I love you, O Lord , my strength.

Do you identify with the despair that permeates this poem?

So many of us know, as the poem relates, that we can endure - oh, how we have endured! - and we learn, and learn, but are never able to convert that learning to action. We know our worth, the depth of our devotions, the extent of our talents...yet we never accept ourselves as worthy enough. Deep down, we feel that we deserve no more than the emptiness of a relationship devoid of the closeness we crave. In fact, we accept the blame for our partner's lack of attention or love toward us, and try all the harder to win his love. There is nothing we wouldn't do, just to have the love we crave. To this end, we attempt through our actions to manage and control his life :(  in order to try to get him to love us.

If we are able to get past the denial and other coping mechanisms and barriers we have erected over the years to shield us from our pain, we will be able to identify and admit that this unhealthy pattern developed in our childhood. It could be the result of any number of dysfunctionalities in our families as we were growing up: things like...being ignored, too much being expected from us, emotional and physical or sexual abuse, alcohol or drug abuse, blaming.....the list could go on and on. It's easy to see how pervasive the problem could be, and how it can be passed from generation to generation if we don't decide, "this is where it ends". The decisions we make and the way we handle our relationships and the way in which our families interact will most definitely determine the ability of our children to lead healthy, productive lives, to love and be loved, to be happy in their lives.

What about these men we love, who are emotionally unavailable, uncaring, cold or indifferent? How did they get that way? The answer seems to lie in the societal or genetic differences between the sexes....little girls, when experiencing emotional pain, are more often drawn to nurturing activities, such as rocking their "babies", hugging their dolls...while boys are expected to buck up, don't cry, be a man...little wonder we women grow up wanting to nurture these men, who as children were just as hurt as we were, in some way. So we grow up to become obsessed with a man who cannot love us, while he is obsessed with work, sports, or other activities that will distance him from us. We both crave and fear love, and though we may pursue and they may retreat, we are both just as incapable of intimacy as the other. Were he to turn and attempt to give us what we so crave, chances are we would back away in confusion, unable to sustain an intimate relationship. Similarly, if we are approached by a man who can truly love us, we are likely to see him as boring, or feel that the *spark* just isn't there. In truth, we are unable to relate in a healthy way to a man who can truly love us, and so we continue to try to win the love of a man who can never, unless he chooses to change, love us in return.

And there's the rub...no matter how we hope he will change, no matter to what extent we woo him with our selfless love, no matter how "good you are for him", no matter how good the sex...our relationships will be deeply unsatisfying until both decide to change. And...since no one can change another person, the only person you can work on is YOURSELF. Make no mistake, your work is with you, and you alone. His work is with himself, when and if he decides to make a change. One reason women fail to recover from "loving too much" is simply because they cannot bear to give up the man they are devoted to. They prefer the familiarity of the pain to which they have become accustomed over their lifetime, to the fear of change, and the fear that they will have to give up the man they so love. While giving up your man is not a requirement of recovery, there is the possibility that the relationship will end. The other possibility is that the changes you make in yourself will effect changes in the relationship that may cause him to decide he wants more for his life as well, and the relationship will get better. There you have it...the relationship will either end...or it will get better. Don't you owe it to yourself to have a chance for the love you've always hoped for? And let us not escape the truth that we are whole women, with or without a man in our lives. We need to be able to love ourselves, to be a healthy person in our own right. Only then can we share ourselves fully, have the intimacy of a real relationship.

Just what is love? Have you ever given it much thought? The excerpt you can read here was quite a revelation to me. This was taken almost verbatim from Robin Norwood's incredible, life-saving bestseller, Women Who Love Too Much. I urge you...go to your nearest bookstore, or to Barnes and Noble or another online bookseller, and buy this book. Having bought it, read it and weep....you will weep, because you will find yourself there, without your defenses to protect you, if you are ready for change. Study it like a textbook, and resolve to recover from the debilitating processes that have taken hold of your life.

In her book, Robin Norwood outlines 10 steps to recovery...I would love to share these exciting steps with you, because I want for each of you what I want for myself...love, peace, and laughter...but I want to be very careful that this is a "jumping off place" to get real help, and nothing I could say here, even outlining the steps for you, would be enough to get you on that road. I encourage you to get the book!

Sisters, and Brothers, I welcome you, and salute the courage with which you confront and conquer the demons which have held you captive for so long.

AA, NA, Al-Anon, and AlaTeen groups can provide exceptional assistance if you, as in many cases of women who love too much, have been subjected to the effects of alcohol or drug abuse as a condition in your life. If you have these resources available in your area, the support you can find there may be a real asset to your recovery.

God Bless Us, Every One *s*