Home

Glossary

A-hole: Person who sends Dave SMSes.

Brokeback Mountain: Dave's favourite film.

Carnie: A member of the mighty brotherhood and sisterhood of carnival folk. Allegedly has small hands and smells of cabbage. The collective term for a group of carnies is "cavalcade". Normally spelled "carny", but I think "carnie" looks better, so flip you.

Chuck Norris: The standard of perfection.

"Citizenship": A sobriety test. You have to say it three times quickly. Variants such as "Shi-shun-sheep" don't cut it. See "Munted" and "Unique New York".

Cock rock o'clock: Usually 8pm. "I'm thinking of bringing back Rammstein O' Clock, but I may have a new segment, 'cock rock o' clock' which will feature hair metal anthems from the 80s. Maybe both, who knows."

Cranie: A hilarious mispronunciation of "carnie".

The Daytime Shift: A demonstration that carnies and daylight don't mix.

Derro: Person who dresses like Dave.

Don Cheadle: Fine African-American actor. Stars as Paul Rusesabagina in the movie "Hotel Rwanda".

El Divo/William Hung: Cruel and unusual punishment used, among other times, if: (a) you violate the f-word or c-word limitations; or (b) Dave gets three drunk callers in a row; or (c) Dave feels like it.

Flip: Cutesy alternative ("Your mum thinks it's cutesy"), allegedly in accordance with ABC rules, though other announcers don't seem to give one: "Its the ABCs rules man. I give everyone three f's and a c word of their choice, plus unlimited flips." But he's willing to make exceptions if you're a yummy princess or are hilariously monted.

Gnarls Barkley: A minstrel group that callers are suspected of being.

"He be all gangsta and shit": Rap music is fly shit.

Giney: See "vage".

Guns: Either: (1) the honeymoon period before Dave starts insulting you; "Whatever happened to us? We used to be going great guns/such good friends"; or (2) impressive pectoral muscles: "Your guns look really great. Have you been working out?".

"Heck yeah": Now I'm going into annoying Napoleon Dynamite mode.

"... in the nude": All-purpose descriptive phrase.

James Blunt: Where Abbie wants to kick Lady Ping Pong.

Jerkburger: A burger made of jerk.

"Lah dee flippin dah. Whoop dee flippin doo": You appear to be possessed of high-class aspirations.

Mashup: Wikipedia at the time this glossary was written said "mashup" was an alternative name for "bastard pop" and defined bastard pop as "a musical genre which, in its purest form, consists of the combination (usually by digital means) of the music from one song with the acapella from another. Typically, the music and vocals belong to completely different genres. At their best, bastard pop songs strive for musical epiphanies that add up to considerably more than the sum of their parts."

Mohullet or Mulhawk: Combination of mohawk and mullet. Makes you look Tamworthian.

Monkey: Either (i) something to say to monted folk to make them crack up; or (ii) a magical god born of a stone egg whose nature is irrepressible.

Motherflipper: A person who flips mothers.

Munted: Dave pronounces this "monted", and has alleged it is New Zealand slang. The Urban Dictionary offers, inter alia, the definition "[t]o have intoxicated yourself with alcohol and/or chemicals to such point where respectable levels of social and/or physical functioning become problematic".

Natural state of consciousness: The most beautiful thing.

Ninja: Something that occasionally attacks you on stage. Ninjas are cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet. Ninjas are so sweet that I want to crap my pants. I love ninjas with every part of my body, including my pee pee.

Nintendos: As in, "I'm going to do my Nintendo Wiis now" vs "I'm going to do some PS2s".

Pecific: A hilarious mispronunciation of "specific".

Porn: Something that drains your masculine essence in such a way that women can sense it.

Pottymouth: A regular of Dave's guestbook.

Povo: A person who has the cockroach-deep-frying income of her royal highness Steph.

Rammstein O'clock: Time to march.

Rock out with your cock out/hang out with your wang out: To rap out with your flap out.

Shit on your lawn: If Dave has a grudge against you, he'll shit on every lawn in your state if he has to. And if flowers start growing, he'll shit on them too. And sometimes, he'll do poo poos on you as well.

"Shut up or I'll punch you in the face": I'm not going to answer that question.

Sport: Something one should never talk about.

Standard conversation: goes something like this --
    Dave: Hello, Triple J. What's up?
    Caller: Not much.
    Dave: What have you been doing with your evening?
    Caller: You know, nothing much.
    Dave: What are you going to do with the rest of your evening?
    Caller: Probably go to sleep.

Taekwondo your nipple: Dave's special move attack.

Trogdor the Burninator: See --

So what are you up to Dave?": One of the techniques to piss Dave off. (Along with asking how he is, calling him Scottish, having fuck all to say, pronouncing his name "Callinan", talking about sport, calling up at the end of the show to request songs...)

"So what can I do for you?"/"So what are you going to do with the rest of your evening?"/"So what would you like to say to the nation?": "You're talking shit and this conversation is going nowhere."

"That's a stupid name": Pretty much every name.

Unique New York: Five times quickly -- the new "Citizenship".

