How To Make A Chili Hot Dog

Any fool can make a chili dog (or at least any fool who can open a can and boil water) but it takes an exceptional fool to make a great one. For starters, a chili dog is big, not one of those little wimpy atrocities you get at the ball park. Don't skimp on the ingredients. One good chili dog will make up for 3 or 4 lousy ones.

Like All of Gaul, the properly constructed Chili Dog is divided in three parts: the Hot Dog (if you call them frankfurters you have been reading too much Martha Stewart), the Roll, and the Toppings. Assemble the ingredients and necessary impedimenta and do the preliminary preparation ahead of time (like about the amount of time it takes the beer to cool). The chili, of course, can be prepared ahead of time and frozen, but it's better fresh. You need at least a couple of hours to make that (more anon).

Primus: The Hot Dog

Go to the deli and invest in good hot dogs. They should be all beef (well, maybe some pork) with none of that soybean crud they feed the hogs. They should be at least an inch in diameter, bigger if you can find them, and at least 8 inches long, preferably 12, with natural casings. Hummell is an excellent brand, Hummell Red Hots are better, if you have a suicidal taste for the chile pepper. If you like skinless hot dogs made from turkey you should go campaign for Ralph Nader and leave the rest of us alone.

Secundus: The Roll

The roll is important. Treat packaged "Frankfurter Rolls" with the contempt they deserve. Go to the bakery and get grinder (submarine) rolls that will hold the entire hot dog. A nice baguette or stick of Italian bread works too. Simple Rule No. 1: Fresh is good. Rule 2: Bread contains flour, salt, yeast and water. It does not contain anything you can't pronounce or come in plastic bags.

Tertius: The Toppings

Toppings like the Stooges, are also divided in three parts: Veggies, Condiments and Carcinogens.

Larry: Veggies

Go to the Produce Department. Remember Rule No. 1. Depending on
the size of the crowd you will need at least one each of the following
This should serve around 6):

Bell Pepper, red or green (one of each if you are buying 2)

Large onion (not Bermuda, one you can taste) or,
better yet, one medium white and one medium red.

Chile pepper. This depends on what's available and your tolerance level.
One habanero is probably plenty, for mild peppers like jalapenos you will need a couple.

Garlic: This is optional. I like a little finely minced fresh garlic
mixed in with the peppers and onions. Your mileage may vary.

Peel, seed, chop, mix together and stick in the fridge to cool while you work on the rest.

Moe: Condiments

Rule 3: Hot dogs require mustard. I use two, Grey Poupon to "butter" the roll and French's Yellow on top (I'm a traditionalist, so sue me). Mixing in a little horseradish with the Poupon is a nice touch. You can experiment with mustards but they need to be sharp, not mild or (God Forbid) sweet. ChileHeads may want to add a dash of their favorite hot sauce but it's really not necessary if you do the chili properly.

Curley: Carcinogens

Homo Sapiens is a carnivore. Protein is good for you. Fat is bad for you but it tastes good so what the hey. A proper chili dog is topped with greasy chili and greasy chili is properly topped with cheese. Rule 2 (sub a): Cheese does not come in plastic. It comes in blocks. Have the guy in the white apron at the deli counter whack off a chunk, Cooper Sharp American if you are a wimp, or a good sharp cheddar if you have class. Grate it yourself. The exercise will do you good.

Hot Dog Chili (recipe below) is not real chili, but, like real chili, it does not come in cans. It comes in pieces and is assembled with care, art and a proper reverence. It also makes a heck of a Breakfast Burrito but that's a tale for another day. Chili is not a Mexican dish, at least not in this form. It's as American as Cherry Pie or making fun of the President...and much more fun. Acquire the skill. Put it on your Resumé. It's the right thing to do.

Hot Dog Chili

Makes 6 chili dogs with enough left for dipping
with tortilla chips or a few Breakfast Burritos.

Ingredients

One pound of hamburger. Cheap is good here, it needs some grease.

One large white onion, chopped.

One Green Bell pepper (or 1/2 each red and green), chopped.

Chili Peppers. (This depends on what's available and your tolerance level. I use dried peppers here because they help to thicken the sauce. My mix is Cayennes, Jalapenos and Yellow Wax, chopped and added a tablespoon at a time until it gets to the proper heat level. A couple of whole dried Cayennes act as a polite warning flag to small children and other culturally deprived persons.)

One bulb of garlic (Rule 3: One bulb of garlic to one pound of meat. Don't be a wimp, garlic is good for you and it cooks down. "Too Much Garlic" is an oxymoron.) Peeled and minced fine.

One 4 oz. can of tomato sauce.

Fat: This depends on how fatty the hamburger is but you usually need a little to get the process going. I use Cajun Bacon fat or rendered beef suet, but in descending order of taste and your suicidal tendencies, you can use bacon fat, olive oil or even that polyunsaturated stuff.

Powdered Cumin. This is what makes it taste like chili and how much you use depends on how fresh it is. Start with a tablespoon and add as necessary to get the correct flavor.

One Bay Leaf, a dash of dried Oregano, a dash of dried Cilantro, a few grinds of fresh black pepper, about 3 drops of Worcestershire Sauce, and salt to taste.

Preparation

Use a heavy iron pot or Dutch oven with a good cover. Put the fat, hamburger, 3/4 of the chopped veggies and garlic, the tomato sauce and the spices in the pot. Mix it up, cover and stick on the back burner on low heat. Let it fester...uh...simmer for a couple of hours. Low heat is the key, too hot and it will turn to mush.

About a half hour before serving, uncover, add the last 1/4 of the veggies and garlic, turn up the heat just a tad, and simmer uncovered. Adjust seasonings. If necessary, thicken with a little masa harina (corn flour) or, better yet, more dried peppers. Dried tomatoes are good for this too but don't over do it, this ain't spaghetti sauce. If you have to thin it, use a little dry lager beer.

Assembly

Grill the hot dogs (emphasis on grill, boiling or steaming is for potatos. The skins should be browned and slightly crunchy. Use a frying pan or broiler if you must but these are always better outside on charcoal).

Split ('bout 3/4 through) the rolls and spead the insides with a thin layer of Grey Poupon.

Insert Hot Dogs in rolls.

Slather on French's Yellow Mustard.

Scoop on the chili.

C'mon, you need more than that.

Pile on the chopped onions and peppers.

Cover with grated cheese.

(Optional: Stick under broiler to melt cheese).

Top with a couple of pickeled Jalapeno slices.

Serve to amazed guests.

While they are saying "Are you NUTZ? I can't eat all of that!"
Pass around cold beers.

Say Grace to the Chile Gods and pig out.