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The List

THE GHOST SHIT
  The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet
  paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
  The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
  there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
  You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you
  end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so
  you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
       
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
  This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to
  your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
       
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
  Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
  You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
  practically have a stroke.
       
THE CORN SHIT
  No explanation necessary.
       
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
  The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
  without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet
  brush.
       
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
  The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of
  drinking.
  It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of
  the toilet bowl after you flush.
       
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
  The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts
  out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
       
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
  Also known as the "Power Dump".  That's the kind that comes out of
  your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet
  water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
  That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
  butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the
  same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
  A class all its own.
       
THE CROWD PLEASER
  This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you
  have to show it to someone before flushing.
       
THE MOOD ENHANCER
  This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
  allowing you to be your old self again.
       
THE RITUAL
  This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
  the aid of a newspaper.
       
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
  A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
       
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
  This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the
  vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
  This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
       
THE GROANER
  A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
       
THE FLOATER
  Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
  resurface after many flushings.
       
THE RANGER
  A shit which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage
  in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution
  is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
       
THE PHANTOM SHIT
  This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
  putting it there.
       
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
  Now you see it, now you don't.  This shit is playing games with you.
  Requires patience and muscle control.
       
THE BOMBSHELL
  A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
  inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or
  you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
       
THE SNAKE CHARMER
  A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a
  frightening position - usually harmless.
       
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
  This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in
  the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
       
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
  An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift
  from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
       
PREMEDITATED SHIT
  Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.
       
SHITZOPHERENIA
  Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
       
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
  Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
       
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
  The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down
  when you're done.
       
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
  This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
  all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice
  from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
       
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
  The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's
  got to be coming out sideways.
       
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
  Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape
  and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air
  space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
       
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
  The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
  You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it
  piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
       
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
  When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides
  of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
       
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
  When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
  marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
  Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't
  warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand
  innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging
  and gasping for air.
       
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
  Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on
  to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over
  the place.