One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, you didn't get one either?!!! You better straighten up then!

Received from June Bates.

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
employees.

"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Thanks Randy Walker, The Good Humor man, Funny Bone

BARBIE
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his
daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the
mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much
is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for
$19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping
for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes to the
Nightclub' for $19.95 ... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95? Dad
asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's
dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."   Thanks Angel!

Total Mayhem

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes", was his reply."   Thanks Blue Angel

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

An English professor wrote the words,

"a woman without her man is nothing"

on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Send this to other phenomenal women today in celebration of Women's History Month.   Thanks Madeline!

As Mother's Day is fast approaching...

CONTEMPLATING CHILDREN???
Lesson 1
Go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.  Go home.  Pick up the paper.  Read it for the last time.
Step 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping
habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Step 3
To discover how the nights will feel...
1. Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3 AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
10. Look cheerful.

Step 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Step 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms
hang out. Time allowed for this-all morning.

Step 6
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

Step 8
Get ready to go out.
1. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready
to try taking a small child for a walk.

Step 9
Repeat everything at least, if not more than, five times.

Step 10
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child. (A full-grown goat is excellent.) If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Step 11
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

Step 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at
least five years.

Step 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway in and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for two years.

Step 14
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.
(Important: No more than a four second delay between each "mommy";
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.) Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Step 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson FOURTEEN above. You are now
ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Step 16
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important meeting.
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this
mixture.
4. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
5. Do NOT change. You have no time.
6. Go directly to work.

Step 17
Go for a ride, but first...
1. Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. For the really adventurous... Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop

You are now ready to have kids!

Thanks Blue Angel

Here is a story that has been told many times. Thanks to Nadine for sending it to me again so that I could share it with you.

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner, Tim, doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a full load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "I'm smarter than they think, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!

Thanks FunnyBone!

This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their standards:

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they stated that they would accept no more than three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We Japanese
had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the
three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

Thanks Funny Bone and Thomas S. Ellsworth

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help, or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Thanks Blue Angel

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Thanks GCFL Received from JoLene.