15th JULY 2008
I love you, I hope that you love me too.
I miss you. I miss us.
How ever far away I will always love you.

18th JULY 2008
From now til the 1st of Aug my room mate has the night shift at the aid station from 10pm to 6am.. I'll have First Up Night shift from 6 pm to 6 am, at then I'll be sleeping in my room by myself. I have been thinking only him and been have vivid dreams and nightmares. I try not to go into detail with the nightmares, lets just say it's not pleasant.
In my Dreams... I have dreams about my husband, hold him, kissing him, being worry free. I miss him dearly and I would do everything and anything to see him again, and be able to see that sincere smile all over again. Although he doesn't like to smile, I enjoy seeing him smile very much. It brighten my gloomy days, it makes me smile. Those rare moments that I see him happy, it's so nice. I wish I could see it again. I shall remain hopeful as always and dream of these dreams and maybe someday my dreams will come true. My heart wishes for him to be near me, and my mind tell me to keep strong for him and to never let go of the spirit that I have for him.
My love will never falter and I shall always think of him. I adore my husband, and I hope and pray that someday I shall see him again. I miss him...

24th JULY 2008
After a convoy that was terrible, a PSD mission with no purpose, I spent my whole ride thinking, rethinking and mostly listening to Elliott Smith's XO Album over and over again. I felt like crying but, I had company in the truck so I held back my tears. I thought about so much, mostly about Chris. How I miss him so. There is a new count for me... 14 days, two weeks. The pain is so immense that it's unbearable. My mistakes, my weaknesses, my horrible judgment is putting more and more weight on my shoulders. After 10 hours being outside of the FOB, I was emotionally drained, weak, and sick to my stomach and having a massive headache I never felt before, I went back to the aid station. The mail people were kind enough to open the mail room for a few of us that weren't able to pick up mail for the past few weeks. I had a few packages, two that I didn't recognize and one small one from my mom.
I walked back to the EVAC office two open these packages, I opened the biggest of the three, it was a book. A book which symbolizes the passions I had ever since a little girl with hope and dreams to be an artist. Art is a huge part of my life, especially still life and the human figure. To add another art book to my collection, which Chris has generously given me so many books. I cherish each and every one and are neatly kept in my room.
Second package, it was soft and light and I read the package to see what it was, it said "plush toy." My thoughts were, "it's a bear." What I sweet kind gesture, my eyes were already welting with tears as I starting opening the package. To my surprise, it wasn't white or a neutral color which most bears usually come in. It was yellow. I pulled this yellow plush and to my emotional break down, it was a Chocobo. A chicken... My first pet, and one of my favorite animals. I told my husband that some day I would get a chocobo tattooed on me. Because it meant so much to me. Through my lonely years as a child I had a chicken as a companion and when I was older to understand how to use video games, the first game I was keen to was Final Fantasy which has this chicken, chocobo. It stuck with me. It moved me.
I felt, overwhelmed. So many emotions came to me at once, Sadness, Joy, Embarrassment, Regret.
What have I done?! I'm a horrible person. I ruined our friendship, our marriage, or trust. My anguish is taking me over and the only thing that can make all of this better is him.
After a long day, of thinking about him and regretting the things I have done to him. I was surprised with this gift. All I want is to be held be him, I want to smell his scent again, to see his eyes, to hear his voice, to know that's he is doing ok. I care so much about him.
Chris.. forgive me, I don't know what I will do without you be my side. I'm so sorry. You bring life to my pathetic exsistance. I miss you, I need you near me. Please take care of yourself. I love you so much. My heart aches without you. I'm lost without you.

29th JULY 2008
I can't sleep... I can't eat... all my thoughts are of Chris. Every tear drop I shed is for him. I don't know what to do anymore. I've thought about so much things, talked to my friends, and all I can go back to is him. I be back with him. He was only thing that kept me sane in this world. Now that he is away, it's hard to hold myself together. I truely say that I love him with all of my heart. My actions have hurt him deeply and I want to make this better. I don't want this to happen again. I want help, I need him by my side. Life will go on, but good living it would do me if I don't hame him by my side. I want to grow old with him, have children and be happy together.
I miss him so much it hurts. That's my pain, him not being with me is hurting me the worst. I don't know how much longer I can take this. The brief moments when I see him, my heart melts. I love him. I don't want to lose him. Please stay, and I'll do everything to make myself better and to make you happy again.