About a year ago a friend and I were given free tickets to a production of "Myeong Seong Hwang Hu", a musical about the last empress of Korea. Entrancing as this production was in all it had to say about the glorious and tragic ending of the Chosun Dynasty, I found my attention drawn to the extraordinary pointiness of the villain's hairstyle.
Right: Photo of Pointy Villain from programme book; thanks to Charity for scanning it in.
Thus, the Pointy Villain Theory was born.
Forget the black hat. It is my contention that a proper villain must merely have some kind of pointiness about him. Pointy sideburns, for example. A pointy nose or pointy chin will also do. A pointy moustache is excellent. Once you begin to fully understand the theory you will begin to recognise pointy eyes and pointy cheeks. Wherever it is, pointiness almost always indicates a villain. Time and time again I've come into the room while my flatmates are watching tv and identified the villain almost immediately through this quality of pointiness. I'm a great fan of Korean historical soap operas, and even though I can't understand a word apart from "Yes, Your Majesty," I know who the villain is because his entire face is pointy.
What about Mr Spock?
He had pointy ears, didn't he, and he wasn't a villain. Well, not outside the possibility of some interesting fanfiction, anyway. But remember that when Gene Roddenbury first put forth the proposal, Paramount wanted to get rid of the pointy ears. Why? Because they made Spock look too devilish. Clearly TPTB have a very clear conception of the Pointy Villain Theory.
Well, the Great Bird had his way in a very intriguing reversal of the stereotype. But that's not all Star Trek wrote. Spock and most Vulcans may be good guys, but their Evil Twins the Romulans certainly aren't -- and the Romulans take pointiness to the next level: fashion sense.
And let's not forget Star Trek's other aliens. I would suggest that the Bumpy Forehead Factor is just a special case of the Pointy Villain Theory. The Klingons have pointy bumps. The Cardassians have pointy uniforms. The Borg have pointy ships. The Kazon have pointy hair. Species 8472 is pointiness incarnate.
Pointiness, in short, abounds -- while the good guys, the Federation, are characterised by smooth skin, smooth hair, smooth uniforms, smooth equipment, and smooth ships. Even its non-human allies are less pointy than its adversaries. Take the chubby-faced Bolians, for example. Or the Bajorans, with only a few little bumps on their noses, which are more than made up for in their fashion and architecture of curves. Good-guy Odo is completely smooth, even around the eyebrows -- and the bad-guy Founders mock him for this lack of pointiness.
What about other TV programmes?
Let's take Buffy for a start. Most of the bad guys there have pointy teeth. Nuff said.
Babylon 5: the obvious villains are the pointy spider guys. Even the Vorlons have a subtle pointiness to their protective suits.
Due South: Muldoon had pointy wrinkles.
Lost in Space: That guy, you know, the pointy bad doctor guy with the funny name. (Funny names are also a bad sign. Unless it's a middle or otherwise hidden name, that is, when it becomes the sign of a hero. Cf MacGyver, James T Kirk.... The hero is always embarrassed about his funny name.)
Blake's Seven: Avon was pointy in an endearing way. Haven't watched it long enough or recently enough to say more about others.
Lord of the Rings: Saruman has a pointy beard.
The Grinch: The Mayor might look as chubby as anyone else, but he's got a pointy chin. And note the scene where the Grinch shaves a line through his hair, rendering his hairstyle awfully reminiscent of the twin peaks effect of Dilbert's pointy-headed boss. (Which is of course another example.)
But these people are all actors!
Yes, and many actors are typecast as villains. Why? Probably because they're pointy.
But even so, it's precisely because they are actors that they can display and discard pointiness at will. It simply becomes a little more difficult to describe. But surely even the most sceptical reader must admit that Babylon 5's Alfred Bester was more pointy than Star Trek's Chekhov. That Buffy's Principal Snyder was more pointy than DS9's Quark. That Due South's Victoria has pointier cheekbones than Providence's lead character.
I don't watch any of these shows or know any of these characters.
Hmm. Ah. ... Too bad. Find your own pointy villains; it won't be hard. Then email me about them.
What about Real Life (TM)?
Ah, now Real Life (TM) is different. For in Real Life (TM) there are no heroes or villains, only people muddling their way through the world. Except for the Nazis, of course. If they weren't villains then Godwin's Law wouldn't work. And just think how pointy Adolf's moustache was. And that swastika. Their salute was pretty pointy too, come to think of it. Yep, the Nazis definitely demonstrate the obvious truth of the Pointy Villain Theory -- and if you don't agree then you're probably one of them.
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