An old cowboy once told his son that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on one's oatmeal every morning. The son did this religiously and, just as his father had said, lived to a ripe old age of 97. When he died, he left behind eight children, sixteen grandchildren, thirty-four great-grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Three men died and went to Heaven to be met at the gate by Saint Peter himself.
"I have only one rule for you," he said. "Don't step on a duck."
The men agreed and were let inside and suddenly were surrounded by thousands of ducks. The first one, a fairly smart man, didn't step on a duck until the second day. For punishment, he was shackled to an ugly old woman. The second man, a little brighter than the first, didn't step on a duck until the fourth day. He was shackled to another ugly wrinkled woman. The third man, who was not very bright, somehow avoided stepping on a duck. One day, Saint Peter shackled a beautiful redhead to him.
"Wow! What did I do to deserve this?" he asked.
"I don't know about you," the woman replied. "But I stepped on a duck."

There was a man sprawled across a few seats in a theater. When the usher came by and told him he could only sit in one seat, the man didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said again. "If you don't move then I will have to call the manager."
Still, the man stayed put. The usher came back with the manager, but the guy didn't budge. Finally, they called the police.
"All right," the officer said. "What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where are you from, Sam?" the officer asked.
"The balcony."

A young sailor and a pirate take turns sharing their tall tales on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has an eye patch, a peg-leg, and a hook.
Curious, the sailor asks, "How did you get that peg-leg?"
The pirate replies and says, "I was swept overboard and a shark bit me leg off."
"Wow!" says the sailor. "And what about that hook?"
"Boarding an enemy ship," says the pirate. "One of the men cut me hand clean off."
"Incredible!" exclaimes the sailor. "And that eyepatch?"
"I sea gull dropping fell into me eye."
"You lost your eye because of a sea gull?"
"Well," explains the pirate. "That was me first day with the hook."

Some psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.
"Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," a student answered after raising his hand.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked again.
One hand shot up. "Elation,"
"And the opposite of woe?"
One hand of a Texan man shot up in the back. "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

An Idahoan, a Californian, a Texan, and an Oregonian are all riding in a car on their way to a meeting. Suddenly, the Idahoan grabs a potato from the back seat and throws it out the window.
"What did you do that for?" the Oregonian asks.
"We have so many of those where I come from and I'm getting tired of looking at them."
Suddenly the Texan reaches into the back seat and pulls out a beef steak. He throws it out the window.
"What did you do that for?" the Californian asks.
"We have so many of those where I come from and I'm getting tired of looking at them."
Inspired, the Oregonian opens the door and throws the Californian out.

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