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WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .



HELPLINE:	"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:	"I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE:	"Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER:	"What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE:	"It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER:	"Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

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HELPLINE:	"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:	"My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE:	"Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER:	"Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE:	"There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER:	"It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE:	"It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER:	"What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

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HELPLINE:	"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:	"Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE:	"What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER:	"It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE:	"What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER:	"I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE:	"It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER:	"I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

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HELPLINE:	"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:	"Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE:	"Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:	"How do I work it?"
HELPLINE:	"Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:	"Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE:	"Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:	"I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"