Vage: Rhymes with "Yamina".

Vegematarium: "My poo poo is green. Is your poo poo green as well?" Note: this is not "vegematarian" ("Sheesh! At least pronounce it more gooder.").

"Whatever happened to us? We used to be great together/We used to be such good friends": I'm not really sorry.

Wolfmother: A word that makes Dave talk about jokers and thieves in the night.

Your mum: The yummy person Dave loves.


Home

Top

Regulars past and present

Abbie: Beautician. Part of the bootscootin' royal family of Tamworth. Sister of Steph. Has a mohullet. Has crush on Dave. Is getting married. Lives in Newcastle. Works in "Hogsbreath". Doesn't actually listen to the show, but only calls up because Steph makes her. Has made a shirt for Dave, "I know Steph from Tamworth", which he still wears. Was suspended twice for fighting in high school: slapped a girl (3 days) and threw a rock (told principal it was a stick) at a girl's head (10 days + nearly lost school certificate).

Allanah from Caboolture: A little bit of wee came out when she was listening to Chris Taylor. Once told Dave he was fucking ugly. Has a Frenzal Rhomb shrine. Wants nakey-nakey pictures of Jay and the Doctor. Dances naked in front of her pets. Her pornstar name is "Chi Chi Buttercup". Has a myspace profile under the name >Fetid<>Fetus< and is perhaps maybe contactable at demon_flames@hotmail.com.

Amelia from Yeppoon: Goes to a lot of concerts. Maddie's sister. Her webpage is here.

Anne-Marie Elizabeth Trone: Giggles a lot. From Yeronga in Brisbane. Wins shit all the time. Was the first ever caller on the show. Has a regular segment entitled "Five seconds with Anne-Marie" or "Five seconds of Anne".

Bill from Bommo: Current holder of the distance record for monted rants. Aka Cecil the evil twin.

Brandy: Tall Sydney goth who cooks, DJs, and designs clothes (formerly for "Dark Decadence"). Occasionally does performances at clubs.

Caroline Tran/Nicole Foote/Amy Blackmur/Sarah Howells etc the "producers": People who make Dave's life easier by running for CDs, screening out carnies, and preventing people from speaking off topic. Often, they'll even select the SMSes that Dave gets. Perhaps there's a general rule that whoever is the presenter of the show before Dave will act as Dave's producer.

Catherine: Dave's mum. Used to spank Dave. Has been known to drive dangerously. Plays a game with Dave called "Complete the lyrics". Occasionally tries to convert him from his vegetarian ways.

Cecil: The "evil twin". Carnie who pisses Dave off by talking crap and doing Fozzie Bear/Yoda impersonations of him. Aka Bill from Bommo!

The Caveman: Hails from Bunbury, WA. Has sampled many substances that remove the mind from its natural state of consciousness. Calls when drunk ("I'm not drunk; I'm half-drunk"), and is responsible for some of the Shift's finest moments.

Countess Dracul: Flatmate of Lady Ping Pong. Is thousands of years old. Makes weird noises in the background when Lady Ping Pong talks.

Djve: Forum regular.

Dr Rock: Dale L Connor. Has never been the same since he was run off the road and put in a coma. He is "the Aussie pope, the king judge". Sometimes calls Dave "John". Jimmy Barnes lifted up his eyepatch.

Elizabeth Flippin' Bourke from Brisbane: Wears no underwear when she listens to Dave, because they'll just get wet. The universe will end if she stands at the corner of Elizabeth and Bourke Streets in Melbourne.

Elvis Fowderpinger Presley/Easy E/Sensei/Pencil Elvis: When he went missing, starting making pencils in Wulkaraka, from 2B, HB, right up to the big art pencils. Stopped eating jelly doughnuts, and changed his accent. Has now moved on to Bob's Farm in NSW, where he attempted to start up up a ninja training school on a property he bought with Jeff Buckley. Currently exports threads for air banjos to Conclurry and releases songs under the name "Savage Garden", and is working on setting up a wildlife park with Paul Hogan. His ambition is to create a blue lead pencil.

Emma: Sister of Matt, who is the boyfriend of Laura, who is Steph's on-again/off-again friend. From Werribee -- called Dave a knobjockey when he said she was from the poo part of town. Dreams about Steph, wants to marry Steph, sings songs to Steph, and will put on an American accent when she's doing Steph.

"Fred" from "Alaska": Is worried about the aliens. Keeps her name secret from the government. Theorizes that lightning is a glimpse into a parallel universe. Ties her dog to wheelbarrows and keeps it under the house. Watches Stargate twice a day. Enjoys taking a shit on the road and laughing at the cars that run over it.

Fromtheshadows: Forum regular.

Holly: Eleven years old. Sister of Josh. Lives in Rosebud. Has bunny rabbits.

Jared from Bunbury: Carnie whose sights Elvis in random places, eg Donut King in Bunbury, post office in Manjimup. Is concerned about the murderous CIA Elvis protection unit. Perhaps inspired by recent spate of songs by "The King". -- News flash: on 12 August 2006, Jared admits that he's mistaken about seeing Elvis. But maybe he's mistaken about being mistaken. Tune in next week to find out...

