I can't tell you what that error message means. It's confidential 
information." 
     "Sorry, you'll have to call the PC help desk, because I only do networking 
support. Don't worry though, your problem is really simple, so they should be 
able to give you the answer right away." 
     "I don't care how technical you think you are -- we have to go through my 
checklist. OK, first, are you sure the PC is plugged in?" 
     REMOTE USER: "My modem doesn't work." 
     HELP DESK: "Sorry, we're not allowed to help remote users over the phone. 
Please message us with your problem via e-mail." 
     USER: "Can you walk me through installing this update?" 
     HELP DESK: "A:InstallEnter, just like it is written on the disk." 
     USER: "My machine makes a horrible high-pitched squeal whenever I turn it 
on." 
     HELP DESK: "That's the way they're made." 
     Now, I wouldn't want you to think that I've gone through all this just to 
have a few cheap laughs. Having a few cheap laughs is only part of the reason. 
The other part is that I hope to get us back on a subject that we haven't 
touched on for a while. 
     The moral of this story is that supporting users is a challenge, a 
challenge that is often not met due to deficiencies at both ends of the phone 
line. And your job, after all, is to remove those deficiencies so all that 
technology actually gets put to productive use. Next week we'll get serious 
about that subject. 
     Ed Foster's Gripe Line examines readers' concerns about product quality, 
customer service, and sales practices. Write to gripe@infoworld.com or call 
(800) 227-8365, Ext 710. Join his New Gripes forum at InfoWorld Electric at 
http://www.infoworld.com. 
     

[Copyright 1996 InfoWorld (US), International Data Group Inc. All rights 
reserved.]