WELCOME TO BRAD'S JOKE PAGE!
"THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN"
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was
apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for
me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans, and shortly after that they got married. A few months later, on the
way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country,
he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On
is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk of
any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he
'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next.
By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at
the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the
most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold
on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him
promise not to peek. At this point he was begginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she
went to answer the phone..
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight
to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the
air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms
a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real
blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and
a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear
tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of
staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes,
farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his
loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded
his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!"
To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party!
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their
sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son
is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people
greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'"
Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people
greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'"
Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people
greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'"
The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six
feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle.
When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas,
and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that
there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the
barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out
to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the
door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn.
It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few
minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's
the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where
there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later,
there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
One day, a married couple bore twin sons. They couldn't afford
to keep them, however, so they put them up for adoption. One
of the boys went to a Spanish family and was named Juan. The
other son went to an Egyptian family and was named Amal.
Some years later, Juan became curious about his real parents.
After researching and finally locating them, he sent them a
nice letter and a picture of himself. Upon receiving the
picture, the original mother said "I'm so glad that he's
happy. And what a wonderful picture. I wish we had a picture
of Amal. I wonder what he looks like."
And her husband turned to her and said, "I wouldn't worry about
it. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
(If you don't get it, just think about it for a little while...)
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a
crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!
So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are
old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So
where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International
Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and
they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to
see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck
on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe
says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA
gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were
we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant
who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I
described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodelling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential
suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the
Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the
Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd
be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes
the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt
down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that ugly
haircut?'"
Charlie and Frank were talking one afternoon under a shade
tree-when Charlie said to Frank, "You're always calling your
wife 'Angel'. Is she really that sweet a lady?"
Frank shook his head. "Nope, she's always harping on
something".
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in
and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and
says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a
blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed
to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I
do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white
line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that
now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you
in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to
build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him
a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save
the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and
starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The
chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the
New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches
through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most
definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
"You are crazy! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks
the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden
Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender
answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that took
a leak in your saxophone last night!"
A Canadian Lumber Camp advertises for a Lumberjack.
A skinny little guy shows p at the camp the next day carrying an axe.
The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells
him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the lumberjack. "Take
your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the
lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn
to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while
they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it
was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could
agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they
decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch
this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water
froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the
other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder
still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said
"Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon
his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow,
that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!"
and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and
retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it,
put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at
The Mall of America. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
back together again.
The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded
"Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the
circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again
and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit,
he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory
work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken
dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resem-
bled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give
this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap
and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a
beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few
questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric
question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to
let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple
that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it
for me."
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one
morning. He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When
she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army
men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of
waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo,
and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word
"'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there
was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she
called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to
get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I
couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you
been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help
but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating
doughnuts?"
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in
the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't exactly know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do
fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't exactly know son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't exactly know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking
you all of these questions?"
The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you
never learn nothin'."
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he
asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing
this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," replied the prisoner.
An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he
sees a sign on his neighbour's lawn; "Horse for Sale". Curious,
he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his
neighbour's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down
a fine-looking stallion.
"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see
your horse for sale." Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor
English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa
is da horse for-a sale."
"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine
horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"
"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good
anymore."
The old farmer, convinced that his neighbour has lost his mind,
makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the
stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him
into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door
completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat
sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then
proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give
his neighbour a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind
horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.
"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka
so good anymore!' "
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds on a cold winter evening. They
looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that
night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the
admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to
the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their
meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of
the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The
little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He
placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French
fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his
wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began
to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking... "That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began
to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples
table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The
old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to
sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was
wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand !
it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old
lady. "Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is
it that you are waiting for?" She answered,"the teeth"........!
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a New Yorker. "I'm not hiring any wise-ass New
Yorker," the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a
test hoping that the New Yorker wouldn't be Able to answer the
questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without
getting into an argument.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without
using numbers, represent the number 9.
"Without numbiz?" the New Yorker says. "Dat's easy," and
proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this
time the number is 99."
The New Yorker stares into space for a while, then picks up
the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on
each tree. "Dare ya go," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you
get that to represent 99?" "Each a da tree's is dirty now!
So it's dirty tree, 'n Dirty tree, 'n dirty tree. Dat's 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him,
so he says, "Alright, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
Mr. New York stares into space again, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each
tree, and says, "Dare ya go. A hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you
think that represents a hundred."
The New Yorker leans forward and points to the marks at the
tree bases, and says..............................
"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now
you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an'
dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I
freakin' start?"
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The o ld man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car
you
got there, sonny? The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a
million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost
so much?"
" Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young
dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
" No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in
the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right but I'll stick with my moped!"
J ust then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man
just what this car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer
reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh! Something
whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth could be going faster
than
my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that
it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari
he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed
of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way
up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on
him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still
alive!!!
He runs up to the mangled man and says, "Oh my God! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath,
"Unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror!"
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decides to write a book about churches
around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east
from there. He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc.
He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which
reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone
and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is,in fact, a direct
line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He
thanks the pastor and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise,Milwaukee,
Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones
with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrives
in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual
golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities
all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and
I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God,
but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads
25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a
local call."
Osama bin Laden goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.
The psychic says "You will die on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die,
it will be an American holiday!"
A lady is walking in to work and on her way into the
building she turns to a man and says, "T G I F!" and
the man turns to her and replies, "S-H-I-T!" So the
woman looks at him but says nothing and keeps walking
to the elevator, which the man is also taking. Before
she gets off the elveator, she tries again, "T-G-I-F!"
and the man replies, "S-H-I-T!" So now the lady is
starting to get mad but again says nothing. All day
long she can' think of anything but this man's
response. Finally at the end of the day, as she's
walking out of the building, she sees the same man
and decides to give it one more try, "T-G-I-F!" and
again the man replies, "S-H-I-T!" So now she's really
mad and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but do you know
what T-G-I-F means?" The man replies "Yes I do,
Thank God It's Friday. Do you know what S-H-I-T
means?" The lady Shakes her head and says "No, I
don't." The man then says "Sorry Honey It's Thursday!"
Rosalie walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs.
She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she
accidentally breaks wind.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that
standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am. How may
I help you today?" Very uncomfortable, she asks, "Sir how
much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady, you farted just
touching it. You're gonna shit when you hear the price!"
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