Jojo: The Paddlepop Lioness. When she was 16, was cracked onto by her girlfriend's father.

Josh: Another of Dave's younger regulars. Brother of Holly.

Krazy_Kalamari from Adelaide: Forum regular; in fact, perhaps the founder of the Shift forum threads. King of the playlists and goes under the alternative name "Playlist_Squid". Sounded like Stephen Hawking's computer when he called. Has been the victim of such insults as "Insane squid person" (Amy) or "Now shut up or I'll boil you in the nude, seafood dude" (Dave).

Lady Ping Pong/Lady Salvador/Lady Chelmsford/Lady Leviticus/Lady Lilith: Carnie who hassles Dave with erotic SMSes and has a running feud with Steph. Lives in Maroubra, works with shit and urine, gave up the pot in 2005, and is friends with Countess Dracul. Has fun "riding her carousel", her "penis-pumping merry-go-round". Milady's birthday is 16 August.

Laulita: Forum regular. Owns a lot of toys, and will use them...

Laura: On-again off-again friends with the linedancin' royal family of Tamworth. Has a magenta smiley-face tattoo on her back, as well as tattoos of magic mushrooms and stoned bugs. Gets engaged fast. Drank mother's whiskey and filled bottle with tea.

Lifon: The ukelele guy. Particularly noted for his ability to create mashups. Usually calls towards the end of the show -- last half hour.

Maddie from Yeppoon: Amelia's sister. The show isn't complete without a taste of Yeppoon. Check out her livejournal here.

Madonna: Named after the Beatles song, not the singer or the virgin. Used to be a telephone sex operator.

Marie: Some guy named Marie whose brother and nephew are also called Marie.

Mischakoh/Zhe-Zhen: On first appearance (22/4/2006) compares everything to fish (Irish men are like soggy old fish, not nice like reef fish, but still nice to eat). Does a good Japanese impression. Appears later (17/6/2006) doing the same accent, but now claiming to be Chinese. Talks about being proud about prestigious job in McDonald's and sending money back to family in Beijing.

Naked girl: Married to Naked Guy. Has naked twins from affair with Dave. Likes to grind against people.

Naked guy who lives in laundry: Aka Jack from Mansfield, Victoria. Went on hunger strike to make grandmother move out of his room. Doesn't wear a hairnet when he butchers things.

Naked guy poser: Or "NGP". Challenged Naked Guy to a rap contest for Naked Girl's hand.

Paris: Denies she is a groupie. Currently is a real-life carnie.

Pirate Willie: Plays in a band. Has tattoo of word "Wong" on penis that can be expanded to "Wollongong". Confesses that ninjas are better than pirates. Arrrrr.

Protozone: Prime architect behind some of the most amusing guestbook entries. Once phoned Dave and made a "your mum" joke out of everything Dave said, including Dave's comment that the word "flip" is cutesy.

Rachel Dunlop the scientist: Works for ?Cancer Council in Sydney. Attends a lot of gigs. Once owned two fish that committed suicide. Currently owns a cowbell.

Raphael/Rafael from SA: Has never heard the joke about his pals Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Splinter. Tried to make a bird bite him on his pecker. If he's the same guy who's posted in Dave's guestbook, then here is his livejournal.

Robert: Some guy who talks about curry pies and anal probes. See Saturday 31 December 2005.

Sam Simmons: Melbourne comedian who occasionally appears on the show. Check out his webpage here.

Sharon: The rock 'n' roll metalhead 46-year-old granny.

Steph(anie) from Tamworth: Dave's adopted child/sponsor kid, after he became engaged to her mum. Used to work in a deep fryer in a Chinese restaurant. Currently is a dole bludger, after having been rejected by the carnies. Worked at Donut King for $3 an hour, dropped a tray of doughnuts, and put them back in the tray. Has a regular segment entitled "Steph from Tamworth plays the hits". Has a brother (of unknown name) and a sister named "Abbie". Has created a "Dave loves your mum" t-shirt. Has been known to wear a t-shirt that says, "Number 1 carnie" on the front and "Wanna kick in the James Blunt?" on the back. Dog's name is "Bouncer". Fish's name (died in 2006, after five years) was "Spindleshank"; Steph never cleaned the tank. Steph is the object of Laura's boyfriend's sister's lesbian attentions ("Tell Steph that when I'm doing her I can put on an American accent for her"). Allegedly has Yahoo! and Ninemsn messengers. Her birthday is 20 October, click here for her old website, and click here for her new website. "Stay classy Australia!"

Steph's mum: Susan. Has safari suit with Great Barrier Reef painted on it. She keeps putting the suit in the op shop, then buying it back.

Terri Psiakis: Mid-dawn presenter on Triple J, who used to have the Shift before Dave did, and who's obviously in love with him. Her Triple J profile is here.

Vince: Scary guy from Adelaide, which is otherwise known as "derrotown".

Zoe: From Adelaide. Also produces "Dave loves your mum" t-shirts.