Trapper, discussing the Bible: "I peeked at the end, Frank. The devil did it." Pilot
 
"I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment." - 'O.R.'  Hawkeye
"Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then --- then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naiveté, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you. Why don't you grow up for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder -- if possible, without going crazy. Period." - 'Fallen Idol' Hawkeye
 
When I got thrown into this war, I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!" - 'Officer of the Day' Hawkeye
 
"I don't think this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me. I mean I work under terrible pressure and everything and there's a lot of death and destruction and stuff but outside of that I don't think I'm really getting much out of it."- 'Fallen Idol' Radar
 
HAWKEYE: "I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite!"  BJ HUNNICUTT: "And I'm not taking my clothes off 'til he leaves!"  - 'Inga'
 
Hawkeye: "Without love, what are we worth? 89 cents. 89 cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely."  Henry: "That means my marriage is only worth $1.78?" Love Story
 
"Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am."- Colonel Flagg - 'Rally Round the Flagg, Boys'
 
"We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone - that there's a little Tuttle left in all of us. In fact, you might say that all of us made up Tuttle." -Tuttle Hawkeye
 
Follow me to my closing arguments
"Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye." - 'Dear Sigmund' Dr. Sidney Freedman