June 2, 1999 ~ A true life story for the
Funnies... 00PS! A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on.
Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on
track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only
pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to
imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang,
the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to
pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the
man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the
preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just
like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he
looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the
preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand
up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people
gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who
were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher,
the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a
newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
Received from MIKEY'S FUNNIES. Thanks GCFL
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again
later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing
better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no
apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors
and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family
members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6
months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car
cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car
dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair. 14. Younger AOL car
drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car
owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. 20.
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye".
Thursday, May 13, 1999 ~ Sherlock Holmes and DR. Watson went
on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and
went to sleep. Some hours later, Homes awoke and nudged his faithful friend: "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" replied Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that
God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect
that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen
our tent." Thanks Blue!
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said:
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was
brought into the world.
"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems
there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think
it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Received from JElving. Thanks GCFL!

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