Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse: What We Would Like You to Know About Us.

         We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that

continues into our adult lives.

         Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either

holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.

         Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with

it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our

self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

         Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse "on the back

burner" does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through these

emotions and process them.

         Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are

dealing with this early trauma. This is because:

· we are working on separating the past from the present.

· pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously.

· it is important for us to be in control, since control is what we lacked

as children.

· Sometimes we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only

increase our tension.

         We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that

are related to our emotions.

         We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart

inside.

         There is nothing wrong with us as survivors -- something wrong was

DONE to us.

         Sometimes others get impatient with us for not "getting past it"

sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is your

patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate

on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world;

this won't happen overnight.

         Your support is extremely important to us. Remember; we have been

trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse.

We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how

you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally

and/or nonverbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear.

         . Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain

to our own.

         There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does

not matter that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody -- from

any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education-- may be

an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom

you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next

generation of children.

         . We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.

         We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional

reactions. You can help by: listening, reassuring us that you are not

leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a nonsexual way.

         Our therapy does not break up relationships - it sometimes causes

them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that

were already present.

         Grieving is a part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts

of ourselves.

        

         From Triumph over Darkness by Wendy Ann Wood, M.A.

         copyright Wendy Ann Wood 1993

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