TOOLS DESCRIPTIONS:
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the
ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in
bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating
grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the
name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40
years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Received from clifff. Thanks GCFL!
HERE IS A LIST OF NEW STATE MOTTOES...
Alabama: At Least We're not
Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be
Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't
Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't
Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts,
Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the
Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our
Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the
"Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami
Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, Maybe Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce
the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal
Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With
Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle
States
Kentucky: Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk
Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We
Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's
Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower
Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense
From the Canadians Minnesota:
"10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"
Mississippi: Come Feel Better
About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood
Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the
Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State
Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave
Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##!
Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent
Pets
New York: You Have the Right to
Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a
Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of
the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No
Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's
For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An
Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil
War? We Didn't Actually Surrender.
South Dakota: Closer Than North
Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I
speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than
Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says
Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels
Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By
Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy
Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our
Cheese
All I Really Need To Know I Learned from Noah's Ark.....
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so
were the snails. o)
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
10. Remember that amateurs built the ark and the Titanic was built
by professionals.
11. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than
the storm outside.
12. Don't miss the boat.
13. No matter how bleak it looks, if God is with you, there's always a
rainbow on the other side.
An optimist sees the best in the world, while
a pessimist (a non-optimist) sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the
negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
Let me illustrate what I mean . . . An avid duck hunter was
in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends
would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a
pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they
fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did
not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than
his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On
the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my
new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
